Self Delusion or Dark Side?

Well, the result of last week's poll was inconclusive.
Eleven votes for the corporations.
Eleven votes against.
There were no 'don't know's.

The corporations need to do some marketing, methinks.
OK, this week's issue is very different.



In real life, I'm a bit like the last issue.
Ask someone who knew of me, there would be few don't knows.
There would be strong opinions either way.

One of my main faults is that I seem to hurt people without wanting to.
Obviously nobody wants to hurt people.
The problem is when you can't work out how not to.

The only thing I've ever done in my life is sell. I don't do it because it pays huge amounts of money, it doesn't, but because it's a pleasant way to earn enough to live.
Someone is paying you to chat to people.
But there's also that huge adenalin rush of bringing someone in, that sense of hitting the arrow home. That's why you do it.

And you don't trouble yourself about whether the customer ends up satisfied. That's not your job. You aren't responsible for delivery.
As long as you never made any guarantees the company never said it couldn't deliver, you did your job.
It's about representation.

I do it, because I'm not much use at much else.

The problem is, I never quite move outside that mode. For example, I have absolutely no qualms telling someone what I think they want to hear, to get them to sign on the dotted line. I'll flirt with them shamelessly, if need be.
What's worse, I don't even weigh up the decision. I do it without thinking. It's almost an unconscious action.
It becomes a motivator in itself. You enjoy knowing you are making someone feel good.



And I seem to do this instinctively in my personal life.

The problem in my personal life is not so much I can't find love, as just as have no idea what to do with it when I do.
I'm actually quite a prude in some ways. I don't do one night stands as a rule. I do prefer to have some connection to people I am intimate with.
It is what that connection means that can be confusing.

I enjoy the wining and dining aspect, I enjoy the early phase of pillow talk where you offload your fears and fantasies, the look of love in a woman's eye, the period when you have long in depth conversations about the world.
And in a real sense, I mean everything I say at this point. The sweet nothings I whisper are heartfelt nothings.

And yet I say the same sorts of things everytime.

When the initial fire starts to get more 'steady', I find myself lost. The sale bit is over, and I don't know what to do.
The problem is, what I am really in love with is a stage in the process. I love someone who is falling in love, I find it hard to love someone in love.

With a sale, you can comfort yourself you are not responsible for delivering what you represent, yet in real life relationships you are.
I fail badly here.

It is possible that I know that the product I am marketing in this instance is appallingly shoddy and cannot give customer satisfaction.

It is as if, come a certain point, I feel a peak has been reached and it's time to back out.
Even if it does develop further, my feelings fast change to brother-sister feelings, and I am looking elsewhere for that fire again.

And would I even know if I had fallen in love for real?

This is the problem. Sometimes I think I am in love at the time, then it wears off.
But one day I might think it had worn off once that initial stage was over.
And maybe it would be real.

But we also have the moral issue. Knowing this cycle, isn't entering into it at all, morally reprehensible?
I cannot know for sure that I delude myself this time, but looking at past history, it's the most likely interpretation.
Which makes me negligent.

Which I am most guilty of, self delusion or wilful deception, I'll let you decide.

This weeks poll is on Friday night's issue.
Is Monogamy our natural condition?

Have your say.