Wednesday 6 August 2008

Official Announcement- Appointment of Official Blog Stalker

Due to recent events, a position has become available as Official Stalker to Crushed by Ingsoc.

All applicants had to be considered on their own merits.


It has always been the position of this blog that the man and woman in the street are inadequetely recompensed for the labours they put in.

I realise that the previous blog stalker had far too much of a workload, and thus, the new stalker will not be expected to fulfill such functions.

Future stalkers will not be expected to;

1. Contact every single commentor at this blog and notify them of their existence.
2. Ring my home number and when it clicks through to voicemail, keep ringing, up to twelve times at a time until the phone is answered.
3. Barrage me with e-mails.
4. Comment on every blog I comment at two comments after mine and leave defamatory comments.
5. Send offensive e-mails to other female bloggers attempting to twist the knife in on matters close to the heart of those female bloggers.
6. Find out the number of my grandmother in the old people's home and make 'Sleeping with The enemy' style phone calls to them.
7. Find out the number of my parents and yell abuse down the phone at them.
8. Work nights. If I've gone to bed, there really is no need to stay up till 4.30 AM to leave stalker comments. In future, this part of the job is being removed.
9. Oh, and take workdays off too. No need to leave stalker comments when you KNOW I'm in meetings.
10. Compulsive lies to sad middle aged divorcee male bloggers, especially those who try to present a holier than thou image but in fact type one handed for a very good reason.

Basically, much as I enjoyed lieing on my bed in tears because of how good a job the previous holder of the role was doing, I really don't expect the same of the next. Some people are just so good they can't be replaced.

So, it's a new, trimmed down stalker role we have recruited for.

The new demands are much easier.

And that, I believe is why we found such an excellent candidate.

She applied, her application was considered and though she would not have suited the old role, due to lack of psychotic characteristics, she fits in ideally to the new trimmed down role.

Starting immediately, with the responsibility of providing regular guest posts and being a full and positive part of this blog, may I introduce you to the official Crushed by Ingsoc blog stalker- Crashie!


Anonymous said...

I didn't know that Crashie's Avatar had love in the middle of it, until you enlarged the photo!

Anonymous said...

hey, u forgot the key word... i'm the "passive stalker" with emphasis on passive. :D

cherry: the avatar actually symbolizes rocking Love ;)

Anonymous said...

can't beat humour

Anonymous said...

he seems rather nice...

I've never really seen you use sarcasm before, it was kind of funny. I liked it!

Anonymous said...

I think that the post of stalker must be rather draining. Surely a part time jobsharer thingy would be much more conducive modern with modern female lifestyle choices. ^_^

Also it would have the advantage of bringing more creative skills to bear on the task. Maybe the new post holder should form a committee…^_^

If you insist on authentic bunny boiling* though you need to be aware of the rocketing costs of gas and electricity and expect expenses to be submitted.

*no animals were harmed in the writing of this comment

Anonymous said...

We'll all miss the warm thoughts and sane monologues of your previous stalker crushie.. But ahh all things in life must change.. Even when we thought they never would..

thank fucking god

Anonymous said...

CherryPie- Nor did I :)

Crashie- That throw's a lot of sheep....

The rocking love sounds good to me...

Quasar- I think the fact that i can finally find some humour in the situation has to be a positive.

Kate- She :)

I do, quite bit in real life. I'm one of those people that if you ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer. For example if you ask me what I'm doing when I'm blatantly sat at my desk eating a sandwich reading my private e-mails, the response is likely to be something like;
'Chatting to my Illuminati brethren via the internet about whether or not to organise Walpergis Night ritual slaughter cermonies in New York or Rotterdam.'

Or, if you're holding up a file with my itials on 'Did you write this pile of crap?'
I reply 'No, you did. Don't you remember?'

Moggs- You'd have thought so. But the undead don't sleep.

I think my new stalker has ;
a. a job
b. 3D friends

This is why the role has been reduced to pretty much 'I'll ping you if I'm online.'

I think that's a better job description really.

Kimba- Really? You know, I don't. The warmth was a little too scorching for my tastes and whilst I love a good monologue, it has to end in either rhyming couplets or an amusing punchline- maybe done in a funny accent- to really grab my attention.

Anonymous said...

Crushed! Glad to hear that the old is replaced with the new and much improved. Who wouldn't want to be stalked by Crash?

I've just closed on a similar situation. I'd explain it further, but one never knows whose eyes might find it. Just say that she threatened to do everything she could to destroy my life if ever the nature of our relationship was disclosed. I'm beginning legal action against her, as she is of a rather important and powerful role, fully capable of carrying out her threat.

Yep, that took the wind out of my sails, for sure. But I'm back and I'm still the same old me. Can't let assholes ruin the way you live your life, even if it becomes difficult to remain true to your self through the ordeal.

Is it possible to send Crashy to stalk me while she's off the clock on your blog? Sure could use the company. :)

Just kidding both of you. All in good fun, as this post seemed top be underneath the serious nature of the subject.

Anonymous said...

Damn... I like Crashie! I'm kind of sad she won't be vicariously stalking me, too.
(I only got one comment warning me about you, to be fair... so your old stalker apparently wasn't that thorough)

Anonymous said...

I been away for few days, well really was busy with the crap of life, wow Crushed you have been busy lol.