Monday 17 March 2008

Love- Being Constructive About It

Yes, ANOTHER post on the subject.
But don't worry, I think this is the concluding one.

I think it has to be said, falling in love can be a particularly stupid thing to do. People in love, behave in completely stupid ways. In some ways, it's like a pre-frontal lobotomy. And that's the best case scenario.
The worst case scenario, of course, is it becomes a catalyst for pure evil.

Sometimes I think that everything happens for a reason, that the ordeals you go through, are journeys set for you, horrors you must endure to get to grips with some truth that has been eluding you.

There's no point in raking up old ground too much, except to say that one point over the last year, I almost began to believe that the devil was real and had assumed human form. Common sense quickly overrode this proposition, but the malice was real, the hatred and venom were real, and trying to make sense of that was hard. Assuming the other party to actually BE Lucifer in disguise, seemed almost believable.

I suppose you always go back logically and check your actions, and see what your initial mistake was. How did you bring this upon you?

I suppose the roots lie in total thoughtlessness. As The Baker often says, it's a crucial error, to assume everyone thinks the same way as you.

The problem is, I suppose, up till now, the word Love has had four different meanings to me.

One is, for everybody. 'I Love you mate'. It means little more than 'I have no reason to dislike you right now'. It's a general principle. Try to love everybody, be promiscuous in that sense. Avoid having enemies. As far as possible, give them what they want, and tell them what they want to hear. Life's easier that way.

Second, is the GENUINE sense. Mates, your parents dogs, etc. Birmingham City Football Club. Things I actually do care about.

Third, is the sense most women get it. I've never put much effort into thinking about it. Most, if not all, women are CAPABLE of giving you SOME kind of warm, fuzzy, possibly even slightly erotically charged sensation, which isn't really what is meant by Love, but, I'm afraid, that's often what I've used it for. Essentially, what I mean is 'I REALLY get a lot of these conversations.' or 'Damn, that felt GOOD.'

But, it's like Oscar Wilde said, people aren't so much good or bad, they are charming, or they are tedious.
Fact is, it is entirely dependant on me having that warm fuzzy feeling. But out of sight, out of mind.

This has been a problem. Because I like being made to feel good. I'm not overly fussed about who's doing it though. I just like being petted and pampered. Pet and pamper me, I'll tell you I love you. Start shouting at me, I will dislike you very quickly.

The problem of course, is that I couldn't quite remember, that that isn't REALLY the kind of love people are on about.

Somewhere deep within me, I think, I always knew that. And somewhere, locked within me, that Love did exist. Where it had been since October 1997. With Joanna. Only I'd forgotten what that felt like. It really is true, I knew how much it had pained me, but I had become numb to it. I no longer felt it.

I suppose it is slightly irresponsible to go round letting women think you want to spend your life with them, when what you're really saying is 'I'm not fussed either way, I doubt I'll ever actually fall in love again, so just don't bug me, and you never know, it could work out', but that's exactly what I've done all my life. I don't think I'd quite faced up to it though.

An ultimately fruitless strategy, at best making do, at worst- Jesus, let's not even go there!

I suppose I needed to finally say Goodbye to Joanna to realise that.

So why am I suddenly able to say Goodbye to Joanna?

Partly, because I've finally got to grips with the dynamic.
I've seen the evil that can happen.
But in a sense, that dark edge, has in itself been enlightening. It is only by seeing all that is wrong with human emotions, that you can see the bright side of them.
One can grasp something theoretically, one has to see it in practice, for it to make sense.

Finally seeing, that it isn't always to your advantage to have someone in love with you, that that in itself can be curse, a hindrance, a blight on your existence, has been an eye opener.

There is short story by HG Wells entitled Pollock and the Porrah Man. It is about a soldier in Africa, who is cursed by a witchdoctor (The Porrah Man), so he has the witchdoctor killed. The Assasin brings him the head, which he throws away, but the head keeps following him- dogs dig it up, the captain of his ship finds it, it just won't go away. Nothing he can do, can rid him of this curse. In the end, every round object he sees, becomes the head of the Porrah Man, in his mind.
The story ends, with him taking his own life.

The moral to the story? Don't kill witchdoctors who curse you. Or maybe there's a wider message.

It is a dark world. Because there are twisted variants of this whole love business. Pure Love, is loving the person, unconditionally, and regardless.
Now the whole point is, it doesn't need requiting.

When you offer someone your love, the point is, the offer in itself, proves it is the wrong kind. What you ACTUALLY love, is a DESIRE to HAVE them.
Otherwise, you love them regardless of whether the offer is accepted.

It is quite shocking to realise that someone really is in Love with you, but not for YOU, your interests mean nothing to them. They don't want- or care- what's best for you. They want what's best for THEM being with you.

Ultimately, they wouldn't make the ONLY sacrifice, that distinguishes pure love, from the twisted kind.
Loving someone enough, to just walk out of their life. Loving someone enough to realise that if you really care about making them happy, you will free them.

Loving someone enough to realise, that the only thing stopping them being happy is YOU.
It's a hard fact, I think for people to accept. And by not accepting it, people truly do walk the road to evil, because every action taken in this frame of mind, can only lead to harm.

Too many people stay together, for the wrong reasons. It's not true that all couples argue. It's said that couples don't try hard enough in relationships. I disagree. They persist too long, because they don't want to admit, that in fact, they don't like the person as much as they did in the first month or so. Their hormones deceived them.

People try too hard to make things work. Why? Give up on it. It's really not worth it. If it's meant to be, you wouldn't be arguing.

I think passion is the problem. Passions get involved and people can't control them. Sometimes it's better to be practical and realise that the real dynamics of the situation are negative.
I still think it's possible- and in fact common- for people to have a powerful connection, but still, nevertheless, they should NOT be together. They do not complement eachother, they are bad for eachother.

Sometimes, you can love someone the wrong way, that Love does become evil. I suppose, there is only one way you can know. Would you sacrifice any possibility of having them, to make them happy?

Or if something or someone that wasn't you, made them happy, in a way you never could, would you hate that something or someone that fulfilled them in a way you never could?

I suppose in reality, Love really does ask for NOTHING.

Joanna needed to come off the pedestal, because she was a lament. And she needed to come off the pedestal, because she has no place in MY here and now. I don't need her any more.
Quite why, is a little too complex to explain.

But I have discovered that there are other women out there equally deserving of being on pedestals, and I'm happy putting them there.

And how should you treat them?

Worship her, adore her, daydream about her, cherish her, care about her.
But NEVER desire her.

And do the best you can to make her happy.
Accepting of course, that you are NOT the man who is going to do that :)

Help her find the men who will.

Love is about adoring and worshipping, not owning, its not a bargain.
Love her, even if she'll never be yours.

Stop loving the reflection of you that you see in another's eyes.

Learn to just wonder in amazement at the beautiful person they are, give in to the warm glow they give you.

And give thanks for that.
Give thanks that you have the privilege to even KNOW them.

Free Your Love. Give it, stop trading it.


Anonymous said...

Very thoughtful post, there is so much I could say on this...

Anonymous said...

> Pet and pamper me, I'll tell you I love you. Start shouting at me, I will dislike you very quickly.
I think that's normal for everyone. We're not all like God, able to love a people who reject him :-) With our love, it needs sustenance... it doesn't thrive on hardship, especially if it isn't that strong ...

> People try too hard to make things work. Why? Give up on it. It's really not worth it. If it's meant to be, you wouldn't be arguing.
Hmmm... I believe here that 'meant to be' is what you both make of it *i.e., both partners have to work at it. When one gives up trying, that's when it's not 'meant to be'*

> But NEVER desire her.
And do the best you can to make her happy. Accepting of course, that you are NOT the man who is going to do that :)
Ahh... yes, that clause was needed. If what she wants if for you to be the one to make her happy, though, it's no use for you to do all the rest of it without desiring her; without being 'desired', you'd be cheating her of what other women have..

> Stop loving the reflection of you that you see in another's eyes.
Actually, I like this statement, only I wouldn't say 'stop'. After all; let's say someone sees you as beautiful and good, and someone else doesn't. Wouldn't you rather be with the former, because when you're with them, you see yourselves through their eyes? And in so doing, you're transformed; you begin to live as if you were as good as they believe you are.... In fact, it's as good a reason as any, I think, to love someone for the reflection of yourself that you see in their eyes ;-)

Anonymous said...

I suppose it is slightly irresponsible to go round letting women think you want to spend your life with them

Understatement of the centuray perhaps?

I do agree with you later on though, if it was meant to be, you shouldn't need to try so hard. A lot of people do stay together for all the wrong reasons and stop looking to what is right.

Anonymous said...

love is just something to spear you through the heart and make you feel shit

sorry slight "blurt" there

no love is wonderful, tremendous, heartmeltingly waterful, like the melting icecaps... yeah

so why is MY heart still so bloody sub-Siberian?!?!?!?!????


Anonymous said...

Once again you amaze me Crushed. That you can dash off this before or after going to the pub.
It must be constantly swirling around in your mind.
To be in love and be loved in return is the most wonderful thing in the world. But to have someone love you whom you don't love or love someone who doesn't love you is hell on earth.

Better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all. I don't really believe that. But I do think that to let someone go who does not love you is the right thing to do, painful as all getout but right.

Anonymous said...

Cherrypie- You have to remember, It's the end of a LONG thought process. Literally, years have thought are summed up in this post- or the result of the ultimate development of that thought process.

Eve- You're right, and to be honest, I'm actually quite emotionally demanding. Some would say I'm an emotional vampire, but I think that's unfair.
I need continuous bursts of constant stimulation, buzzing off people basically, interspersed with little breaks of reflection time to gather my thoughts. That's how I live. I really can't cope well with irritations. Challenges yes, irritations, no.

Well Eve, in this instance, I'm not the one to try. Being brutal, I can't be bothered. It's not worth it. I've got friends, I've got interests, I don't REALLY need a woman. It would be nice, if I could find my ideal vision, but I'm not giving nothing up, and not altering any aspects of my life as I currently lead it.

This is the mistake, because that's why the intial period is great. There's nothing so uplifting as watching someone fall in love with you. Here's the problem. If you can spot, that although they won't admit it, they ARE starting to fall for you, tempation is, to love their falling in love with you, and want more.


And then two months later you realise 'But actually they're a pretty crap personality, really. They bore me senseless and my mates hate them'.

Trust me, it's a never ending cycle.

Oestrebunny- Well then, it's a good job that we have already established that we have irredeemably irreconcilable views on the subject of children, and therefore the subject could never rear it's head :)

I am the master of understatement. A couple of drinks, it's not the cheapest, that sort of thing.

They do. Chimney Sweep's sister H, did that. I think there's 'Fall for Visa seekers gene in the family, because she married this Mexican George, who basically, well, had this non-existant band that he acted as a roadie for, if you get what I mean, and she took him back, even though the Chimney Sweep and myself had almost given him a proper hiding at this barbecue for just completely disrespecting her in fron her face with this black chick dressed as a nun.
Anyway, after the two year statutary period, he buggered off again.

Shame for H though, she's a smashing girl. If she weren't CS's sister, I'd probably look at her almost romantically, she's that nice. But it would feel like incest.

Gledwood- It can do, I suppose, if you just want to own someone. That's desire. If you try move over more to the platonic variety, which doesn't want to own, and which can, I think, be in many ways DEEPER than the desiring somebody type, you always feel the warm feeling.

jmb- In this case, sandwiched round the trip to the pub. I stopped halfway through to catch the second half of Birmingham- Newcastle.
We drew.

It is pretty much. People I think too much, and really I do. I do it constantly non stop, which is why I often just can't sleep. I'm not so ggod in one to one conversation (as opposed to geoups), because I have a tendancy to let my mind wonder. Same in meetings. Or TV- can't watch it if I'm alone in the room, can't focus on it.

I think on the way to work, I've done pitches with half my mind on the Cambrian Explosion, really, the inside of my head is, I often realise, racing at a constant rate, that most people can't really appreciate it. In RL, it does come out, in the high octane, stream of consciousness diatribes I can launch into in front of close friends, pretty much like my posts are written, but much longer.

IT is hell on earth, I had it with Claire.
And the worst of it was, it was a fairly naked dynamic. I know she knew, and she knew I knew.
Because she told me. She told me when she was concussed after a car accident. She actually said 'Do you know why I hate you? Because (She named her previous boyfriends), they all loved me. And I didn't love them. But I love you. And I know you don't love me. And that's why I hate you.'

And me? What did I do?

I looked out the window, sucked in my breath and I thought of Joanna.

Both of us pretended the conversation never happened.

But it did. And it ruled everything ever after.

The entire relationship was dominated by mutual distrust, jealousy, pointless sex and some lovely daytrips round English Heritage sites, because really, it was the only thing we had in common.

Shouldn't have got into it. Don't fall in love with them falling in love with you. That's how I ended up with Claire.

Problem is, I really don't know how to go about going for a woman who isn't falling in love with you.
Never done it.