Monday 15 October 2007
Lessons I Have Learned In Life
Sometimes, it's easy to lose sight of the straight path.
Life is full of little detours and little blind alleys.
It's not always easy.
For me, it certainly hasn't been.
I'm guessing the same is true for many of you.
When I was younger, I was something of a compulsive risk taker. In some ways, I still am. But time was, when there was very little thought put into my actions. Take the risk and hope for the best, that was the logic.
I guess it was partly arrogance. I used to think I was a lot cleverer than I actually was. If the cash machine stopped dispensing me money, I'd find some somehow, until I got paid next. You get used to the idea that you never need worry about tomorrow, because you can pretty much handle any crisis.
I used to walk through life blind, just following my own path and damn the consequences. Life was pretty much one long game of roulette.
This way of living accelerated in September 2001, when my then girlfriend had an abortion. I had tried to prevent her, but ultimately supported her when she went to the clinic.
It was while I was there, that the guilt hit me like a hammer.
I felt an accomplice to the murder of my own child.
And I couldn't deal with it.
But I didn't just blame me.
I blamed the society which had made it so easy.
I sat and wallowed in self pity.
Worse. I decided I no longer had any obligation to society.
F**k them and their law.
That became my attitude.
My attitude became 'So it's OK for you to kill my son, but not OK for me to take Ecstasy?'
And I really lost sight of everything.
Obviously, me and my then girlfriend split up.
I then went into a spiral of decline. Not noticeable. I did my job well. But only through daily use of Amphetamine.
Soon, there was only one day a week (Sundays), when I WASN'T putting recreational drugs into my system.
They say admitting you are an addict is the first step to recovery.
That's crap. I knew I was and didn't care.
I had given up all hope of anything meaningful in my life.
I'd be lying if I said I don't have happy memories from that period- I do, many.
One of them being the 2002 World Cup.
And some of the great people I met during that time in my life.
Some were fair weather friends who scuttled off when it all came crashing down.
But the amount of people who stood be me through all that, and the hell that resulted, is something today, I still give thanks for.
Because I got through it all. It wasn't easy. Looking back on at all, I can't believe how stupid I was, how arrogant I was, how self centred I was.
But do you know, I regret none of it.
It taught me lessons I'd never have learned otherwise.
Firstly, life isn't fair. It's consoling to think it is, that good people are rewarded and bad people get what's coming to them, but it doesn't happen like that. Genghis Khan died in his bed.
The fact is bad things happen to good people as much as to bad people, and good things happen to bad people likewise.
I think it IS true, that there is Karma in things. I do think what goes around comes around, but that doesn't always mean it's FAIR.
I don't think I deserved the things that happened to me to happen to me, but I do think I am BETTER for them happening to me, if that makes any sense.
Secondly, self pity and introspection are no use. Every second you waste wallowing in self pity and blaming others around you for the mess you are in, is a second wasted from doing something constructive about it.
Whatever has happened to you, the fact remains this is the only life you are going to have, and it is too precious to waste. Ultimately, whatever has happened to you, only YOU can move on.
Even when you know you have been hard done by, you HAVE to dust yourself down and stand up to face the world, looking it in the eye.
Even when you feel you have no strength left in you.
Look inside yourself, it's there.
Thirdly, you are what you choose to be. People smell fear, like dogs. The weak will go to the wall. It's you who chooses to be weak, it is you who chooses to fear.
If you stop caring about being able to look YOURSELF in the eye in the mirror, you've lost the game.
Sometimes, there are more important things than avoiding pain.
There's keeping your integrity intact.
When your integrity is all you have left, to throw it away, is to allow yourself to be broken.
Fourthly, you will always make mistakes. You will never be perfect.
Because you are not all knowing, you are not all wise and you certainly don't see the whole picture, just the one you see from your own eyes. It's distorted.
It's subjective.
It's a system of nerve impulses designed to stay alive.
You will always make stupid decisions.
Hopefully, you will make less of them as time goes on, but you will still make them.
Fifthly, learn to be at peace with yourself. Now this is the hardest. Because to be at peace with yourself, you have to be able to look at your mistakes and understand them. And really try. Try everyday in everything you do. Be honest about the person you are.
OK, you are never going to buy the Big Issue from the homeless guy, but at least have the decency to feel bad about it.
Look at the suffering that goes on in the world, stop justifying it and be candid enough to admit that you do nothing, because it's easier not to.
But at least be with them in spirit.
And Lastly, most importantly of all.
ALWAYS forgive.
NEVER forget.
I'm a person 100% at peace with who I am.
That doesn't make me perfect, it doesn't make me a shining example of humanity.
I'm still a flesh and blood human being, with hopes and dreams, with strengths and failings.
There is so much I still want from life.
But I know now, I'm on the right road.
And I've never been happier.
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22 comments:
Kiss for you from me. Lifes a bit shit sometimes isn't it?
My crazy tumbling life has become considerably easier since I adopted this thought. It is not about becoming a better person, it is about becoming better at being who you are. (which seems to be a little like what you are saying)
Stunningly honest post, Ingsoc.
It is always a revelation to one's self when you can look back and reaslise how you have changed throughout life.
Crushed,
We are all who we are and we can either be happy with ourselves or not. If we are happy with ourselves, then we can do things to enhance others. If we are unhappy with ourselves, then we must work tooth and nail to make ourselves into who we want to be.
Btw, you have been tageed. See my blog for details.
Great post, Crushed. Abortion may be easy administratively in the UK, but that does not mean it is "easy" for the women involved [or the men, I grant you but the women are the primary sufferes here.] Thank you for being so honest about your use of recreational drugs here. I think that will help a lot of people. I don't know about forgiving and forgetting - both are hard but I agree that you need to do at least the former to achieve any kind of freedom. I am glad you are happy now. Here am I waffling on , when Mutley has said it all in 2 sentences!
I was going to say: blind alleys? I'm SO expert at getting lost down THEM!
How on earth did you manage the Sundays? Weren't they torture?
Or were you so knackered from Saturdays you just slept all day???
Powerful words, especially coming from someone who has been as low as you apparently have felt and been at times. I'm glad you have been able to get meaning from those experiences.
I like how you free verse and put your life into small tidbits but pack such a punch.
It's true I think what you say, we all get there in the end.
I'm 33 in two days and I think I am finally leaving a LOT of previous character traits behind.
I admire you because you write them down so honestly.
p.s sorry I asked you if you were high on my last post - it's a bad taste question that a lot of us over here do when somebody says something they don't agree with. No offence to you meant ok!!
Mutley- It can be, though I went out of my way to make it so.
I think it's only when you actually look around you and count your blessings, that you get perspective.
Paul- I agree. One thing that helped me get back on my feet was realising just how lucky I was being me, that that in itself was a huge bit of luck, but being comfortable thinking that not in an arrogant way, but in an acknowledgement that I did have huge advantages others didn't.
Oestrebunny- At the time my priest always said my road forward would be forgiving. That I wouldn't be at peace till I forgive. I used to say to him 'God may forgive, I won't'.
But he was right. It took me a long time to realise that.
Hate is nasty, it breeds hate.
Alexys- You have summed it up. I was never really happy with myself bacxk then. I guess because I had never tested myself. I was always afraid of finding out who I was.
I do know that now, and I 've learned to like that person, they're not so bad after all.
Still indecisive sometimes, but not so bad after all.
Welshcakes- It isn't particulrly stuff I really wanted to talk about, but my hand was kind of forced into posting on this.
Forgiving isn't easy, but it is also so important.
Two wrongs never make a right and it's just a waste of human energy.
It's about looking forward, not back.
Right now, I have so many reasons to look forward.
Betty- Well, I'm still late twenties, but I'm glad to kiss goodbye to a lot of the crap.
you can have balance and I think I do right now.
I still like to party, but I'm just not a complete tit about it.
No offence taken- Hey, you don't need to treat me with kid gloves!
I'd say you certainly have made some errors along your path Crushed but if you have learned something from them that's all to the good and don't repeat those particular ones. I'm afraid there will be many more along the way for that's what living is all about.
For me it's always been striving to be a better person and live the best life I could in the circumstances I have found myself. Some have been of my doing others just happened.
I think five lessons you have written here are excellent.
As to the last, yes ALWAYS forgive, and NEVER forget the lessons you've learned but do try to forget what you had to forgive.
I'm a person 100% at peace with who I am.
Then you are indeed fortunate for even after all these years I cannot say that of myself. But I keep trying to achieve it. It's a conundrum: to strive to be better and to be at peace with who you are.
My crap is what made me who I am, so I am overly protective of it.
Bad choices, stupid decisions, are the result of lack of life experience and living in the moment. As I grow older I think more, have grasped some insight and make much better life choices. I truly thank the bad choices I have made to help make the good ones. Experience and wisdom learnt the hard way are the best lessons, and to quote grandma scribble.."life has to have bad bits, its so we can recognise the good bits when they happen.
great post . . .
By the way there is a six legged woman in the picture at the top of your post. I think she is a bit frightening!!
Love the honesty, seriously. Although I wouldn't categorize self-pity with introspection. The one is destructive, the other constructive. But I'm respecting you again, for your ideals and your experience.
This is what I look like!!
FINALLY! I'VE AN "AVATAR"... AND CAN OFFICIALLY CONFIRM... THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE!!
Wow... this may be your best post, CBI (saving it; lots of good lessons in it... this is what 'testimonies' are; that your experiences not only help you, but others too, when you share them). I'm very happy you're happy...
One thing my mom told me, though; that if you don't forget, you haven't really forgiven. But then if you do forget, the lesson is lost. Guess the compromise is to remember the lesson, but forget the other ppl who played their parts in the scene, so we don't hold a grudge against them....
jmb- I have no doubt there will be plenty more pitfalls on the way. One will have faults, but when one knows what they are, one can at least plan on the basis that they exist and be ready to take action when they do.
Case in point, I never bother checking the post, I just look at it and bin it most o the time.
Likewise I don't really check my bank statements.
Which was why I noticed an official looking letter in the mail recently reminding me I'd forgotten to pay the council tax- I'd never set up the direct debit.
I'm comfortable in myself, because I HAVE really had to learn who I REALLY was- and now I know, it's a great thing to know.
Full of failings, completely irresponsible in some ways, but going to Heaven eventually, I think.
After a LONG LONG time in Purgatory.
Scribble- I agree. I remember saying to someone recently that I didn't regret any of the crap that happened to me. If it hadn't happened, yeah, I probably would be a lot more wealthy now, even maybe a prospective MP (I'm not kidding here, btw), but I'd probably have been a total w**ker.
Oceanshaman- Really? It's actually one I never wanted to write.
I try to look to the future, the past... is past.
Mutley- It's an illustration from Dante's Purgatorio.
It's me getting all heavy handed on the redemption imagery.
Eve- It's important to remember- otherwise you have learned nothing.
You can't protect yourself from future harm.
You have to retain the evidence that this person could harm you again, whilst not deciding to harm them back.
That's the point.
Princess P, Helen, Gledwood,apologies both for missing your comments, it's this moderation thing- gmail is shite for picking them up.
Princess P- You just have to remember the good things. even if you don't have them that moment, one day you will.
In a way, it's made me much more life-affirming
But also more aware of how life works, especially for others, something I never noticed too much at one time.
Helen- Sure, it helps to look into your behaviour and understand why you do things.
In a sense many of my ideals come from experience- time was I had less ideals.
Gledwood- I had this sneaking suspicion that you looked a bit like that.
Watch out for Mutley!
I loved this post, so honest, so true for all of us. So glad you have come out so strong after all that happened. Absolutely brilliant, you are no longer Crushed.
Ah... So glad I stumbled across this today.
Thank you for your honesty. There is much truth in your words.
Hey you have a good outlook on life from what I can tell. I think the whole abortion thing was something that scarred you for sure. It was her decision and I applaud the fact that you saw it that way too. I like to think Karma is out there too. I will actually give the homeless guy a dollar to remind me of how good my life really is. I also like to carry clean socks in the car and give them to the folks as well. They wear those shoes 24/7 and most of them have trench foot. I also being a road nurse carry a bath basin with soap and water at the ready . If they will let me I will wash those poor tired aching feet before putting the socks on them. But then some of them are crazy and will not let me do that.I like ot think it buffs up my auroa so to speak. Keeps my chi in line don't cha know!
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