Friday 12 September 2008

Eroticism and Love Making

It is a commonly held belief that watching pornography is a substitute for sex. That people do it to remind themselves what sex is, when they don't have access to any.

That the main reason that we see extensive footage of HER, but HIS face rarely enters the frame, is so the viewer- usually male, so the theory goes- can imagine it's himself.

Partly, maybe. But I don't entirely buy that view.

The reason I don't buy it, is because I admit myself to owing pornographic DVDs. And in fact, the frequent with which they get viewed is totally unrelated to the frequency with which I have sex. In fact, I'm more likely to watch them WITH someone else, than on my own.

Because there is, certainly for me, and I guess must be for many others too, a HUGE difference between the sex I like to watch because I find erotic and the sex I actually like to have.

For a start, the idea that I would actually be translating myself into the male role in ANY of the DVDs I own is highly unlikely. Unless I decide to pretend that I;
a. Am black.
b. Work out. A lot.
c. Possess a ten inch penis.

Clearly, none of the above is true. But it's erotic to watch. Especially if the girl is attractive. It's quite a turn on seeing a very attractive girl receiving obvious satisfaction in a way that still somehow seems taboo. For some reason, it really makes you want to have sex with her AFTERWARDS. Quite why, is hard to explain.

But the point is you wouldn't want to make love to her the way she's receiving it in the DVD. That's the point. What YOU'D like to give to her AFTER she's been satisfied this way, is something totally different.

Because yes, what he's doing is great to watch, but actually, you're thinking 'Fair play, mate, but rather you than me.'

Because actually, I don't actually like having sex like that. I don't like having fast and furious, rough and strenuous sex. Nor do I like a woman writhing and thrashing, screaming and moaning, with the only real physical contact being your grip and the mutual genital contact.

Which is why I don't really have a problem with the idea that if I really loved someone and they wanted sex this way, fine, I'd want them to have it. Just not with me, IF you don't mind.

It's a bit like football. Love watching the game. Watching being the operative word. I have utmost respect for the stamina, dedication and observation skills needed and how hard it is to consistently maintain that in front of thousands of people for ninety minutes.

I couldn't do it, and I don't want to. Even the idea of having mud splash on to my legs is kind of offputting to me. Let alone go tumbling down into the mud. But I'll bawl my little heart out on the terraces. Right little football nut me, at times.

The fact is the sex I actually enjoy would make tedious viewing. I wouldn't want to watch it any more than I'd want to watch myself, the Baker and D's kid brother having a kickaround in the park on Match of The Day.

But the fact is, I prefer to feel her legs wrapped round my back. I prefer her hands softly stroking my back, not gripping my arms, perhaps moving slowly to cup the back of my head as she softly kisses my lips, not pants like she's working out at the gym. Slow, tender, rhythmic moments, not fast vigorous thrusts. More of a country walk than a marathon run. So there's time to enjoy the details, to stroke her hair, to kiss her eyelids, to caress the ball of her shoulder.

You hear the intake of her breath, not animal grunts. And she doesn't scream your name, she whispers it in your ear.

I don't want to be rolled over onto my back and pinned down and have chunks bitten out of my neck. I don't like having sex with Rottweilers disguised as women. To me, it really DOES kill the moment when stuff like that happens.

Because after that sort of sex, I'm likely to leave the room and go and have a fag somewhere in peace. I actually don't care for it and I find it a little- unnerving. When I'm involved in it personally.

I prefer it to reach its conclusion, bodies pressed as close as they can conceivably BE pressed without actually melting into eachother, soft gasps of joy, a feeling of warm euphoria rather than ecstatic satiation, a feeling of true bodily union rather than a somatic set of physical convulsions.

And lie there afterwards in silence on her chest as she strokes my cheek.
And there isn't any need to say anything at all.

I like to keep the sex I like to watch and the sex I like to have as far apart as I possibly can.

Porn Stars do a great job, I really do applaud them for it. I couldn't do it and I actually wouldn't want to- they do a great job in having sex that is highly erotic to watch.

But I'd rather have my name whispered in tender intimacy than screamed in fast and furious passion.

Because it's actually NICER sex. And when you do reach the top of the hill, so to speak, it's a much more powerful sensation.

It's the better end of the deal.

Just not great viewing.


Anonymous said...

Pornography is a funny thing.

It's not something I own, or really something I have a great appreciation for. I find that it looks artificial and extremely fake. No one looks as if they're enjoying themselves. And I suppose in a way, they very likely are not. It's just another day at work after all.

I do find however that the porn I watch is very much reflective of the kind of sex I have - or at least want to be having.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm. I'm not sure where I stand on this (great reading on your views though, it's always interesting what "other" people do!)
I don't own porno's but I have a few books and stuff with naked women and stories etc. And the only time I'm really turned on by porn is when they are doing stuff that I would probably like to do.

I just read bunny's comments - maybe it is a girl thing?

Anonymous said...

well said. :-) ok, i'm convinced.
but as the girls said, it's probably different for girls :-)

Anonymous said...

there's some nice sentiment expressed in this post.

the last time i watched porn, i found myself distracted by the bad curtains and the way the woman's stilletto heels
(which she had kept on)
were digging into the leather couch.

that will leave a mark on the leather, i thought to myself.

oh yeah.
i was overcome with the eroticism of it all.

Anonymous said...

Bunny- There is a certain degree of artificiality about it, I agree. I guess I do prefer it when they've clearly just got ordinary college girls in, as opposed to hardened professionals. To be fair, I actually think some of the home made efforts on the internet ork better for just that reason.

I think the closest I ever got to seeing just how much a job it is to some people was when I was about 20. It was 3 AM and we were sitting, rather battered it has to be said, in the audience of a live sex show in the Dam. The act consisted of approximately ten 'acts' on a circuit, so if you sat there for over forty five minutes, you saw the same acts and the girls and guys re-appear.

Anyway, we were the last stragglers and this girl is on stage riding away and at the same time talking, in Dutch to the barstaff, maybe it was 'Are we closing in a minute?', I don't know. It made me laugh anyway.

Kate- I think it's a complex theme. I think certainly there are a lot of men these days who actually enoy the idea of watching their partners with other men- many more who fantasise about it than actually do it and I think a huge amount of porn now caters for this. I think perhaps it's part of the societal internal rebellion against monogamy.

A mate and I discuss it a lot- an the conclusion we come to is that society creates in men's heads the idea that their biggest fear should be the idea 'their' women is receiving sexual satisfaction somewhere in a way they wouldn't. I think porn often provides a way for men to come to terms with the idea, that what they thought would be their fear actually isn't, but in fact is something they could deal with and still love their partner.

I don't actually sexual jealousy is instinctive, I think it is culturally conditioned. I actually think that nothing makes us want to have sex with a woman, then seeing her have sex with someone else.

I suppose this inevitably begs the question of what type of porn Bunny watches. Prob not the same I watch, I'm guessing. If it is, my eyebrows are most certainly raised at this point.

Eve- As I say, there's a dichotomy between what I want to watch and what I want to do.
I lot of the stuff people do in these films, well, I wouldn't, as as simple as that. I'm not an olympic athelete.
Others seem more appropriate with total strangers than when it's genuine love making.

Bit I think its good to be broadminded about this. I do think we are going through a phasal shift in thinking on human sexuality. A mate of mine uses the euphemism 'researching the topic' for watching interracial porn and maybe that's not that far out.

Projectivisit- There's a certain Bel Air tack to a lot of them, isn't there? Largely, I guess because they're filmed in the homes of their directors. Have you seen Boogie Nights? I think it's still a bit like that.

I suppose perhaps we are looking at different ends of erotic. I guess we like to watch sex that reminds us we are animals but prefer to HAVE sex that reminds us we are people.

Anonymous said...

I have often wondered what nude women look like. Do you have any films with that in?