Wednesday 13 February 2008

Female Friends

I guess people really are what's important to me.
People are my life strategy, as others use their careers as a life strategy.

Mine is to live off my relationships with other people. My personal relationships with other people are the main thing in life I care about. It means a focus on BOTH quality AND quantity.

I want a small circle of people I can trust, and a larger circle that I at least can have influence over to protect my interests.
That, put simply, is my life strategy. And it works.

It means, put bluntly, trusting a tiny number of people and splitting your trust between them. It means getting a much wider circle to trust you implicitly, whereas you guard yourself against them.

They can trust you, you won't in fact let them down. They are right to trust you. But you don't know whether the reverse is true, so let them prove themselves.
And if they do show they pass the test- and the fact of life, most will never face such a test, you will let them in.

It really takes a lot of proof for me to add you to the small circle of trusted people. That list doesn't contain a single member of my family, so admittance is rare.

With blokes, it's simple enough. Generally I'll trust you if I'm comfortable that either there's been a tacit acceptance of a position of dominance on my part, or that I sincerely believe that I can trust you to always tell me the truth and always put yourself out if need be in my best interests, without my having to cajole.

My closest friends are in the second category.
Generally speaking, as a rule, I clash with other strong male personalities. We may appear friendly enough, but we will always be playing oneupmanship.

I often say, and it's true, if brutal; 'I am actually a nice person- but only because I can afford to be.' I can get through life being nice, so I do.

Female friends are different to male friends. In some ways, they are as important to me. I value my female friends.
Here the test is different. Here, I'm looking for different qualities. I want to know whether or not you can have my best interests at heart without there being anything sexual between us.

Until I'm sure of that, I daren't let you in.
If I'm assured of that, I can trust you.

It's interesting that most of my close female friendships have begun the same way. Generally, they are females who have rejected my sexual advances.
Doing so, has only heightened the game for me, till I have seen the greater prize at stake, then really pushed their resistance, till I'm satisfied I can trust them. They can't betray my trust, because the friendship can't be ruined by sex. Therefore, it's safe.

More importantly, they aren't going to have a problem with you're having other female friends.
I cannnot explain how valuable to me having several close female friends is. Half of the population are female- it's good to get balanced female perspective on things.

I seem to be lucky of late, having come across two women I can honestly say I allow in to that category. One has already been posted on, and I haven't met her, or actually ever spoken to her, but she means a lot to me all the same, the other is a work colleague.

Do you know why?
I've flirted with her for months. But I knew I could trust her after this conversation;

Crushed: You know I love you, don't you Dizzie?
Dizzy: No Crushed, I know you don't.
Crushed: How do you know? I COULD be being serious...
Dizzy: No, because then you wouldn't say it. I can tell that much about you. If it ever really did hit you, you'd pretend it didn't.

Hmmm. Insight. That's good, because even I never quite twigged that. I think I've often convinced myself it was Love, when it can't really have been. So many people tell me I've never actually been in love. Maybe they're right.

Crushed: You're good. It passes the time, though doesn't it?

She looked round at the others in the office.

Dizzy: THEY don't know that though, do they?
Crushed : That's why I do it. It amuses me and it keeps them talking, keeps their eye off the ball. It's a kind of diversion tactic, keeps me out of office politics. I always like to keep someone in the office as a focus for my need to flirt.
Dizzy: I know that, Crushed. I've always known it.

And since then, we've been way more than cool. In fact I've been on the warpath on her behalf- I wasn't happy about the way she got spoken to last week in front of the rest of the office, so I went and had it out with the Director responsible.

I get very protective about those I consider my friends.

Talking to her since at the pub, has been amazing. It's a type of female friend I've always wanted. Dizzy, but gets me. Older, in a big sister kind of way.
Understands that really, I DO need looking after, and when I ask for advice from her, I mean it.

On Monday when I came in, she said something really sweet.
Dizzy: You're not like the rest of them, are you?
Crushed: In what way?
Dizzy: You're not just a follower.
Crushed: No. You know that anyway. Why?
Dizzy: I'll talk to you later.

It's nice to have that.
I trust her. It's good to have women in your life you can trust that way.

That's worth WAY more than sex.
I'd choose that sort of friendship over sex any day.

So, to Female Friends, from Crushed;

Happy Valentine's Day.


Anonymous said...

Here the test is different. Here, I'm looking for different qualities. I want to know whether or not you can have my best interests at heart without there being anything sexual between us.

Why should wanting to be your friend mean that they also want to sleep with you?

It's interesting that most of my close female friendships have begun the same way. Generally, they are females who have rejected my sexual advances.
Doing so, has only heightened the game for me, till I have seen the greater prize at stak, then really pushed their resistance, till I'm satisfied I can trust them. They can't betray my trust, because the friendship can't be ruined by sex. Therefore, it's safe.

Do you not think that if they discovered you were 'testing' them, they might get a bit pissed off? You can only take things so far. It sounds like you want them to fail.

Anonymous said...

Because, if you approach women the same way you approach men, they assume sexual interest. Most men have a hang up being as direct with women as they are men, so if you are, they assume sexual interest.

It's a minefield.

OK, I'm protecting myself against falling in love. Isn't that wise?

Anonymous said...

Crushed, you can't protect yourself against falling in love - that's why it's called "falling"!!

Anonymous said...

I don't really suspect there is much reason to 'test' them at all. It isn't fair to judge her worth in a situation that you have entirely manipulated.

Anonymous said...

I think it's a shame that you have closed your circle of trusted friends at your young age Crushed. I think everyone has to be judged as being worthy of true friendship but I am sure there are people out there you have not yet met who will prove worthy.

Friendship between men and women came up at my book club the other night. Whether it was actually possible to have true friendship between men and women. Although we are all married, some of us do have male friends but they are certainly not as close as our female friends. We do not share our true feelings in the same way. Yet there is always a slight frisson in a friendship between a male and a female but there is a line that must not be crossed.

The best friendship I ever had with a male was with a gay friend who was as close as my female friends since it could never be sexual. Also he was ten years younger so that made an additional barrier even if he had not been gay. Sadly he moved to another country.

You have a funny way of vetting your female friends but if it works for you both who is to say it's wrong.

Happy Valentine's Day Crushed. Celebrate the idea of love, it will come when you least expect it.

Anonymous said...

And to you Mr Ingsoc -thanks for the cards and the flowers... I had never believed that sex between us would ruin our friendship by the way...

Anonymous said...

Welshcakes- You can, if you are systematic and avoid putting yourself in such a situation.

Oestrebunny- They have never been deliberate situations, it's just they seem to be worth far more and more rewarding when they don't develop in a sexual way, than when they do.
Sex spoils things.

I met D by continuously trying it on with her- then we opened up to eachother, and it moved away from that- we became much closer friends than we could ever have been if something had happened in that way.

Close friends are very valuable- priceless.

jmb- One of my close RL friends is Lesbian-

It's not a vetting procedure, it's just I seem to only be able to trust women who I know will never exploit my weaknesses.

Mutley- ah yes, but that was something very special...

Anonymous said...

*nods* I like this post. I'm glad you have Dizzy *although in her place, especially with your reputation, I really do think any reasonable person would make the same replies to that 'I love you' statement, with a wry smile thrown into the bargain ;-)*

Anonymous said...

Can a close and personal relationship with a woman ever be platonic ? And by that I mean that you can share the most intimate feelings and not fall in love and ... snog ? (Snogging is even more intimate than mere sex in my view)

Nope. I don't think so.

You can do this intimacy thing with your mates and love developes in a brotherly sort of way. With a woman it is very different as there is always the risk ... in fact the inevitability ...

Does that risk excite you Ingsoc ? I think it does and that's what keeps you going.

Flitting and flirting is in your nature and is an endearing quality of yours, but you're going to have a very hard time of it as I don't think any one woman will ever satisfy you. I expect you've broken some hearts in your time despite your claims that you never wanted to. I expect that you've hurt yourself too.

You're the sort of chap that many a lass will fantasise about long after they've married someone else. You'll always find some excuse not to settle down and women will say "Oh poor Ingsoc."

Women can be infuriatingly stupid creatures can't they ?

Anonymous said...

Generally, they are females who have rejected my sexual advances.
Doing so, has only heightened the game for me, till I have seen the greater prize at stak, then really pushed their resistance, till I'm satisfied I can trust them.

How is that not a deliberate situation?

Anonymous said...

Eve- Her actual words were on your lines, but i edited it. For your benefit, here's the full version, because it's basically what you just said.

'I know you don't. Not in any kind of special way, as in you love EVERYBODY. It's what you do. You believe in this free love, love the world thing. Love men and women, but you love the women a little more. So when you say 'I love you', it's not flattering OR special, it's just the crap you speak.'

Which is bang on, really.

And everyone knows it. But really, I'm glad they do. Makes my life easier.

E-K- Yes, they can. I'm close to D, she's carrying the Baker's child, I'm close to Lise, she's lesbian.

Don't get me wrong. If Dizzy was available (and not in love with her man), I'probably would get sidetracked by thoughts of sex, but fortunately, that's not an option, so at's all cool, really.

Same way you can have a platonic relationship with a female blogger- it's safe. You can't really develop sexual feelings for someone you've never met.

Hmm, you may be right about the second point.
Basically, there's just no compelling NEED at present, for me to settle down. Life's pretty good without it. That doesn't mean I don't like a bit of loving from time to time, but I don't want it to include trips to IKEA at this point.

Will I ever? I seriously doubt that.

You know what it is, I DO understand why the Fatal Attraction shite I sem to endure.

Any women who gets to know me, will probaly be judging on reputation first- so, initially, it's the attraction to the Dorian Gray image.

Then comes the realisition that in fact I actually have quite a strict code of personal ethics, in my effete, decadent way.

And that I;m actually a lot less shallow than they thought. That's the stage when They start to hear my political/philosophical views- you know the whole Othello thing.

Then they think that all I need to turn me into a huge success in life is the love of a good woman...

And this, sadly is a complete delusion, but they continually blame the failure of their master plan on me.

Except the few who seem who seem to have moved on from that. With my first love we actually got to talking again many years later, and realised that we still loved eachother, but had moved in.

Yes, she almost certainly often thinks 'Oh, Poor Ingsoc'. That in intself, is one of those things in life, that cheers me from time to time.

Anonymous said...

Oestrebunny- Ok, I'm sorry, I missed that comment, I have published it now:)

It isn't deliberate, because hardly any thought really goes into it, just the game starts to alter.

Any woman who can see that she deserves a hell of a lot better than me, is certainly a friend worth having :)

Anonymous said...

A game.

Calling it a game implies some level of calculation and strategy, of premeditation

And if it isn't deliberate, then why not stop when you see what's happening? Do you really need to push a woman to the limit of her resistance for her to prove herself worthy of your friendship?

People are not pawns. You can't sacrifice them for your own benefit. Life isn't a game and it has consequences.

Anonymous said...

A game. I suppose that does happen sometimes, I can think of a few occasions where I have been conscious of a definite game, but that's usually been quite open.

I'm a lot more conscious of it now and do attempt to close these things down before they get out of hand.

Any woman who falls for me, is, it has to be said, making a big mistake. Even if I was to fall for her, I wouldn't make her happy long term. I'm just not good at all that stuff. Which is why I need to make sure I avoid that happening.

What it means, as with a work situation, a situation has to be rejected, due to the fact that long term, it poses too big a risk.

It comes back to not wanting people having power over you.
That's basically the dominating factor in my life.

When I do fall for people, it actually scares me and I keep trying to snap myself out of it.

Anonymous said...

we all need people we can relay on and trust, someone to tell us the obvious when we are to afraid to see it.. and it seems like you have.

Congrats mate. But be careful testing ppl - as you said, this is it, life aint no reharsel...

Happy v'day to you too.