No Barking

This post is about what real love is.

I remember when I was little and we first got a dog. Up till then, I'd not liked dogs. And I'd not wanted to like this one. But my Mum forced him into my lap. And...

I've not been the same since. His tiny little paws. His soppy eyes. And my soaking wet face. He just knew. He... could sense every string to tug to make me love him. Because that's what dogs do. And when you've become a doggy person, you've become a doggy person. Dogs know you. They know a friend.

Dogs just see and you think 'Here's a friend!'. And they just make you love them.

I must admit, I only really trust people who have been switched on that way. And in my experience, they're usually bad people. You need to be switched on that way. I pity people who only learned love through... other routes.

Those people who only see love in terms of 'passion'. Those sad, distorted souls.

Love isn't something you can talk about. You can't commit to it. Love is that soft paw and those sympathetic eyes. Love is dogs.

Dogs are just the best thing in the world. We might be cleverer, but dogs are nicer. Dogs are more loving. Fact. Dog gives love, expecting to get back. It KNOWS it will. It's as if God decided to create a species to put us to shame.

I love dogs more than people by a long way. They're nicer. They're more cuddly. They empathise more. They don't bark at someone they love and who loves them.

There is no'passion'.

So when I say to a woman 'This relationship isn't working', what I mean is 'You and I don't bond the way I do with a dog. You know, the way we don't need to talk and there is no barking. You know, the way our moods are connected and the way we simply connect through empathy and a need to be loved, a sort of symbiotic mutual need to cuddle, rather than 'passion'. You and I don't have that. If we did, we wouldn't need to TALK about it.'

I never needed to SAY that to Chrystal. We had that thing you have with a dog. We didn't EVER need to talk about it.

The only things we ever talked about were abstract, esoteric and intellectual. I never once talked to her about 'feelings'. I didn't need to. She read me the way a dog does.

And that to me is love. If you can read me like a dog does, we have a relationship. If you can't we don't.

You can't apply a moral code that blames ME if you can't do that. How am I to blame for you being stupider than a dog? And needing to talk about something a dog can do without talking about?

If we need to talk about it, we clearly don't have it.

I never needed to talk to Chrystal. She read me. I read her. That's love. No passion. Empathy.

There is empathy or there isn't. If it needs to be talked about IT ISN'T THERE.

And THAT is why 'committed relationships' fail. Because they're based on a fallacy.

The Illuminati

I think I've finally come to terms with what happened to me in 2007.

And yes, it all has to with 'them'. The Illuminati.

I've been reading a lot of conspiracy theory stuff of late. Most of it is barking mad, BUT. But there is a grain of truth in it. There really are an 'Illuminati' shaping world events. They invented Communism. They are the CFR, the Bilderberg Group, the Milner set, etc. And their aims are exactly what these conspiracy theorists say they are.

With one small difference. They aren't a co-ordinated group. They aren't working together. I estimate that about two percent of the world's population are 'Illuminati'. Only no one who is Illuminati knows they are Illuminati. Because most Illuminati are just ordinary people.

One realises this when one reads these people. Gary Allen's 'None Dare Call it a Conspiracy'. Charlotte Iserbyt's 'The Dumbing Down of America'. And, if you really want to read a total nutcase, try Christopher Story's 'The New Underworld Order'.

I realise, reading these people that what they say is true. Of course it is. Do you know how I know?

Because I myself have long been an advocate of introducing classical Watsonian behaviouralist conditiong to early education of children. I agree wholeheartedly with it for exactly the reasons 'they' allegedly do it. I think WE should do it. For exactly the reasons Charlotte Iserbyt does not.

Because when I read the Introduction of Christopher's Story 'European Collective', I realise that 'Of Course. That's what it's all about. That is what WE, sorry 'They' are doing and why.

Because the way these people accuse the Illuminati of thinking and what they want to achieve, well, I want to achieve that.

The point would seem to be this.

Illuminism IS a way of thinking. It would seem to be the case that most intelligent intellectuals probably think in similar ways. Most seek to lead the people to Utopia but know this has to be done covertly so as not to alarm the people. It is a case of the intelligentsia trying to find a way to tame the masses so the intelligentsia can govern them.

And that, all intelligentsia concede, is easier said than done. Getting there is a long journey, however way round you do it. Because it means we have to use NON intelligentsia to get there. Worse. We have to use testosterone driven psychopaths. And how do we dispense with them when they've served their purpose? How does the intelligentsia impose their New World Order.

The New World Order is a dream. Has been since 1786. And out there are many different 'them' trying to build theirs. They aren't all part of a group called 'The Illuminati.' Everyone out there who wants to build one, who believes in their heart of hearts that the masses are children and need to be parented by a paternalist intellectual elite is an Illuminist.

And I am one of those people. I believe in a paternalist socialist system. I believe in a New World Order.

So in a sense, much of James Higham's allegations are true. From a crazy John Birch Society view, he is right.

I was seeking to do exactly what he accused me of.

The thing is....

WE, the Illuminati, are RIGHT.

I set this blog to teach people to think how 'they' think. So that people could BECOME Illuminati.

And sadly, I couldn't teach Ubermouth. I just couldn't get her to understand that her emotions weren't real and that only by denying emotions can you ever be enlightened.

Because ultimately, it is that that makes the Illuminati the Illuminati. That is what makes them BETTER people. The fact they deny the reality of emotions.

The Illuminati aren't the bad guys. WE are the GOOD guys.

How I Ended up Getting Involved With Ubermouth

I think all I really want to say about this Ubermouth problem is this;



When we first spoke, she really did seem someone I could be myself with. I looked forward to her phone calls because I could talk to her about my blog.



The fact was, she was one of a handful of people who had made it into the inner sanctum of my comfort zone. And that surprised me. Very few people make it that far. There are very few people I am comfortable with one on one.



And I misjudged the situation. I forgot that in real life there are huge barriers in real life to getting to a situation of trust with someone.



The problem with the internet- with blogging- is exactly that. It IS your inner sanctum. It is the ultimate real you, the real you only those who know you very well get to see in real life.



Blogging is, in that sense, life upside down. You connect with people through blogging in a perfect world. You can be yourself with total strangers.



And that makes you forget that if they went through NORMAL real life procedures, they'd never have made it to the inner sanctum of your comfort zone.



Ubermouth would certainly never have done.



That was the problem. We STARTED with a PERFECT relationship. Because being anonymous avatars in an entirely intellectualised world far away from physical reality is- perfect interaction.



Having a relationship with someone which was entirely intellectualised and which was based entirely around my blog was perfect.



It could have been anyone. I realised that very quickly. She just happened to be the first one.



I realised that after I had known her a couple of months. That ANY blogging friendship is like that. Because it is, of its nature, in the inner sanctom of your comfort zone. In a world of pure intellectualisation, away from the physical world.



You see the good in people first. Before you see the bad.



And that was the case with Ubermouth.



But, as I realised, it was because she'd passed what would normally be the FINAL gate to your inner sanctum. She'd bypassed all the others. It was an artificial situation.



The problem came as soon as we- or rather SHE- started backtracking.



I suppose, being honest, I always knew it was too good to be true. Deep down I always knew it was merely because of the curious logic of the internet world.



After all, where else do you get to meet people over chatting about Nietzsche?



Yes, I always knew that it couldn't work in real life. I knew she had made it to the inner sanctum of my comfort zone but she didn't really belong there. In time, she'd get homesick and want to go somewhere less intellectualised and more emotional.



And when that time came, it would be time for us to part company.



And yes, I always simply assumed that when the time came she'd accept 'I have to devote my life to my blog. It's not you, it's me. You'll find someone else, I'm sure.'



Manipulative? Exploitative?



No, I just wanted to share the inner sanctum of my comfort zone with her as long as I could. Until it no longer became possible.



It stopped being possible when she started getting emotional and trying to get me to talk about my 'feelings'.



That was when it became time for us to part company. She had vacated my comfort zone and she couldn't expect me to follow her.



All I asked was that she left me alone to blog in peace. My blog was MY LIFE. She didn't have to ruin my blog out of a vindictive sense of vengeance.

Lovely, Lovely Little Honey

I am so, so head over heals about you Little Honey X

I don't think I have ever wanted to plough a furrow so deep...

'Cliff's Notes" for Other Christians...

Apparently, the main points presented in my last post were either intentionally missed or misunderstood, so let's do as the debate-hosting website owner purports is happening to us as a society, and "dumb down" my last post for greater mass appeal;)

(A debate, by the way, in which I did not even attempt to directly participate, posting only here and Crushie's blog in response.)

This post is then the Cliff's Notes version for everyone else: The attention-deficient, the lazy, the stupid, or just those so rigid/concrete in their thought processes, they are unwilling (or incapable) of conceding to any valid points made from any other perspective but their own.

First, it was important to note that biological predisposition was virtually ignored in the original discussion.

Secondly and most importantly, it should be noted that my last post was actually partially in agreement with Janina Davison Forder - social learning theory is a proven and valid argument.

However, a vital component of 'social learning theory' was missing, as it so often is when reported - behavior is conditioned response; therefore, it will only continue when consistently reinforced - by the person the child emulates, by their peers, or both.

There are only five responses we can give to a particular behavior, and we are giving one of these responses, whether we realize it or not - positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, positive punishment, negative punishment, or ignorance/neglect of a behavior.

The consistent response you choose can make a world of difference with regard to the behavior you see out of your child, over time. This explains why ALL children do not emulate (or continue to emulate) what they see.

It's actually not always as simple as punishment or reward - consider the "temper tantrum." The proven appropriate and effective response to a temper tantrum to make it go away is actually consistent ignorance/neglect - because any attention given it, positive or negative, is still reinforcement of the behavior.

Each situation is different, however. Some behaviors, like aggression, will only increase if ignored/neglected.

The final point ignored was whether "media violence theory" itself is a societal moral problem, developing as a scapegoat to avoid accountability for our own behaviors and attitudes as their parents, educators, and peers.

Is the media simply reflecting in an artistic manner the already-existing attitudes, behaviors, and experience in our society and culture?For example, the website host and "borrower" of Janina's words himself posts pictures of attractive women daily at his site, according to his preference.

No, the pictures are not pornographic, but the message is still loud and clear: Women, subordinate to men, are objects made primarily for men to ogle at based on their physical appearance, desired only sexually.

Okay, for the sake of argument, let's go with that antiquated Judeo-Christian philosophy that the man is the head of the household. How did that become translated into women's only value being physical attractiveness and the production of children?

Why did God even give women a voice or brain at all - simply to be your "yes" girl?

If you read the same bible I did, I don't recall Jesus ever saying anything about women and their physical attractiveness OR their sexuality. It was clear that Jesus loved women and valued their thoughts, ideas, feelings, and faith.

In fact, weren't women actually rewarded as such, for being the first to see Jesus at his resurrection?:)

Jesus stopped allowing hypocritical men to blame women for sexual sin 2000 years ago, preventing the stoning death of a prostitute by standing in front of her, asking those without sin to cast the first stone.

Amazing that despite Christ's actions, we still essentially 'stone' only women for sexual 'impropriety,' isn't it?

Perhaps if men stopped objectifying and valuing women based solely on physical attractiveness and sexuality, women won't value themselves merely for physical attractiveness and sexuality?

Lastly, my point is, and always has been, that there is much more to morality than sex OR violence - morality is also ethics, character and integrity.

Jesus actually preferred the company of known "sinners" and they became his disciples. Why?

Because they were open-minded to his message and were willing to examine and improve themselves first.

In contrast, the Pharisees were overly rigid in their way of thinking and refused to self-examine, already considering themselves morally superior, despite being secretly duplicitous and vainglorious hypocrites.

As far as morality, Jesus did not appear overly concerned with sex, marriage etc.

In fact, Jesus' largest concern morally appeared to be against the Pharisees' greed, judgmentalism, and hypocrisy.

What a shame, then, that Christ's 'Big 3' sins have actually become synonymous with today's Christians.

For factual information and actual studies on media violence from the world's leading social theorists, please see the links in the below posts.

For what Jesus actually said and verification of his biggest concerns with morality, read your own bible?

Honey Bunny

My honey

is very honey

So honey

My little honey

To Chrystal, with Love; the Woman who Gave me Back my Faith

You say it is six months since we first spoke.

Wow. I'll admit, I did think it was less.

Six months IS a long time, but it doesn't feel that way. Now you come to mention it though and I think about what was happening in my life back then, I realise it has actually been a long time.

Six months. A lot has happened in your life and mine since then. And yet you seem to have grown into it, become familiar.

I guess what's really on my mind is trying to find a way to analyse this. Quite where that gets us- I don't know. Let's see, shall we?

I'm trying to go back in my mind and put some of those early events in order. I think it was you first e-mailed me and looking back at mails, I think we were engaged in daily mails by September, so you're right. I think by that time, though we'd not spoken yet, you had already been the subject of certain thoughts of mine that may or not have been of a carnal nature.

You were certainly alluring. Fascinating. Different. So intelligent, so beautiful, so strong and self assured and yet so beautifully fragile and vulnerable.

I admired you, I think. I'm not sure when things moved beyond cyber flirting and we ended up being drawn into eachother.

The discussion on Brutalist architecture certainly excited me. Because I felt you saw things as I did. I think we discussed politics that night, you correctly picked up that my vision of a communist democracy is basically all about a Darwinist system.

Tis true. I believe in any democracy, the fact is, most people aren't arsed. A true democracy will be about who is prepared to put themselves forward. The only point is, which lot do you get making the decisions?

And we're back to Max Weber's categorisations of types of leadership. For society to flourish, we need charismatic leadership. You objected that my Social Darwinist beliefs were disproved by- Higham's success at lieing.

Bluntly you said 'You're the better communicator, he's the better liar'.

I agree with that. But in a truly enlightened democracy, people will understand that the best ideas come from the most outrageous people. So in a true democracy, yes, we CAN have decision making by the blogosphere. It just needs to be properly regulated. Rules of debate imposed and those who break it prosecuted.

We'll get there. :)

Anyway, you and me.

I'm not sure who said the words first. You know, THOSE words. Maybe they just crept in. I think it was more of a process than a moment. Again, it's that perfect balance. I know you don't like it when I compare you to Bunny, but there's a lot about you that's similar. I'm not saying that to compare you, simply to say it's the same qualities I was drawn to her that I am drawn to in you. She was a lot more intellectual and intelligent than I think people realised. And a lot stronger too. Vulnerable, but strong too, if that makes sense.

I think it's that purity. Purity means different things to different people, but to me, you're pure, just as she was. Like Joanna was.

Purity to me is about what's within. Hell, a prostitute can be pure in my book (see Leaving Las Vegas). Pure is what you are. Unspoiled. The beauty you were born with has not been twisted by possessiveness, hate and anger. Even though, perhaps, it would make sense if it HAD been. Life has kicked you over and over. But still you shine through.

I guess what I loved about Bunny- and I guess she'd find it strange for me to say this- is that if I was Pope, I'd beatify Bunny. St Bunny. I would. And I'd beatify you. St Chrystal.

Four good things have happened to me in the last four years. Being 174th UK Political blogger was one. Bunny was the second. Crazy Baby was the third. You were the fourth.

It is your goodness, Chrystal. Your amazing goodness and integrity. It makes me a better person.

I suppose it amounts to this. By early 2007, I did look back on my early years with somewhat of a sense of shame. I felt that in many ways it was a paradox. My life's path had brought me to see truth, but having found that truth, there was little I could do with it.

In my younger days, I had been ambitious, but that ambition had been, as I now knew- to serve evil. To be- a Tory MP. Life had taught me better. I had seen into the abyss, seen the evils of the system first hand. I felt a sense of shame that there really had been a time I had been so ignorant of human suffering as to be prepared to serve such an evil creed, so morally bankrupt as to wave a Union Jack and call for Britain to leave the EU.

Here I was, at twenty nine, knowing at last the difference between Good and Evil, having at last seen the light and yet- all my talent, my intelligence, my charm, all the abilities I had to give to the struggle, the TRUE battle between Good and Evil, they were useless. Useless, because my life had been written off.

There was something in the world to live for more than Cocaine, but for others. Not me. My life was over. For ME, Cocaine highs and alcohol intoxication were all there could ever be. There could be no more. I was the living dead. Nothing I did could ever serve any positive purpose to the species.

I wasn't suicidal, I just- had no particular will to live. It was, as someone said, 'a determination to commit slow suicide by simply not treasuring one's own existence'.

It meant life for me was simply about 'live for the day', but there was no REASON to still be there tomorrow. If you are, you are. If you're not, you're not. So the risks- who cares?

Blogging changed all that for me. This blog- it seemed to hit a nerve. It just ballooned so quick. I couldn't believe it when it made 174th UK political blogger. I think that was late September 2007.

To me, yes, it WAS like winning an Oscar. I know it sounds like nothing, but it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. This blog was the best thing I'd ever done, it was. You should go back and read those posts in 2007, Chrys. In fact, go read the ones in 2008.

It wasn't just pride, Chrys. It was KNOWING one was a force for GOOD. That people were reading. Being INFLUENCED.

And not just politicos, ordinary people. Women, young people. And it was more than that. Every day I'd get e-mails. FAN mail. I'm not kidding. People really were INTERESTED in what I had to say.

I can remember standing at the bar in the Star that night, looking round. Carly hadn't really started stalking yet and I actually thought I was almost rid of her, so I was happy. HAPPY. The happiest I think I've ever been in my life. I had something I'd never had before- a FUTURE. A reason to be around next month, next year, next decade.

I remember thinking 'If only they knew. The UK's 174th political blogger is in the pub'.

I mattered. I wasn't just a figment of my own imagination. I wasn't a failure.

I was a force for good in the world. The internet's High Priest of Free Love and Democratic Communism.

I found it hard to contain myself, I did. Euphoric, contented. Life had never been so good and a few months previously, I'd never have dared dream life could have given me this chance.

I had a future. And God was on my side. That really is how I felt, Chrys.

It was like I had been living in a black and white world and suddenly it had become technicolour. A few months before, I had just existed. Now I LIVED. I felt ALIVE.

I guess it was like that. Like a second chance at life. I can remember looking at my pint feeling- ecstatic, really chrys, ecstatic. It felt like it was too good to be true. Life just wasn't this good to me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I haven't had many fun times in my life. Moments of joy. But that's all they've ever been, for the most part. This was the first REAL thing since- well, EVER.

My best mate said to me as we approached Xmas 'I want you to have a good 2008. I don't feel you've ever really had the happiness out of life you deserve. I want 2008 to be your year'.

By this time, I thought my problems were over, online. I remember saying to him. 'It will be. I've got my blog now. I've found my happiness, I think'.

I really thought I could make it into to the top 100 UK political blogs in 2008. Get past 1,000 hits a day. And start forming alliances with other Left Libertarian bloggers, with a view to setting up a global federation of good people online.

I don't think I've ever BEEN so excited about anything.

Of course, eventually, the stuffing got knocked out of me. The continual battle of fighting lies and psychopathy. The more you promote, the more they throw acid at you.

And, by 2009, I was back where I started. Life was back in black and white. It had no meaning and- I had failed.

Didn't care any longer, really, whether I lived or died. There was no tomorrow. The stress had caused my life to kind of collapse and- I just didn't have the energy left. And I had found I had never cared LESS about anything.

What had kept me going was knowing that I HAD been 174th UK political blogger, that I had it in me. And the belief that evil and lies can't win. Just hang in there, I thought. Hang in there. And eventually, just like Winston Smith, I had been beaten down. 2+2=5.

Oh, Chrys, I can never forget the days when I looked forward to coming home. Got excited about the posts forming in my head, looked forward to the comments. In so many ways my life now is a looking back on those days. The days when every post had twenty plus comments, and I posted every day.

I was the best person it was possible for me to be. I was, every day, making the world a BETTER place. I was a nail, being hammered into the walls of Capitalism and Monogamy. I felt- about as good about myself as it is possible to feel. I was Frodo, carrying the ring to throw into Orodruin. I was Neo, fighting the Matrix.

To come to terms with that, has been hard. Mordor won.



But that was where you came in. I'll come to that.

Bunny was the second good thing. I suppose she showed up in my life in late 2007 and was with it all throughout 2008. I'm not entirely sure when exactly I knew I was in love with her, it just happened. All I know is I've never looked forward to coming home to someone like I looked forward to coming home to her. Of course, in a sense she and blogging fitted in the same slot.

She was just a very good friend. She had an amazing purity. I put her on a pedestal, I did. She was up there on a pedestal and I was down on my knees adoring her. Just talking to her in IM made me feel purified. I'm not saying we always agreed on things, so often we didn't, but she was just GOOD. To me, she was Haydee from the Count of Monte Christo. She never saw the similarity, but that's what she was to me. She was proof that the truly good DO exist.

I even christened one of my pillows 'Bunny' and used to hold it in my arms as I went to sleep. It was bizarre, in a way. At one level I knew damn well it was tragic as hell, me of all people holding a pillow as I slept and calling it 'Bunny'. Yes, she does have an actual name, which I used when taking to her, but to myself I still always called her Bunny.

I wish you had seen her blog, Chrystal. Her writing showed you the women she was. She used to write short pieces mostly, but the imagery, it was poetry. That was it, I think. She was quite emotionally detached in many ways, a girl who observed life and noticed things. She wrote one piece I remember 'From Stirling to Cumbernauld', beautiful. She wrote a piece on this blog once about her former habit of cutting herself, which was raw. Dark. And yet it spoke volumes beyond her words. About the frustration of life, the pain of very existence. I'd never really understood why people did it before. But- she explained it so well.

I guess it's one thing wanting to make the world a better place. But to me, she was the reason WHY you'd want to make it better. She was so, so very, very good, so very, very beautiful inside, Chrys.

And she couldn't see it. She'd- well, she'd not thought a lot of herself and I think she thought she'd let herself down in the past, but she hadn't. What made my angry was that at 17, she'd been, in my view, used by a 32 year old man. She called it a relationship, in fact it had been her first. In my view, what he'd done made him not much better than a pedophile, but then, I have strong opinions on that subject. He DID coerce her a few times, she admitted as such on her blog.

Funny how you can hate someone you don't know. I hated him so much for that, Chrys. Hated him for hurting Bunny. She told me it wasn't my business to hate him and maybe it wasn't, but I did.

I never really worked out WHY she used to talk to me in IM. Not sure it matters. I don't think it WAS the first time I had been in love since Joanna, but I think it was the first time since then that I KNEW it.

I do think it probably WAS a good thing she didn't feel the same way, because I'm not sure what good it would have done had she done so. We lived hundreds of miles apart. And besides, I'm not sure she was ever really that arsed about Marxist politics. Or Evolution theory.

She never hurt me, not really, and that's a lot to be said. She only ever had a positive effect on me, though she didn't see it.

There are times indeed when I wonder if the time I spent conversing with her was in fact constructive and whether, in fact, I got distracted from the matter in hand. But then, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. And she added to my life so very, very much.

You are probably wondering, justifiably, if at some level I'm still in love with her. Oh, of course. And at some level I guess I always will be. She was just so very, very good, Chrys. Though you and her are such very different people and to compare the two of you would be futile, you both have that goodness and purity to you.

Bunny didn't believe in God, or so she thought, but I think God believed in her.

Yes, I'll love her till the day I die. You don't stop loving someone like that. There will be a part of me always owes her. And if indeed I do one day win out, do indeed succeed in life, Bunny will be one of those to whom I owe thanks.

Bunny made me realise WHY I'm fighting this struggle. It is for people like her. The best of humankind.

And she also made me be- unafraid to love. I think I had been afraid until then. And perhaps, with all that had gone on, I might have ended up being twisted by it all. Bunny was a lifeline of purity, a voice from the angels showing me the true path.

The third good thing, was Crazy Baby.

Babies change your life. Babies change your perspective. When you get to take part in the growing up and developing of another life, things change. You know that, because of how good a mother you are. I didn't, not really. Never been a part of a child's life, until then.

I don't think I'd really thought the whole being an uncle thing through. I did expect that I'd study her in depth. Research about child development and compare theories with empirical observations. Study her cognitive processes and thus learn more about the human psyche. All of which happened. What I didn't expect was just how much I'd bond with her. Actually care about her welfare. Be glad to see her.

But then, I never expected that one of her first words would be 'Joe'. Or that she'd want to play games with me. That she'd pull on my leg wanting to be picked up and cuddled.

I had been a little apprehensive about her arrival back in the summer of 2008. A baby. A human life. Which I would have duties and obligations to. I couldn't see myself doing a good job of that one.

But these things creep up on you. I think babies kind of adopt you in a sense. THEY bond with YOU, I think. They kind of draw you in. I never thought I'd end up spending my Saturday nights playing hide and seek with a baby, but it happened.

I find myself these days humming 'Peppa Pig', 'Barney', 'Carrie and David's Popshop', etc. Mind you, I am also teaching Crazy Baby 'Mother' by Pink Floyd.

Babies give you a new perspective on life. You just want what's best for them. Everything else kind of changes its significance.

Well, you know yourself. A happy, smiling baby face. It changes you. She gets a lot of love, she does, but she gives it too. And it's unconditional. Babies are so amazing. I must admit I don't understand people who don't ever want them.

Of course, my task is the easy one. I've never had to change her nappies or any of that. Just buy her presents, give her cuddles, build walls with her, hide behind blankets, make gooey noises, etc. Still, I can't deny she is one of those genuine, innocent pleasures in the world, spending time with her. I guess I'm not surprised, really, that I feel like that.

If I'm honest, I've been so broody for years, every time I've seen a baby. Badly, badly wanted a baby. And now I've been lucky enough to be part of a baby's life.

That paternal side has always been a huge part of me. This is probably the closest I'll get to actually fulfilling it. And don't get me wrong, I do count it as a blessing and a responsibility. They say blood is thicker than water, but being a true 'there' uncle is more than being a sperm donor type father.

And that's what I want to be for CB, always. 'There'.

I don't want her to go through shit in her life. Her father sometimes says she won't be allowed out till she's twenty, but that's just silly and he admits he's half joking. I'm sure she'll grow up faster than any of us expect and even I will be shocked to find she has boyfriends and gets drunk and I'll think 'What happened to little baby?'

But I don't really worry what sort of person she'll grow into. She's a very well behaved child. Never once seen her throw a tantrum. She knows her to get her way, mind. Tug at your leg and look cute. But tantrums aren't her thing. She's better behaved at eighteen months than some people you and I both know at forty two.

What worries me more, is the world she'll grow up into. I guess it's made more concerned about politics, rather than less so. I don't want her growing up in a world which forces her to SELL her labours of mind and body. I don't want her growing up in a world where sink estates, the third world and war exist.

And she's got intelligent parents. I want her to grow up and have a career, not be someone's wife. I want her to have a future. Hope. Freedom.

For her sake, if nothing else, this struggle needs to be fought. Capitalism and Monogamy need to be overthrown, for Crazy Baby.

Every belief I have expressed on this blog, has become more focussed since Crazy Baby was born.

I suppose since she has been born, I have realised just HOW important this struggle is. WE NEED TO WIN.

Time was when I hoped it could be done peacably. By passive resistance. And yes, we had the conservatives, big c and small c to fight. And in that you can include the Labour Party, most mainstream parties, the family values idiots, etc. Most of them will fight fair, will follow the rules of debate and lose gracefully (of necessity they'll lose in a fair debate for the simple reason they're WRONG).

But as my two years blogging have proved, certain c*nts will fight dirty. They're too stupid to understand that the reason they can't win in a fair debate is because they're, er, WRONG. So they'll use underhand tricks, like going round e-mailing people pretending you're up to something dodgy.

Ordinary conservatives aren't a problem. They're basically decent people, just misled by lies and logical fallacies. But a small minority, are like dangerous dogs.

Bottom line is, you saw the depths the High Horse would go to fight goodness and try ensure the victory of his evil beliefs. That's what the struggle is up against.

He is prepared to die, if need be, to prevent the victory of the Revolution.

And therefore, we're going to have to face the facts that come the day, people like him may have to. Do I want it to be that way?

Of course I don't. I don't want anyone to die. But let's put it this way, I'd rather a bullet was put in his brain than my little niece grew up in a world where opinions like his held sway.

So yes- he's a threat to the children of the future. He'll fight dirty to prevent the inevitable defeat of the idiocy he spouts by the forces of progress. He's proven that.

After the revolution, his kind will be gone. In a way, they're sick. Mentally ill. Conservatism is a kind of mental illness after all. A sickness caused by servitude. Much like many poor whites fought and died to defend slavery even though it kept them poor by keeping the labour prices dirt cheap.

Thing is- he thinks he's the good guy. He sees what he is doing is 'protecting marriage and the family and British independence from feminists, socialists, one worlders, Marxists, etc'.

Which he is, of course. He doesn't realise, that that makes him the villain, not the hero. And because we, the good guys, are to him, the evil guys, he thinks anything goes against us.

He doesn't really care if he has to lie to win. He'd rather I was dead thean blogging. You're right, he DOES hate me even though he doesn't know me, just because of what I stand for.

And he'd see me dead rather than see me win.

Fortunately, these sorts are a minority. Most conservatives will give up when they lose the argument. But I'd never really thought about the fact that push come to shove, that guy really WOULD kill me to protect his silly idiocy from me- the feminist, socialist, one worlder, Marxist and- crucially in his twisted head- 'pornographer'.

I'd rather his kind just had a praefrontal lobotomy, but fact is, we're going to have to combat these knobheads. We CAN'T lose to them.

And ultimately, when it comes down to it, do I have a problem shooting his kind?

I just look down at Crazy Baby and think of the difference in her quality of life if the Revolution wins out and the misery she will have if people like the High Horse get their way.



I hope to God I never have to kill a man, but if I do, and it's him, it would be something I could live with. He's a man wants my niece to grow up a slave and would kill me to ensure that happened.

Yes, Crazy Baby made me realise just how much I hate these people. Only my hatred isn't based on hate. Mine is based on love. Love for Crazy Baby. Love for babies generally. And for her, I'll fight if it comes to it and I have to.

I'm not afraid to die for this Revolution, Chrystal. Not afraid. All I'm afraid of, is that we fail. Afraid that the Revolution doesn't happen.

But it has to honey, it HAS to. The thought of it failing is- unspeakable.

But I cannot believe that God will let us fail. And I believe, I do believe, that God put me on this Earth for this Revolution.

And you can call that Messianic arrogance all you will. No, I didn't say I was Christ. Just kindling wood.:)

Crazy Baby, by her very existence, by the love in her eyes, the hope, that innocent human spirit that deserves to live in freedom and love in a United Earth where war, poverty, hatred, possession, greed have been overcome; she has really made me see things as they are.

This is not a game. This is the future of our species at stake. The Left cannot lose, we cannot allow it to happen.

And so it is time to put away childish things and do the work of men. Alcohol, drugs, sex, yes they are all pleasures and there is no harm in partaking of them. In moderation, they are more than just pleasures. They are routes to enlightenment and tools to be used. But the ultimate goal is something I cannot lose site of.

For Crazy Baby's sake. I want her to be proud of what her uncle does with her life. And that means a life of struggle, a life devoted to the overthrow of this evil system. Dieing in that struggle and FOR that struggle, if necessary.

It IS a war, of sorts. A war of hearts, of minds and of souls. Hopefully it doesn't become one of bodies too, but one has to accept it might. But to opt out of this war, to simply decide 'Fuck it, I can't do anything so I'll just try and be 'happy'. Find love and try make some money. Have my own box and watch a box and raise rugrats because that's what people do', that's cowardice. Accepting defeat. It's being one of the good men that did nothing and allowed the triumph of evil to continue.

And if there is a Heaven and Hell, do you not think God would damn us to Hell for not taking up this fight?

Of one thing I am sure. I have no idea whether God is a he or a she and I don't believe in Heaven and Hell, but I AM sure that, to quote Mick 'Crocodile' Dundee 'Me and God, we'd be mates'.

And I tell you something else- God doesn't give a fuck who you're screwing either. In my view, the more you fuck, the more s/he likes you. I can't quite see why he wants anyone to be a virgin. It would kind of be a waste, wouldn't it?

This Revolution is, if anything, the fulfillent of TRUE Christianity. In fact it is the true fulfillment of ALL religion. All religion that is any good, anyroads.

Anyway, you. The fourth good thing in the last four years.

I was singing in the shower this morning. A very silly song, it has to be said, one I made up myself and not up to my usual lyrical standard. It goes to the tune of Club Copacabana and it goes 'I love you honey, my honey bunny, my honey bunny honey bun, my honey bunny honey bun, my honey, honey bun, my honey, bunny hon, I love you honey, my honey bunny'.

That's how you make me feel. When you ring and go 'Watcha doing?' You're just so, so cute, you are.

You're the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down. You're the sunshine after the rain. Or the rainbow.

You put loads of images in my head, you do. But most of all, I just have this vision of you in a loosely fitting dress of white satin with your full breasts exposed, kind of like a Minoan priestess, a gold circlet on your brow, a garland of mistletoe about your neck. And you dance, you dance barefoot on hilltops by moonlight to the sounds of panpipes.

That's you, Chrystal.

When I talk to you, you make me curl up and giggle. Well, you knew that anyway :)

Luthien Tinuviel, my Elf Queen.

I don't think you realise how you've made me feel- clean again. The one thing about the horrors I lived through was that I felt sullied.

You know how rape victims wash themselves over and over trying to remove the rapists bodily fluids from them and long after they've gone, they still feel dirty? Like no amount of washing will remove the rapist from them?

That's how I felt. It wasn't just the stalking. It was that the whole online world could see that I had been the object of the 'affections', if you can call them that, in such a degraded way, by such a degraded being.

I felt sullied, dirtied. Like I was covered in a film of Carly filth, a sort of mixture of sweat, shit, piss and male semen, Carly in this sensation ejaculating male semen.

I felt covered in it, I did. Myself and my blog, my pride and joy- covered in the eyes of the world- by filthy Carly bodily excretions and secretions. And I FELT it too, everwhere I went.

And smelling of slime. The taint of her dirty, squalid, sordid, impurity.

Your love has made me feel clean again, at last.

And I mean that. Before Christmas 2007 I would attend Mass every other week for the most part. That fell away during 2008. And it was, I'll admit, because I felt that slime, that film of filth had tainted my very soul. Up until then, I had always felt a kind of oneness with God. That whilst s/he and I had had a difficult relationship, nevertheless, before God, I was clean and pure.

As I have said, my grandmother always wanted me to be priest and I do believe that people have a choice. It as an act of Free Will to accept priesthood, but still, to feel the call and walk away is the greatest treason there is. To be born Catholic, to be endowed with intelligence and communicative abilities and not devote yourself to God's cause one way or another, there can be no greater evil. Keep your heart pure and serve God.

And no, you know damn well I don't believe that means abstain from pleasures. What I do believe is, it is a state of mind. Priesthood is the determination to make your relationship with 'God' the primary relationship in your life.

And that applies to women as well as men. Service to a cause is what elevates us.

I felt tainted by what had happened to me. That film of filth covered me and I could not look up at the face of Christ and feel pure before him. The taint of having being on object of such a filthy obsession, a 'passion' that had nothing at all to do with God and simply to do with a squalid desire to possess me, and that filthy obsession to have been so public, that that FILTH had tainted a blog devoted to the work of Christ and had degraded it's author- me- how, how could I look Jesus in the eye?

I felt dirty, polluted. I had failed, let down Christ.

It was bigger than that. I felt my very flesh to have been dirtied. No amount of washing could cleanse me, Chrystal. And my sense of self esteem hit rock bottom.

It was only last weekend my best mate said to me 'You're back'.

I was. Back to being me. PROUD of myself again. CLEANSED. I had stopped making effort, honey. Stopped trying to look like the ideal man, because I felt it didn't matter, that that taint that corruption had poisoned my soul and made me incapable of truly being the man I was meant to be.

Before 2007, I dressed in black as a matter of course, for the most part. To go out, anyway. Black suit, black shirt, black sunglasses. Because that is how I feel comfortable dressing. And of course, it's because I feel most comfortable dressing as clergy dress. By dressing that way, I consciously emulate the finest of human beings and lay claim to be their equal. I had stopped dressing like that because I felt the taint made me unworthy. The film of flth made me impure.

Even the amount of products I used. I've started using them again because I believe I can be beautiful again. I'd slipped into just putting a bit of hairspray and a dash of aftershave on because I'd come to believe that no amount of beauty products could make me beautiful when that stain of Carly filth made my soul a sewer.

Now, I'm back to moisturising, I've bought hairdye again (I'll probably recolour next weekend), I'm back using curl boosting gel, the lot.

I feel that my innocence and purity has come back. The taint of spiritual corruption has been cleansed from me. I can be an object of innocent sexual desire and yet not lose that connection to God that Ihave been able to feel again, through you.

And I can take Mass again.

I think that was the greatest horror of all. Feeling that that filth had cut me off from God. I no longer felt PURE.

I had no idea what it would take to give me that back. Until you came along.

You were what I needed to cleanse me. A love that was pure, holy and sanctified. Above the rather squalid desire to find a mate. A love based not on the yearnings of the flesh (though both you and I do, I think desire bodily union with eachother), but on the higher connections of the mind and soul.

You are a priestess of God to me. When I talk to you, it feels like praying. And that is how it should be. True love, is prayer.

I feel God in you, Chrystal. God shines out of you, you are radiant with her glow. You cleanse my soul, your pure goodness as filled my veins, washing away the taint.

You said when we first started speaking that you thought that what had happened to me was so traumatic you thought I'd need counselling. And you were right- then.

But don't you see, you've done that. YOU healed me. Your love. Your genuine, innocent pure love that had no axe to grind. God sent you to me, Chrystal Smith.

And that, I guess brings me to the point.

I wouldn't say that life is back together yet. The recovery from the collapse is not yet complete. Financially, I'm still bust. That isn't going to be sorted over night. But I'm slowly becoming the man I was before the events of late 2007. The momentum is there. I FEEL the presence of God again, through you.

You talk of us building something. I think we already have. We talk, sometimes idly, sometimes yearningly of being together.

But aren't we already? I know I sleep with you beside me, in spirit. Just as you are with me now, in spirit.

I believe the connection we have to be more profound than most people who THINK they are in love can ever feel. Sometimes you know what I'm thinking before I say it. More importantly, so often you see what I do not; the why. You validate my thought processess, you show me which ones truly proceed from ruthless logic and which ones are subjective reasoning based on subjective experience.

You ADD to me, rather than subtract. This is not Platonic, it is more.

But both you and I are progressive thinkers. The age has thrown up a paradox. This age no longer NEEDS couples, it no longer needs us to be together physically. And if you think about it, what good would it serve, aside from the fact you and I would end up doing a LOT (and I mean a lot) of love making.

Oh, Chrystal, I DO want to make love with you so very much, I do. But we will one day. I'm sure of that. and when we do, the Earth will move and all six billion people will go 'Christ,what WAS that? An earthquake? Christ's second coming? Or Joe and Chrystal cumming together?'

I think we just have to be patient with that one, honey. You, you have your daughter to think of, for now. You're a good mother, Chrystal. She's lucky to have you and as I tell you, I'm sure she knows it in her heart of hearts, even though right now it suits her to play you and her father off against eachother.

As for me, I belong here. My friends, those I care about, live here. I have a niece. And I have- newfound obligations, politically.

I cannot see it ever being plausible that we could ever have lives that physically coincide, but, I would like it, I would :)

Would you really like it over here though? And you couldn't come over just for me. That wouldn't be right, much as I'd like it.

Though I'm hoping you DO come over soon, to visit. Or we do that Mexico thing, or somehow end up uniting our aching limbs...

I think perhaps we just have to take it as is. I love you, I do. I really, really do. So very, very much. I never thought I'd find such a pure, beautiful, sacred- and reciprocal- love. And from someone so pure and shining as you.

I know it's hard, because the only way we can talk is on the phone. And let's face it, we can never have what people who love eachother get to have, physically.

But I don't see that as a problem. Yes, it may well be that for us, love making can only occur once a year or so, but then for one very vigourous week where we never leave the bed. But what we have is so much MORE than that. It is a pure religious experience, I believe that.

I guess you worry I'll lose interest in you now I'm starting to get actively involved in politics again. That if there is an attractive female I find at these events, she'll have the advantage over you of physical reality. That simply because I don't have to choose between her and The Movement ever, because they are always in the same place at the same time, you'll lose out.

You'll never lose out, honey. No one can replace you.

As I think I might have mentioned, I've been asked to contribute articles to a left wing publication. Which I shall be doing. As I say, I seem to have landed on my feet. It will have a readership far bigger than this blog ever had, certainly bigger than that of our Fascist persecutor. The only downside is, it will essentially be preaching to the converted. The glory of 'Crushed by Ingsoc' was that it packaged a Marxist/Darwinist/Nietzchist/Catholic perspective in such a way it appealed to a lay audience that, if they heard the words 'Trotsky' 'Militant Left', etc, would be put off.

But Tuesday's meeting was good. Two points I think I siezed on. One was how the State appaaratus uses 'The Family' as part of its oppressive system and therefore, it should be a target of ours. The other was, wording and marketing.

'Crushed by Ingsoc' showed what can be done. How, with good marketing, the forces of Good can reach a wider audience.

In point of fact, there's little point me writing fresh articles when I have a whole archive to pillage here. All good stuff that will energise a fresh audience.

When I do come back to blogging, I will be forewarned. I know the sort of evil I can expect. But come back I will have to, one day. The battle for ideas is what matters and that battle will have to be fought online.

The Libertarian Left HAVE TO WIN ONLINE.

Yes honey, that means USING THE INTERNET to recruit amongst young people. To spread ideas. To co-ordinate action against the system. To break down walls. Fight censorship. Fight control systems.

And yes, there are certain right wing bloggers who will use evil lies against us because they can find no other way to win. We know that, the last two years have proved that.

But we have behind us the certainty that ultimately we will win. Like us, they believe that God is on their side. But all people need to do is read between the lines, read the archives of this blog and read THEIR archives. The devil is in the details and by their deeds shall they be known, ultimately.

But I digress.

What you havedone for me, is cleanse me. Back in 2007, I was, I think pure in the eyes of God. A sinner, sure, who isn't, but as my Gran would say 'something about you will always remain forever innocent'.

You have returned that innocence to me. In two ways.

Firstly, I didn't see how to purify myself. Also, I missed the subtler evils of this war. Yes, Carly's evil sullied and polluted me. I DID need cleansing of that. But aside from the pollution, it's power to warp was limited.

I think one can see looking over this blog that the taint of her pollution affected me psychologically quite deeply. I think the posts of 2008 lack the innocence of purity of those of 2007. Because they are seen through a film of slime. But the real evil was not of Carly.

'Look into the abyss long enough and the abyss will reach back into you'. Carly isn't an abyss, she's a very shallow sewer. I could not BECOME Carly. Carly is- when all said done- nasty, yes, but also stupid, wildly emotional, violent and insane. Her evil is uncalculated. It just IS. It is the evil of an unthinking animal.

The real abyss was coming online everyday fighting an unseen hidden battle against a whispering psychopath, a man who, like me, believes he serves God, and the strengths of his convictions made him the more dangerous. His evil was the evil of cold logic and ideological motivation. And lack of conscience.

I tried not to become him, but I HAD to understand him. And that meant looking into the abyss. The closet Nazism. The lecherous desire for girls half his age. The bigotry, the homophobia, the male chauvinism. The Walter Mitty personality that creates entire false life histories. The devious, exploitative nature. The mind of the conspiracy theorist. The weak, unprincipled, childish, name calling, finger pointing amorality. The consiencelessness. The inability to let a grudge go. The sexual confusion hidden by the hatred of sex. The insecurity, the feelings of inadequecy satisfied by being 'King of the Blogging conservatives'.

That was the real abyss that reached out to get me. In early 2008, I still dismissed him as basically a buffoon. A dribbling idiot, an online sleaze at most. It was only as time progressed and I saw his hidden machinations. I had no choice but to study him because ultimately, the onslaught of evil I faced emanated from him. Even Carly was but a puppet of his. Most people don't read his blog closely, if they did they would see between the lines; a nasty blog propagating the nasty opinions of a nasty man. Reading his opinions on sex, marriage, rape, Europe, socialism', the 'illuminati masons' and other topics, I knew I was dealing with a special kind of insanity; the type that looks sane but is still, nevertheless, the madness of Hitler.

No, I never took on his warped views. But something of his warpedness seeped into me. To fight off his evil, a part of me saw into his psyche and his machinations and without knowing it, my very soul fell into jeopardy.

I ALMOST turned into him.

And THAT, honey, THAT is what you saved me from.



You saved me from becoming evil by fighting on evil's terms. Because I fought back, sometimes even resorting to his own methods.

'And they looked from pig to man and man to pig and already there was no difference'.

I forgot that I was the better man.

This was not, I realise now, my crucifiction.

This was my forty days in the wilderness.

It WAS a test from God. The victory was not in 'defeating him', not in 'winning' a pissing contest. It was in winning the battle not to become him. He, he lost a long time ago. He lost the battle that really mattered many years before he and I ever knew of eachother. His soul is already a burnt and blackened shell and he is beyond redemption. But still, I pray for him. He has been forgiven by me, but it is not my forgiveness he needs.

And I have NOT become him. But only thanks to you.

And this leads on to the second part.

I think Joanna loved me properly. But since then, tis true, I haven't known the love of a good woman. Not really. I'm not saying I haven't been in love and I'm not saying there haven't been women who have, in their own way, felt some sort of emotion to me that was, to them, 'love'.

But you, you have shown me something I never thought I'd get. What you have given me has been pure, wholesome, selfless and ennervating. It wasn't just some desire to bed me. You don't want anything from me, like me to be your boyfriend, or your husband, fertilise your eggs or some other such shallow urges.

I don't think I have felt loved by a woman the way I feel loved by you. Joanna, maybe, but we were too young. This has a strength that comes with age, experience, maturity and mutual respect and caring.

I think it has a lot to do with your own spiritual nature. Fact is- I've never been loved by someone with a religious disposition before and it shows. That and the fact your IQ is so high.

Your love is built on total understanding and comprehension of me, not a desire to make me into something that satiates you. And that makes me want to aspire to be someone worthy of being loved by you. I feel that I should aspire to be the person it is that you love, because I'm proud to be that person.

I guess the last two years involved a certain loss of faith in myself. You gave me that back, through your purity. That sense of self worth that was stolen from me has been restored.

You never make me feel small, you never make me feel dirty, you never make me feel afraid.

I feel- pure and wholesome, because I am loved so purely and wholesomely by someone as pure and wholesome as you.

You are my angel, my priestess, my muse, my honeybunny, my lovepuppy, my Julia, my Britomart, you are all these things.

Your love is certainly the deepest and purest I have ever received. I don't think I will ever be loved by a woman as good as you.

And so- where does this leave us?

I trust you. I see you as someone I'll always love. I guess I see you as- part of my adopted family. One of my loved ones. I don't feel barriers between us.

I can't see us ever arguing, ever. I can't see us ever hurting eachother.

No, I don't think it's nuts that you are, when all is said and done, older than me and on the other side of the Atlantic. It doesn't feel that way to me, not when we chat.

You feel like a girl of twenty five with your head in my lap. Just- with a wiser head on your shoulders.

I WANT you to be part of my adopted family for as long as you want to be in it. This isn't some kind of deal 'I do this for you, if you do this for me'. It's not about what you do, it's about who you are. I don't want you to be 'mine', I don't want anything from you other than that you already give. Your purity and your love.



I just want you to be my friend who I love, Chrystal.

And I want you to be that, always. You make me a better person.

Your soul shines like a beacon that warms the good, and has the Reptiles hissing and spitting. You are to them, like sunlight upon trolls. And I never want to lose that light.

So Thankyou, Chrystal, from the bottom of my heart for coming into my life. And I hope you will be in it as long as it lasts.

You have given me back the faith to KNOW for certain that when I leave this mortal coil, I will indeed have made this world a better place due to my actions within it. You rescued me from the brambles I was enmeshed in and led me back to the road.

And I hope you'll be with me every step of the way :)

And so, before I leave you with a bit of Muse to indicate the struggle is BACK ON, I leave you again with my song to you;

I love you honey, my honey bunny, my honey honey hon, my honey bunny honey bun, my honey bunny hon, my bunny honey bun, I love you honey, my honey bunny :)



And now, let us march together towards the sound of gunfire. There is a world needs changing for the better.

Yours, lovingly,

 xxx

Happy Birthday, Jesus Christ

He wasn't born on the 25th December.

He wasn't born in the year dot. Herod was dead by then.

There was no universal census decreed by Augustus. And had there been, no one would have had to return to the town of their birth. The Romans weren't as crazy as Obelix thought.

Indeed, there was no stable, no shepherds, no magi. All this was gossip that did the rounds after his death. After all, the 'Messiah' had to be born in Bethlehem.

What we celebrate at this time of year is- 'Peace on Earth Goodwill to Men'.

This is the other festival of the Christian Calendar. At Easter we celebrate what he did. At Christmas we celebrate what he MEANT. Because the fairy tale of the stable, is exactly that; a fairy tale.

So- what did he mean?

Oh, 'Christians' will tell you what Christianity means.

They love to quote the Good Book. But Christ did not write the Good Book. Christ's attitude to the old can be summed up by 'I come not to replace the law but to fulfill it.

In other words, Christ's words are not the Old Testament.

Nor are Paul's words Christ's words.

In fact, I doubt Christ would even have LIKED Paul.

And I doubt he would have liked most 'Christians'.

Certainly, he would have had little time for the likes of Ian Paisley or most of the US Televangelists.

He did not sanction the inquisition, and he would have turned in his grave at much of the Christian Right today.

It would sicken him to see his 'followers' prepared to let a continent die of AIDS rather than use condoms. Or see regular church attenders support the death penalty.

The ignorance of Creationism, the intolerance of Homophobia.

Not in his name.

I don't find much written by Christ on the subject of sex. Love, yes. Sex, no. The only time he was asked to judge on this, he said 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone'.

But I see a lot about Pharasees walking by on the other side. About Good Samaritans. About the pure of heart.

I see a lot about not judging people. About forgiveness. About compassion. About common humanity. About....Love.

His God was not just a Jewish God. His God was the God of all men. His God hated war and persecution.

And his God hated poverty and injustice.

Christ was all about 'Turn the other cheek'.

In modern language, his message was 'Make Love, Not War'.

And when he got to his Father's house- he found it full of moneylenders and animals. I wonder, would he be any less disgusted today by those who take his name?

Perhaps it is an irony of our time. Christians no longer hear Christ's message; so many are the New Pharasees. And it is perhaps amongst the new 'Gentiles', the agnostics- even atheists- who decry traditional religion, that the TRUE Christian spirit is mostly to be found.

The Pharasees are too busy grovelling to their God and preaching at the sinner to hear the words of Christ the Man.

Too busy worrying about the chips in everyone else's eyes to see the logs in their own.

The Man was a truly great MAN.

One of the greatest who ever lived.

And maybe it would be a nice touch if just a few more of us could actually take the time during this season- between the presents and the food and the alcohol and the parties- to take a read of what he actually said and what he actually meant.

And wonder if he'd actually LIKE us.

Because if he wouldn't- then we're not doing it right.

You see- it's about being a good person. And it don't matter how often you go to church, it changes nothing.

And it doesn't matter who you sleep with, or how many, or whether you like to party. It doesn't matter.

Be nice to people. And tell the truth. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

So simple most of his own 'followers' seem to miss the fact he said it.

A new decade starts in ten days.

Two thousand years after his death, are we actually going to start listening?

In Which Ubermouth Tells The Truth- For The First Time

Today we have a guest post. A rather unusual guest post. A guest post which once and for all settles the issue of truth.

But first, an e-mail. From September 2007

Crushed By Ingsoc to ubermouth
show details 19/09/2007 Reply

Carly,
I really hope we can call an end to all this.
I hope this is all over and that we can both carry on with our lives.

This has got to be the single most horrible experience of my entire life.

Please, as a human being, leave me, the people who matter to me, and my blog alone.
This has gone too far.

Just forget about me. Please.
Forget you ever knew me.

I tried calling you earlier, but you did not answer.
I am changing my home phone number on the advice of David and Donna.

Goodbye Carly.

I think that says it all. There it is, in black and white. What it means, is simple. It did not matter WHAT had been before. Two of the closest people to me in real life had advised me to get Carly Swan out of our lives. And their opinion on that was not going to change. And they had made that decision on the basis of how VISIBLY stressed I was by the whole situation of having to talk to Carly Swan.

Now Carly can claim that we were still 'in a relationship' in some way, shape or form after that mail, but that is clearly not so. To go back on that e-mail would have required the consent of the people mentioned it, and since they discovered they were having a baby together two weeks after that mail and needed me to be stress free no such consent would ever be forthcoming.

Now it was in December- three months later that James Higham made his allegations against me accusing me- with Carly as his sole evidence of using my blog to found a sinister cult and abuse women.

Now there are two versions of what happened over the next three months. Carly's is that she 'discovered' the story she tells James. My version is that she carried out a concerted campaign of e-mail harassment and stalking the effct of which on me was, in psycholgical terms, tantamount to being raped. And which drove me to the brink of a nervous breakdown.

So- how do we EVER really learn the truth?

Well, finally we do.

Carly is going to tell it to you. In her own words.

For once in her life, Carly tells the truth.







That post was a dsigrace.I do not know where davaid OR YOU work nor am I interested. I will be exposing you for who you are now though for I am not haivng you do this to me. I have also been told that you fel in love with someone whilst you were faking your feelings for me wiht YOU calling me. Nice guy you are! YOU have even more psychiatric problmes then I thought. despite how much you have manipulated, lied to me , deceived me disrespected me.I said nothing but not anymore!
I will NOT Let you be the victim in this. YOU are pathetic .

Well, Joe,
You do deserve for me to write about your emotional abuse of me.and kid yourself not it was. The mere fact that you publicly declare that you have been faking everything when you have done nothing but try to convince me your feelings had not changed, prevented me walking away when I thought they had, is ABUSE of one's genuine emotions.
SAfter all your heavy love talk and plans that YOU initiated talk of, to say now that you never meant it and I took it too seriously is the SHITTIEST thing that anyone has ever done to me.How coudl you say "Oh, I am sorry that you took ALL MY TAL OF LOVEAND MARRIAGE seriously" Most people DO Joe- for no one would profess all what you did insincerely. I wudl ask you "You do know I love you, don't you?" When you were feeling vulnerable/confused. You would say"I hope so".
You knew that I did. You knew I woudlnever be able to bring myself to hurt you.
It was all just your paranoia.
You say my love is destructive AFTERthe post that you just wrote?
You declared to the world that I never meant much to you!
You wiped away every memory, every word every moment.
Thanks Joe- yes, you do your life work now spreading love in the world.
Carly

I think you may have not been told the right tone of the call. I was trying to get them to understand that you are vuilnerable to exploitation on the net and asked her to encourage you to seek counselling for I told her I could no longer have anything t do with you but iof you were as abusive as you have been to me to soemone else, then that could harm you.
I told her the real story of our relationship and how you have downplayed it................which was my right to do. I am not a dirty secret.
I also do not know wehere you or david work only that oyu make yourself vulnerable by blabbing too much about yourself and I gave her the example that I knew thier last names.
What part did you have a problem with and did she make it clear that I was trying to encourage soemone in your rl to help you, modify your risky behaviour on the net for I can't be there for you anymore.

Wow that was fast! I guess you really do believe in censorship.Luckily I copied and pasted it anticipating your move .

I justsaw your comment on phish's site bragging about your fuck buddy
nOW I TELL THE REAL STORY ON MY BLOG - HOW ADRE YOU DISRESPECT ME PUBLICLY LIKE THAT
COPY AND PASTES AND ALL
i AM EXPOSING YOU FOR THE USER OF WOMEN THAT YOU ARE.DO YOU WNAT TO SEE HOW PAINFUL COMPLETE DISREGARD IS FOR A PERSON

Oh Yeah and we must not leave out your hooker sex
which is mainlyn all you get
For soemone who does ot mind his private life being talked about you certainly have a problem when it comes to talking about me though
you are a player and a user of women

NOW I see why you were making out in posts that it had been me calling you, and that you had not wanted to be involved wiht me for so long. Well my new mission in life is to expose the emotional predator.

It is quite pathetic that you "hide" while in IMs. Areyou a lil gilr that thinks you can fuck ppl over and then them just walk away no har no foul?

LIsten,
I ONLY called you when you were being a rude pig! Other wise I Left it for you to call me so stop insinuating that I was calling YOU! When I wuld hang up on you , you also would keep calling me back. People do that when fighting!
In fact on Tuesday you told me you DIDNT want to stop talking.
Dead issue- you and I both know that you called me daily right up to 30 minutes before that post.
Of course you need counselling. Do you think I say that to insult you? Or because you are 29, have your whole life ahead of you, yet think death is chasing you ad that you have spent your youth and now it is YOUR job to save humnaity ( which you can't anyway) at the expense of your own happiness whn you ahve not had ENOUGH happiness?
You know the other issues you have.
The merefactI figured out that you were off kilter, yet didnt jump ship shluld have told yu I was NOT judging or condemning you.Why do you think I talked abut I wanted to always look after you? I was projecting to the future and what would become of you. Sound like someone who is out to fuck you over?

YOU are mad becuase you had trashed me to them and then it came out that you were inviting me up or do you now deny you were invited me up when she was away?
YOU used to say ( in that time frame you now make out you didnt want me calling you) that our feelings were too strong for a phone relationship...............not like how you are acting now, like your feelings were so little that you didnt even want to talk to me on the phone.

And I know you well enough to know that you will be calling me...........so who do you think you are fooling?
Well according to you , you were not having a relationship with me either so what does that mean?
And yes, when one htinks soemone they care about is in a bad situation thye do have a right to talk to soemone who may be of help.
isnt that what your dilemna was with Ken?
Sometimes for thier own good you have to risk them being mad for the sake of their well being.
And I am still awaiting the emotional promiscious explanation.

Look,I don't know what you game is.What situation? Us fighting over your contradictions? The phone and not rl element? The fact that according to you I took a friendship to be more?
You do have your whole life ahead of you!!! YOU ARE 29 A BABY still! It is not behind you- why would you think that?
The only way you are going t die early is through drugs.
You have serious issues.you don't trust anyone, you are a chronic liar, you egt consuded and lose touch wiht reality at times, you are afraid of love.........you ahve sexual issues and you create achaos in your life.

The worse harm you do yourself is that yu come on all strong giving women sales pitches abut your feelings which are not genuine ad then exepct them to evaporate without warning when you have omved on to soemone else Donna confirmed that you are indeed now spending time on phone with someone else, so why would you feel the need t maintain that you have feelings for me that have not changed from your I love you?

Uhm when people are having a relationship, especially a phone one they have to talk ya know.....and what does when people make you feel good you love them shit supposed to mean?Or I couldnt accept what?
You talk like meeting was the beginning.............that's not how it works. We chat a bit like friends and then one day we meet and do or don't start the relationship from there?

never meant to meet, I mean.
As you said in your post David sugested that you are indecisive in these matters.
Do you even get why I could knock your block off?
If you know that you enever want to settle down ever- you dont talk marriage all the time.
If you know your relationships have life span of a couple mths then you dont get all serious with someone projecting 40 yrs into the future.
If yu cannot commit the time to a relationship or exclusively you do not drag someone into one by pretending to be their soulmate and setting the tone for a serious, long term relationship .
You did all this and then stated, "I never meant for yu to take it seriously"..............get fuckingreal! yes you did or you would not have poured on all the lovetalk.........
And when I aked if your feelings had changed you ahd an obligation to admit it and make a dignified good bye.
I mightadd that YOU were the one who wanted to talk everyday when I suggested it wasn't a good idea.
Who can trust your word when every other one contradicts it?
Wh can trust you online when you deny you have feelings for me when asked , deny m,y existence ( or anyones) talk your shit and then talk differently on phone.
All I everasked of you was to be real and be honest and not fuck it up ( my trust in you) before we had a chanceto meet.
I wonder if we had met, made love, the whole bit- if you woul still have lied to Donna and made out we hadn't?
You told her we neverhad plans to meet that I was a liar to have said that you had invited me there. You wanted to continue our relationship and used the term I still wnat to keep talking but yo dint want Phishez to know....................why should thathave mattered?
Taht's when you killed my lasttrust in you.My call to Donna was essentially to say take care of him for whetehr you think so or not I tried to also be a friend/mentor to you and didnt want you to come to harm on the net, which you are taking far too seriously.
You treat your net friends better than the woman you claimed to love....and you wonder why it ended lke this?
You call me the most horrible experience of your life?
gee, thanks, for all the love I genuinely felt for you. Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt that I had your best interests at heart with Donna.

Well, I bet you are an excellent salesman.
I clearly would buy anything from you.
Congratulations!
Still you said once we were meant to meet for a reason.....atleast I now know why I was meant to meet you.
And you can stop with the false sentiments. This is what pisses me off about you. Do I seem the type that needs false flattery or a man spewing insincere emotions all over me?
You told me once that you can turn your emotions off like a tap.
So why this 'it's heartbreaking' for you too crap?
Even after you wrote 3 horrid posts about me and one fake update( on what basis did you pressume incorrectly I was campaigning that night?) AND defended Phishez and apologised to her as if she was a victim, for you not supporting her enough, I have not written anything that you feared I would.
That is love and concern for someone!
I must be an asshole. I was very upset to see your numbers at 2 this afternoon for I knew how you would feel about that ( and it was a damn good post), I felt like commenting as flame haired cynic to give you an extra comment, as no one knows FHC is us.

The only reason I didn't was because I then thought you will twist it around ( like my very loving call to Donna) and make out I am obsessively stalking you.

Even after what you have done to me, both privately and publicly, I would die if you went to jail, got exploited online, OD'ed or lost the respect of your readership.
You know before I even knew you really- I felt sorry for you that your blog only got afew hits and I went faithfully everyday to give you a comment. I note that your precious 'sister' and Jenny! is not doing that! Why???? Where are they to prop up your blog in slow times?

Well, Joe, you said once that you will not be able to tell how much I meant to you until you fucked it up and I was gone..............maybe when you have been fucked over on the net, then you will realize we were just fighting... and I wasn't the evil satan you accused me of being.
To call me a psychopath and lie to Donna that you never intended to meet me...Man, I can't believe that. When I did feel that you were one( and I am still not convinced that you are not) I made/make no judgements on that.

You know I do not have issues except I was angry with you alot( you could drive a saint to drink) but I did tell you that it was the worst time in my life to have a relationship with all that I have going on in my overly stressed life, especially a net one.
You didn't mind revealing our relationship( at DTB) when it was to crucify me. And the real truth was that you were
a/ giving me a salesjob like you said ( I recall one night you said you want to hear the truth- that I never loved you?"OKay" you said, "I never loved you" then you recanted.- I never said t had to go to love. INfactit was one of my reasons why I didn't want to get involved . I said in 2 wks you wuld be telling me that you loved me- took you one hour from that time.
You talked of marriage and babied all the time and DIDask about me taking you to Canada( in factI thgought you were kidding, at first)
Then you say online that you didn't mean for me to take it seriously?
b/You knew I was NOT campaigning about you. That was all smear. KNowing your negative mind the response post I did ( did you check MY update on it?)you probably thought it wasn't heartfelt but a tactic.

I could never hurt you. Alot of times when I called yo when you were rude and hung up during fights( NOT because you wanted it to be over) was to try and soothe you when you were upset.
Psychopaths can't take alot of stress and the two emotions they have most is fear and anxiety. The ones that can feel genuine feelings think it is love because they normally don't feel much. Any genuine feelings they have are short lived.

I think you are a pscyhopath and possiblt a paranoid schizoprenic...but did I treat you differently? NO! It made me more protective of you.....................and worry for your vulnerabilities more. I don't think you are a sexual deviant as in pervert but mixed up.
I don't think that you are crazy but off kilter a bit.
I have never met someone as vulnerable as you.

I was thinkin g of you today remembering the time I sat in my garden talking to you over the phone and you had just come home from work.
I voiced concern that you would start thinking soon that you were crushed.
Quite agitated you screamed,"I AM Crushed!"
When I sad no you aren't, you asked "Who is Crushed then?"
I said," Saying you are Crushed is like me saying I am Ubermouth."
You were so confused /baffled you said "YOU ARE Ubermouth!"
I then reminded you thatthye were blog titles not people and that we were carly and Joe.
You told me that you get confused at times. I knew that you did.

YOU suffer from low esteem and don't think you are worth anything.
You think you have never achieved anything and that you are just a crim and a loser.
This is why I used to say I wish I was your mum. You THINIK you don't care about maternal love and that it did not affect you but you are the biggest little boy I ever met. YOU are fucking nasty with it though and you ARE manipulative and lie.and those are just bad habits which reduce your esteem even more.

I think you treated me like shit to be honest, especially after saying that you would never hurt me and I could trust you.
You said that you didnt want to end it on Tuesday! SO happy to show me your pic.. You were upset that I wanted Cathy and Phish to know we were togetehr for MY dignity.
So you did that cuz you probably have soemone else and humiliated them to make it look like we were over.
BP ppl thought I was a woman scorned cuz no one wuld believe that a guy could talk about awoman like that and still be in the relationship( or atleast pretending).
I don't think we should email anymore.

I really did care about you though and would have done anything for you.
All I EVER asked from you was to be honest and real. YOU were neither.

I thought your blog was the reason you have purpose.
What did I give you hope for?
NO, I shall never believe it now. Look what you wrote about me? And love does not die that quickly. So tell me when you knew it wouldn't work and why.

Still awaiting for the reassons................

Look at the contradictions.then you wonder why I had trust issues with your sincerity?

Carly,
You still don't understand.
If you had let us have a break, not called Donna, not publically admitted that we knew eachother personally on the bloggosphere, not wanted to speak every day for so long, things could have been OK.

Carly, this isn't easy for me either. I'm STILL trying to get you out of my system now.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Carly,
I hadn't wanted to talk to you, because I had feelings for you, but knew they must be killed.
Tthat's hard Carly.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

You may not know the person's isp as you neverknew mine no doubt but everyday the same isp comes in withing minutes ( I am talking 1-5 mins) as you. No coincidence. So, why the sales talk now Joe?

are you there?

I gave you a quick call last night when I saw that you came back online...otherwise I would not have called that late. I had expected you to answer on first ring due to the time, so not to disturb Donna.

DO you think you deserve better treatment than you have shown me?

I am having problmes on yahoo- unblock me here

YOU are a disgrace the way you have played me for so long! Did you write those untrue posts about me for her benefit? To make it look like we were split up thta long ago and that yo were not begging me to move in and marry you a week ago? Claiming that you loved me days ago?
NO, you ahve bene involved wiht her for awhile bt dont want me to know as you dont want her to know when we ended it TODAY!
And what do you mean I Knew you were attracted to ehr you were denying it this afternoon?
Dont you portray me as a woman scorned when I am concerned about ehr well being.
You leave me no choice t do what I have to do.how dare you make out I gte the dirt on ppl to use against them!Laying the victim again Joe as yu victimize women????????????????
YOU ARE NOT EVEN HUMAN!

Drop dead you abuser! After allwhat you did to me I was protecting yur next "victim"!!!!! SO funny how you are on Cathy's side.does this show that you were lying to me qall this time while she caused me harm? You have beencalling me, you begged me to mogve in with you two wks ago! You wanted to keep your relationship OFF LINE now I see why.same shit you pull in RL with women get friends against her and sabotage her credibility while you areSTILL sayig that oyu love her...............YOU have no shame! YOU are evil...................DO NOT ever contact me agian and this I mean.
I will protect women online from predators like you!
And if anything I said was flase SUE ME.I see now yuor prison mentality_it has been me being abused and smeared by you for ages- yet then behind everyones backs calling me up professing undying and profound love. YOU and I KNow the truth YOU May fool others but what you have doneto me is a pattern.SCUMBAG ABUSER LIAR!
If you have no problem wiht emotions bieng on blogosphere why did yu hide our more meaningfuyl relationship ?
You wrote those posts a month ago and lied to distance yourself from me.
Now I suppose I gte to post about you and pics too eh?
YOU are despicable.

You killed me!

I am NOT Putting up wiht this!
YOU are themost horrible despicable psychopath I have ever met> NOW I teell my story! Now I hvae a cause- to expose you for w2ho you are swo you do NOT do this to ONEother woman.
And yes, I heard how you were also involved with Cathy but tried to suggest she was running around the net lying about that.
EVeryone is aliar but you!
Also heard how you wrote to ppl ( like JOsh) denying our relationship) do make sure to see your love letetrs IN PRINT you hurtful ungrateful bastard!
YOU are welcome for the love, forgiveness, friendshipa nd millions of second chances you asked for.
YOU are right- there IS a war going on .Yours!

Persecuting you?Stop playing the victim!

Funny , am I blocked from yahoo?
For you to admit the truth.
There is no nightmare Joe. I am hardly of a very high opinion of you, obviously.
I want you to admit what I have asked you to in last emails

That is an amazing evasion of what I asked you to admit.
I wont go into the ingratitude of helping you build oyu blog up or how you had some cheek keeping me on the string for 5 mths.
Just admit the points I asked of you. I am not interested in your life views or what means anything to you- people clearly don't. And I do not see how flirting with women here is apart of serious blogging that you would put above wife and kids.
Your excuses are that of a 5 year olds.
STill feigning that you are not involved with Bunny?

Joe,
Cut the crap.
Excuse you look at all the lies oyu have told about me? danage to my blog which is closed , if you recall?
EVery woman is too godd for you Joe.
And you are crazy if you think awoman wouold acept her and her kids coming secondary to a blog.

There is nothing to resolve. BUT I am posting about you. I am sick to death of posts like yurs of yesterday where you talk about serious dating as if I ahd never existed and it is done specifically to make it appear like you had not been talking very serioulsy unsolicited abut me.
I wil be posting WITH emails in next few days

UNLIKE you though I shall be sticking to the truth.OH I have heard all about you and LUcy too. NICe faithful guy!

That is NOT to hurt or scare or threaten you but I beloieve in preventing other women from being hurt by a guy who does it for the sole purpose of an ego trip and sense of power.
You are a dangerous man and public menace to women. How you have treated me is proof.

Why do you have a problem me posting about you btw? Why say you were so afraid of me doing that when you continuousy did it to me?
Why not want our relationship exposed when you didnt mind doing it

I saw a bit of evil in you and told you I had to risk my soul to save yours. I meant that and tried to get you to see you needed help, I thought love would prove you were nto alone in the world and had to act in the most degrading ways that you did.
YOu don't want help or love. YOU ENJOY hurting women.
YOU are as far removed from the person you pretended to be ,to me being the man in the moon.
You get into people's heads and then preject whatever image you think they want.NO wonder I flet you were a male reflection of me- you were mirroring me.

BTW Your actions determined the ending- not mine.You should be smart enough to know that.

BTW MY real objective was showing a guy whom I believed to be floundering and fucked up and low on esteem that he was lovable, that I would not give up on him lightly and hopefully get him off drugs , get counselling for what ails him and show him that someone would stand by him through some of his worst behaviour , which I took as being a self defense him- against -the- world mechanism.

That was what I was trying to do for you.
What did I get out of it?
Nothing.
Not much of an agenda , was it?

NO Joe, YOU suck! YOU have all ready admitted that you exploit womens feelings, that you still profess love when you are really the enemy.

You know I thought today of the nasty things you said about me yesterday.
I cannot beleve what a horid person you turned out to be. Its unreal all what you have done to me, liked to me strung me along etc etc and y76ou ahve the cheek to say I a the devil?
YOU have made your biggest enemy boyo

WHY do you assume I have an agenda?
You once said I could not love you so there must be an agenda.why did you say that?

Go on yahoo

Go on yahoo, Joe. First off, I hate Gordon Brown - you know that. I believe in communism for christ sakes! We have the same political leanings, recall? SO stop calling me fascist or an employee of the State.........

Are you getting me on yahoo?

Joe!
Go on yahoo! I am not an employee of the State and you now this.

I helped your blog recall?

Joe,
What are you saying? That I am a man? Yes women who feel hurt and heart broken dolash out! Loook at what you have done to me???
BTW You have heard my voice enough to know I am not a man.

You must know shit all about women!
BUT then again you are a 'hit and run' aren't you? So you have probably neverseen your handiwork, after the fact. Now why are you not responding on yahoo? Am I blocked?

DO you recall how upset you were after Joanna? That is How I feel!
I am NOT a spy. I am NOT nasty and you know that!

What is the difference between us taking ere or yahoo? Except the time delay?
Joe- you know it is just me.
Did you ever love 'Carly'?

You have to go to bed soon so pick up your messages on yahoo and come in there and talk to me.It's important.

Joe?
What do you mean I got into your head and you got me out?

You must not forget what was between us. ITWASREAL

Demented in what way? And can we talk in yahoo?
Phishez is a fucking nutter and even you know that! I expected you to stick up for me and show me some love more than just words.

BTW That nutter friend of your fought with ME recall?
JOe I am worried about you come into yahoo or I am going to call you.

I was CRusheds best friend. I went there everyday and still do, helped promote Crushed recall?

I am phoning oyu now unless you go to yahoo!

Bunny is NOT a friend to Crushed>

Why have you not changed your number but it just rings off the hook?

Joe have some manners and talk in yahoo! Trying to talk like this is crazy!

It is important that I talk to you so stop with this shite.

You know, I am just Carly Swan but it alarms me that you talk of me bieng a spy and your persecution complex kicking in , thinking I am an enemy of yours.
How could you forget all that was between us? OR now think that there was some agenda?
If you do not answer me , in yahoo,I am never going to speak with you again Joe.

Okay, is that what you want?Me walking out of your life forever?

I think it very typically selfish of you to make such wild statements and then not explain them and show such bad manners not to talk in real time.

I agree that the system needs to be destroyed. WE ALWAYS had the same political views.

I did a post , did you see it?

GO read my new post.

Oh just the games that you like....you know being the 'embittered, nasty, hurtful, rotten SATAN NAZI SPY CUNT WHORE who turns on ppl they purport to love.'
What do you expect though from someone with a personality that sucks?
You should know that game- YOU INVENTED that game.
YOU DID say ' Do your worst' though.
I am just bieng agreeable.
OH yeah, can I have your permission topublish one of our IMS?
I wouldnt want to do it behind your back.

Joe,
It's insulting that you would degrade what was between us wiht such shite as insiting that I am a spy. You forget one very vital thing! YOU are NOT important enough to be spied on. Your blog is not relevant enough for anyone to want to bring it down!
You have subjected me to horrors by how badly you have treated me.
I Have seen emails that you wrote saying the most horrid things about me dated same dates as you called me up nightly talking of your 'love' for me.
Then you have cheek to act like I am a nasty person?
You have cheek to say you want love so badly when you had it but tossed it away over shite?
it's degrading that you would act like I had any agenda in meeting you.
YOU persisted wiht me if you recall? How could I have had the agenda when you were the one coming to my blog? Flirting with me?
You forget how much I resisted a relationship...not much of an infiltrator huh?

I don't know if this talk of me being a spy is a manipulation or a hallucination on your part.
What was that last night about you saying that you will not fall for emotions again?
Did you love 'Carly' is that what you are saying?
You were not scammed.

YOU are a dick- you oculd have had both! AND someone who helped your fucking blog!
NO one was more proud of you and your blog! NO one boosted your writing confidence more thna me or advised you when you were losing perspective..............but oyu never appreciated it!
I find that offensive. BUT look what you did to my blog.
I got mails from your readers after what you posted about me.
BUT I never put you down!
You cannot claim the same!
I am fucking sorry YOURfriend atatcked ME if I recall! NOw go to your friend and ask her to help you wiht your blog. YOU are offensive that you always bring up my defending myself against your friend! How fucking dare you!
I do NOT sit and get shit on by your friends and take the rap! And you cost a reader _ the most imprtant one... ME
NO you have done far more harm to me but because you looked like a nasty piece of work who was milking it, it made you look bad!
For less, you wrote about me all the time.
YUO are the most insincere , lying disloyal person I have ever met.
WHere is your condemnation of what PHish did to me??????? She called me apsychopath and interfered in our relationship? Thats okay right?
well maybe I should call uy a psychopath and see if that is OKAY TOO>
OH then she stolemy blog and wrote lies about me, still has my urls and you did fuck all to egt them back.
NIce friends oyu have there asshole! BUT then agian you odnt deserve better friends.

Yeah but the one you claimed to love a HUMAN BEING could be shit on by your most ignborant friend and that was okaY? YOU owrry about losisng a reader but the woman oy claim to love can get treated like shit by your ppl and she had better not even complain?
HOw dare you! It was okay all what PHish did ot me?
NO YOU Lost me ! YOU odnt even realize what you lost but you may not get it again!



Fuck you!
YOUr commentes may be more important to you than a woman you claim you love but to me NO! YOU are a disgrace! What about human rights and ijustices you talk about?
SO you would have soemone upset me so greatly I closed and then had my blog hijacked but that is okay as long as I do nothing about it.
I dont recall you minding losing ME as a commenter.
With guys like you who needs fucking enemies?

I do NOT Have to leave ANY abuse of me Fuck you!!
YOU gave her carte blanche to treat me like shit a woman ( her) that you claimed that you were afraid of turning on you , if I recall?
MY feeleings for you began to die whe you did not defend me against your rude friend. I am nearly 20 yrs her senior how ignorant and ill mannered she would attack me on MY blog discusisng MY relationship cuz she is arrogant enough that she thought she knew you better than me and what was going on n our relationship
IT was rude, abusive and out of order. YOU then were aabusive to me for defending myself.
Now go ask Phish for her help

YOU are crazy!
YOU are too ungrateful to even realize what was in my heart for you, why I stood by soem pretty awful behaviour( you wouldnt treat your netfriends as appallingly as me) how much I boosted your confidence , your blog, nominated you for awards, begged my readers to back you, stayed glued to my pc for days multi voting for you, made sure to comment every fucking day! Advised you when you could not see certain posts made you look bad, begged james not to go to BP about you........telme what PHIsh did for your blog beside infrequently comment?

NO ONE can make you happy!Because really it is you who is embittered, nasty,hard, cruel, and turns on ppl they purport to love.
I fell for you because I thought you were no less than amazing-= a beautiful human being , full of compassion, love, loyalty, positivity, honesty.............but that was all a mask.
The real you called me the most GOd awful thngs, degraded and humiliated me overe the blogosphere, refused to acknowledge privately or otherwise my importance to you.......the man who you pretended to be would never do that to a woman.
YOu would upset me greatly and all ready sleep deprived I woudl beg lets talk 5 more mins and leave this on a positive note so I can sleep. YOU would slam down the phone.
When yu were upset even afterwriting all that degrading shit about me( but never aligned ytourself wiht me positively- even to give me warm comments ) I STILL talked to you for hrs in your lonliness/upset.
I bet yo have shown my ims /emails around YET I Never have yours.
I would not have let my famiy treat you the way any commenter of yours can me.
YOU wont find love Joe cuz you have none to give.

YOU ingrate- we were discussing your blog! YOU are lucky I was giving you a critique that you may have been able to use to increase your readership. BUT oyu are too ignorant and too ungrateful to 'get it'
You know what I Have the business mind- you are the writer.that's why you took off. and to prove my point I shall invest my business mind into marketing my own blog and we shall see whose goes through the roof.( and I am not even pretending to be as good a writer as you).but I KNOW my target audience- you don't. I Know how to edit- you don't.
And P. S You wasted 5 mths of evenings for me! And I odnt recall one of them , yu devoting your efforts to my blog.
I Hvae never met such a negative , ungrateful and rude person.
Tell you what.Don't email me. Simple.
Ciao!

Joe,
THis is the last time I shall write to you. I don't require a reply.
These pastseveral weeks I have swung between longing for what we had and really growing to find you an unsavory character; something I fought hard to never view you as.

Yo knolw when I amiled Phishez that time, we were nto getting along well, you left me hanging during some pretty shitty circumstances instead of trying to make me feel better about who you were. My feeling the need to warn a young girl about you but remaining loyal in that I did not disclose relevant information,was more your fault than mine.

I am astounded at how cold you are, how you only view everythin g between us as negative and that you show zero remorse for the cruel and inhumane way you treated me.
The way you blogged , and behind the scenes ,while quite two faced would be calling me every nigh whispering your words of love, while behind my back was making me out ot be soem fantasist is unreal.
Do you realize that you have protrayed me as some obsessive nutter ? You even used my age against me to make it look like you would not hvae been involved with someone my age.
Whe I think of the early days- how I told you I do not get emotionally involved for who needs to go through what I am now, when you ardently persued me, told me you would never let me down, talked of such serious plans(later admitting that you work on assumption that all relationships only last 2 mths- you had no right to do that!

You kpet me sweet wile you strategized the exit that left you unscathed and me looking so bad I closed my blog rather than take yo on- which I could have done ad cost you yours.
I Have compassion though- know that revenge is not sweet, and didnt want to cost you what you feel is all yo have in your life.

The way you announced your crush on both Bunny's bog ( wiht aI odnt care that she knows when we only ended it that day and you had denied it right up until then) and on your own was to hurt me.
I have never seen a man act in such a cut throat manner and then play victim to the hilt.
I am convinced now that you are a psychopath and I have no doubt, I am not wrong.
I warned Bunny , even though I had to break my agreement to you, because I could not bear to see another woman go through the emotional upheaval you put me through.

It's clear though that you have all ready grown bored of her.

You will never know what I felt for you, what sacrifices I was prepared to make for you, how loyal I actually was to you and how sincere I genuinely was.
Likely you don't care.as long as you have some voice on the other end of the phone.

I have been emailed a greatdeal and was overwhelmed at the response I got regarding my leaving and appreciation for my blog and encouragement to stay.
I toyed wiht the idea of coming back but have decided to let the Ubermouth character die.
You killed it though, as you sit there and think somehow the fall out for your own shoddy treatment of a woman online publicly and repeatedly is MY fault.
I genuinely wish that I had never met you. You brought me nothing but unhappiness.
I predict you will lose your blog in a matter of months because your real you is starting to leak through your blog and it's not a person that appears to be very respectful.
I was going to give you some more advice in regrouping, gaining focus but you were so rude and ungrateful I will leave you to your own devices.
You know, you neverbatted an eye whe people like Phishez was so horrid to me with your approval............There were a million times I should hve called it a day but I got so caught up in wanting to show you that you were loved, that you culd trust that I had faith you could get beyond your immediate selfish, naricisstic needs that I didnt look after myself.

I couldnt believe when Donna and I were on the phone and you outright lied and made out you had NEVER invited me there, never intended to meet me and that I was some net psycho. YOU have no idea how that felt , the humiliation hearing yo yelling that and then only coming to the phone to scream at me that you " never wanted to hear from me again", infront of your room mate, when two days earlier you had begged me to marry you.
A part of me died that day.

You have turned out to be the most traumatic experience of my life, especially because you had floated in on the wings of an angel...or so I thought.
I am not a nasty embittered , hateful person. I did not turn on you- I didnt even defend myself and always forgave you the posts.
You have never seen true heart break because you are a hit and run kinda guy , not interested in the damage you leave in your wake.

I tried to save you fro yourself and was knifed for my efforts.
I wish you well in life , all the same though.
Please let those be our final words and do not respond.
Your lack of care in your response would only be demeaning.
Delilah

You are a fucking dick.

Get on yahoo or be sorry

FUCK YOU PRICK!
You said talk of emotions did not belong in blogosphere and that was your excuse for all your degrading behaviur about me. Then you deny that we even had a reelationship and acted like I was some obsessed womn chasing you( or you you DENY you wrote leters like that to ppl) and then you blithey when you knew how much was betwene us brag about women you have met and like?
SORRY YOU BLEW IT_ NOT GOING QUIETLY NOW

The whole thing was awful because of your behaviour! as it is wiht all your relationships

Have cheek to deny our relationship for 5 long months while talking so passionately about me and then talk of other women as if to gain cred to further make it look like I was some saddo stalker/ obsessed woman?Now I understand why phish said if the relationship was as I said .when she atatcked me on my blog in Aug- oyu made out to her I was soem friend who got obsessed wiht you , didn't you?
Or do you deny that?
Now it is WAR

How dare you when you knew me to be very honest, very togetherr, had no agenda, loving soul, genuine feelings for you portray me as you did.

I am sick to death about he4aring about your blog. I loved and had a relationshsip wiht you not ablog. I iddnt defend mnytself because of your blog.
BUT when I see the shit you are pulling now then that is ENOUGH!

Call me right now.

And I mean it! I am not having this conversation in mails.

I LOVED your fucking blog so dont hand me that! NO one helped you more than I did.

phone me right now

It is in YOUR interests to do so.

Dont hand me that shit and call me

THis is the last time we speak. and what do you mean dangerous? Thin you are going to fall madly in love wiht me at the sound of my voice? Oh come on!

GROW fucking UP!

It would be a HUGE mistake to pull this hiding behind david. david told yu to write that post about me yet you called me everyday while Donna was gone and invited me up there recall?

darling you lost someone who should have had more value to you than david
DO you NOT get the concept of what love means? Or that I would have dodne anything for you? MORE than David would.
IT was me YOU SHOULD HAVE WORRIED ABOUT LOSING

Just call me

of course I did! and you as well! and you are wrong _ I understand you BETTER than David

You talk ad nauseum about me NOT getting you when I DID all along. I just didnt agree wiht the self destructive ideas that you have.
IT was YOU who never got it or ME!

You think you can blow someone off in 5 minutes?

Now I have a a mission too- exposing the REAL YOU- you abuser!
Not even had adate wiht the woman and she gets mentiuoned on your blog? Yet for 5 mths you talked your love BS to me and behind the scenes denied we wqere haivng arelationship?

YOU are horrible piece of work and I should have reacted quicker but I will expose you for who you are and NO that is not black mail.

NO, you were not interested in,listening to what ahrm you have caused me so you can read it onn my site.

You purport to pretend Crush has feelings for women here so they will fall for you and then become devoted acolytes.
You think I am going to let that happen?
You should be sectioned.
You make out that you love the world when you have shown me nothing but hate.
You love the world but claim each individual doesn't matter.so why should you?
Your blog rep is so important but not mine?
Only a 5 year old boy lies about women in the malicious way you did me.
You have cheek to declare feelings for other wone and then call me everynight talking love?
You are scum! YOU have no love OR humanity in you.
All you are going to do is hurt more women here.

All I see is your constant drip of I, I, I!
Crushed is NOT a person and HEY!It's not like I would LIE about you!
If you have treated me so fairly and NOT lied behind my back then there is no problem with me telling our "Love story"
Joe,
I am very hurt by how you have treated me and ruined things. This in turn lead you to believe that I did not really care about you as deeply as I did. YOU were wrong . I did.
I still care about you and that is why I don't hastily post on you- because I could not hurt you as you have done me.
I shall not post.
I do not want you to be afraid of that.
NO, I wanted to tell it because you have destroyed my reputation here by telling wicked lies about me...because YOU didn't have faith.
I had faith in you, Joe Joe and you broke it.

I have always worried that you would take this blog of yours too seriously and you are falling deeper and deeper into your unrealistic obsessions.

You say that love is hard to find no, infatuation . Love is another matter entirely- and THAT was what I did feel for you. But also, very protective of you.and scared of you at times.

You can drive a woman to such emotional pain/upset/anger and bitterness and then sit in judgment ( not looking at your actions) thinking that she is bitter/nasty/rotten and YOU are the victim.
YOU had no riht to declare feelings for Lucy or any other girl and then still retain the right to take up my time and emotions.
You had no right to fake feelings that had died when I gave you easy outs whilst you figured you how to get me off the blogosphere.
Everyone can handle things NOT working out, that's a fact of life.
There was no needs for the lies and subterfuge though which deeply hurt me.

I always said that if things got too hard, before we could meet and be together , to let me know BUT not ruin my trust in you over another girl, so that we could never be together.

You didn't have to write those awful posts about me nor chase me from the blogosphere ruining my reputation here.
Accusing me of what you did is as bad as calling a man a pedophile.

I don't know what is going to come of you as you are so self destructive ( but heard everyone that comes near you) but I hope that you will have a happy life.

It upsets me so much when I think how we used to talk about how people wouldnt understand how much was between us....and now look at what you have done?

I was not bitter, angry, nasty or any of those things - I was very uspet at what you were doing all the time.

I wish you well with your life and your blog though , Joe.
You should all ready know that.
Good bye
Carly xo

UBERMOUTH has left a new comment on your post "Sick of The Game":

Right I am absolutley fed UP with this rwe writing of hitory. The lies the betrayals crUSHED BY INGSOC AND WHAT HE DOES TO WOMEN ARE ABUT TO BE EXPOSED.DON"T BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE AND YOU MAKE OUT YOU ARE UPFRONT ABOUT YOUR LIFE STYLE CHOICES? i HAVE EMAILS TO THE CONTRARY.oh AND 2 TIMING ME WITH THE GIORL WHO WAS OUT TO SABOTAGE US.

PERSECUTION?lISTEN FUCK FACE! YOU WILL WHEN I GET AN APOLOGY. AND YOU ARE THE REALA YOU IONLINE SONCE WHEN ARE YOU NON MONOGAMOUS? ALL ALONG OYU TOLD ME DIFFERENTLY, SO WHY ARE YOU PULLING THIS.MAYBE TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE PROPOSALS LOOK LIKE ME LYING , AS YO CLAIMED?
NO NOT EVIL- THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU FUCK WITH WOMEN

I JUST MAY POLEAXE YOU LIKE YOU DID ME!
AND i LOVED YOUR BULLSHIT OVER AT ANGELAS

lmao DO YOU THINK i DO NOT KNOW HOW TO WRITE AND ENSURE TO STICK TO FACTS, DOCUMENTARY PROOF AND WHERE INDICATED MY EXPRESSED SUBJECTIVE OPNION BASED ON KNOWING YOU BETTER THAN ANYONE HERE?
You ARE EVIL AND HOW YOU TREATED ME. I hate you now and I am not gpoin g to be a silent victim anymore.

YOU better call your lawyer- I now have all the prooof I need and its all going on line. And I have copy of your posts as I said!
Nothing is sincere about you!Why so worried if I am only telling the truth?

fREE LEGAL ADVICE FROM UBER
SLANDER LIABLE LAWS 101 FOR THE RETARDED

You can only sue if it is uttered or written publicly that could cause , and harm has to be proved, losss of respect of community , job etc, or celebrity future earnings jeopradised.
ASI have only called oyu a noncer to your faced NONCER you cannot prove any of those points. Its not in the telling it;s in the harm caused to your charcetr
you alal ready know you are a BRITAINS BIGGEST FUCKING NONCE>

YOU OD not EVEN LOVE YOUR OWN MOTHER, RECALL ( WHO SHOULD BE SHOT AND PISSED ON FOR HER LACK OF REGARD FOR THE COMMUNITY AT LARGE ,WHEN SHE VOMITED YOU UP) DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT LOVE....YOU DONT KNOW THE ME4ANING OF THE WORD.
BUT IF YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT GUY AND NON ABUSER TO WOMEN YOU MAY CALL IN ALL YOUR EX GIRLFRIENDS TO REFUTE THAT!

THEN WE WILL GET DAVID AND DONNA ON THE STAND AND LET THEM SEE WHAT ALIAR YOU ARE TOO.
I DID LOVE WHO YOU FAKED BEING- IF YOU HAD EVER HAVE LOVED ME YOU WOULD NOT HAVE WRITTEN SUCH SMUT ABOUT ME, BROKE MY HEART WIT CRUELTY NOT CUZ IT WAS OVER, AND LIED TO ME, ON PHONE TO CATHY ETC ETC ETC.
I WILL ONLY TELL THE TRUTH! MNORE THAN i EVER GOT AOUT OF YOU

OH YOUR BLOG IS GOING TO BECOMEPUBLIC- A PUBLIC WARNING TO WOMEN!

bTRW YOU LIE ALL THE TIE ON YOUR BLOG - FIRST OFF YOU ARE INSOC!
SECOND OF ALL- YOU AMKEW OUT YOU HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR? NEVERSAW IT YOU ARE AS STODGY AS A 90 YR OLD!

you know why i hate you!

no you are not the carefree, humourous gy you play, nor the ethical honest one either.
Did you not tell me that your post on non monogamy were not your personal views or how you exxpected to lead your life?
Be brave enough to answe that!

Darling - iT was yuo who proved your lack of worth NOT me!
I want a man who would rather FUCK than blog. Who is honest, knows how to treat a woman. a man not a sniffling, sneaky , lying boy. WHta makes you think you meaured up? Lying and talking to Cathy , all your flirting - how dare you act as if I did anything wrong expecting you to act in a truthfulo and respectful manner? And you didsnt mind calling me 5 times daily whenn it suited!I didnt run around saying YOU were obsessive!

SO exactly what do you mean by how I behaved? OBjcted to your less than sincere , respectful treatment of me?
And what are oyu saying that you have never bene involved wiht Bunny?
Curious to see if you deny that!

I realised long ago, I hadnt got what you wanted, and you couldnt make me happy.

OH when did you realize this? And you have your fucking cheek! Suggesting that I oculd nt have made you happy??? HOw dare you imply that I was not good enough for you!
Who would NOT fight wiht a guy who is professing feelings for tohers, befriending her enemy secretly and running her down and then on same nights calling nad profewssing great love and soul mate shit( dont you hate that word?)
How many times did I tell you STOP saying that yu loved me when I no longer believed it? Hardly obsessed! Then you had cheek to get mad that I didnt believe you! Then you finally convince me wiht your speech end of Sept only t be told later you were lying!
and you think I am the hurtful hater?

NO< I shall contact you until I feel better and you will just have to suck it up as you created hits problem! THIs is NOT how you treat women. and I am still waiting for numbers of how many women you professed feelings for.come on Mr Truthfl!
And justify publicly stating yo had crush on bunny bwhe crushed is suposed to loook unintersted in that.you r excuse yuo fucking player for 5 mths!

do NOT make the mistake of not answering questions I Have a right to know.

You do NOT gte to flick women off like this after hurting them so much, playing the victim and then not make enemies.
I am going to ring you be it on your head if you dont answer.last chance!

BIg MIstake Joe HUGE Now I Play like you do. I am going to employ the same tacatics you did behind my back........and then lambastse you online.
I shall send you my nerw url where I challenge every lie that you come out with and the real life style that you claim that you are so open about!
Then I am goig to calll your priest, your family EVERYONE!
How dare yuo treat women like this.
Its not about it being over- it' about you lying in hte most horrenbdous manner to everyone about me when I was very good to you. Then I become the devil because you dont like it that I am mad??????????????
How dare you! I am your biggest enemey now. CRushed is going to be exposed you NONCER!

YOU are menta! Shuld be comitted!
I have gathered alot of info about you- all inb written form
Yeah I WILL BE WRITING THE LONGEST POST IN BLOG HISTORY BUT BUCK UP NARCISISSTIC FUCKER - YOU GET TO BE THE STAR!
THAK GOD YOU WROTE YOU WOULD RATHER HAVE A COMMENT THEN SEX.
FAG

Call me right now,m you have no idea what state oy put ME in tonight!

I have to talk to you immediately.

If you ever genuinely loved me you have to call me.

I am NOT a liar or manipulator. yes, I did lie about police report cuz I had to know if it was just pills. NOw I believe that to be true. WE have to talk Joe.

Joe- please call me. NO I didnt try to fuck wiht your head. WE will have a cigarette togetehr and then you will understand. I really am NOT a manipulator or a liar.

You know I am a quick talker, quick thinker, my mind goes 100 miles aminute so although I react quickly I dont always react well if upset. Taht is the truth and no guy has ever upset me like you- cuz I never felt about anyone as I did you. You lead me to believe the same so naturally I am very upset.

You do not understand heart break or women's emotions because you fuck off when your behaviour makes them angry........this is not evil Joe. This is heartbreak.There is a huge difference. CALL ME NOW I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU.

Too busy chatting to soemone to bother to answer?
Right! NIce comment at bunnys too
Go read my reply

YOU are a lair and manipulator!!!! HOw dare you fuck me about as you do watse 5 mths of my time and then not even call me Who do you think you are?
Right. You are certainly not blogging at this time. Sonew net lover Joe/
Is that why you are afraid of my postin g ab t us?
mailscoming up

So honesty check who are you iming? You prick its all about you isnt it?
You havent had a letter in years?
Not whaqt I recall
You cocksuckler

What I have put YOU through? Gte fucki ng rela
Cathy has your mobile BUT NOT me! Whilst w you continued to call em every nigth number hidden> You beggedn me to amrry you and then lied to peopl like I was a nuter! You stompd all over my soul
I am no longer mailing you
fuck you
you eitehr cvall me or take your chances when you leave a woman feleing as you doi

FUCK YOU YOU CUNT! YOUTHINK I AM NOT WORTH A RESPONSE? thIS IS HOW YOU RILE ME UP! HOW DARE YOU YOU DEGRADE WOMEN AND HTIS WAS WHY THGNGS WORKED OUT AS THEY DID
YOU CAN WRITE LIES BUT ME SAYING THE TRUTH IS EVIL
YUO CAN FLIRT WIHT WHO YOU LIKE AND I HAVE THE ISSUE !
A WOMEN WHO YOU HATE HAS YOUR MOBILE
CALL ME NOW OR I NEVER EMAIL YOU AGAIN- YOU WILL NEVER EHAR FORM ME AGAIN.

HOW FUCKING DARE OYU TREAT ME LIKE THIS! YOU CUNT YOU ARE FUCKED!

YOU ARE AN EMOTIUONAL REDATOR
AND MANIPULATOR
AND ABUSER OF WOMEN
I AM TELLING IT ALL

NOt doping the email thing anymore> YOU call me or not. I will deal approriately
You tr4at me like a stalker
LIke someone who was never anything to you lie you had NOT fucked me oevr for 5 mths

I WILL PRINT YOUR FUCKI NG ADDRESS
ITS LEGAL HERE JOE

YOU ARE SO PATHETIC.....................REALLY AND NOW I TELL THE WORLD HOW MANIPULOATIVE YOU ARE
SO WAS BUNNY IN ON THAT?

HAVE TO GO BLOG COMMENTING NOW FIRST TO BUNNY'S.

I will be calling granny tomorrow you can be sure

and what do you possibly think you would see me in jail for?

I shouled actually thank you- tonight I fell out of love wiht you> I am NOW FREE FRee of ever getting sucked into having tender feeleings for you

Wat 54 minutes so that you can come to my blog and see your pics.

I do expect a response as I am NOT letting this last post go.
So salesman answer my last mails and tell me how you propose to make me a satisfied customer?

There is an old adage that you can't love anyone until you love yourself and you can't heal anyone until you are healed.
You are not healed yet. Maybe helping others will heal you- you are like me that way.
Do you recognize that you punish yourself by shooting yourself in the foot all the time when you subconsciously feel you need to be punished?

IF I wanted your blog gone it would be so!
And why suddenly sticking up for Cathy? YOU HATE her remeber and think her a scumbag and manipulative decietful cow recall?

One does not make a conscious decision to love. I did leave your blog alone. I am leaving it alone now.

Come into yahoo RIGHT NOW
NO fuckin g about
NO one knows yo or cares about you more here and I Have to talk to you
IMMEDIATELY

Are you online now?

YOU had commitment and help and support from me for your blog and you bloody well know it! You did not have carte blanch to be overtly sexual in my face with women while lying about our relationship- not and keep calling ME every night, but you wanted both.

Joe I have developed feelings for someone who is everything you only pretended to be. I am no longer romantically interested in you but I am still pissed at how appallingly you treated me , worry about the emotional safety of women here AND for some UNGODLY reason still worry about you as well.NOW it is like a mother but a pissed off one...I think.But if you walked in the door right now, I would do you( but I am horny, like that)( then kill you) so that is very confusing.

Even though I think you treat women like shit- you really touched me on a deep and profound level ( or I would not be so mad at your crap and insincerity).
You don't drag a woman into your life to the extent you did me and then toss her off ( withouth even tossing her off) without

OKay that last email was a draft that was sent by accident.SHow anyone and you die.:)
I meant to have asked, are you online now?


I have to talk to you so come into a chat proggy

And what is the difference between talking in yahoo or here?
And what are you afraid of?
You know I care about you

I NEVERsaid I would threaten to post your past just that you emotionally abuse women!
Look, you are purposely trying to fuck your life up! I am trying to save it- like we always talked about!
DO NOT condemn me because I flet s used and lead on and degraded by you.
PPL like Cathy when they think you a pratt just walk away, but I do care about you.
And you know it.
Cuz you DO need looking after - when you get confused and feel stressed and fight blind.

NO, because I Hvae to look out for you.

HOw do you save someone who is hell bent on destroying themselves and do not see how vulnerable they are here?
When do oy give up on someone who keeps kicking you in the teeth, becuase they know no better than take the hand that is trying to help them?

Come in to yahoo this delay is ridiculous!

O but you kept her in our life when I said she would destroy us!

You could at least have the couth to answer me.

NO if you had showed I had any value to you , you would not have talked badly agianst me allowing Phish to think she could attack me wiht full sanctions. You all ready wanted it to be over by then I suspect and used Phish as your online "David" and Cathy was recruited too.
I am not a stupid woman, I Have an analytical mind. YOU were bored when you met me and thought you would have a romance but as you said you worko assumption allrelationships last but 2 mths and figure out the end from the beginning. How dumb doyou think I am, that I don't recognize Phish was a set up and handy excuse? Then things fucked up because I was angry - do not play the victim well, and thenh you began keeping me sweet wilst you decimated me to silence my vice and make it ook like we were not involved?
THAT is what happened.once you found your calling- you had no interest in romance- so you wanted to throw me off like a used condom but kept up the love talk whilst you figured out how to do it, without an regards for how /what I was going through!
That is what makes oyu a emotional abuser. YOU kpe tme by your side while I was a threat ( in your eyes) until you could remove the threat by ridiculing me.
Admit it! YOU did NOT suppress your feelings,they died a quick death cuz they were not very string form day one.
ADMIT THIS is really what happened


Joe,
First off I would not want a man who would sanction a woman friend attacking a soul mate of his and considering his blog. The only reason it would have jeopardised your blog nipping it in the bud, was because you were doing about turn to her.
AS shew said ifr the relationship was 'as I said' meaning you were telling her it was not a relationship- then you would have asked her to stop interfering. HER own words.YOU didnt because it suited you.
TO say you fell out of love with me because I defended myself as if I did not have a right- is crap! From day 1 you lied to me when you committed to a non monogamous relationship and said we had to seize the opportunity because neither of us went beyond like.
That in itself is enough for me. I do not think you were ever sincere so yes! That makes you a predator and exploiter and abuser of womens feelings.

I was slagging you off at a time when your behaviior was so odd that I fel a vulnerable girl talking about such abuse needed to guard herself. NOT telling her WHY I warned her was protecting you too!
ALSO< she then began abusing me in MAILS BEFOREand that was WHY I posted about her.
ANd listen dumb fucker yo said far worse abot me to cathy ofr no reason if you recall BEFOREthat so get off your hgh horse!
I can;t stanbd your hypocricy!
GO READ CATHS MAILS YOU WROTE!!!!!THEN HAD CHEEK TO CALL ME EVERY NIGHT WITH YOUR I LOVE YOUS!!!
GO READ POSTS YU DID ONLINE ABOUT ME AS OPOSED TO ME WRITING NOT MENTIONEING HER
YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITE YOU ARE THE MOST ABSIVE LITTLE MAN I HAVE VERE MET !!STILL FRIENDS WITH PHISHEZ? STILL VALUE HER WHILE YO TREAT BME LIKE SHIT?

sHE ATTACKED ME IN MAILS CALLING ME A PSYCHOPATH AND TALKE DOF PERSONALITY CHANGED ) IRONICALLY YOU STARED MUMBLING HTOSE WORDS RECENTLY SO i KNOW WHERE PHISH GOT THEM FROM) THEN SHE CAME ON MY BLOG AND ATATCKED MERIGHT i AM GOING BLOGGING! FUCK YOU! AQND GOING BACD TO KLIT TOO FUK YOU I WILL SHOW YOU SAME LOYALTY FUCK YOU BOTH
CRFUSHED AND PHISH EXPOSED AND i MEAN IT
NOW DROP FUCKING DEAD

LISTEN,
Thedn you wonder whwy yo winbd me up.YOU were asleep and then at work I KNOW beter than yo what PHIsh did to me. When I told you she called me aposychopath yo said so what/ You probably deserved it.
When you called me froim work and I said she is attacking me on my blog yu apologised and said you would sort her out when you got home.
YUO did not show me one ounze of loaylty- told e loyalty was an emotional and redundant reaction.
DO o think you have treated me very welol?
YOU befriended cathy dished the dirt about me and called me talking of love!
ARE you a very nice guy?
wuyld you lie Phish to have aman like you?
Me- I defend ppl Imlove against attack. I lost an 8 yr friendship when she was prepared to ruin things for us. YOU had only knwn phish a few mths!
YOU claimed ot wnat to spend your life wiht me and politley you oculd not say be nice to her she is important ot me?Had she not attacked me then I owuld not have needed to post wouold I>
BUT if this is the sht you spew then NOWI Know what y were saying behind my bac to vp- that I atatcked her?????????? you fucking cunt
I am NOW yo biggest enemy

You know what< FUCK YO , FUCK PHISHEZ, I AM NOW SORTING OUT THE LIES ON MY BLOG ABOUT YOU BOTH.
YOU NEVER CARED ABOUTR ME OR SHOWED ME ANY LOYALTY
PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO HATE YOU
GOTTA GO TO KLITS NOW

WAS TRYING TO BE YOUR FRIEND BUT IF YOU VALUE A PHISHS MORE AND WILL LIE FOR HER THEN i DONT WNAT OT KNOW OY DAMIEN!
noW I SEE WHAT OYU SAID AY bp!
i SHALL BE LETTING BP KNOW THE REAL STORY NOW AND i HAVE HER MAILS STILL
I SHALL BE SHOWING YOURS
I SHALL NOW TALK BEHIND YOUR BACK LIKE YOU DID ME
YOU FUCKING WELL TOLD BPI ATTCKED HER
THAT WAS WHAT I AM SORRY I DID NOT TELL PHISHESZ STOPRY
YOU KNEW SHE ATADCKED ME AND YOUR EXCUSE WAS SHE CONTROLELD HALF YOUR BLOG ROLL WAS RILED UP BY CATHYA ND YOU WERE AFARID OF THEM BOTH AND THAT YOU WANTED E TO PROTECT YOU FROM THEM, AS PHISH WAS FUCKED IN THE HEAD AND YOU DID NOT KNOW WHY SHE ACTED LIKE THAT..........NOW I SEE WHAT TRANSPIRED,YOU BACKED HE UP BEHIND MY BACK SO IW OUDL NOT SEE AND REFUTE WHAT YOU WERE SAYING!
RIGFHT PHISH AND JOE BEING EXPOSED.
NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN.
I SHALL STICK TO THE TRUTH THOUGH.

so A READER WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU?anyone COULD ATTACK AND HURT ME ? AND THEY WERE THE ONES YOU WOULD DEFEND?
GO READ YOUR POST WHERE YOU MAKE OUT I WAS YOUR MOTHER AND YOU DIDNT LOVE ME THAT WAY9 WHICH WAS SHITE) YOU BASTARD, AND THEN SKIP TO PART WHERE YOU TALK OF HOW I GAVE YOU UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!
P. S I AM INVOLVED WITH A B.Per I HAVE THEIR EAR AND WILL NOW EXONERATE MYSELF

P, S YOU MANAGED TO STAY FRIENDS WITH CATHY AND HELEN AND PHISHS ALTHOUGH THEY FOUGHT WIHT ME! i SOLICITED NONE OF THAT BULLSHIT ! WHY DIDNT I FIGHT WIHT JENNY OR EVE? cuZ THEY ARE DECENT PPL WHO DID NOT DO THAT TO ME...........HELEN , CATHY AND PHISH ARE NOT WORTH ONE PENCE.

I could not ignore a gilr who said to you in her rush to judgement " she is out to get you with a vengeance" when I was not! she assumed that cuz you were all ready putting me down.
YOU were hurting me when the first night oyu lied and said you never fall in love, that you asked for me to take you to Canada, marry you we were soul mates, meant to be in first2 mths, only to tell me later it was not real then and that you always assume all relationships last 2 mths.
so do not tell me i hurt you first.you hurt me when the first moth y made out to Cathy i was jealous of her skin tone, after she sent fingers to sear your blog, then asked her for sexual fantasies while hiding the fact that you were in contact and running me down to a gril who out of her jealousy turned on me!
you purposely lied to bp and made out I attacked her ad degraded me!
why would i be jealous of an 18-20 stone woman who cant get men whne I am an 10.5 stone woman ; a red head with huge, blue eyes, freckles that can pretty much get ANY man I want?
This is the worst relationship I ever had because you are a sneak and an operator and aback stabber.
the BPer now involved with ( not james) will sort you out when i now tell him what really happened! you had cheek that night after wr4iting secret lying letters ton call me when you were upset and I sat up on phone with you all night while you cried and laughably told me you never believed you could love someone so intensely? AFter writing that I Had attacked Phishez and gave her immunity for how she treated me? SO you both just lied!
Then you called me crying! NOw I see why yo did posts on SEpt whe I said I was going to tell them we are back togetehr.
YOU HORRID LITTLE PERSON!
And you think oyu are qualified to do anything ofr humanity?

I never fake orgasms , love, anger- nothing! And YOU of all people should know that!
I do NOT lie either and do not like a turd like you, implying I do.you on the other hand wouldnt know a truism if it bit you on the nose.
When you asked if I had left the comment you c&ped the other night I said NO! I didn't recognize it as mine ( it looked too well typed and grammatically correct) although, as I pointed out , factually so.

When I went to the site I was not sure even then til I clicked link myself. Once I did I fessed up...as I do NOT lie. How many times did you ask me questions which I could have lied and I never did?

GIven all the help I did for your blog and encouraged you to find your writers voice and talked your blog shit for mths cuz I knew you had no one else to- to palm me off as someone who hates your blog ( which is not true) is so rude and vile. AND a kick in the teeth. Yet you never said once I was you calliope, or what alovely girl this is- I got no kudos, no awards ( not that I needed them) not even warm comments like the others.......BUT I was splashed all over your blog in HATRED! Think about it.then you would sit there and CALL Me a hater> Go look at Freya for how you were mentioned on my blog - or the night after we talked?

You featured on my blog in love an virtual cuddles- I only got the public raping and knifing!

I wanted to take you travelling ,see the world help you with your book , help you find your cause and look after you ,yes( but not as a mum)- You say 'remember;- I do, and we know what conversation, but you don' t.NOT mother and you knew it.

I fought wiht you because I dont LIKE disharmony in life and I wanted your conduct which was causing it to end- I walk away from toxic ppl like Cathy cuz I dont like fighting or enemies..........more important things to do in life- laugh, have sex, enjoy life, stimulating conversation.THOSE are the important things.

You NEVER got that- I am the optimist out of us two, NOT you.

Joe I do not and would NEVER deny that I yelled at you and called you every name under the sun. I admit my mistakes too, for I AM honest BRUTALLY SO, I am accused of. BUT you drove me to those levels of despair because you would not yield on the tiniest thing so we could have harmony. What did being friendly wiht Cathy really gain you , except bullshit and another enemy? SHe did and proved every point I warned of, with gusto.

THis is how I saw you ( and this should make you perk up- all about you).
Within about2 days I knew you were a narcisisst and baby like, clingy and needy.
I didn't care- thought it was cute... to a point.

I realized that you were STARVED for love and affection and someone seeing the good in you.and I DID and gave you all that. I got very little back Joe but I understood you were spiritually and emotionally depleted. I used to get so fed up with you telling me that I did not get you........I DID , YOU dont get YOU and you certainly dont get me half the time. YOU cant gauge people or situations if you have to rely on emotion instead of logic. I got that too and oy used to rely on me to see what you couldnt, if you recall?

YOU are negative, killed my humour, you rarely laughed , you are older than me in a stodgy way, You have low esteem............and I understood and bled when I saw that! Cuz I understood.IT wasnt just jail- but being the lil kid in a family who thinks they dont love or want him.Cycles of women hating and angry, buit yo never looking at your behaviour to see where you went wrong so you play the victim! dangerous game, for you.

I knew that you were a broken man but at a stage where you were still like a teenager in some ways, emotionally, but I knew that you had a big chunk of vital years taken from you and I knew you would catch up.

I am NOT jealous or possessive or controlling...............that was your rush to judgement.
I NEEDED you to show I could trust you to not to lie to me, break my heart, be a player..........cuz I was investing a lot in you. I wanted to help you reach your potential and kill that evil bit in you that was struggling for dominance which would ruin your life.

I was very loyal to you ( even with Phish which I Have explained) You saw the beautiful letter I wrote her to assure her that I did love you and even respected her friendship with you saying that I could understand she took it the wrong way.she didnt show me ANY respect or OUR relationship etc........... you were touched.

I never asked you who you mailed or what about ,did I?I never resented you being in IMs but one does have to put some time in relationships- not every day.

I liked jenny and EVe and ALexys I did like Phish ( more pity actually, I saw win her what you did) I immediately forgave Helen and then apologised after she did which was right for her to do, does that sound like a hater or jealous woman? NO!

YOU iddnt take the time to get to know me and when that became clear then I started to give up on you.
You stressed me out but as I said to Jenny once- when she asked why I put up with it ( ppl saw how badly you treated me online Joe BEFORE the posts) I said- I am trading in my short term happiness for HIS long term happiness and when he is happy I will be and we then will be happy together.

You never got any of this , did you?

When you read the letter I just wrote you, you should be ashamed to even speak to me like this.
Don't you ever sent me a letter like the last again. The odd comment upset you? I have left 4 comments ( incl Ruthie's) GO look at your posts the emails you wrote about me and you tell me psychopath who you think it evil.
NOw, clear off wide boy. Hater.

Don't contact me anymore- I find you repulsive esp if that is your only non human response to my tome.
Now clear off.




Emotionally Murdered anyone lately, Manson?

The Person I Am

I am the person who-

1/Is the first to console a friend, watch their kids, look after them when ill, lend them money , buy them groceries when they fall on hard times- without expecting repayment.

2/ Is the one who , when at work with psychiatics, and they have no one to take them away for the holidays- invites them to my house for Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas meal.

3/.The one who, when she worked with the terminally ill, stayed over time with NO PAY to be there when they died, with someone to wipe their brow and hold their hand and then go to the funeral and pay my respects for another human who mattered on my days OFF.

4/. I was the one who bought all her ill patients Christmas presents (as I made my living off of them and wanted to give something back) and for many that was the only present they got that year (having no one) while the other girls I worked with talked abut what THEY might get form their patients instead, and grumbled if they got nothing.

5/. I am the woman who has never cheated on a man as I would not abuse their trust in me, or make them feel so insignificant.

6/. I am the one who has been there for her mother my whole life ( while you claim yours is just some woman who gave birth to you whom you hardly know)

7/. I am the one who can meet a fucked up guy like you, show I have faith in his goodness, forgive him some cruel and horrid behaviour over and over again because I genuinely cared very much about him- even AFTER he did all what he did! Despite the pain and humiliation and distress he caused me , would put that aside and try to understand that I had to give him lots of leeway as he had been through a lot and had many vulnerabilities.But I Had been through a lot on life and didn't need to be lied to, talked of badly against and you secretly using a BITCH like Cathy to use against me, like a weapon.

Where is Cathy now Joe? I heard form her mouth some pretty nasty things about you and that she does not even answer your mails. Her goals have been met! YOU are no use ot her now- much like she is not of any use to you.

You said to Babrie you did not know who was manipulating you and you didnt trust either of us. I told you Cathy would do that to you!Run me down so much that yo were not sure who to believe. BUT did you EVER stop and think-it was Carly who actually loved you?Sat up in the middle of the night and talked to you when you were upset?Offered to help you wrote your book, take you to Paris, and Canada ( fly your friends over when you were lonely?) tried to keep your rounded when you lost focus?Tried to help you over come trust issues?
Did Cathy ever show you the mails where I wrote her telling her to leave you alone, that she was hurting YOU more than ME? ThatI cared about you deeply and was trying to help you overcome some trust problems?
She didnt give a fuck about you cuz if she had- she would not have tried to turn you off of me, you who was a lonely , insecure guy who was just reaching out for a bit of love.

If you were badly off, would Cathy even open her door for you?
I would- even now!

I have seen what you would and DID do to me.

My heart used to swell with love for you, and I was very protective of you,you were very well loved ( and not as a mother) but you knew no better than to piss it away and to cause such situations that one could not help but argue with you.

I never broke my promises- I never posted about your prison or name- I was not running around blogosphere decimating you ( you just assumed I was doing what you were).

Yet half your I love you's were lies and came 5 minutes after writing nasty mails/posts about me!


You will NEVER find love cuz you have NONE to give.

YOU are the born salesman who thinks everything/everyone especially a woman who loves you is there to exploit.

Carly



And then to sit here night after night, while trying to get answers ( my right) being called a spy, devil, Satan , liar etc.all those things I am not.

YET, while trying your damndest to convince me we were meant to be forever- you all ready were thinking of it as a usual 2 mth thing and utilizing Cathy's hate behind my back to your advantage.Also telling people that I was some obsessed nutter than you were NOT even having a relationship with?
Then you wonder why I was so mad...............or demanded to know answers so I could get the closure I needed in how someone who I thought was an angel ( my punishment for being good all my life with little reward) could be the worst and most painful exp I ever had?

I used to say you didn't have to lay it on thick( you love talk).So why did you?
Why fake love? WE could have just chatted as friends. CUz you , for your own ego, have to win people over and dont care what salesjob you sell!
Imagine If I wrote EVEN ONE post about you like you did me! let alone all what you did.
But you are the victim!

Think of me at X Mas, as I shall be thinking of you, whilst yo sit alone instead of us being in Paris.










Finally she got the message.

Note, no mention of a Charles Manson type cult.
Just the truth.

In her own words.

It was Hell. And no human being should ever have to endure what I had to endure- as shown, in this post, IN CARLY'S OWN WORDS.

It was stalking. It was harassment.

It was wrong.

And to defend it is indefensible.