Tuesday 1 January 2008

All Quiet on a New Years Day

Not an especially sunny day. A grey January day, warm enough to wear a short sleeved shirt still.
Quite where that break went, I'm not sure.

I can't really put my hand on my heart and say it all went to good use. I slept a lot.

The days have passed like the bat of an eyelid. The dull reality of work looms large, the return to mundanity, the days stretching ahead, a long line of numbers till the crack of doom. Starting with a three day week, is a slow easing back into it, but I'd be lying if I said I feel fully rested.

As far as making any kind of personal resolutions go, I guess taking better care of myself has to be one of them. I need to start eating properly, not just random bits of junk. I could probably do with cutting down on smoking, I can't really see me giving up, but I must stop running myself into the ground.
2007 mentally and physically exhausted me. I'm not going to let 2008 do the same. I don't think I've quite achieved all I want just yet.

2008, well, it will mark thirty years of my existence on this mortal coil. The start of the downhill slope. It's certainly the year I kiss goodbye to the excesses of youth. It was an eventful twenties, though how constructive it was, I'm not probably not the best judge.

There's a lot I hope lies buried in 2007. Not just from that year, but baggage I carried from long before. Some crosses we will never stop carrying, but one should at least try to make use of them, in a positive way.
I'm alive. I'm not broken. I have a home, friends, music. I even have a blog.

Not much more to want, really.

It could all have gone a lot worse.

This is the year I hope everything works out, that in this year life really lives up to the hopes that have appeared in it of late. A balanced life, a stable life, maybe even a contented one.

Struggle? Of course. Life is a struggle, life is endurance.
Sometimes it really that really is all it is.

But there are joys in the little things that once I would have took for granted, but know now cannot be.

A good game of football, a decent pint, a good CD. Having your mates nearby.

A ggod chat. Laughing.
Sitting on the sofa with friends watching Spiderman III and making stupid comments all the way through.
Being the object of the shameless flirtations of a fairly forward nineteen year old girl. It's nice to know that you you can be flattered but ethical at the same time, though the temptation was certainly strong.

Over the last few months I have seen the tantalising hopes of genuine fulfillment. Goodbye, at last to the illusory ones.

2008? The year life starts to make sense?

I'm cautiously optimistic.


Anonymous said...

(1) I've known plenty of people who managed to keep their childhood excesses going way past the age of 30. They don't really stop cold, after all, but simply fade.

(2) As tantalizing as the fullfilment might be, I'm hoping at least you have fun in the pursuit of it.

(3) I love the 1984 theme of the blog. Whatever we do in life, we can all be thankful that we're not re-writing back issues of The Times of London.

Anonymous said...

It is a good thing--to feel the temptation and know that you can politely decline the offer. But, it's OK to give in every now and then, given the right circumstances. Both are good for you.

Blogging is undoubtedly the best decision I made last year. Sticking with it will be quite easy--given that my time for it remains free. It can be a bit of drain in that regard. But as I said before, the time I spend now used to spent at the bar, or at places of illicit commerce, or driving aimlessly...

Some see this as a waste--but that's only the people who don't know blogging beyond a buzzword that they hear on the media. They are the ones wasting their time, if one wants to flip the table. Everything is relative.

And best hopes for the people of Kenya. In one night they went from the most stable democracy in the region to the brink of tribal warfare and atrocity. They are even killing Red Cross members based on tribal affiliation. May they find their way through this disturbing period in their recent history.

Anonymous said...

When one looks back on life one realizes that some of the most fulfilling moments were those times spent with friends and kindred spirits, doing simple things together.

Yes sometimes there are big explosions of happiness but one needs the ordinary times to balance them out. Most of us don't live or want to live on a constant high. It's too exhausting.

Anonymous said...

It's okay to give in to a 19 year old. I tempted a 30 year old when I was 19 and we have now been married 20 years.

Just remember many decisions in life have unforseen consequences.

Happy new year.

Mrs S.

Anonymous said...

Ethical? ;-) I'm all for age gaps... LOL. I guess I'd say that if one were to set a limit, twice one's age would be pretty alright...;-)

Anonymous said...

I hope you have a very happy year, Crushed. 30 the start of the downhill slope? - Oh, my goodness!

Anonymous said...

I'm on the same wavelength here. Good look with your new year wishes.

Anonymous said...

CBI: I passed 30 some time ago and still don't feel any older than 8. The only difference is no-one has asked me for ID for 12 years, although owing to this fascist govt, that will soon change.

As for age gaps - I can't think of anything more stimulating! It's kept me going for the last 7 years!

Anonymous said...

My excesses have been fading for a while. At a certain age wondering round city centres clad in a black T-shirt and clutching a bottle of water at 6AM looking for taxis starts to look a little like clinging to youth.

Eric- OK, now this bit is true. Here mother was in the same venue. I pointed out to her mother that her daughter was shamelessly flirting (her dancing included a relative positioning of head to crotch that was NOT decent) with a man TEN years her senior, but her mother seemed unconcerned.

I think blogging is one of my best, it is a drain on time, but most people spend two hours on SOAP OPERAS a night.

It is hard, I think for true democracy to flourish in artificially created units where tribal loyalties are such all powerful entities. Though there are many other factors, I think.

jmb- I chased the constant high for much of my life. I'm starting to find things to replace it with. This is one of them.

Mrs S- I'm always conscious of age gap, with regard to males being older, anyway. It makes me uneasy. At the moment my somewhat arbitrary lower limit is 23.

Eve- There is always the danger the older party will exploit the younger. There is a huge difference in life experience.

Welshcakes- It feels like it. I never planned beyond thirty. In a sense I really do not know what it is I want.

Ellee- Much appreciated:)
And best wishes to you too.

TD- I last got asked for ID twelve years ago as well :) Although I was never very big, that perpetual greyness of the jaw struck early in my case.

Everyone here seems to be less concerned about the age gap thing. Am I being too moral or something?

Anonymous said...

> Everyone here seems to be less concerned about the age gap thing. Am I being too moral or something?

Strangely, I hardly even see it as an age gap. You're both young :-) Not much difference, a little more or less :-) *The only concern women have with it is this; all those I've spoken to have warned, "Women live longer than men, so you're going to be alone for a pretty long time"

So if anyone should be concerned, it’s your girl, especially with you smoking the way you do;-) you’ll be fortunate to make it past 60 before COPD becomes really bad, and you can hardly walk to the bathroom without being breathless *case study; 72-year-old patient of mine, smoked a 20-cigarette pack every day for the past 50 years. He’s pretty lucky, cos I've met 50-year-olds who got lung cancer; he was perfectly all right til 69, but now he can never breathe without effort ;-) But that’s just one patient… it’s probably worse in your country, what with the cold weather… could easily die of pneumonia. So it was a good resolution of yours, to cut down on smoking :-)

Hmmm… if you're worried about yourself taking advantage of her, then don't ;-) Heheheheh

Anonymous said...

Wishing you a year of stability and reflection, then!