What Am I Doing?

At last I think I know the answer to that.
It's been a slight puzzle to me up to now, and which now I know the answer, guess I knew it all along.
In fact, I think it is blindingly obvious to all who know me.

It's always been painfully obvious that I am driven, by something, though what that is, is unclear.
It's not ambition, that's for sure. Or wealth.

Yet I seem to expound a lot of energy on SOMETHING. I don't sleep much, hardly ever eat a proper meal, need to be in pretty much constant proximity and/or communication. I don't derive much pleasure from trivial things, am largely oblivious to comfort and never really relax.

I obsess over things, such as evolution, or papal history, or The Byzantine Empire, for MONTHS, YEARS. I EXHAUST topics until I UNDERSTAND THEM thoroughly.

Even if you don't THINK you have a life plan, you do. Your mind is a series of neural impulses, and it is geared up to do SOMETHING.

At a deep level, having spent the last few months really trying to come to terms with WHAT exactly was going inside my head, I realise now that the thing I thought was just part of it, is in fact, the whole lot.

At a deep level, my first priority is to stay alive and keep myself alive long enough and put myself in a position to do what it really is I am doing every second I'm alive. Which is what I NEVER stop doing for an instant. I've now realised that.

Trying to comprehend.

My whole life is dominated by that. Everything I do, is driven by that. I NEVER do anything else.
I am driven entirely, by the need to observe, the need to pick up fresh data, the need to tie facts and observations together in my world view.
I make stupid decisions, because I'm not really concerned which the repercussions, I JUST WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS, either way.
I love meeting new people, because I want to see how they work, want to pick up how they see the world and assimilate that into the worldview in my head.

I fall in love over and over, because I love the intensity of the experience, its like an intellectual and emotional download. You seek that over and over again, because its always different, it's someone new, and you want to feel their soul. You'd love the world, if it would let you. The buzz of people, is its own reward.

I have beliefs, but not ideals. There are number of ideas I will stand by, because I believe the thought processes behind them to be correct.
But I have no blind faith, I believe what I believe because the thinking makes sense. Every belief I have, is of the head. None is of the heart.

I have solidly and conistently over ruled my heart when it has interfered with the considered conclusions of my head.

I am seeking that big picture. I am driven by overwhelming compunction to see reality in all its glory. And every time I find myself that bit closer, when another conceptual obstacle comes crashing down, when I see something happening, which reminds me of something in biology, or something Nietzche wrote, and you see a link, and that satisfying knowledge comes through, that you now UNDERSTAND something else, that your picture of reality is now just that little bit simpler, a bit less blurry, a little more distinct, then your heart sings.

It's things like knowing what the expression on someone's face MEANS. That you know what they are thinking, you know how that affects what they are saying, and what they are about to do.



It's about working out why it is that unemployment is crazy.

It's about being able to see WHY life exists, furthermore, being SO sure that you really do see, that you KNOW you are right. You have really taken it back to the root cause; thermodynamics.
It's all thermodynamics.

To you, the world, is one interlocking matrix. You don't see yourself, or anyone really, as being distinct- because you don't really see your thoughts and theirs as being entities in the same way most people do.

You tend to see the SPECIES as the entity.

The finest and most efficient route taken by life, the most efficient of chain reactions set in motion by a universe driven by thermodynamics to use up its own energy as efficiently as it can.

And that means, the universe will drive its most efficient route towards total efficiency.

You see your own thought processess as part of that. This is reality, it is the ONLY reality.
You are part of that great reaction, the system, the universe.

And, of course, its beautiful. It is perfect.

The universe is the prefect problem solver, its calculates itself to perfection. It drives us, all our 6,000,000,000 minds forward, powering us onward and upward.

It took us from carbon molecules, it set life off, through prokaryote to eukaryote life, through protozoa to triploblast, through fish to reptile, through lemur to ape, through ape to man, through man to...?

It will keep going. Look what it has given man.

Man can see in to it, see the workings, wonder at the power of the universe and reach his hands out to take the tiller.

Man can cut the apron strings, and dictate what universe he lives in.

Man WILL change this world, to suits mans needs. Man will ensure this world is what man needs it be. Of that we can be sure.

Man WILL change other worlds too, to suit mans needs.

Men and Women will find ways to live together, love together, experience together in ways that satisfy them more perfectly.
Man will not encumber himself for long with codes of behaviour and ways of life which cannot most fully serve mans soul.

Humanity will continue to expand and progress, our numbers will continue to increase, we will take control of our reproduction completely, we will live in ever greater numbers, over ever increasing portions of the universe.



Of all this I am convinced.

And staring at this vision in all its glory, in awe, horror and amazement, its brutal simplicity, its stark perfection, the total synthesis of love and logic, nothing else matters.

Reality is beautiful.
Life is truly amazing.
And living just to be a part of that, just to be granted the chance to comprehend it, and do just that till your dieing day, I really cannot see a better reason to be alive.