Thursday, 27 November 2008

Seeking Cyberlife



An odd conclusion that I came to a little over a year ago.
Around August, I think.

But true, in my case.

If there were a way possible, if some Cyber-God came up and said to me; You have to choose; one of your lives must end this instant. Your Real Life, or Crushed; If it were possible then, having made that choice, you still exist, but only as Crushed, somehow magically inputting those posts, somehow still able to e-mail and IM, somehow still able to comment; if the Cyber-God could do that, but he was saying, I'll give you that, you can have that or the life as you, but one or the other, would I even hesitate?

No, no, I wouldn't.

At first glance you think of all the things you'd miss. But of course you wouldn't. You wouldn't miss food, or alcohol, you wouldn't even miss sex. These essentially are needs related to possessing a body. Being a mind without a body, Crushed wouldn't desire these things.
And wouldn't miss them. I'd just be a Red V, wondering round the internet.

And for over a year now I've kind of seen that as a kind of elusive perfection.

Crushed's entire life would be one of gaining knowledge, of discussion, of interaction, of chatting.
All the other tedious bits of life wouldn't exist.

I guess I'd have to give all my friends the URL so they could still come and chat to me.

I suppose what really brought it home to me was having a woman bang on and on about how a 'rel-ay-shun-ship' was more important than blogging. That blogfriends were here today come tomorrow things.
And it suddenly hit me; No. She was wrong.

No.

I don't feel like that.
I'd only been blogging a few months, but I already knew the relationship I had with my blog towered in significance over some petty romance like the Empire State building towers over the newstand outside.

I realised that it no longer really bothered me that much if I never had a romantic relationship ever again. Not really.
I realised that finally, there in 2007 I had finally- serendipitously- discovered something which rendered all that sort of thing fairly superfluous to me.

Because why, after all, do people settle down?
I guess because they're afraid of being alone. They don't like the empty flat.
No, nor do I. And I guess I always had this idea 'One day you're going to have to settle down and have a serious relationship. You can't just go on just picking up random women, because one day, you'll be past that. And then you'll be alone'.

But now there's a way round that. When I do get too old to just pick up random women, I'll be too old to be much interested in sex anyway, I would imagine.
So all that matters is that I'm not lonely at that age. Or at least, not lonely during the time I have to spend home alone.



And blogging provides the answer to that.

A far better answer than settling down.

I think what I like most about this IS that is a life free from the taint of the flesh.
Blogging has made me realise how much I loathe the idea of being desired as ME, as the flesh and blood form that I am. Or not loathe it. I mean, it serves me well enough in Real Life, it's a powerful tool in many ways, and I won't pretend I don't have a fairly powerful need for both sex and intimacy. But I admit, I don't much care for mixing them with connections of the higher sentiments.

I've found I really don't care for the idea of ME being loved. I'd rather Crushed was loved. Because Crushed is a pure mind without a body.

Blogging allows us to form connections solely on the basis of the higher sentiments.

Blogging allows us to finally divorce body and soul.

It allows me to divorce forever the connections of the mind from the connections of the body, something I have subconsciously striven for all my life.

It allows us to live as we once imagined we would do in an imaginary afterlife.

It allows me to create a life where I can live as pure intellect, and leave the needs of the body to that lump of meat out there that must be fed, watered and fucked every now and then so that the me I want to be- Crushed- can live.

I have created separate lives for body and mind, and having done that- I want to keep it that way.

14 comments:

vicariousrising said...

Life without sight, sound, taste, touch and smell? What would there be to discuss without the senses to experience anything? I'll take a messy life with sensuality over a sterile one without human contact any day. And I am fairly antisocial and introverted as they come.

Crushed said...

It was meant if one had a choice between the two...

In fact I'm very much an extrovert and a social person.
But sometimes, I actually have to come home. And that bit I've never liked.
Blogging creates a home life for me- one in my view far better than having to share your home and your life with someone else.

Crashdummie said...

how come ur so fixated to seperate the IRL you with crushed. U do realize that u dont need anyone else to complete you, only yourself but then you have to embrace and accept all sides of you, both the good with the bad, your inner monkey as well as inner reptile, your inner child/dork/geek/freak/dramking/narcisst as well as IRL you and crushed.

but I agree with vicariousrising on this one - you have to feel before you can be.

And regarding being loved, you alreday know that you are loved crushed, and that means all sides of you!

be free, be the very best of what you are and can be!

gingatao said...

There are lots of advantages in living in bloggoland. The fact that the only harm that come to you is a few nasty words gives a sense of invulnerability and a reasonable control over the language gives you power. On the other hand it is also a place where the truth is always just hidden. There is no guarantee anyone is what they say they are. It's a world of illusions and hypocricies, masks and vastly overinflated egos as a result of all the schmoozing for an audience. If forced to make the choice I would choose real life where I can look into someone's eyes and know if they are lying. Where I can hug someone to comfort them instead of sending them an emoticon. It's the choice between a mutual illusion and reality. Bloggoland and blogs are tools, not lives. In my most humble opinion, of course, Crushed.

sparsely kate said...

In fact I'm very much an extrovert and a social person.
But sometimes, I actually have to come home. And that bit I've never liked.



Hey I got this from your comment - and I thought to myself that that sums up a lot. You put off coming home and blogging is the thing that makes you want to come home - it's like a saftey blanket but with a message!

-eve- said...

coooool post :-)
yup, one could create a whole world in here, and multiple personalities. an interesting thought - and that's how i started ;-) but not just 'separate lives for body and mind' - separate personalities, a little like Jekyll and Hyde ;-)

eric1313 said...

I would love this choice, especially when I get to the time in my life that my body is giving out and my time here in the mortal realm is numbered.

Just have to make sure not to wander into people's flashdrives.

Fusion said...

Didn't they do something like this with Star Trek once?

There's pros and cons to both I think, I need the mix myself...

La Femme said...

What is it that you hope to achieve with this blog?

mutleythedog said...

I never tell the truth about myself in my blog - I am actually a twenty year old nymphomaniac black woman with a part time job at Penthouse magazine...

Crushed said...

Crashie- I guess because I like things in tidy compartments and categories.

I like to divide my life into separate sections and stop them contaminating eachother.

:) You are sweet. People like you make it all worthwhile. Sentiments reciprocated Crashie, trust me.

Gingatao- I don't know about that. In same ways, I find it hurts more when Crushed is insulted, because its an attack on what is essentially, pure mind.

Often truth is hidden though, I agree. There are a lot of illusions and hypocrisies, I discovered that the hard way.

I don't know, when I send an emoticon, it usually does represent the emotion I feel at the time.

Real, or unreal, well yes, it's a hall or mirrors. But real people are to be found. And beautiful, amazing people too.
And sometimes they let themselves show in a way they wouldn't in RL.

Kate- Yes, very much so. You get it :)

Eve- Yes, I do sometimes think about that. I have set up other blogs, of course, but actually using them is another matter. They amuse me for an evening or so, then sending the comedy personas out and about commenting as WELL as me commenting, seems too much like hard work. So they tend to stay as one post wonders sitting in Cybersoace. I created one last year, the notorious Sockpuppet who now seems to have ben outed. I did create one recently, who you may have seen- but I'm not yet admitting to him. He's a bit more likeable than Sockpuppet, far less pornographic and far more naively conservative.

Eric- It's just a wandering fancy occurs to me sometimes.

I wonder if I could get INTO the YouTube videos?

Fusion- Well, I think I've got kind of a good mix on it now. Best of all worlds. Of course, different people neeed different mixes, but when it's good it's great :)

La Femme- A number of things, I guess.
I suppose the main thing it gives me is a sense of personal fulfillment.
It creates a home life for me, one I hope I'll always have. It gives me people to come home to.

But beyond that, yes I like to think that through it, I'll have added something to the world somehow. At least put my ideas on things out there, at least put them into the collective consciousness.

Google 'Life Scientific Defintion'
Google 'Nietzcheist'

Its stuff like that makes me feel good. I get a lot of my hits through things like that. And it's knowing that, that people googling those phrases are reading what I've written, it's a feeling that just cannot be beaten. Nothing in the world can compare to it. Knowing that your thoughts are actually in with a chance of influencing the way people think.

I'm amazed at how often I find backlinks to this blog come from posts of mine being quoted in forums as source material. I recently found that a post of mine done over a year ago on whether Harold Wilson might have been a Russian spy actually has been doing the rounds on the forums where people are interested in that sort of thing.

So I guess you could say 'What do I hope to achieve?'

Put every thought I ever have online.

Mutley- Then get your sexy, ebony, body over here and let's bang like bunnies all weekend!

La Femme said...

What do you think you will add to the world?

Who is quoting this as source material? On what basis?

Crushed said...

La Femme- None of us can ever KNOW we'll add to the world.
But we can try. It may indeed be so I die an unlamented failure.

Maybe I really am just trying to convince myself that my life is something other than a total waste of time.

But I like to think not.

Sometimes your gut instinct just tells you, you're on the right lines.
Sometimes, I'm not always sure, but about some things I am.

I happen to believe I'm right on certain things, and if I can just be that small difference, just change a few minds, then maybe that will be the difference.

You remember that nursery rhyme, for want of a nail a shoe was lost, for want of a nail, a horse was lost, etc, etc.

Well, that's how I see it.

Well, the one I found the other day was a post I wrote last year on whether or not Harold Wilson was a Russian spy. The post was called 'Did a Russian spy get the top job?'
I found that the post in question was actually the topic for a discussion on a forum. It was quite interesting to read comments made by people on my post, the people in question actually leaving them having no idea I'd read them. So they were actually purely dissecting my post.

I have no idea who administered the forum. But it was a nice feeling, yes, it was.

Another of my posts was actually quoted in a letter to a Scientific journal. Not in the journal, only a letter in the letters section, but I was sent an e-mail telling me that the URL for the post was linked.

I've actually just gone back and found the mail, and they also enclose an actual copy of the page. Apparently the letter appeared in The Financial Times, Physics World, and Mathematics Today.

The actual quote isn't much, it's only http://crushedbyingsoc.blogspot.com/2008/06/core-theory-part-two-how-it-works.html [Crushedbyingsoc@gmail.com]
"This time unit, is called a planck tick. There are about a decillion in a second. In other words, every planck tick, the universe moves every photon to an adjacent space."

But even that, in aBroadsheet Newspaper, is flattering. :)

La Femme said...

Happily, I know very little about physics. But I still don't see how that is source information. I'm sure that there are physicists who have done PHDs on all manner of obscure and not so obscure physics theories.

As for ensuring that you leave your mark in the world click here: www.crisis.org.uk.

Nobody's life is ever a failure