Waking Up Without Her

I just woke up with the hangover from hell.

But I woke up to another strange realisation.

She is the first thing I think about every morning.
I am aware of her existence the instant consciousness returns.

She is the first thing that enters my head.

I don't usually think about it, not really. I've got used to the fact that she is the first thing I think about and I don't think about the fact it is so.

It's hard to explain. She has an aura. I feel her presence and sometimes I feel her absence. Most of the time I kind of feel she's with me in some sense, though I'm sure she doesn't really know that and I'm sure most of the time I'm very far from her thoughts.

I suppose I don't really think about it weekdays because I just see it as part of the brain kicking in to gear, preparing for the avalanche of activity that kicks off the moment one forces oneself to put feet on solid earth; bathroom, dress, fag, cup of tea, e-mail her, shave, do hair, leave flat.

I suppose I do miss her when I don't hear from her, but the gaps are never so long that I really notice how much I miss her when I don't hear from her.

But this morning it was a clear sense.
I woke up and the first thing I wanted to do was draw her close to me.
I woke up aware of her, aware of the fact she exists, as I do every morning.

And aware of the fact she isn't actually there.

And as I sat out on the step with my cup of tea smoking, I realised that this isn't the same as waking up alone.
If I woke up with someone else there, it wouldn't change anything.

I'd still be waking up and she still wouldn't be there.

Because it isn't waking up and being alone that is the thing. It's waking up and her not being there.

It's wanting to reach out for her, wanting to hold her close, wanting to feel her breath against your neck as you stroke the skin on her back.

It's wanting to wake up and know she's there.

It's not to do with sex, sex is the last thing on my mind this morning.

It's not to do with not wanting to be alone, either. As I say, had I woke up this morning and found I wasn't waking up alone, yes, there would be someone to hold close, I'd feel their breath on my neck, I'd stroke their back and kiss their shoulders and be glad that SOMEONE was there.

But it still wouldn't be her. I'd still be lying there wishing it was her. I'd still be where I am now looking forward to the next time I heard from her.



I realise it doesn't matter who I wake up next to, she would still be the first thought that came into my head.
It's the first thing I want to know.

That she's Ok. That she's safe. That she's happy.

I want to feel her presence there when I wake.

And just hold her.

Just lie there and feel her with me, know that she's safe, know that I'm safe and feel that nothing else really matters.

Because it wouldn't.

No one could really be her substitute. Waking up and having someone there is better than waking up alone, but it doesn't mean waking up and her being there. It couldn't and it never could. If waking up alone is nought out of ten, and waking up next to her is ten out of ten, waking up to someone else is still only three out of ten.

I'd still miss her.

They say you can't miss what you never had.
They lie.

I miss her.

Every minute of every hour of every day.