Friday 25 July 2008

The Insoluable Problem

Let's face it, you don't really know what to do.
It kind of seems to fit one kind of plan, but not what you had planned, and it doesn't quite make sense.

And you don't quite know how to handle it.

Slightly off the radar.

But you're going to go have a shave, Style your hair, emphasise those kiss curls, moisturise, get on the train to Coventry, Bel will pick you up from the station, you'll go back to CS's, ask Mrs CS loads of questions about Angela, have a smoke with CS, go to the pub, CS will witter on about saving the canals, you'll look lovingly into Bel's eyes, and ask caring questions about how she's handling life. It will distract you.

Not Bel you're thinking of. But by syphoning off a fair bit of your emotions into pretending to see Bel as a viable option, whilst having sordid thoughts about Mrs CS's hot black friends, you will distract yourself, albeit temporarily, from the woman you're actually thinking about.

You may fool yourself for the weekend.

Except you know what the first thing you'll do when you get home is.

And that's the problem.

You like the you you will be tonight. That's you. That's how you see yourself. That's the you like being, the you you have always been.
A you you enjoy being.

A you people know you as.
It's you.

It's quite cool being different in a fascinating way. Being a prima donna. Being a laconic yet excitable Dorian Gray figure who can flit from one woman to another, never really investing much time or emotions yet somehow getting what they want out of life.

It's good. Hard to maintain, but worth the effort.
People look after you, they look out for you.

Life's good to you on the whole.
You got it sussed, a good way to live.

You put a lot in, you get a lot out, both in sheer intensity of experience, but in the huge disparity in the heights of thrill and the lows of suffering you put yourself through in your sheer desire to seize life and experience to the full.

But now you're pretty fucking scared, really.

Because you can try whichever of your clever strategic self conditioning plans to direct yourself to a sliproad towards hardening yourself and putting yourself through the equivalent of an emotional rubber band being twanged in your face, and you can live indefinitely on this emotional line.

But you think you can do that. Just hang there and ride that emotional line. That line's pretty cool really. Seems to be motivating me back in to a good frame of mind, so that's all well and good.

You'll probably be at your best tonight, you will steal the show again tonight. And that, to you, is when you're happiest.

Stealing the show.
You live for that really.

You want to die the rebel without a cause, but be able to come back for your own funeral.

That's you.

And it's hard life to live, when that really is how you feel, but that's what attracts people to you, you live on that ambiance you create. But that's you, and its what either fascinates people by you, or downright repulses them, either way it tends to shock them, but that really is you, and your life consists entirely of that buzz.

You told her, she knows.
And she makes no comment.

And that really is best.
There are some things in life best just left as they are.

Because if she said more than that, whatever it was, YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT.
You would not be able to deal with anything more than 'I know'.

You like telling her. You like it she says nothing at all back.
It just makes life easier.

Because it means you can carry on living in your dream world, but never have to worry about the dream coming true.

You fear the dream coming true as much as you fear having your dreams shattered.

The dream appears to be enough.

All resemblances in this story to persons living or dead are purely co-incidental.


Anonymous said...

That's the problem with happily every after. No one's really sure what ever after is.

And as they say the desire to have is usually sweeter than the actual possession.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if others all have this definite image that you think you project. Most of us are not so sure how we come across.

Anonymous said...

ah bittersweet life.

still, could have been is better than never could have been at all...

Anonymous said...

Hmmm..... I know this scenario so well, although i've never lived it. I guess the key, for the girl, is never to push for commitment; I never do - if the guy wants it, let him offer, but can't rush 'em :-) If you love them, you have to be content to live by their terms, if you want to stay, I guess... :-)

Anonymous said...

Have a coffee and go to bed.

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm... it does leave you wondering where the real Crushed lies, doesn't it? Is it the one you describe, the one we see here, a combination, or something else all together?

Anonymous said...

I think this post was good but JMB makes a good point - do most of us even know the image we are projecting? after all, we can't read other's thoughts and 90% of what they must assume about us generally goes unsaid.

Anyway, it was a good post. Made me think.

Anonymous said...

Will the real Crushed please stand up. PP I guess it will be the combination option, plus some extra that is “none of the above” A balance that changes back and forth, depending…

Is this reflecting a bittersweet pining for something can never fully be, that is forever just out of reach. Like you were either side of the old Berlin wall…

Anonymous said...

X-dell- Of course, it allows yourself to kid yourself it would work. :)

jmb- People tell me, pretty much. Or I hear on the grapevine things that have been said. I have a kind of reputation for being a bit devil may care.

Crashie- I suppose we all need our swet delusions. We all need to believe in something.

Thiese thingsd only let us down if we expect too much.

Eve- Well, I'm pretty much a commitment phobe in reality. Its something I find hard to deal with, in fact generally I'm pretty wary about people trying to get close to me, period.
I'm pretty much impossible to have the kind of relationship most women aspire to, because I just get so uncomfortable with the whole being in a couple thing. Especially when it starts to affect other areas of your life you've clearly marked as no go areas.

Mutley- Some would say I drink too much coffee :)

Princess P- I think everyone has at least three layers. And I'm actually quite simple, I really only have three.
We each have an inner us that we protect from the world- the one that has weaknesses.

Then we have an operating system- how we handle the world.

Then we have a persona- the cover we put over the naked workings.

Now, I've always been of the opinion that genuinely likeable people are so, because they come across as genuine. In other words, the outside ressembles the inside.
Now thats either because there is no operating system in between OR, because their outer persona has been chosen to reflect their inner self.

In other words, I am pretty much as I come across face to face. Except that covers a lot. I'm fairly open and direct, but I also copme across as 'childlike'. In all senses of the word. I look like I stopped growing at sixteen, apart from my stubble, and I have a tendancy to talk like a child, especially if I want something. I've played on those qualities all my life. Someone once called it a catamite act (in other words, my basic MO is that of a male prostitute).

Reality is, deep inside I'm actually quite a fragile person, with a tendancy to distrust at a close level. And although I'm never PHYSICALLY intimidated, I do get unnerved by people getting closer than I want them. But I manage to hide all that quite well.

And of course the operating system that lies in between?
Pretty cynical, ruthless even, prepared to suppress any personal sentiment if necessary.

Kate- No, I guess we don't. But we do get feedback. Besides, I think one can tell generally, anyway.

But my friends give me enough feedback on the negatives :)

Moggs- Pretty Much, yes :)

The politest way I've heard it described is 'artistic temperament', but since I have no artistic talent whatsoever, God knows what that means.

I think I'm pretty simple. :)

I guess it is, yes. :)

Anonymous said...

Sparsley Kate is wrong. One person can read another's thoughts.

Ironically, that's the reason for this post....

it's just that some don't subconsciously understand how it is being done. That's all.

The problem isn't because SOMEBODY isn't talking Crushed.

The problem is in all of those who FORCE people to be silent to try to manipulate and control the masses.

You know this is the truth. You know it is.

And you also know I'm a good person and knew nothing about this bullshit with the celebrity until it all went down.

You know. You know.

And UNTIL I'm told the TRUTH, all any of you are going to get, from me anymore, is SILENCE.


I'm homeless again. Are you happy now?

Oh yes, I know. I'm supposed to accept responsibility for my own actions. I'm supposed to let go of loving who I want and love myself, correct?

Meanwhile your sidebar links have been full of pictures of explosions (of things blowing up) off and on for a while now.

So was this a warning...or mind control?

I'll suppose I'll never know. After all, at least one of the men at my job was involved to- and I know that for a fact now.

So what do you expect? For me to stay employed there when I don't know who to fucking trust anymore? To worry that someone, who is constantly smiling to my face, is going to fucking off me?


And who in the hell am I supposed to connect to now?

I don't know who to trust anymore.

Who gives a fuck how positive someone is if they lie and manipulate people to create luck for themselves?

Everyone involved knows that I would let the celebrity go (in a heartbeat) if I knew for a fact the things you have done to me haven't been done to her.

And so I don't let go because I have fucking integrity.

Yes, who would have thought it? I tell the truth and can't be manipulated by anyone else...because I see right through all of the bullshit.

It's unfortunate I'm one of the very few who can see this though.

It's very very sad indeed.

I'll be sleeping in a car, within the next few days, and yet I'm richer then all of you motherfuckers.

Have a good life.

Create your Mary paradox with someone else Crushed, it never worked with me.

I'll continue to love and want who I want to love and want.

And nobody else will ever try to control me or tell me otherwise.

The celebrity is the only person who ever had the right to tell me otherwise.

And I already know the image thing is bullshit too. Yeah, I've figured that out. You set her up with other people to make me think she doesn't think that way.

But it's all bullshit and lies. And I see right through all of it.

Yes I do. And I'm not stupid enough to think this person wants me anymore.

But I'm also intelligent enough to realize why she PRETENDS SHE CAN'T.

That's all. Have a good life.

Anonymous said...

Shelly- I can't pretend to have followed the ins and outs of this story, which has clearly had a profound- and unhappy- effect on you.

I never knew who the 'celebrity' you referred to was, though perhaps others did.

I'm sure you are a good person, certainly that was the impression I got.

I can't comment on a history I know nothing about, or a situation I know nothing of.

I'm confused by the explosions in the sidebar...

I'm pleased the Mary paradox stuck in your mind.
Because I suppose in some ways, this post does relate to that.

But as for the rest, I think the best I can do is to paraphrase Othelo 'Love wisely, not too much.'

Good luck, I hope things work themselves out for you.

Anonymous said...

You know Crushed. You know. It's just you can't say you know because they will do the same thing to you that they have done to me.

(like send you back to prison, am I right? Or setting you up for something you didn't do?) Please go ahead and say it isnt' true. Lie to me darling. Lie like all of the others.

Your sitemeter code is linked to other blogs like "".

Maybe you intended it to be that way...or not (as everyone knows anyone can share stat sign ons with multiple blogs).

However, someone put the trojan on my computer to link my blogs to other blogs (in a database) for a reason.

And I never gave permission to anyone to do that or to use my sitemeter page for anything else.

It was done for a reason...

to cause "synchronicity" between the blogs.

I didn't know it was happening when it was done to me. It was done WITHOUT MY CONSENT...

for a reason. And then when I told the truth everyone told everyone else I was crazy FOR A REASON.

However, I'm not. I'm just someone who worked 80 hours a week and my computer was used because I was too busy to see what was happening at the time.

By the way, there is nothing wrong with "loving too much".

And perhaps once you learn that, you'll find the Mary you truly desire.

Well, my Mary was taken away before I even had the chance to say hello.

And then the people surrounding this person claimed I stalked this person when I did not. I obsessively clicked on "links" on my computer because I didn't know what was happening and I wanted to warn this person.

That's the complete truth. Unfortunately, some of those links "brought up" false links linking back to other pages to cause synchronicity once again.

I already know all of my faults. I have a tendency not to forgive, I'm obsessive, and vindictive once I've been fucked with.

However, I'm not a coward.

Cowards are people who "gang up" on one person...sort of like what happened to me with my blog.

Multiple people came on my blog and started shit, just to get me to shut my blog down, because they felt I wasn't significant as a human being.

(Sort of like a discardable piece of shit. But nobody has the right to choose who is worthy and who is not in this world, but it was done to me all the same by people who are playing God.)

That's the truth, in a nutshell.

They knew the celebrity- even before I started blogging here.

It was all set up from the getgo to make me "fair game" because I pissed a forum administrator off on another forum I used to be a member of.

That's the truth. I'm not going to say I did nothing wrong. I did do things wrong. I shouldn't have "falsely assumed" things before getting substantial facts. However, the crap I uncovered nobody would believe anyway. That's why they are getting away with what they are doing to people...because nobody has the balls to fight back.

And when they do fight back, they are destroyed for not conforming.

However, I also have figured out why it was done now...

and why I was, and am still, continuing to be used.

But that, in itself, is another story.

But I will figure it out.

Yes I will. I will be back.

You can all count on that.

Anonymous said...

Shelly, well naturally, being set up for something I didn't do is an obvious worry, as you can imagine.

But I guard against it as best I can.

I can't comment on the technical issues here, I'm an IT moron.

I hope you find answers, but I really don't know where to suggest you look.

I agree with you on Mary. I won't say more on that because it's kind of private.

I do think you have suffered and I wish you well in finding answers and if I can help in any way, am more than happy to do so.

Anonymous said...

Why do I feel like crying? What have I ever done to deserve any of this?

Anonymous said...

Shelly, I sometimes think you don't actually have to do anything. It's not necesarily a case of deserving bad stuff.

Bad stuff happens if you deserve it or not sometimes and you don't deserve it anymore than 100 other people who don't get it.

All you can do is try to handle it and sometimes have a good cry, some chocolate and maybe some good wine, though not actually with the wine...

Anonymous said...

Not be able to deal with things, CBI? It's how we are, matey, how we are. Nothing after, nothing befoe. There was nothing. This moment is all.