Mixed Feelings

I suppose I'm in a wierd place now. It's been a wierd couple of weeks. On the whole quite positive, amazing in some ways. I think I came into 2009 on a real downer and yet now I feel quite uplifted in spite of recent events.

Yes, in a sense the future looks daunting. I think I'm starting to see that. But I have faith in it. I believe.

Some of you, of course, have been a part of that. There are several people over the last couple of weeks I owe a huge debt of gratitude to, for being there. You know who you are. You've been the difference.

I've made one very good new friend and also remembered a very important old friend who I had neglected. And now I've had a chance to remember just how good a person they are.

People have been very nice.

And I don't forget things like that.

I'm actually one of those people who've gained more faith in people over the years. As a teenager, I was firmly of the opinion that everyone lets you down in the end. My opinion on that has changed radically over the years. Some people truly are worth their weight in gold.
And will never let you down.

On the whole, I do think one is right to trust people until proven wrong, rather than take the reverse view.

Which is why I'm in a wierd place.

It has happened that someone in my life who I thought the world of, someone I had over a long period of time, come to regard as one of my closest friends, has demonstrated that that friendship meant nothing to them. And I'm surprised by how hurt and rejected I feel. It isn't a nice feeling, and I guess I'm lucky in a way it happened now, when I have so many positive vibes to counteract it, rather than a few weeks back when it would have been truly devastating. Of course it is still devastating, but right now I guess I'm kind of cushioned against the blow.

I think what surprises me is how I feel about it. Hurt? Yes. Pride dented? Yes. Blow to self esteem? Naturally. But angry? No. No.



And that's one thing I'm glad of. That I am capable of viewing things in perspective. When I was a child, I might have got angry about it. But now I just feel 'They don't value me like I thought they did. I wish they did, because I still think the world of them.'
Because I do, actually.

I guess I realise that whilst I'm hurt by them right now, badly in fact, I didn't value them for no reason. At many times in the past they made me feel quite valued and gave a lot to me. Otherwise they wouldn't have come to mean so much to me. I don't believe that the basis of our past friendship was a lie.

And I'm not one to turn my back on someone who meant that much to me either. I say meant, but that implies it's past tense. I should say, mean.

I believe that one day we could be friends again and I wish for that very much, but unfortunately it's never as easy as forgive and forget. They are already forgiven, but it takes a while to forget. The forgiveness is not bearing a grudge, the forgetting is hard because the hurt is still raw.

I guess the way I feel about it is that I have a kind of fantasy event in my mind. That one day in the future I'll be throwing a party to celebrate having achieved the sort of success I dream of. And everyone important to me would be there. All the people I write about, everyone I knew at uni, everyone I know socially, ex-work colleagues that I got on with, even some of you lot maybe. And they'd be someone I'd want to be at such an event.

And if it was to happen next month, then they wouldn't be.

That's the situation. And I don't want it to be like that.

It feels like a bereavement.

Hugs and kisses, people, love you all loads.
Thanks for being here.

Joe xxx