Wednesday 18 February 2015

How I Ended up Getting Involved With Ubermouth

I think all I really want to say about this Ubermouth problem is this;

When we first spoke, she really did seem someone I could be myself with. I looked forward to her phone calls because I could talk to her about my blog.

The fact was, she was one of a handful of people who had made it into the inner sanctum of my comfort zone. And that surprised me. Very few people make it that far. There are very few people I am comfortable with one on one.

And I misjudged the situation. I forgot that in real life there are huge barriers in real life to getting to a situation of trust with someone.

The problem with the internet- with blogging- is exactly that. It IS your inner sanctum. It is the ultimate real you, the real you only those who know you very well get to see in real life.

Blogging is, in that sense, life upside down. You connect with people through blogging in a perfect world. You can be yourself with total strangers.

And that makes you forget that if they went through NORMAL real life procedures, they'd never have made it to the inner sanctum of your comfort zone.

Ubermouth would certainly never have done.

That was the problem. We STARTED with a PERFECT relationship. Because being anonymous avatars in an entirely intellectualised world far away from physical reality is- perfect interaction.

Having a relationship with someone which was entirely intellectualised and which was based entirely around my blog was perfect.

It could have been anyone. I realised that very quickly. She just happened to be the first one.

I realised that after I had known her a couple of months. That ANY blogging friendship is like that. Because it is, of its nature, in the inner sanctom of your comfort zone. In a world of pure intellectualisation, away from the physical world.

You see the good in people first. Before you see the bad.

And that was the case with Ubermouth.

But, as I realised, it was because she'd passed what would normally be the FINAL gate to your inner sanctum. She'd bypassed all the others. It was an artificial situation.

The problem came as soon as we- or rather SHE- started backtracking.

I suppose, being honest, I always knew it was too good to be true. Deep down I always knew it was merely because of the curious logic of the internet world.

After all, where else do you get to meet people over chatting about Nietzsche?

Yes, I always knew that it couldn't work in real life. I knew she had made it to the inner sanctum of my comfort zone but she didn't really belong there. In time, she'd get homesick and want to go somewhere less intellectualised and more emotional.

And when that time came, it would be time for us to part company.

And yes, I always simply assumed that when the time came she'd accept 'I have to devote my life to my blog. It's not you, it's me. You'll find someone else, I'm sure.'

Manipulative? Exploitative?

No, I just wanted to share the inner sanctum of my comfort zone with her as long as I could. Until it no longer became possible.

It stopped being possible when she started getting emotional and trying to get me to talk about my 'feelings'.

That was when it became time for us to part company. She had vacated my comfort zone and she couldn't expect me to follow her.

All I asked was that she left me alone to blog in peace. My blog was MY LIFE. She didn't have to ruin my blog out of a vindictive sense of vengeance.