Tuesday 24 February 2009

Mixed Feelings

I suppose I'm in a wierd place now. It's been a wierd couple of weeks. On the whole quite positive, amazing in some ways. I think I came into 2009 on a real downer and yet now I feel quite uplifted in spite of recent events.

Yes, in a sense the future looks daunting. I think I'm starting to see that. But I have faith in it. I believe.

Some of you, of course, have been a part of that. There are several people over the last couple of weeks I owe a huge debt of gratitude to, for being there. You know who you are. You've been the difference.

I've made one very good new friend and also remembered a very important old friend who I had neglected. And now I've had a chance to remember just how good a person they are.

People have been very nice.

And I don't forget things like that.

I'm actually one of those people who've gained more faith in people over the years. As a teenager, I was firmly of the opinion that everyone lets you down in the end. My opinion on that has changed radically over the years. Some people truly are worth their weight in gold.
And will never let you down.

On the whole, I do think one is right to trust people until proven wrong, rather than take the reverse view.

Which is why I'm in a wierd place.

It has happened that someone in my life who I thought the world of, someone I had over a long period of time, come to regard as one of my closest friends, has demonstrated that that friendship meant nothing to them. And I'm surprised by how hurt and rejected I feel. It isn't a nice feeling, and I guess I'm lucky in a way it happened now, when I have so many positive vibes to counteract it, rather than a few weeks back when it would have been truly devastating. Of course it is still devastating, but right now I guess I'm kind of cushioned against the blow.

I think what surprises me is how I feel about it. Hurt? Yes. Pride dented? Yes. Blow to self esteem? Naturally. But angry? No. No.

And that's one thing I'm glad of. That I am capable of viewing things in perspective. When I was a child, I might have got angry about it. But now I just feel 'They don't value me like I thought they did. I wish they did, because I still think the world of them.'
Because I do, actually.

I guess I realise that whilst I'm hurt by them right now, badly in fact, I didn't value them for no reason. At many times in the past they made me feel quite valued and gave a lot to me. Otherwise they wouldn't have come to mean so much to me. I don't believe that the basis of our past friendship was a lie.

And I'm not one to turn my back on someone who meant that much to me either. I say meant, but that implies it's past tense. I should say, mean.

I believe that one day we could be friends again and I wish for that very much, but unfortunately it's never as easy as forgive and forget. They are already forgiven, but it takes a while to forget. The forgiveness is not bearing a grudge, the forgetting is hard because the hurt is still raw.

I guess the way I feel about it is that I have a kind of fantasy event in my mind. That one day in the future I'll be throwing a party to celebrate having achieved the sort of success I dream of. And everyone important to me would be there. All the people I write about, everyone I knew at uni, everyone I know socially, ex-work colleagues that I got on with, even some of you lot maybe. And they'd be someone I'd want to be at such an event.

And if it was to happen next month, then they wouldn't be.

That's the situation. And I don't want it to be like that.

It feels like a bereavement.

Hugs and kisses, people, love you all loads.
Thanks for being here.

Joe xxx


Anonymous said...

You will prevail my friend.
Hugs and Kisses to you too!

Fusion said...

On the whole, I do think one is right to trust people until proven wrong, rather than take the reverse view.

I'm the same way, and thankfully haven't been burned very often in life. But it happens, and you're handling it right, counting your blessings instead.

Glad you're feeling up overall.

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

I have been let down by people I thought were good friends and it is a gut wrenching feeling. By the same token, it's just another experience to put under your belt and learn from. Chin up :)

Crushed said...

Sweet Cheeks- I think so, yes :)

Fusion- You will get burned, of course you will. But you get the good side, the benefits of all the time you don't get burned. Where others would have waited, perhaps forever to trust, you have gained valuable closeness.

After all, the really amazing thing about human life is opur ability to connect with other intelligences.

It's never wasted, even when you're let down.

Reeny- It hurts, of course it does.

But the only thing to do is move on. One has to risk these things in life. It doesn't deter me.

People are generally good, they really are. As the last couple of weeks have reinforced for me, if I didn't already know. :)

I've Been Mugged said...

I've Been burned a few times and yes it hurts - but you've just to get on with it I think.

People let each other down.FACT.

Not all at the same time hopefully.

Judith said...

Ack, I know what you mean. The closer I get to my novel publication dream, the more I find myself missing my former best friend who crushed me by similarly not valuing our friendshipthe way I thought he did. I keep wanting to email him an share my excitement, but realize that I'm looking for something that never really existed. It hurts, but it's this sort of nebulous pain, where it was probably my own delusions and expectations of him as much as anything that fucked the whole friendship up. Ah well. Live and learn.

I hope your friend turns back around for you.