Sick of The Game

Sometimes, people who read this might think I'm quite a serious person in real life. Sadly, this couldn't be further from the truth.

Generally, I'm quite a frivolous person. I get on with people easily, because I'm a fairly direct person, quite chatty, make interesting conversation and have quite a surreal sense of humour. I'm slightly contentious, true, and if you're not very liberal minded, then some of the things I say can shock. I'm open about the way I lead my life.

Dorian Gray is the literary character I am most compared to. Basically I work hard to earn lots of money to be used on playing hard.

There is no next year. No savings, no lifeplan, no aim. Just live for today. I have no ties except for my close friends, no commitments except my football team. It's pointless, but overall moments of pleasure tend to be commoner than moments of pain.

You see, really I'm a complete cynic. I know the world I'd like to see, but we don't live in it. So I just try to make the world in my vicinity as good as it can be. And that is not a world to everybody's taste, but it is to mine.

But yes, I battle every day with the moral dilemma. Since we hit the middle of this year, I have started to realise I can't bury it forever.

I live a complete lie. I acquiesce in and support a truly awful society, to the degree of voting Tory. Worse, at least the others who do so, believe SOME good about the crap they support; Capitalism, Marriage, Armies, Strong Governments. I don't.
I despise it all with every nerve in my body, yet I go along with it, because not to would mean not getting my bribe from them.

With that bribe, I get to ease my sense of guilt by blocking it out. With the pub, dance clubs, football, music, women.
And deep down, hating myself.



Hating myself for not making a hard choice.

For taking that bribe. For committing doublethink, every single day of my life.

Because I could refuse.

You see, it's become harder. Harder, because it doesn't matter any more HOW much I party, it never goes away, that nagging voice.
That sense of just squandering a life.

I could party less, work harder, make a 'career' success.
But THAT is still playing the GAME.
It's still meaningless. You're still a pawn.
Even Gordon Brown is a pawn. If someone pays you, you're a pawn.

Only those who PAY people, without really needing payment are the gamesmasters.
They make the rules.

A lot has happened in my life of late which has really brought these issues to the head.

One is the impending birth of my 'nephew'. The Baker and my flatmate will be moving in together at some point soon. This leaves me alone in this flat. That scares me, and both of them know it. My flatmate is a bit worried, I think.

Then there is the fact that our fears regarding the marriage of The Chimney Sweep seem to be being borne out by events. That bothers me.
It may not seem relevant, but it adds to my anger.



There are a whole load of other things I don't really want to go into, but trust me, the last two months have not been great, one way or another.

And I have realised, life is TOO short. Too short, too short, too short. It's racing by and my best years have gone. The party is almost over, everyone else has gone home, just me and a few stragglers smoking on the front doorstep.

And I can't escape from it.
I'm SICK of this.
SICK of living under INGSOC.
Sick of accepting a bribe to live a lie.

I'd rather go down fighting.

But how the hell am I going to do that?