Finding Meaning in Life

My mother isn't one to give compliments lightly.
In fact, I can't think of many that she has given out.
But I can think of one.
And perhaps, the rarity of it, made it special to me.

It was over a year ago.
'I cannot even begin to comprehend what you have been through- but you must have something about you, some inner reserves to have come through all you went through, without bitterness and without being broken.
Which is why it's so sad that otherwise, you are so weak-willed, feckless and- useless.'

Backhanded compliment maybe, but fair.

I'm lucky now. Life is good. But it hasn't always been.
And if I find myself alone for any length of time- my flatmate has gone on holiday- I get intimidated by the empty flat.

Maybe I should explain a little. I really didn't do a great job of my early twenties, really. I went through a sequence of events, pretty much due to my own failings, which just wasn't the sort of sequence of events anyone wants to live through.

And it didn't break me.
In a sense it made me stronger.
But at a price.

It forced me into having to adopt an existence where I could never relax, or drop my guard for an instant. Where I was always looking over my shoulder, always watching my back, always having to watch situations.

The Adrenalin never truly stopped pumping.
And I lived like that for a long time.

It was a nasty life to live, really. The dance of the Quick and the Dead.
And when you come through smiling, when you get your life back to normal, when you can breathe again, you feel invincible.

You know yourself. And you know NOTHING can break you.
People see it in you.
Because in a physical sense, you no longer have fear.

You can face anyone down eye to eye.

But that doesn't mean you have no fear. The side of life you have seen, means that life to you, just can not be the same as it is to most people.
My adrenalin never really stops pumping.

Emotions are a luxury, and sometimes you have to disconnect them just to survive.
But how do you reconnect them?

You are now fully programmed to survive ANYTHING alone.
Fully programmed to distrust everyone.

You don't need anyone.



Except, in a real sense you do. Now you are through all that, you don't want to think about it anymore. Your life was ruined, and somehow you salvaged at least some of it.

And no, you wouldn't really know if this, if you met me. I'm outgoing, friendly, chatty- though I say it myself, I do come across as a nice person in real life.
People come to me asking for favours, knowing I'll do my best. People like being around me, because in many ways I am quite open.
I make an effort with people, because I do genuinely like people.

And people find it easy to let me in. In ways that sometimes, I wish they wouldn't.
People- especially if they know the stuff I've been through- see me as being able to carry their troubles.
The number of people who, on casual acquiantance tell me the shocking things they have endured in their lives, using me as a shoulder to cry on, can be very draining.

Because you see, I just can't return the favour.
I just really CAN'T let people in.
Except for a tiny circle of people.

And almost everyone else, I protect myself against.
But my flatmate sees me with my guard down, as does The Baker.

Sitting cross legged on the sofa, talking about how I feel.
Striving desperately to find some purpose, something beyond the next pay packet, the next blues game, the next party.

Because you see, somewhere along the way, I stopped caring. I survived by stopping caring.
I have suppressed my own feelings for so long, I have absolutely no idea what they are any more.
Except feeling high and feeling low.
Today is a feeling low day.

Mainly because I'm home alone.

But there is something over the last six months that has awakened me.
Because whilst I lost interest in myself a few years ago, I gained interest in something else.
When I wrote off my future, I took more interest in the future of the world.



Blogging has enabled me to come to terms with the fact that now, I only really have one aim in life.
To try and understand it.
As in Life, the Universe and Everything.

And maybe, understand the things wrong with our society.
So that wasted lives like mine don't have to happen one day.

And the rest, to me, has just become peripheral.

There isn't anything else I really want.

Crushed is not my raison d'etre, but it plays a part in giving me some level of satisfaction.

As Descartes said 'I think, therefore I am.'