I've been very good of late regarding food.
Food.
I hate it. I hate the concept of eating. I hate the concept of the process, hate everything that it is. I find the whole thing quite loathsome.
A concession to being organic matter.
I hate the fact that I am compelled to carry out this process in order to stem hungers over which I don't even have theoretical control. You can suppress pretty much most things. But you have to eat.
Food.
All bodily functions feel good in their satisfaction.
Food.
The joy of tasting, the joy of chewing, the joy of swallowing.
Feeling the pangs of hunger die.
I try to keep it so I'm always just that little bit hungry.
But sometimes I fail.
Chimney Sweep started it. Breakfast at the cafe at 1 PM, Saturday...
Sausages, Bacon, Eggs, Black Pudding, Fried Bread...
But the problem with satisfying hunger to that level, is now you've given in to food you like, you might as well go for the lot...
Before you get home, you've had a McDonald's...
And Sunday, you polish off two Rustler Burgers, a packet of Croissants, three packets of crisps, a Shish Kebab, a packet of Dairy Lea Dunkers and three chocolate bars.
And about seven pints to aid in digestion.
Well, not digestion exactly.
To aid something else.
And you wake up on Monday morning and you can feel the bubble.
Which is what you hoped for.
If you didn't wake up with that bubble, you'd be worried.
Shower, shave, fag, check e-mails, cup of tea, fingers down your throat, three good heaves and all the food you ate over the weekend is in the U-bend.
And you don't feel hungry.
It did the job. You got two days free. You satisfied the hunger, but got rid of the food you used to do that with.
It passed the lips, but didn't touch the hips.
And you feel GOOD. You feel refreshed. Because when you feel your stomach twang as the insides of your stomach come rushing up your throat, it's GOOD.
Tantamount to an orgasm.
It's the best feeling in the world, knowing you beat eating.
That it satisfied your hunger, but it don't get to exact it's price. Down the bog it goes, bye bye food, screw you.
And you walk out the flat feeling on top of the world.
Because you love the feeling of sticking your fingers down your throat and disgorging as much as you possibly can.
And the day just feels so much better knowing you have.
The feeling you have as you know it has all come up, as you wash your lips and feel- empty, but not hungry- is beyond compare.
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12 comments:
Crushed, reading this concerns me if that is what you are doing.
If you don't eat , you don't poop and if you don't poop you die.
Sounds like anorexia to me mate. I haven't thrown up in decades... which is normal by the way. And all that stuff is pretty crap food even if you did digest it. I am with Nunyaa
Crushie.. a salad and a bit of grilled barramundi is what you need on the weekend. Not the shite you have just listed here.
Crushed, You do worry me sometimes.
It actually sounds more like bulimia. It is not a healthy “relationship” to have with food.
Food is what your body is built out of. It is what powers it. It is life.
Try not to eat rubbish food, don’t eat too much. Eat tasty good quality food slowly. If you are worried about your weight try being more active. That too is probably good for you, in moderation.
Being sick regularly damages the lining of your throat and could lead to long term threats, it also damages your teeth.
I bet if you were talking about a smart ‘babe magnet ‘car instead of your bod you would have a fit about using the wrong oil, or fuel, or wrong gear, or the like.
Nunyaa- It's not as if I do it every day. Or even every week.
And Beer makes you go to the loo even if you don't eat.:)
Bitter actually has a lot of nutrients in it- its role in a balanced diet is often overlooked.
Mutley- I think it's probably a mild eating disorder. I've had a starvation/binge cycle since I was a student I think, but I didn't really get into the whole throwing up thing until I was about 23. I became quite waistline obsessed about then, partly I think, due to a personal grief.
Kimba- Usually I don't actually eat much at weekends. Weekdays, I'll have an evening meal- weekends I live mainly on toast and bacon sandwiches.
Moggs- It probably isn't, but it seems to form a part of my existence.
Thing is I do LOVE junkfood, but I also HATE being too fat.
I actually have the waistline I want, thirty inches.
I take what you're saying, but part of the problem I think is, these days, it just being me, I never have the time or the energy to get complex meals.
So I just grab food as and when.
I often eat on the way somewhere to save time.
I don't do the throwing up thing very often- maybe once every couple of months or so. I would say I save it s a special treat, but that only emphasises how bizarre it is, I guess.
No matter how often you do it is not right, it sounds like the slippery slope to me! Feeling good that you have binged and thrown up is not good. Someone I work with has brain damage from getting hooked on doing that!
Eating is all about balance, a little of everything in moderation is OK. So that means you can have junk food occasionally. Also you don't need complex meals just a bit more variety in your food intake!
I know that relationships with food can be complex. I get frustrated that our entire world seems to be based around habits that make you unhealthy-- I wish so badly sometimes that eating could just be, rather than needing to be an exercise in calorie counting and planning.
However... I don't care how good it feels, and how infrequently you are doing it--that is not healthy. I know it feels good to have control over the food, but you are losing control over yourself each time you do it.
Eat food, not too much, mostly plants. Good advice from Michael Pollan, in the Omnivore's Dilemma.
You should really heed Miss Moggs' advice. Exactly what I would say to you, have said to you. Junk food puts on the pounds not to mention alcohol. Well you know it all, you have to decide for yourself but this was a very uncomfortable post to read.
I agree with Chery Pie Princess P and JMB. ...and Nunyaa, Mutley and Kimba.
That we are all lined up in the same direction, like iron filings on a magnet ought to tell you something...
I don't know how much one has to eat to throw up... even when I feel full up to my neck, all I've managed to throw up is water... it must be an art.. ;-) Careful with your throat, though.. the acid from your stomach gets there and erodes it...
CherryPie- Hmm. Now you're scaring me...
Time is often the issue though, just getting time. Grabbing a slice from the shop is often easiest...
Princess P- Seems to be a rule, if it feels good, its bad for you.
I know it isn't good. It's not as if I count my calories, its more some kind of twisted guilt thing, I think.
jmb- I am, I'm afraid, quite carnivorous in my food tastes.
Alcohol, well, I prob do drink a little too much beer, in terms of overall volume.
Moggs- :), yes I get the picture...
Eve- There is a kind of art, yes.
You can't do it just at will, you have to create the situation, kind of.
Its kind of about siezing the opportunity.
If you want me to say what happened let me know, it is not fair to post it here...
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