Thursday 6 March 2008

Best Before Day Due: Reduced to Clear

I'm middle aged tomorrow.

I'm an old Crushed.
Not that you'd notice. Look closely at the perma-stubble and the lines in the forehead, but I still have the physique of a child, and still act like one much of the time.

I really am too young to be this old. Twas not meant to be. Oh, whatever happened to living fast, dieing young, leaving a good looking corpse.

This being thirty business sucks.
I'm just not ready for it.
Where did my twenties go?

Not got a lot to show for thirty years, that's for sure.

What do you do with your thirties?
I never worked that one out. Never wanted thirties things, like mortgages, wives, pensions, lawnmowers, barbecue kits, greenhouses, four wheeled drives.

I don't really want to say goodbye to music, parties, clubbing, football, pubs, women.

Thirties. Hmmm. Now I'm here, better figure it out.

Less clubbing and related hedonism, undoubtably a good thing, and seems to be the trend things are taking. The rest, well, that's all good really.

A bit more of a lifeplan, would seem a good start. Doing the career thing in slightly less of an amateur way, seems a good way forward.

Aside from that, what will be, will be. Just see where the journey goes, I guess. I have some ideas where I'd like it go, but there's no point trying to rigidly plan these things.

I think maybe moving away from the whole nihilistic death wish thing, would really a good place to start.
It's too late to be James Dean.

I know what I'm looking for, but if I don't find it, it's because I found something different.
Or at least, that seems to be what the life I've led so far has taught me.

Life is serendipity. You can spend your life in self-destroying misery at not getting what you thought you wanted, or in genuinely feeling enlightened, by what comes your way.

What is the life so full of care, if we have not time to stop and stare?

I might be partying for a bit.


Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday.

Just kick back and enjoy the ride my friend.

Anonymous said...

Middle-aged? Do you think 60 is the end now? You are not an old Crushed. I am an old JMB but I did not accept that until I turned 70. You are but a spring chicken.

You will be exactly the same tomorrow as you are today.

Living fast, dying young and leaving a good looking corpse has absolutely nothing to recommend it.

I'm glad to see that this is on the whole a positive post, so I think there is some level of acceptance here.

Happy Birthday this Friday Crushed and have a great birthday celebration. I'm sure those great friends of yours have something fun planned.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday to you - happy birthday to you -
happy birthday dear Crushed by Ingsoc......

Happy birthday to you!

By the way I am 44 and haven't figured out anything much either...

Anonymous said...

Secretly I long for my thirties...can't be any worse than you're 20s

Happy Birthday :)

Anonymous said...

happy birthday...:-)
i wonder if part of this is to do with being thirty and still being alone...? giving advice which i myself should have taken long ago, good things are worth waiting for *regrets past for a moment*.... so perhaps being older will bring its blessings :-)

Anonymous said...

I cook for you special birthday meal we eat together nude in bath tubs if you like and ask me.

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday, Crushed!

Anonymous said...

Middle aged used to start at 40- I'd say it is 50 these days.

When I was 21, we had a mate who was 30 but didn't look (or act) it. When we found out, we were shocked, 30 sounded *fucking old*...

Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

(1) Since when has thirty been middle-aged? 1910?

That period of your life is where it's at, really. You have more authority, and people tend to take you more seriously. Many people are at their physical peak at that time (I was), and their intellectual skills develop further, provided that that they haven't stagnated.

(2) Love the James Dean comment. But I suspect you have quite a bit to go. You're not even to the halfway point.

When my dad was 35, I would hear him swearing in the middle of the night. He told me that he had just realized that he had "living for the first thirty-five years, and now Im dying." In other words, he lammented the fact that he had lived most of his life.

Or so he thought then. He had much better years to come. And in three years, he'll be 71, which means his original prediction was off. And since his health is good, looks like it's gonna be way off.

You, my friend, are just starting out on the adventure. Partying's good. Stopping to smell the flowers is good. Enjoying the ride is really good.

(3) Happy Belated Birthday.

Anonymous said...

Many happy returns, Crushed, many of them!

Anonymous said...

Jeez, (although even himself only made it to 33) I am sooo much older than you yet I've done loads less and I don't much give a fuck about being and stuff.

Read Dante. The beginning of the Inferno is a classic midlife crisis and is surely intended as such (albeit 35 rather than 30).

Read Jung (if you haven't already).

I've done both and, to be fair, I don't feel any better.

Hey ho. It's cold down there, I don't really think I fancy it at all.

Anonymous said...

Buon compleanno - a bit late - and you will get to grips with establishing yourself when you are ready, Crushed. Meanwhile, keep partying!

Anonymous said...

Grendel- I did, it was an interesting couple of days.
It was a good birthday, really.

jmb- That's if I make it that long!

It just seems old, when I was very little, my parents were in their thirties.

I think it's too late for the good looking corpse :)

I did have a good time- and hardly spent anything either. It was a bit chaotic at times, in fact I was two hours late getting to the little party that work had organised, but everything worked out for the best.

Mutley- I don't know whether we ever do. Sometimes just as you think you've got all figured out, somerhing happens to alter your whole worldview.
That's part of the fun of it :)

Oestrebunny- Your twenties are great! Life is so EASY. You'll never have it so good, trust me.

As long, of course, as you don't make the mistakes I did. But I think you're wiser than I was.

Eve- It's possible. We can but hope.
I'm not really THAT alone, mind.

Mu Tai- Sounds great. Ready when you are!

Sean- cheers Sean!

Shades- People can be shocked to find out I'm that old- or in some cases that young. In some ways I don't seem thirty, but in others I can appear to be quite a bit older.

I think it will be a while before I'm laying down patios and putting up shelves though.

x-dell- I think in many ways my thought processes are a lot more developed than they were ten years ago.

My health does sometimes concern me, in little ways. I mean, I'm actually extraordinarily healthy, but a few little things (all smoking related, I think) do cause me some concern.

Partying is always good, and I certainly did a fair bit over the last few days. The good thing is, you seem to be a lot more sensible about it, as you get older.
The excess is the same, the stupidity that goes with it, is gone.

Ian- Cheers! It's a milestone I guess, we'll see where the road goes next.

TD- Not all I've done was particularly sensible, but I've always been the impulsive type. At the end of the day, it's all experience and even your mistakes trach you something.

I think Dante is describing a midlife crisis- I think he had a lot to deal with at this point. Quite what I make of his Beatrice obsession, is difficult to say, but I find DC possibly the best work to read to really get to grips with the paradigm of Catholic thought.

Jung, I'm not overly familiar with, sometimes I find his ideas a little pseudo-scientific. I can't agree with the idea of a collective subconscious, it's too Lamarckian.

Ah, you notice that. When people see 'wait till Hell freezes over', I always refer them to the last cantos of the Inferno.

Welshcakes- Much excess on the partying front, but I can still hack it :)

I think I have a good chance now. I had a nice long chat with my boss Friday night. There are some good possibilities there. It's nice to know, you really do have a future, that your abilities in your field are respected. I'm feeling pretty positive on that front.
I just need to actually stop pratting about and take work more seriously, rather than doing what I'm doing now.
As my boss said, I have a job for life, it's just WHAT job I want to have for life.

Anonymous said...

Hope you've had a happy birthday. I remember my 30s.Like Mutley, I'm 44 (45 in a couple of weeks). There's no mystery, no secret - just see where your 30s take you.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Crushed.

Anonymous said...

Wow 30. Happy Birthday. That was over 18 years ago for me. I was just graduating for the second time and starting my first and only real career. No sure what to say. I am not much of a planner and have seemed to back into some good situations. Not all good, but many good things. Just be glad for what you and your friends and family have and hope for the best.

Anonymous said...

Please! Thirty is not old! Not even close...

Happy belated birthday.

Anonymous said...

Jams- I had a good time, certainly.

I think my 20s were kind of a learning curve. I was always the kind of child who if you told not to touch the iron, would touch the iron just to see what happened.

Well I've found out the answer to most of those things now :)

Ms S- Thanks! I think I finally started breathing about this day thirty years ago (I didn't master that for a few days).

Colin- No planning at all really, I've just gone with the flow. It's gone some funny places.

But good friends, I seem to have at least done that bit right.

Ruthie- Well, all I can say is, I've been younger.
It's been suggested to me that I'm really getting way too old for stylised curls draping down in front of my eyes- that it can be done at twenty, even at twenty five, but starts to look silly at thirty.

To me, that's getting old :)

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday Crushed. I know you aren't the type to let a number define you, in the long run, so don't mope too much ;)