Thursday 10 July 2008

Having Control of Your Life- Too Much to Give Up

We get little enough control over our lives as it is.

So much of it, is not the way we want it to be.
What little we DO have, is worth treasuring.

Or maybe it's just me.

Heart thinks that settling with someone just for the sake of it has it's own rewards. That being in a 'committed relationship', even if it isn't everything you want it be, is something in itself. And there are people who think these things are worth working at.
Sorry. I don't agree- I can't agree.

Because that's not my experience.
For a 'committed relationship' to genuinely be worth everything that is being asked, it must be offering things it is not my experience it can offer.
I wait to be proved wrong, but I doubt it.

The price is too high.

Why should I, or anybody, bind their lives to someone that way? Tried it many times, it's misery. It's not that the grass LOOKS greener on the being single side, in my experience, it pretty much always is.

Yes, no one wants to live alone. It's not always great. I guess the best arrangement I ever had was sharing this flat with D in a platonic friendship. All the benefits of living with someone without the disadvantages.

I suppose I value the life I have spent years creating too much.

My home is mine. Mine, and mine alone. I go to great lengths to retain total control of people's access to me.
OK, put another way, I go OUT most nights. I like spending time in people's company. But don't be ringing my doorbell. If I owned the property, I'd have it removed. No point it being there, really. I don't answer it, on point of principle. If you're ringing it, it means I don't know you. My flat. My space. I'm not answering the door to someone who doesn't know how to get me to open the door. You have to know my phone number to get me to open the door.
And don't think if you ring, I'll always answer. I decide when and if I want to take your call. If you withhold your number, then I will not take it. If you're one of a handful of people then I'll usually answer, but often I'll let it go to voicemail, and I'll ring you back when I feel like it.

Basically, I see who I want, when I want, I speak to who I want, when I want.

At the other end of the scale, I have close friends who have keys. But they are people I trust implicitly. And there are reasons why.

I'm very cagey. I can be very frustrating to have a conversation with, if you decide you want to make ME the topic of conversation. Because when it comes to that topic, I'll tell you what I feel like telling you. Questions is something different. Several people have observed that my instinctive response to question is to evade them, change topic, or answer with a question. No matter what question you asked. The fact you asked a question of me, ABOUT me, makes me suspicious. So in spite of the fact in many ways, I'm very open and don't appear to have much problem telling people things others wouldn't, in other ways I'm notoriously secretive.

The idea of anyone having too much of a hold over me, is my greatest fear. My closest friends are able to deal with that fact. That very often, I don't share things. I treat myself as a topic about which information is given out on a need to know basis. That the only person I'm comfortable having a complete picture of me, is me. So everyone has a choice WHICH aspect of me, they want.

I'm aware family members find this hurtful. But fact is, I don't trust them. That may seem bizarre. But it's how I like things. You saw me grow up, you know my potential Achilles' heals. I'll not let you see more than you need to. I'll not let you know any more about the person I am, than I absolutely have to. I do not introduce friends to my parents. I've only ever introduced them to one woman, and that was because I had no choice. I don't even like them knowing NAMES of exes. They don't know the name of the company I work for.

I recently gave my phone number to my Gran. I told her it was on the understanding she didn't ring, unless the old folk's home was on fire. I told her I was loathe to give it out, because I actually found it unsettling being rung by her.

I find the idea of someone always knowing where I am, who I'm with and what I'm doing to be something that frankly, oppresses me and makes me feel downright uncomfortable.
I quite like being able to go to a pub knowing that no one knows where I am.

I like the fact that only I can see my life.

You, the readers of this blog are trusted in a way I'd NEVER trust anyone in Real Life.
You are trusted, because you do not know me in the flesh.

I discovered the other day that D reads this blog sometimes. A reader asked me how I feel about that. I don't know, is the answer. A little uncomfortable, perhaps. Not that there's much here she doesn't know, but certain things, no, I'm not sure I AM comfortable with her reading.

You see, amongst the things I don't like talking about at all in Real Life, are actual emotions and feelings in the present tense. Or even past tense, actually. And the closer you are to me, the less likely you are to hear it. I'd never feel comfortable saying to my parents that I loved someone. Or feel comfortable saying it to anyone apart from the person concerned. And if it ACTUALLY was true, not even then. Not in Real Life. Because it exposes you, it shows you up as vulnerable. And I don't like appearing vulnerable to anyone.

I have different friends for different things. I split my own needs over a variety of people, so that no one person is indispensable. It works for me, it's safe. It means I'm always protected,yet ultimately in control.

So if I actually REALLY did love someone?

It would make it so much easier if they didn't love me back.
What would be the point?

Couldn't REALLY serve a purpose. Because I couldn't really give them what they wanted. They'd be committed to someone who couldn't cope with that pressure being laid upon them, that felt caged.
And I wouldn't be able to give them the happiness they desired. It would be too much pressure. The responsibility of being solely responsible for someone else's fulfillment is too much for me, it's a burden I can't accept.

You see, I don't actually mind loving someone and not being loved back. I don't get jealous. It doesn't bother me that they'll find fulfillment with someone else, why would it? After all, I can't give it to them. I can still love them selflessly in my own way, just not commit to give them something I can't.

And what do I want from them?


It can be selfless, if its true. If you demand nothing from the person you love, and they demand nothing from you, these things aren't so bad.

If you have access to someone's mind and feel they are always there with you, even when they're not, what more do you want?
Why DO you expect them to love you back?

Would it make your life better?

If you can learn to give your love freely, it doesn't hurt. Problem is with the idea of commitment, people offer love at a price.

So if they loved you back, the price might well be too high.

I have total control of my life. My flat. My bank account. My financial affairs. My time. I go where I want, when I want, see who I want, have total control over my free time, and no one else has any say in this, and no any else can expect to know any of it, as a matter of right.
Could I give that up?

If you could love someone and not lose this, then everything is perfect.

It only becomes a problem if you expect them to love you back.

And if loving you back carried a price.

And the way people generally interpret these things, the price is ALWAYS too high.

I wish life wasn't like that.


Anonymous said...

When you meet the right person you will still be in control of you life. But for now just enjoy life, don't worry about these things. Life is for living!

Anonymous said...

I find this all quite sad.
I wonder how this came to be with the people who care/d so much for you, your family.

Funnily enough I have often found that friendships become deeper when you share your vulnerability with another.

We are all pretending to be confident people in control of our lives but we all have self doubt and sometimes it's comforting to know that others are just the same.

But don't settle, that's a recipe for disaster.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't settle for something that was just there for the sake of it. With much respect, I still think you under estimate yourself Crushed and are trying to convince yourself more than any reader about matters of the heart and yourself. Loosen up , I reckon real love is going to knock you on your ass one day!

Anonymous said...

You misunderstood, as always. I said one should never settle, but that too many people do just that for the sake of being with someone.

Anonymous said...

If you never give it a chance, it'll never happen. Some times you have to make a leap of faith and just hope that you've made the right choice.

Anonymous said...

CherryPie- Who says I haven't? ;)
I may not be the right person for them.
But yes, life I for the living. You only get one shot.

jmb- Oh, c'est la vie.

Well, in the case of m cloests friends, yes, but point is I'm now kind of protected enough. So anyone OUTSIDE that circle is kind of breaking in. I need to know I can trust them first not to disrupt things as they are.

Well, I always come across as pretty ultra-confident in RL, but that's because all that social interaction stuff is pretty much what I love doing.
I'm a crowds person.

It was, yes. :)

Nunyaa- I don't know. I mean I don't think this book is over yet, I'm not sure I've written the conclusion. Could be a bizarre plot twist, I agree.

Heart- Yes, I agree with you there. Perhaps we ARE thinking along the same lines, after all.
But don't give up hope.

Oestrebunny- What will be, will be.
What is meant to happen, will happen.

I'm not really one for leaps of faith. The prize has to be worth the gamble.
One thing I HAVE learned, I have too much to lose.

I think I still kind of have faith, though. Though not perhaps the way most people do.

Choice? Are these things ever entirely ours to make?

Anonymous said...

In one sense, I suppose life is all about compromise, abt settling. Everything has a price, but only you decide what price you are willing to pay.

Hope on the other hand is something you should never lose. If thats lost, everythings lost....