Why Blogging Matters To Me

I woke up this morning at six. The sun streamed through the curtains even at this hour.

I never remember to button the duvet into the duvet cover, the duvet cover had worked itself off again.

I pulled a pillow over my head.
Lieing there for another six hours, eyes shut, not asleep, but not awake either.
Saturday mornings, this is my respite period. As much recuperation as I can expect from the week.

Because it IS rest. No, its not sleep. But, here, eyes shut, limbs still, my brain processes the thoughts it can, while it can. Because once I DO get out of that bed, it all starts again.

I switch on the PC and put the kettle on. Not too many e-mails to worry about today. But enough comments to necessitate at least half hour's work.
I answer them.

I run a bath and put some bubbles in it. I make another cup of tea while I have a cigarette out on the step. The sun is bright, very bright. I save time by taking food into the bath with me.

I head down to the hairdressers. Trim,short on the back and the sides, but just the split ends done on top. Before I pay, I check that my fringe, when stretched still reaches my lips, as it should do.
On the way back, I stop off at the Westcroft.

It's warm, the doors are wide open. Caroline, dark haired, doey eyed, coffee coloured skin. The twinkle in her eye, that coquettish smile.
Do I want her? Would I happily while away the rest of the afternoon in her arms?

Yes, yes I would. Like the beer I'm drinking, it would be a cool refreshing sedative, a temporary respite.
But could it ever be anything more?
I don't know, is the honest answer.

Three pints later, I'm heading home. A spiced chicken slice, half a pork pie and a cup of tea. I check my e-mails and respond to comments. I go online again.

I write this post, expecting the phone to ring. At some point soon, it will. Because anyday now, D will go into Labour. My godson, my adoptive nephew. I'm going to be Uncle Crushed.
The Baker stayed here the last few nights. It's all starting to hit him now. In a few days, he will have a living breathing child. And its too late for him to be having nerves, too late for him to be questioning whether he can handle the pressure of a serious relationship, because D day is here. But having a life crisis about it, he is.

Does he love her? Yes, of course he does.
But he is staying with her just because of the baby?

His career, it demands so much. Fifteen hour days, many days. And I know he feels he has lost everything good in his life.

You can't have everything. I look at him and realise, if this is what its like for two people who love eachother deeply, what hope is there?

All that, may well be something I have to sacrifice, in Real Life. Maybe for a long time. Maybe forever. Serious committed relationships? I just don't have the time. Only at the expense of axing any social life whatsoever.

Because my days are fifteen hour days too, many days. True, this is by choice. No one forces me to devote twenty hours a week to this blog and blog visiting. But I choose to do so. And it can be very draining.
I never realised when I started blogging, what a potential as a medium it has. And I made mistakes, huge ones. And I've paid for them- tenfold.

Some people blog for fun, some blog to let things out. Some blog to have their say on life.

I do blog for those reasons, but I blog for more than that.

I blog because I, as a person, as the person I am, as opposed to Crushed, am an irrelevance.

Pleasure and pain are dead to me, in anything other than a trivial, superficial sense.

I blog, because I have seen into the abyss, and because it can never end for me.

I blog, because after sex, I will still leave the room to go and smoke a cigarette on my own.
I blog because I no longer give a damn what happens to me.



I blog because I can never escape from the sense that if I don't fight this system with every breath in my body, if I don't put my views across with as much dedication as I can, I really did live in vain.

I blog because I want us to get talking. Talking, not bickering. Debating, not defaming. Debating ideals and principles, not behaving like a chatroom. Striving to make a better world, not striving to find a partner.

I blog because I have hope for all of YOU, I have NONE left for me.

So criticise me all you want. Lie about me all you want. Present me as anything you want.

But never forget, I blog, because I have principles.
It's all I have got.

And all I want.

If you really want to know how I feel?

THIS is how I feel, every day. The Shire CAN be saved. But not for me.
I've got nothing to gain and nothing to lose.

Whilst this blog is here, I've not YET outlived my usefulness.