Wednesday 14 November 2007

Sick of The Game

Sometimes, people who read this might think I'm quite a serious person in real life. Sadly, this couldn't be further from the truth.

Generally, I'm quite a frivolous person. I get on with people easily, because I'm a fairly direct person, quite chatty, make interesting conversation and have quite a surreal sense of humour. I'm slightly contentious, true, and if you're not very liberal minded, then some of the things I say can shock. I'm open about the way I lead my life.

Dorian Gray is the literary character I am most compared to. Basically I work hard to earn lots of money to be used on playing hard.

There is no next year. No savings, no lifeplan, no aim. Just live for today. I have no ties except for my close friends, no commitments except my football team. It's pointless, but overall moments of pleasure tend to be commoner than moments of pain.

You see, really I'm a complete cynic. I know the world I'd like to see, but we don't live in it. So I just try to make the world in my vicinity as good as it can be. And that is not a world to everybody's taste, but it is to mine.

But yes, I battle every day with the moral dilemma. Since we hit the middle of this year, I have started to realise I can't bury it forever.

I live a complete lie. I acquiesce in and support a truly awful society, to the degree of voting Tory. Worse, at least the others who do so, believe SOME good about the crap they support; Capitalism, Marriage, Armies, Strong Governments. I don't.
I despise it all with every nerve in my body, yet I go along with it, because not to would mean not getting my bribe from them.

With that bribe, I get to ease my sense of guilt by blocking it out. With the pub, dance clubs, football, music, women.
And deep down, hating myself.

Hating myself for not making a hard choice.

For taking that bribe. For committing doublethink, every single day of my life.

Because I could refuse.

You see, it's become harder. Harder, because it doesn't matter any more HOW much I party, it never goes away, that nagging voice.
That sense of just squandering a life.

I could party less, work harder, make a 'career' success.
But THAT is still playing the GAME.
It's still meaningless. You're still a pawn.
Even Gordon Brown is a pawn. If someone pays you, you're a pawn.

Only those who PAY people, without really needing payment are the gamesmasters.
They make the rules.

A lot has happened in my life of late which has really brought these issues to the head.

One is the impending birth of my 'nephew'. The Baker and my flatmate will be moving in together at some point soon. This leaves me alone in this flat. That scares me, and both of them know it. My flatmate is a bit worried, I think.

Then there is the fact that our fears regarding the marriage of The Chimney Sweep seem to be being borne out by events. That bothers me.
It may not seem relevant, but it adds to my anger.

There are a whole load of other things I don't really want to go into, but trust me, the last two months have not been great, one way or another.

And I have realised, life is TOO short. Too short, too short, too short. It's racing by and my best years have gone. The party is almost over, everyone else has gone home, just me and a few stragglers smoking on the front doorstep.

And I can't escape from it.
I'm SICK of this.
SICK of living under INGSOC.
Sick of accepting a bribe to live a lie.

I'd rather go down fighting.

But how the hell am I going to do that?


Anonymous said...

Run for the hills. Reject society and join a hippy commune.

Anonymous said...

I am actually not sure what your'e talking about? Are you afraid of dying or living? Or living to die?

Dorian Gray - - Oscar Wilde at his finest. He wasn't afraid to live, he just didn't want to get old and decrepit. Excellent book!

Anonymous said...

Honey please you are not even 30 yet so the party hasn't even started yet! I think you are too serious for such a youngun'Now get out there and make a fool of yourself! I insist! INGSOC what does that mean anyways?

Anonymous said...

As long as you're aware, you're not that far wrong in my book.

Anonymous said...

It's racing by and my best years have gone.

Only if you are a mathematician or a chess champion. Otherwise the best is yet to come. It's up to you to make it happen. You have to decide your priorities and go for it.

What about a cat?

Anonymous said...

You're young, crushed. You have life ahead of you and take it from me: it just gets better.

Jesus came so we could have life to the full not merely live. That isn't necessarily wine, women and song. Look deeper.

Anonymous said...

WOW! What a dilemma!

1) Dorian Grey? Really? Do you have a photo in your attic that's getting older and older and older...

2) Living or dying - both are pretty wonderful. Living is what you make it as you DO have a choice. The barriers are only the ones you put up. DEath is just another experience, a lifting of the veil to something beyond. I'm not scared of living or dying.

3) If you're not even 30 then I understand - I had serious jitters in my late 20s. But now I am 30, despite the fact nothing has changed in my tedious existence, I am full of bright hope. Even when I end up face first in a polish builder's crotch. Never give up hope.

Crush Incsoc back...

Anonymous said...

Talking of chess it has always bothered me a great deal that the QUEEN is the most powerful character and the KING a dastardly old defenceless codger SAP who can do pracically nothing at all.. except move SLIGHTLY more funkily than a prawn... sorry pawn.../// whatever...

Anonymous said...

> That sense of just squandering a life.
Well, it's not too late (you're still young ;- ) ) to have realized it. I agree that with partying and all this stuff, no one will remember you when you die, and it still won't have made any difference (except to yourself) whether you lived or not... for me, it's worthwhile to save souls ('cos with saving lives they just die again), 'cos that's something that lasts (since I do believe in a heaven :-) )Guess it's a good time for you to find something you find worth doing, so you won't live a meaningless existence... :- )

> I could party less, work harder, make a 'career' success.
But THAT is still playing the GAME.
It's still meaningless. You're still a pawn. Only those who PAY people, without really needing payment are the gamesmasters.
They make the rules.
I agree... no point slaving all your life for nothing... I don't see the need for paying people, either, though, 'cos even if you're the gamesmaster, you're still playing the game. (I'm picturing the man who can get up and say, "I don't want to play anymore", as the rest look at him... that man makes a stand... not sure how this fits in with what it's possible to do in real life, though... there's a saying that comes to mind, "In the world, but not of the world." Being the difference...)

>And I have realised, life is TOO short. Too short, too short, too short. It's racing by and my best years have gone. The party is almost over, everyone else has gone home, just me and a few stragglers smoking on the front doorstep. And I can't escape from it.
I know the feel. And you describe it so well that i feel it again. I used to feel it too... til now, when I've found love (of a sort) and a purpose again. Perhaps you could pray and seek your life's purpose... :-)

Anonymous said...

Oestrebunny- That seems like a defeat. Its running away. One leaves society behind and romoves one's potential to DO something.

Alexys- Afraid of living in wastage, living without doing anything, growing old, miserable staring into space never contented.

Yes, it is a great book. Would have been great to have BEEN Dorian Gray.

Poody- Sometimes I feel a LOT older than thirty.
Life is serious though, and i have wasted much of it. I don't want to waste the rest.

McEwen- Thanks, I don't think I am either.

jmb- I don't have the looks I had in my early twenties. I was VERY boyish, VERY slim- about 9 stone.

Now I can see lines on my forehead, no matter how much I moisterise. The party is over, now its time to do something serious.

Never quite took to cats.

Liz- I am looking deeper. Much deeper.
I want to do something, its just how to do it.

Mermaid- As to you first point, I wisd I did. As to the second, I guess I DO kind of have what's known as a death wish. That's completely the opposite to being suicidal, its an urge to seek a glamorous exit. yes, that's definitely me.

As for hope, well, I try...

Gledwood- The queen didn't move so much in the original Persian game- it is a western add on.
By the way, ever wondered why the castles are called Rooks?
From the Persian word for elephant. that's what they're supposed to be- the ones they rode with little turrets on the back.

Eve- Love is great, but only if it can work WITH, not against your life purpose.
Love alone could never be enough, I would still be dissatisfied.

Anonymous said...

Crushed, has it ever occurred to you to vote Labour? - No, I suppose they are just as bad these days. I'm sorry you've had a hard couple of months but I can't understand your fear of living alone. You might actually like it, you kinow! You are NOT going to "go down" because we, your readers, are here for you!

Anonymous said...

If it's any consolation babe, I love ya to bits, always have always will, even though you can be a total arse at time lol. You're a mate, and one of very few who have stuck by me through all the shit that's happened to me, and I you when you went through your own shit. To me you,re one of my bestest mates, and that's never gonna change.

I hate myself too, and people wonder why. We live in a bubble. We see things others do not see, therefore hate ourselves whereas others do not.

Life is a game, 'The Game of Life', and you have to play that game in order to sirvive.

I've said it before, and I say it again, our lives are mapped out for us, so it doesn't matter what we decide to do, what path we take, it's already decided for us, we just have to go with the flow, and ride the wave.

Enjoy life while you can, cause you may not live to see tomorrow!

And will you please text me back ffs!!!

Anonymous said...

If at all possible avoid the use of firearms.

Anonymous said...

well I am 33 with no partner and 3 kids. I could see myself as damaged goods and the best years of my life are over ( and boy do I have those thoughts!)
BUT I have a choice in how I view my life. I accept I may never have a partner. and I am ok with that.

I refuse to see my life as a chore though - that is not to say it sometimes feels like a giant, humourless chore - but if you give in to the despair of life, then that is the end.

Our thinking is what gets us EVERYWHERE.

You're gonna be fine, it's always the thinkers in life that struggle it seems.

Anonymous said...

Welshcakes- I can't really. Seriously. I get panic attacks being on my own too long, and that's fact. I get edgy and have to keep going out. Lat time I lived alone, I hardly left the pub- that's how bad I am with it, and for various reasons, I'm even less well equipped to deal with it now.

SS- Yes, it is a game, but treat TOO much as one, there is a danger, for me at any road.

Because other people ARE taking it seriously. You're just playing to win.
There are quite a lot of 'games' I'm pretty good at, so maybe I SHOULDN'T treat them as games, because the other players aren't, and I have the advantage.

Text messages- I have 132 unread emails and 30ish unanswered texts. This is because when texts come through, I usually look, and unless it reads 'Am in Star now. Fancy a drink?', it doesn't an answer straight away. I think, i'll answer when I've done this. Of course then there's more stuff to do, then you DO get a text from someone saying 'Come to the Star', and then I forget to answer the previous texts.

Yes, I know. I'm not great at answering stuff.

Paul- Oh, indeed. But ultimately, the bastards may gun us down in the streets.

Betty- It does get you down sometimes.
Sometimes I really do feel alone, even when I'm the centre of attention. Because inside, I can't see things as they do. It's as if they believe in Santa Claus, but I know he doesn't exist.