Thoughts For The Day

I suppose these things kind of synchronise.

Last night's post (worth reading) was probably one of the most honest posts I've ever written. A response elsewhere matches nicely with it and leads straight on into this. Plus of course, I did ask Haydee what she thought of the post and she agreed it was a pretty good assessment.

It also links in with a real life problem I'm going to face. A real life issue of the type I go through life unable to deal with. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

Tonight I'm going to a bonfire party. Yes, I know this is hypocritical of me. But let's see it as real life, as I said to Haydee, using 'religious principle. As an excuse for snubbing close friends is what it would appear. So go I must.
But there's another reason.

Bel SPECIFICALLY invited me.
Bel being the Chimney Sweep's sister.
And therefore, I can't not go.
It would hurt her feelings.

The problem.

Bel got married about three years ago to a shifty Mexican Dude. Shifty Mexican Dude seems to have shagged half of Coventry than done a runner once he had his two years residence.

Now I've always got on well with Bel, but of late she's paid a lot of attention to me. And I like being paid attention.
And sometimes I've had to fight that urge to put my arms round her and kiss her on the forehead. To hold her close and tell her its going to be OK.
To run my fingers along her shoulderblade, kiss her eyelids and say 'I'll look after you, Bel'.

I just want to do that.

But the consequences of giving into this temptation are too awful to contemplate.

You see, we won't end up in bed. That's not the problem. She isn't the sort of girl to just jump into bed. The problem is, things will move into a zone. A zone where she'll get the chance to properly talk to me as she rests her head on my shoulder and I'll listen. Then I'll tell her my shit. And she'll listen.

And I'll give her my phone number and say 'If you need to talk...'

And when I leave tomorrow morning, I'll squeeze her hand and I'll be waiting for her to call.

I'll want that level of intimacy with her. I'll want to help her get over dodgy Mexican Dude, see if she can throw some light on my life generally, because she's a good person and a sweet person and I'll want to share that with her.
Danger is we'll start going for meals and drinks together.

And we won't tell the Chimney Sweep. We'll both keep it from him. And that says it all.
We'll both know it's wrong and why it's wrong.

We know what he'll think. She won't want him to know, because he knows he'll worry for her, because he knows she could get hurt and he worries I can't help but go through this same slippery slope over and over. He worries well get attached, and he knows that sooner or later that means I will back off when she wants to get too close. And we'll both be hurt.



And both me and Bel will want to believe he is wrong because we'll be being weak and allowing ourselves to indulge our need to be emotionally intimate with eachother when really, it's self indulgent on both our parts.

Because what happens one day if it goes too far. What happens if we both get drunk one night and and end up going to bed together?

What then?

Next morning, it would seem great. Euphoric. And she'd feel good in my arms.

I would feel so close to her and I'd just bask in it.

But as soon as I was alone, I'd start to panic. Really panic.

Now things have changed.

Now she's a danger.
Now I'm not sure I'm in control.

Now it's changed so that seeing its the Chimney Sweep ringing, I may not take the call. And I might start to get edgy about her calls. It's now become a mess.

Now at some point I'd probably own up to the Baker about this crisis. How to handle it. Because I'd probably continue to see her. But I'd have no idea what I was into.

Because I don't want Bel like that. I don't. I don't want to share my life with her, she's not he 'One'.
She doesn't give me a warm fuzzy feeling when I think of her, just that when I'm with her I think she's really sweet and I want to hold her close. It's love of a kind, just not the kind of love I'm worried that I could end up being in a situation where she thinks it is.

You see, the reality is, and the reality the one person who won't truly appreciate is Bel, is that I will not actually fall in love with Bel. It couldn't happen. But I will enjoy what she will give me, for a while. The shared intimacy, the chance to just let it all it in the arms of another.
But I'll never really let her in, there will still be times when I just freeze up. And she'll ask me whats wrong and I'll say 'I don't want to talk about it'.

And the more she pushes me, the more I'll start to freeze her out. And this will only start to strengthen her desire to get close to me- to just push that little bit extra, to truly get inside me because she really believes she's close and it will only take me letting her in past that final barrier and I'm not going to be able to give her that.

And I'll start cutting her out.

I will start pushing her back to a safe distance.

And by this point, my prime concern will have become; How to handle easing the situation to a satisfactory conclusion without the Chimney Sweep catching wind of it.

So the situation does have some potential headaches in the making, if things go badly.
So why, why do it?

Well I was discussing it with Haydee last night and she said 'You'll do it anyway. Because that's what you do'.

And she's right, I suppose. I can't stop myself. I will end up giving her comfort and affection, because I want to give her that comfort and affection. I won't want to lead her on, but I will.

I will be drawn by the fact that I already feel close to her, that we respect eachother as people, hat we can be close. drawn in by the fact that pushing that beyond a certain boundary is of its very nature kind of elicit, as it involves hiding something from someone close to us both. It has a thrill, all the thrill of an affair.
I will drawn by the idea that we can temporarily ease eachothers pain in the cathartic union of eachothers limbs.

But I won't want a relationship. Not in the long term. Not with Bel. Not ever.

But I don't think I can stop myself from holding her close and kissing her forehead if the chance arises.
That's the problem.

Haydee is right, that's what I do.

And I guess that's why what I have with her is special.
Ut's not what I'm doing to her.

We're able to have things as they are, because of that.

She kind of pointed out the obvious reality last night. That as things stand, if she suddenly decided she loved me, I'd probably reject her.

And I would say that personally, I'd say it says something positive that I conceded I couldn't be sure. I'd like to think I wouldn't, but I'm honest enough with myself and her to concede, the idea still scares me a bit. It seems to work best at the moment that we just chat as friends and the being in love thing is a bit one sided. Because at the moment I'm still kind of coming to terms with having such feelings at all. So much so I'm still in the mood for sticking them in a box somewhere and pondering the consequences of Bel. And of course the strength of my feelings for Haydee is another reason for mentally using Bel to see if I can get my feelings for Haydee under control.
I guess there is a part of me inside can see the value in using Bel as a surrogate Haydee. After all, up until Haydee ALL women have been surrogate Joannas.



With Haydee I have to concede, everything kind of makes sense. I'm not sure there's too much point overanalysing these things. Right now I feel safe and I feel things work well as they are. Right now I'm able to talk to her AND feel for her without being scared by it. I know that I'd like to be able to have more with her, but I also know that I don't think I'm actually ready to contemplate that myself, I've only just come to terms with being in love with her.

So we just chat. It's good. My favorite part of the day really. Talking to her on the Internet Messenger.
I miss her otherwise.

I'm thinking the best plan for tonight is to hope there is someone there so stunningly attractive I get sidetracked from Bel.

I think I'm going to go and put some extra curls in my hair.
And shave close.

I think I want to look extra boyish tonight.