Tuesday 22 April 2008

Today is an Awful Day

Nothing to say tonight.
Or at least nothing of any value.

Today is NOT a good day.

Today is just a little bit too real.

I seem to be in the last throes of escaping from my past and moving to a future, but the final collapse of the past, could well trap me within for it forever I fear.

Real Life crisis? Yes.

But more than that. I can see it there in front of me; the future, or put more accurately, the futures.
I can see the choices that are there.

I know the time to jump isn't next year, or next month, or next week. It's now.
Everything has to change, and it has to change now.

But I have absolutely no idea what it is am changing, and what it is I am changing to.
And I don't know if I can even attempt those changes, much as I want to.
Because I do want to.

I feel like I am facing my own private Armeggeddon, where the whole edifice I have built up over the years is collapsing at the foundations, that these are either the last days, or the first days.

Because in one sense, the thing in life I most feared HAS happened, And yet oddly, that doesn't seem to bother me, it seems to make everything easier.

But hey, I'll see you when I see you.

Go visit Dizzy instead. Help develop her city.


Anonymous said...

So why is it an awful day ?

Turning corners and moving on is what we do.

Anonymous said...

We all meet these cross roads in life. You won't know what you are changing to, but should step towards it. I think I mentioned it has to be a leap of faith before!

Think of it as first days, life is a learning process!

Anonymous said...

I have been to Dizzy's place.. it doesn't even have a shop - so it can't be a city..

Why would anyone want to move to a place that doesn't even have a shop..?

Anonymous said...

Chin up ok!! Whatever life throws out ya I'm sure you'll get there - and do even better than before.

Anonymous said...

Well this is all very mysterious but you are a strong person, as you have proved to everyone and to yourself.

Just don't be dragged backwards but go forward to meet it, as Cherrypie said.

You are gifted in so many ways, don't squander them.

Dizzy has 27 now, doing quite well with her little hamlet.

Anonymous said...

Must be the day for it Crushed :-(

Anonymous said...

So whats going on then? Did you finally run out of stuff to sell? If you are not careful i'll phone you to find out...

Anonymous said...

I thought today was a terrific day.. full of romance and a little intrigue..?

Anonymous said...

I think your admission that you have an edifice highlights the problem well. Maybe its time to grow-up lad.

Anonymous said...

Hope you figured out the best course of action... :-)

Anonymous said...

E-K- Because it was, trust me.
When I get stressed I get very stressed, I get panic attacks. Yesterday was such a day, one of those four cigarettes in ten minutes type days.

Cherrypie- I know, but I do worry. As I said to a friend, the problem is, I can't carry on the same life I had in my twenties forever, but thing is, on the whole, much of it was good.

I have to stop much of it, because life IS forcing these changes on me, (because the environment around me is changing, whether I like it or not), but I'm not really sure quite what to do about it.

Sulky Girl- Because if loads of people move thee, it gets shops, I think. Not really sure. Have to wait and see, I guess.

Sparsely Kate- You know what, generally that DOES seem to happen, not quite sure how. If there is a God, he sems to have a soft spot for me...

jmb- She now has 31! Actually, she's been a little angel today, really has.

Nothing that mysterious, just me running round like a blue-arsed fly trying to rectify my own cock ups.

Nunyaa- I'm one of those highly temperamental types I'm afraid, soaring highs, abysmal lows. I like to live life on the edge, but occasionally, I get blown over it :)

Mutley- No,there still seem to be people to sell to, problem is, you have to be an A1 frame of mind to do it properly. It really is one of those sorts of jobs where you just can't afford to be stressed. My last week or so has been somewhat lacklustre, causing a vscious cycle stress= cock ups= more stress= more cock ups.

But I think we're over the top of the hill now....

Kimba- Romance and intrigue...Sounds like a recipe for trouble...intriguing though :)

Wolfie- I think we all have an edifice. We all build up our own systems to provide for, and protect ourselves. Ultimately, I think all any of us want, is to sleep soundly at night and know we are in sole control of our destiny.

Anonymous said...

Eve- Er-no. I'm hopeless at figuring out any course of action, ever. If it involves me. I'm the sort of person who can look at a menu for ten minutes and still ask for more time. My life is the result of ad hoc development...

Anonymous said...

I know, but I do worry.

That sounds so much like me and one of my RL friends talking together. We both say it to each other and we both know the other worries. But for us it helps to know the other person understands!

Anonymous said...

Best of vibes to you in this super endeavour, Crushed!

Anonymous said...

Heheh! You're just like me, then, CBI. And after I've ordered, I'm still wondering if to regret, or change my mind before I regret (hopefully, if I ever get married, I won't be feeling the same way!);-)

Anonymous said...

CherryPie- To be honest, that's usually all we need. Just for someone to say that they understand, that they listened.

Princess P- It's mainly about finding sustainable existence, I guess.
Rather than continually riding a rollercoaster.

Eve- And yet, isn't that the hardest position to make your mind up in? How can you know you'll still love someone next month, let alone in ten years? Bit of a risk to take, and totally unnecessary in this day in age. Trust me, you can like someone this week and think they really are unique, only to later decide they are the most unpleasant person you have ever had the misfortune to come into contact with. Keep your exit routes clear, or you WILL LIVE TO REGRET IT, trust me.