Wednesday 23 January 2008

Depressed Crushed

I think it's true to say I think I'm possibly falling apart slowly.

I guess I'm sick of pretending I have even any slight interest in anything at all.

I'm not even sure I can be bothered to get out of bed tomorrow.

I'm tired, tired in a way you cannot understand.

I'm thirty in forty three days.
And I've played my last hand.

I wonder. Thirty years from now, will I be staggering out of the pub back to this flat on a Saturday afternoon and lieing in a stupour on the sofa watching the football results come in?

Will the microwave ping to let me know my Rustler Burger is ready?
And will a half forgotten memory stir in my head that once upon a time I actually did something constructive with my life?

Something to do with a red V sign.

And will my addled brain remember that one at time it could process more complex things than betting slips?

Will I remember that at one time I looked good in a suit?
That I was a petite little pretty boy, with specially cultivated curls which I could chew on if I pulled them straight?

I've spent all day brooding on this. Most of last week in fact.

I didn't do very well with the living fast, dieing young and leaving a good looking corpse. Too late for that.

I guess there's a time for everything.

And sometimes there's a time for realising that your life is just screwed up beyond repair and you might as well just anaethetise yourself any free moment you have, to get through the bloody thing as quickly as possible.

Man cannot live by bread alone.

Hope. Or plenty of Alcohol. You need one of the two.

Am I being depressing?

Yes, OK. I'm depressed.

The flat is spotless. That's usually a HUGE giveaway that I'm in a state of nervous tension. I haven't got the measuring tape out yet and started measuring the positions of the chairs to check they are flush, but I can see it coming (Yes, I DO do this when I'm really wound up. I'm not a cleanliness freak, but I am a symmetry freak. I do have a slight OCD about symmetry and when I'm wound up, it drives me mad. As an aside I'm going to tell you all something that people who know me well will make sure to remember, or deliberately forget, because they know it really annoys me. Embassy cigarettes, have a diagonal red band on them, pretty much the same width as a cigarette lighter. When I put my cigarettes down, I always put the lighter flush with the band. If people use the lighter and then put it back not flush, I will immediately position it correctly.

Put bluntly, this living on your own business sucks. I can't even concentrate to write a post and it takes me three times as long to read other people's posts.

I can't be bothered to cook and have had burgers and onion rings alternately with sausage and bacon sandwiches for a fortnight.

I'm really trying to summon up the will to carry on with the posts on the history of human systems, and the series of posts which is supposed to follow, but I just feel as if the life has been sucked out of me.

I was talking to Dizzy today. Here is the conversation;
Dizzy: Oh, look at your sad little face! What's wrong, you're not yourself.
Me: Oh, nothing. I'm OK.
Dizzy: It's not this being thirty thing is it?
Me: Partly, I guess.
Dizzy: That man on the internet isn't calling you Charles Manson again is he? (I did show her that, not that she understands any of it)
Me: No, no. Though that's partly it as well I guess. He doesn't let up. He believes it as well, you know.
Me: Dizzy, do you fancy coming to Brighton?
Dizzy: Who else is going?
Me: No, just me and you. For the weekend.
Dizzy: Oh, Crushed, we've been through this. I'm WITH SOMEONE.
Me: Yes, but no one need know. And it's not like that. I just really want to go to Brighton with you. I like you, Dizzy. A lot.'

And it's not about sex, I don't want sex with her. She's just really nice and I really want to be close to someone right now. Just for the weekend.

I may be turning thirty but I feel like I've returned to adolescence.


Anonymous said...

I have been there Mr I, and I know how dark it can be. I am not in the business of handing out trite advice but if you want a chat then do give me a ring...

Anonymous said...

*Troubled* Not much that I can say, either. That's what it's like living alone, especially if one doesn't have a regular friend to talk to. I can't see any solution to the flatmate problem... *or maybe that's just a red herring, and there are deeper things involved* *perhaps joining a new group would help? meet new ppl, distract yourself a little*

Anonymous said...

Well I'm not one for advice because I think it's quite clear I haven't a clue with how to deal with my own problems without chipping in on anyone else's but; maybe the first step would be to change one, small thing?

Change your diet, maybe your moring routine, anything. It's so easy to get stuck in a rut day to day. Pulling yourself out of it might make yourself feel a bit better.

Do something different.

Anonymous said...

Oh, dear. I'm sorry you're feeling depressed, Crushed and I wish I could say there is a quick way through it. But you have GOT to hang on in there because it IS worth it. Would you be allowed to have a pet in your flat? It's just a suggestion. You will not end up as a couch potato because you are too bright for that. I can only tell you that there is life after 30 and in many ways it is better because you start to prioritise more. Auguri from Sicily.

Anonymous said...

Luckily these things are self limiting so better is coming. I am hoping sooner rather than later.

I'm sure that you know alcohol is a depressant. Just a thought, not a suggestion.

I need some of this nervous tension so I could make my place spotless and symmetric.

Anonymous said...

First time commenter, long time reader blah blah.
Mr crushed, 30 is the new 18 didn't you know?
In the mean time have a look at this, it offers sage advice that is relevant to you.

Anonymous said...

My Friend, you will rise from the ashes.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I'm contentious, too and am rash & harsh, and blah, blah, I see by your other post you're feeling more positive, but, really, I'm glad you write.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes we've gotta had bad days to realise just how great the good days are.

You're only human. We all have fuct up days.

Anonymous said...

Exercise is what you need.... start jogging...the results will be amazing.. believe me I know :-)

Anonymous said...

Mutley- It's just I tend to need constant stimulation. I'm smoking way more right now, I seem to have a fag every half hour.

Eve- I'm going out as much as I can. I am feeling a bit lonely, I guess, when I get in.
This does provide a distraction, it's going to bed I find hard. Going to sleep in an empty flat.

Oestrebunny- My morning routine is pretty rigid, it's efficient down to a T.
It has to be. In fact, most of my life is, because I have to keep tight schedules to fit everything in.

Welshcakes- I'm not really supposed to have a pet, and I'm out too much, really.
I could end up a couch potato, last time I lived alone I got into the habit of coming in and just sitting on the sofa channel surfing. Of course, I didn't have a blog then.

jmb- You're right that alcohol is a depressant. I woke up feeling depressed this morning (The Baker got me absolutely hammered last night), but- and this is true- reading all the nice comments here snapped me out of it.

The kitchen is now a tip again, the nervous tension seems to have worn off :)

Barnsley Bill- 18 seems so long ago...
I was a very naive 18, I think.

I shall certainly read your sage advice.

Enigma- Yes, I think so. I seem to survive one way or the other.

Helen- As I am that you do. It's good to think, but better to share thought.

And you are one of the commentors that makes it all worth it :)

Miss S- Yes, I think we need to sink in the mud sometimes to properly appreciate the beauty of life.

I suppose this is kind of the moral of the Buddha story.

Sometimes getting through crap can be its own reward.

Anonymous said...

Sally- Exercise, possibly. I'm usually pretty tired when I get in. I enjoy my job, but it can be stressful.
I probably just need a really good night out.

Anonymous said...

No crushed ... execise is what you need it wakes you up when tired and fills you full of energy try it you will be surprised...even if you just go for a brisk walk BUT not to the pub :-)

Anonymous said...

Why don't you go and see your doctor ? Don't let this get any worse.

Escilotopram works really well for me with NO side effects, but it needs to be prescribed.

Remember that spring is just around the corner - the days will start to get longer and brighter and ...

something good will turn up - it always does.

Anonymous said...

Sally IS right about exercise. Add to that diet too. Make sure that you're getting fresh veg and fruit and grill rather than fry.

Avoid alcohol binges as the lows afterwards are terrible.

Curiously some of us are precious about our depressions and see them as a form of martyrdom - an ingrained part of our character to be suffered and endured as some sort of trial as though it makes us special. It would be a mistake to think like this and you ought to actively seek to cure it starting right now.

Around three weeks of taking the pills was all it took and all my depression had gone - life is so much better without it.

In fact - what utter bliss to be free of it !

Above all I remembered to live in the here and now - enjoy the moment and savour the simple things around me.

Anonymous said...

Those dark places are hard, especially when asking for help (which is one of the hardest parts) doesn't go as well as expected, thus making you less likely to try again. I'm glad your birthday celebrations cheered you up a little.