Wednesday 10 September 2008

Fool God


I’m in the place where old people go. Finally, I have found it.

I’m standing in some sort of lobby, in an area partitioned by red ropes. We’re pretty high up-the lift only brings special people to this floor. I guess I must have sneaked in somehow. I seem to see myself, a small, black haired little boy, standing right in the middle of the open space. There are officers all around.

On my left is a door, a red door. It is closed and guarded by sentries. Behind me is a green door. In front of me, beside the lift, a corridor leads to the other quarters. As soon as a new resident comes up in the lift, he or she is assigned to a room. I realize that they will stay here for the rest of their life.

A middle-aged man is ushered through the red door. And then a white-haired man is taken along the corridor. I see. The old ones go there. With a sense of complacency , I think, “Wow, I wonder what they’ll do with me..? Guess they don’t get people like me around.” I am fearless, because I know that they have no authority to touch me.

And then I see myself, white-haired, old and bent. And I realize I have grown old. I smile ironically before I watch myself being taken off along the corridor.


Thinking ...

It is multicoloured and transparent. In parts, it is worn thin. I am afraid that one day holes will break out in those parts, if I am not careful. Some parts are covered in irremovable dirt and grime. I try to ignore them. Others are stained with blood. I avert my eyes. I desperately search for a clean area. It is a difficult task because my soul is knotted and entangled in many places. I try to unravel the mess, to sort out the confusion, but I cannot find its starting point. It just goes on, a long, messed-up soul.

As I hold it, I notice spiders spinning their webs between the dark spaces. Silverfish burrow through the silky material leaving tiny punctures. And at the edges, which seem to have been dipped in honey, ants greedily eat away at the helpless substance. I want to drop it yet dare not.

I contemplate putting it back in my body but shrink from the thought. So dirty.......I can’t possibly live with a soul like that. There is a nagging deep in my heart. It says, “Look what you’ve done! I can’t help you now.”

I don’t know what to do. Perhaps I can live without a soul.... After all, I’ve heard of people selling their souls to the Devil. No matter what, I won’t accept it back into my life. I seem to be doing ok with it out of my body, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t get along just fine without it. I remember Dorian Gray-it worked for him....

Or perhaps I can steal someone else’s soul. I’m sure I would use it to better advantage. So many poor souls wasting their lives, I’d be giving them a chance at a bright future....

Yes, after all, nothing is impossible. And I have the will to survive.


Believing ...

Fool God

A fool loves unconditionally

So perhaps, fool is he

Who gave his life for me

Fool, to choose to die

For a sinner such as I

I’ll walk away, and He’ll have lost

Wasted, the price it cost

Spilt, like blood on the ground

Money, when it doesn’t count

But then again, fool am I

To look a gift horse in the eye

Yet we’re free men

We can choose to lose

To forget sorrows in booze

With pride, I’d take my own way

Ignore every question of salvation

I’d do it, no problem

But I want to be wise

To think twice, to choose life

So pride will have to go

As I humble myself before his throne

And nevermore will I walk alone

- copyright 2001 -

It's like putting on dirty clothes.... imagine having to live each day with that same mucky soul. So just like clothes need washing, I guess hearts need cleansing; and God offers that. We all have our pasts; but God gives us a future worth living. A brand new soul.

"Come now, let us argue this out," says the Lord. "No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can remove it. I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you as white as wool." (Isaiah 1:18)


Anonymous said...

Great images in this one.
I am jealous at time of people with profound faith.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Princess... :-) I find it vivid too... reading it, I sort of 'remember' the images, remember the dream....
Hmmmmm...... am reminded of one time where I'd lost one of my contact lenses, and not found it (though I'd prayed), and 2 days had passed...and in the bathroom, I told God, sort of challenging him, something like "God, are you listening? Do you care? I don't believe you care"... and then I looked down on the floor, and found the dried contact lens; hard, stuck there (and no one had stepped on it in 2 days! And it was still wearable; it was permanent contact lenses, so i was afraid of getting in trouble with my parents for losing it). And today, I left my handphone in the computer lab... and realized it only 20 minutes later... ran back, and it was still on the chair where I'd left it! (i dunno how i got off the chair without noticing...heheh). So that's the good stuff. As for the bad stuff (like getting into trouble and then not being able to get out of it ;-))... I dun hang on to it, so maybe that's the secret? ;-) Some ppl seem to be holding a grudge against God... and then again, maybe the really bad stuff hasn't happened to me yet (cos everyone has to suffer - that's life), so perhaps my faith hasn't been tested... and it's only thru testing that things are proved... so we'll see ;-)

Anonymous said...

I often mean to ask about you faith slants, Eve, because your outlook is quite Catholic.

Your poem raises the interesting point about the concept of justification through faith alone, because if you think about it, the faith of humanity in Christ isn't actually unconditional- Christ showed it in us first- he believed he wouldn't fail, that his casuse was worth it.

I must admit to having considered the idea of a man who lived without a soul as the plotline for oneof those many novels I never wrote. Actually, it was so long agao I can remember lieing next to Joanna telling her the plot idea.
The idea would be he had been so much in love once, that the heartbreak had crushed his soul. So his soul was not DEAD, but in a coma, kind of.

But without the fire of the soul to wear him away, he gained soulless immortality.

The idea would be that he was dead inside but had lived since Justinian the Great so was wise beyond conception.

And then, today, he would have found someone who made his soul stir.

But could he risk it? When you know you CAN live forever, would you choose love knowing it will doom you once more to die?

I only remembered it again reading this piece.

I think, as far as being tested goes, and the serendipity you describe, I tend to see it as a kind of karma.

Prayer works not because it influences God- it doesn't, it can't, God doesn't 'Change his mind'. And I don't think it works much when we do it because we WANT something.

But sometimes, I think it creates good Karma.

And I DO believe that you don't always get you want, but more often, you get what you need.

Anonymous said...

Correct, Crushed. our faith is conditional; God loves us, so we love him back. but so many others reject his love... it's the same in life, i guess; the way they see it, they are under no obligation to respond... and it's true... but if they could just see how MUCH they were loved, i'd think anyone would naturally respond...

I do believe that 'anyone who believes' will get saved, but can't really discuss those who believe but don't live it. cos if you really believe something, you have to live out your belief. if not, it's just lip service...

I like the plot of your story; it's along the lines of what i often think; allowing ourselves to care makes us vulnerable, mortal. if i wrote it, though, it would probably lack substance, 'cos of me not knowing much history... probably a book like this would be best done if 2 writers wrote; then you have the 2 sides of him... the side that loves knowledge, and the side that got hurt, and was hidden away for so long...

Re: God changing his mind, yes, i think the footnotes in my bible say he doesn't...heheh... but still, perhaps he hasn't always made the decision yet? like, he's sitting on the fence regarding my lost phone, and he KNOWS the outcome... but hmm, i dunno... heheh :-) i have faith that God answers prayers (although not all prayers), but yet, i agree; you often do get what you need. but hmmm... i guess i still believe that prayer can change things; it's the equivalent of actually doing something about stuff in the world; prayer is doing it in the spiritual realm... ;-)

Anonymous said...

that's a really interesting post, eve. I liked it - and I agree with you...we all need to be cleansed and religion does offer that. I envy those with profound faith, also.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you liked it, Kate... :-) Yup... with growing up, regrets always come.. but really, you know, in the long run, the past doesn't matter - it's how we choose to live our lives each day that counts :-)