Thursday 15 November 2007

Confessions of Crushed

Yes Ok, I've done bad things in my life.

Badly behaved at primary school. Always being sent to the headmaster. Mainly for wondering around being disruptive, talking to people, reading when supposed to be working, bringing in toys, etc.

Worse after that. My parents in their infinite wisdom thought private education the way forward. No.
I got expelled at 13. For doing none of the Summer Holiday assignments.

Back to good old comprehensive education.

Yes I was a teenage tearaway too. Smoked, drank, did drugs.

Sorry to my parents for NOT getting into Oxford, I know you wanted it and you never forgave me for it.

My brother? Well, sorry for a LOT. Most of the swets you thought you lost, I nicked. Oh and your punchball that mysterious deflated. No mystery.
Oh and sorry for the time I hid all your clothes.

And the times I stitched you up in front of your mates.

My Grandmother, you stuck by me when you were the only relative who gave a damn. You didn't get much back, and still don't.

Your faith in me kept me going most of the years up till eighteen, and has still meant so much ever since. Knowing you have ONE family member you can actually talk to meant everything to me.

And since childhood?

I threw my degree course by pretty much total non attendance. I did graduate, but not with accolades, that's for sure.
Very much NOT the studious student.

Imagine a kind of squat, covered in empty takeaway boxes, pounding dance music playing, a circle of stoners playing Worms on the playstation amidst cloud of smoke.
Imagine a student pub.

OK, you've seen the two main scenes of my student life.
Although there were times I put on a suit and was politically active. I learned leading a double life early.

Sorry to Joanna, for the way I handled our breakup. Sorry to the person I treated as a personal slave for three years. Sorry to the people who went round sorting my messes out for me. Sorry to those I invented nicknanmes for that stuck. Sorry for those who had their lives made a misery by what I saw as funny.

And after graduation?
Total double life.

Crushed the hard working salesman, bit of a barrowboy in some ways, not strictly professional in attitude, but ideally suited to that line of work.

And Crushed the pill popping, Coke snorting hard clubber and party goer.

Crushed the camp, flirty little whore who kissed the boys and made them cry and spent slightly longer with the girls before he did the same.

I'm sorry. Sorry for that reckless, selfish way of life. I didn't care. I'd been hurt in love, and so I didn't care who I hurt.

Sorry to the person who fell so much in love with me, she even convinced me that I loved her enough to marry her. Sorry for the two year hell that was our relationship. Sorry for not being able to handle you. Sorry for blanking you out. Sorry for seeing other women, sorry for not telling you how I felt, sorry for the rows, the walking out, the selfishness.

Sorry to all the people I dragged into my wake. Sorry to those women I made promises to I was sincere about, but never followed through on. Sorry to those colleagues I've exploited. Sorry for those who had their lives disrupted by my thoughtless self indulgences.

And sorry to EVERYBODY for the SPECTACULAR cock up of November 28th 2002 and subsequent events. Special sorry to those who warned me it would happen. I have only my own stupidity and recklessness to blame. And thanks again for all of you who stood by me then, through the ordeal that followed. Sometimes, your support made me feel almost heroic.

Though again, sorry for some of the things I had to do in those dark days.

Sorry to those since those days who have thought they could reach me. Sorry, that door is closed, only open to those who proved their worth during the dark times. No one else will ever come in. I'm sorry. I really thought that door could be broken down.
It can't. I will wake up in my sleep, three times a night at least, every night until I die, often pulling my ligaments causing me to scream out loud. And I'll never want to talk about the dreams I have that cause that.

Sorry for making you believe that you could be enough to ease my racing thoughts.
Nothing will. You can never see what I saw, nor ever fully comprehend the horrors that I know. You can be happy, I never can, not really. Sorry, because it took this blog to make me see that.

Sorry for trying to live a lie.

Sorry to those who try, really try, to get me to let them into my soul as much as they let me into theirs.

Sorry that it is only when I write this blog that I feel my soul to be free.

Sorry to my flatmate for not really talking about my worries, when she tells me EVERYTHING. Somehow, I think she knows them all anyway.

And, well, sorry.

Will I make more Cock ups, more mistakes?
Inevitable I guess.

But I am who I am.

And I LIKE who I am.
I'm not sorry in the least about that.

My conscience is clear.

I'm ready now.


Anonymous said...

I'm not sure what to think about this post. You're either going to jump under a bus or start a new life.

I'm going to assume the latter. It sounds to me like you were a typical boy in some ways, full of energy and no great way to channel it. Not challenged in school, for you are bright, actually more than bright. Probably too clever for your own good, so you got away with the minimum of effort. You didn't find your niche then or now.

I'm not convinced you do like who you are at the moment, I think you protest too much. I think you are seeking to make a change, it is partly being forced on you. So it's going to be now or soon.

So get on with it. Go get'em Tiger.

Anonymous said...

A very different post from you Mr Ingsoc. I really liked it.

Have you ever tried apolgising to yourself? You say you're ready now, but there are times when you can't be truly free, without accepting certain things about yourself. I don't know what those things are. Perhaps the Chimney Sweep or the Baker would be better equipped to help you find it.

But my personal experience is that if you know yourself well enough to be able to apologise for something, then you're able to know how to free yourself.

Maybe you should start thanking people next. It leaves you feeling much more upbeat about it all afterwards.

Anonymous said...

Are you on your deathbed or something????

Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

Anonymous said...

good for you! sometimes it is very catharic to say fuck you very much and thanks for the memories. and start all fresh.
I have to forgive myself for a lot of things as well.
we all have to - to move forward.

unless you are a sadistic murderer/raptist/child molestor - then you deserve to potter along like the rest of us. Happily.

Anonymous said...

*Breath held* Poor CBI..... Hopefully blogging has sorted it out, 'cos if you let all these things spoil the rest of your life, it'll be such a waste (I've lots of regrets that keep clinging to me, and still do, in fact... they're the reason I've wasted the last 4 years of my life... it looks like yours are still spoiling the rest of your life for you... like all those people you might have been happy with...). Well... at least you have the blog, and it can be cathartic... :-)

Anonymous said...

Apology accepted, even though never requested or sort, and not even warranted for that matter.

Babe, you may be a complete dick sometimes, but I still love you as a mate, always have and always will.

You have this knack of not caring about your actions, but caring for those around you. I'm pretty similar, but not as extreme lol.

You care about your friends a great deal, and I honour that. Friendship is the most important thing in the world, because only true friends will stay by you til the end of time.

When you said you were thinking of moving to Manchester, my heart sank. It was like 'Shit, he's going, the last of my true friends, and the only one local to me, is moving away, like the rest have done', but thank god you stayed put, and even though I don't see you enough, I know you're there if I need you to talk to or hang out with etc.

You are you, as you quite rightly say, and I love you for being you, so never change the man you are (maybe just calm down a little lol) and you'll be fine. And ffs have SAFE SEX you stupid fool, or you'll be gone for other reasons in 10 years time!!!!

Anonymous said...

I hope you found catharsis in that, Ingsoc. I enjoyed reading it - very moving.

All I can say is that you're not the only one who's made dreadful cock-ups - mine was Christmas Eve 1999 and I had a young family to support after it. I had no choice but to pull through and yes - it wakes me in the night.

I would have suggested therapy to you but I guess you know as well as I that for people of a serious disposition it doesn't really work. Like the after-burn of a fine whisky or brandy this is the real taste of life - not the sugary sweet of a dessert. Life is touch sensative and to move through it without impacting on it is not to live at all.

Easy for me to say but take the pain and savour it rather than hide from it. Don't forget to stop and smell the flowers on your way either though.

I think you're brilliant - you're clearly fully marinated in your education far more than any 1.1 Oxbridge with the looks and personality of an uncooked oven chip.

Anonymous said...

jmb- Oh, trust me, I'm not the junmping under a bus type.

I was quite disruptive in school and always did my homework in the lesson before (as in, my maths excercise book was underneath the geography one, and I was working in both simultaneously. I was sent out on more than one occasion for just NOT observing basic decorum.

For some strange reason, they actually made me a prefect. Go figure.

I don't always like the consequences of my actions, no. I don't mean to hurt people, I'm really not like that, but I AM someone who is used to being in control, and sometimes I don't always pay consideration to that.

Phish- The Baker and me are as close we are, because we understand how the other thinks, completely. I think that is how all close friendships work. We are very similar, but we do understand the differences in eachothers minds.

The Chimney Sweep is the one we protect. I watch over him, but he's just too innocent really, for the kind of discussions The Baker and i have. He's quite happy pottering along.

He doesn't have the huge frustration that both and I and the Baker have, the frustration of intelligent males with high testerone with the mundanity of the world offered them.

That I think, is the key.
I guess this blog is a record of my hatred for a society that eats away at me every day, that has no capacity to fulfill me.

Alexys- No, I'm not. But there are certain things that have to end. Now we are in a situation where the only things hidden from the bloggosphere are my name, address place of work and phone numbers.

Now you all know the worst about me :)

Betty- Well, trust me, break a few hearts and take way too much drugs is the worst I've ever done.

Regrets? Not really. I look back at an interesting life. Some of the experiences I went through are pretty rare. Sometimes I'm thankful for being able to see perspectives most people never will.

Sometimes I think, God gave me a backhanded compliment. He threw shit at me to make stronger.

Eve- It's certainly helped me get stuff out of my system. But there is stuff that can never go, my dreams for example. I was talking about them to my flatmate, wondering how long I had them, and she said, 'You always will. It will fade, but you'll never forget it.'

She's right, of course.

SS- I think it's true I'm lucky enough to get a lot of people. I'm lucky enough to be likeable enough to take the piss- I think you know that.

Friends are priceless. That is value number one, in fact its the only one that matters. Friends come above erverything and everyone. Life without friends must just be pointless.
As I always say, 'Partners come and go, Friends are for Life', which is why I get angry with people who forget that.

Well, re the Manchester move, at the time it seemed sense- The Baker thought I would be better off living near him, and I had nothing to lose.

But it's all panned out hunky dory, I have a great job, lovely flat, and now the Baker is coming down to live probably only a few streets away!

Everything works out for the best!

Safe Sex- Hmmm. Yes, but then that makes TWO sins to confess.
But, point taken.

E-K- Life,tasting it, yes, that has always been the demon driving me, full on, never satisfied. I'm just driven to extremes.

Being driven by that, that eternal craving, is just the way I am. As for what wakes me in the night, that will never go. There is a huge dark cloud which just means I don't see the world the same way others do. I saw right into the abyss, right into its heart and what really lurks inside humanity, what some of its members are, is horrific to behold, horrific to see it.

I look at things and see what others wouldn't see, and I shiver.

Sometimes it just hits me, something sets off dark times I try to forget about, and I just sit remembering. And at that point I feel completely powerless, like theres a shadow over me.

That will ALWAYS be there.

Thanks for the compliment though- A lot of people on meeting me are surprised when they find out I'm actually a lot better educated than you might initially have thought, because on first impressions I'm the sort of person who is only interested in Music, Women and Football.

Anonymous said...

Somehow it's easier to confess one's sins in public than to claim one's accomplishments. I'm sure you feel better for your apologies but I wonder if the people to whom you were apologising read your blog?

Anonymous said...

Ready for what?

Anonymous said...

Don't do it!

I have New Order on my iTunes by chance, it goes very well with this post.

Anonymous said...

Well, that was cathartic. I can only imagine that you feel better after that.

At least you have perspective on things. Life is nasty and we learn to be nasty from it, without thinking about it until afterward. But at least you can look at it and say exactly what it was that you did wrong. That's the only way to move forward, the only way to unlearn the past.

I was the same way. I almost took my classes in the Principal's office--and it was all from talking, reading, drawing, and when I'd get yelled at by a teacher, I'd yell back, and if they really hated me, I would give them no peace, either.

And on and on--so many things. Worms on the Playstation even, rooms full of smoking, drinking, various drugs, not really trying in relationships, all of it.

And how long it takes to learn better. It never ends. But progress can be made. It's good to acknowledge the wrongs and try to let go. To try and make peace with any and all regrets. The only way to go. It never ends, but it does get easier. And you do learn. I think so, at least.

Anonymous said...

That's an awful lot of sorries, Crushed. You maybe suffer because you think too much!

Anonymous said...

Paul- Moot point. Even if they did, they wouldn't know it was me. Or they probably would actually. My mother found this blog- God knows how- and worked it I was the author, so it IS doable. I suppose if you know me well enough, this blg has me written all over it.

Oestrebunny- Now there I'm not entirely sure.
I think, what I mean, is my wilderness years are coming to an end.

Ed- Blue Monday? True Faith? I didn't realise you liked New Order. I have all their albums here. Great group.

Eric- I think it's a journey, and we find ourselves on it, I think. Or someb of us do. I think those who always play by the rules don't so much.

You do learn from youir mistakes- but they aren't the lessons people THINK you'd learn. They are ones you HAVE to have made those mistakes to learn.

Welshcakes- It has been said. But unfortunately, that's me. I don't really feel comfortable with something I don't understand.

Anonymous said...

I admit I let out a sigh of relief at that last line.