Wednesday 19 March 2008

What Crushed Got Up to, August- September 2006

Tonight's post is a little different.

It's a little story. It didn't happen THAT long ago, but before this blog existed. Before it was a bit of byte in its creator's eye.
And obviously had too much time on my hands.

One person reading this knows SOME of the story. They also know, that it says everything about my character, and that it shows that I'm indecisive, vacillating, irresponsible and careless, rather than- as they pretend, devious, manipulative, exploitative and nasty. A game player maybe. Capricious, certainly. Not respectable. But not a total bastard either.

Long terms readers, will know the background within which the story is set. Someone on my blogroll actually had a walk on part in it, as bride/groom, and they know- much of it.

My close friends know all of it, except the one part, the part I myself don't know the answer to, and the fact that this question is really starting to really bug me at the moment, is partly why I'm getting this out of my system.

And we might as well state now, what the question is, then we'll start the story.

Question is, is my child's first birthday coming up soon?

Right OK.
Here goes.

We need to start at the Chimney Sweep's Thirtieth. That would be June 2006. Now, that part, how he met the now MRS Chimney Sweep, the stag do etc, the posts are in the archives, you know the whole concern I had about visas and all that, it's there.
What I didn't mention was the huge crush I had on Mrs CS's sister.

The Keisha Buchanan look alike.

And crush it was. My usually loud, brashness would turn in to rosy faced shyness around her.
I mean, not in a major way, I had no qualms about indulging my vices in her presence, I just got all nervous and giggly talking to her. Because I knew damn well that she was bloody enjoying watching me get a hard on looking in to her eyes.

She had me under her little finger, playing with me, like a cat with a ball of wool.

Fast forward.


Crushed goes out for drinks from work, Friday.

Crushed gets seduced by office slut on heat.

Crushed wakes up, post-seduction, having vowed earlier just to sleep in the same bed, but somehow having done the dirty deed three times, no protection, no questions asked, due at a wedding in two hours.

At Dudley Registry Office.
Which is a nightmare to find, if you don't know Dudley. It's hidden in the grounds of Dudley Castle.
Which also has a ZOO.
Go figure.

Quite why I thought it was a great idea to bring Kelly, I'm not sure.
Never seen two women get married before.

Lisa, it was Strange.
Don't do it again.

Of course I lie a bit here, I didn't see the actual ceremony, because we were late, but we stayed for four hours in the pub afterwards, so the thought counts.
Anyway, Kelly was, well, VERY affectionate during the day, so I figured I might as well sleep with her again that night.

OK, you get the picture.
I tried to make sure she realised she wasn't a girlfriend or anything, literally, just someone to sleep with, but I think she fell quite quickly.

Now what happened next, is the sort of thing that tends to happen to me, but don't happen to most people, because they're far less careless, tend to think about things, etc. As the Chimney Sweep pointed out, only I would have been so completely stupid as to create a situation such as followed.

Party in Manchester. Specifically been told, elusively by the Baker, that the Chimney Sweep has said I shouldn't bring a woman with me. Specifically. And he has it from Mrs CS (she was already getting close to his heart here).

Quite why, at five o'clock, just as I was about to get on the Manchester train, I decided that if Kelly wanted to come, she could come, and given her fifty quid to go buy a dress, I really don't know.
But it was a stupid choice, the Chimney Sweep says, possibly the stupidest thing he has ever known me do.

As I realised when I met Angela at Piccadilly. As I put my arms around her and I hugged her, we BOTH knew that I was-erm-pleased to see her.

And in the car on the way back to the Baker's flat, it was her sitting in my lap, not Kelly.

At the Baker's I kind of forgot about Kelly. When Kelly came out in her dress, I just said 'You got changed then?'
When Angela came out, I actually stood up and said 'Angela, you look FUCKING stunning. Stunning. I'm sure you know that, but I need YOU to know, that I know it.'

Ach. Insensitive. Thoughtless. The Baker pulled me on it five minutes later, said Kelly had been a bit upset by it.

But it didn't get any better. As the lines flowed, I just kept forgetting about Kelly. We went to a club, and I danced with Angela. I remembered to keep Kelly stocked with drink, but only after Angela.
The Chimney Sweep pulled me on it, and I was a completely Darwinianly cynical, almost brutal bastard about it. 'I know what you're saying dude, I shouldn't have brought her, I'm sorry, but now I'm here, and I can see that if Kelly wasn't here I could really spend more time with Angela, I just want to spend time with Angela. I want to get to know her, maybe cuddle up to her a bit- I'd love her to wrap those long, slender dark arms around me, to feel her hair draped over my face, to hear her talk in a low murmur to me in that beautiful African symphony that is her voice.'

I get quite eloquent on these occasions.

Well, back at the flat, we had a slight problem. I did have a room allocated. It had been allocated to me, on the presumption that me and Angela would click, and have our first night together, though obviously not, at this point, in a sexual way.

Now Kelly also, was going to have sleep in the same bed.
Well Angela went to bed first, and I had a chat with her before she did, basically saying I'd try and solve the problem, I was going back out to the party, and would be back IN the room, when I'd sorted it.

Only that didn't happen, I got distracted in conversation.
I didn't notice Kelly go to bed, or, at this point consider the bizarre conversation taking place at this point up in the bedroom, between Angela and Kelly.

The party cooled off at about four, so I crept back in to the bedroom, to find both of them pretending to sleep, at opposite sides of the bed.
Now Kelly thought this would be a great time to have sex, but since I figured we ALL OF US knew that Angela was only pretending to be asleep, I decided against that clever little of piece of female game playing.

Anyway, Kelly went to sleep for a while, then the Baker came in (about five-, I guess), and said loads more people had just come, from another party that had just finished.
So Angela and me went back out, and I carried on getting battered.

The rest is difficult to follow, I remember the party vividly, but not a lot of what went on back in the bedroom. I think I talked to Angela when Kelly was asleep, and had a quick pointless bonk with Kelly when Angela was asleep, but who'll ever really know? I don't.

The Chimney Sweep rang me on the Monday. Said he thought I should try sort the mess out. He suggested I go over spend the next weekend with him in Coventry, since this was the last weekend before Angela went back to Canada (to finish her degree).

Now I was pretty honest here with Kelly.
Who I had still slept with on the Sunday night. I told her, that I thought I might be in love with Angela, and I needed to find out. I told her not to see what we had as exclusive. I told her, she need feel no guilt about going out Friday night, whilst I was in some Coventry bar with Angela, and finding a man herself. I told her 'I just need to sort this one out in my head. You never know, I might go there, and then decide no, I prefer Kelly.'

Those, I regret to say, were pretty much my exact words.

Well, I didn't do the greatest job in being clear to Angela how I felt about her, or thought I might feel about her, over this Coventry weekend. What was worse, Kelly kept texting, asking for updates, such as 'Do you know yet?'.

Now here, a slight element of disingenuousness on my part, may well have crept in.

I may well have told Angela that she had all the time in the world to decide, I'd wait for ever, if she came back, ever, I'd throw aside whoever I was with, for her.

But at this point, neither of us should see anything as existing between us.

And I may not have mentioned any of this to Kelly. Four people, aside from myself and Angela, know that this conversation happened.

Does it still stand?
God knows. I never think about it these days. I can't speculate on how I'd react if she showed up. Now I've freed myself from Joanna, would she be the new ONE? Or would I just be thinking, 'Are you in it for the visa?'

Now I had told Kelly, that Angela had gone back, and I had decided I wasn't interested in her.
However, I didn't quite cover my tracks.

Back home, there was now a curious development. Kelly decided she was pregnant. She claimed to have taken two tests. She even made me wait for her, while she went to the clinic. I had my suspicions, she might be putting it on, to get attention, try get me to make some sort of commitment to her.

Anyway, we're near the end of the story.

One day, in the pub, she started playing with my mobile. She started opening the inbox and then looked at me. I just shrugged 'Knock yourself out, darl. Nothing to hide.'
I knew I had deleted everything incriminating in the inbox.

Never thought about sent items.

'Angela Angel Angela been thinking about you all day will never forget you keep in touch'.

Not really any getting out of that one. Bang to rights, really.

Well, we chatted for a bit, I got a bit more drunk, and I voiced my suspicions about the phantom pregnancy.
She didn't deny it. Said she had made it all up, to gain attention.

But that's not quite where it ended.

A few days later, we met for a drink, to talk.
She asked me if I wanted to be with her.
I responded by asking her to tell me honestly, if she was pregnant.

This was her answer.

'I'm not telling you. You need to choose now. I don't want you to choose, just because of a baby. If I am, I won't abort it, don't worry. It will live, regardless of whether you are around or not. So you don't need to make your choice, solely because you can't condone abortion'.

I swilled my pint 'That DOES make a difference, I'll be honest.'
I thought for a bit.

'In that case, there isn't any need for us to be involved, not in that sense. I don't actually see the point. That's not to say, we can't stay as friends who have sex from time to time, no reason why not to, if we are parents to the same child.'

She looked at me. 'Come round on weekends the Blues aren't playing? Give your child a lego toy, give me a quick fuck, then down the Star? No child needs a Dad like that. No. If you walk away, that's it. You will never know if you have a child or not. If you walk away, you won't know, because I wouldn't want you involved.'

I looked at her and began to consider. Then I weighed up the likely options. Was she pregnant, was she not. Was she bluffing.

I decided she was bluffing.
I drained my glass, put on my jacket and stood up.

'You ain't pregnant. Goodbye, Kelly.'

She looked startled. 'Is that IT, then? That's IT?'

I shrugged. 'Nothing more to say, is there? Goodbye Kelly, have a nice life.'

Shocked, deafened silence, I realise.

You've just seen, in a matter of paragraphs, the powerfully romantic way I CAN see women, women like Angela, but also now just how ruthless I sometimes am, when I finally stop vacillating, and make decisions.

There is certainly a club somewhere, with female only membership, where my face is a dartboard.

I handled the whole busines with absolutely no tact, thought, care, or much of anything really. What is worse, this sequence of events isn't atypical, far from it, it just happens to rank as one of the worst examples of how I have handled things in my life, and one which feels now, as if it was the source of the negative Karma I seem to have had unleashed upon me, during the undeserved onslaught I was receiving recently from certain quarters online.

As well as leaving me agonising now. Was my judgement call correct?
Here's the problem. I walked away, because I figured, fifty fifty. It's not an issue. She's going to have it anyway. And she's offering you the chance to walk away, fifty percent sure you're a father.

Problem is, that's not enough. I want to know if I have a child out there. I mean, there could be more, but this is one example, where the possibility is quite high, and if so, he/she, will be one year old shortly.

And it affects how I view life. Knowing the answer affects how I look at women. It means that at the back of my mind, that constant battle between really not wanting ever to settle down, but knowing you want children, just to make sure that a bit of you lives on after your death, is over.

And it means that now, you'd actually only settle down IF you WERE in love.

This post has proved one of the following.

I AM a complete bastard.

I'm a flawed, but ultimately very human person, whose personality leads their life to be a constant stream of chaotic incidents.

I'm looking for the right things, but in a very peculiar way.

Don't judge me too much on this post. I really AM a nice guy, I just have a life that seems to have been written by soap opera writers.


Anonymous said...

I AM a complete bastard.

I really AM a nice guy

You can't be both.

Anonymous said...

Would you have felt different if you knew she was telling the truth about having your baby?

Not judging just asking.

Anonymous said...

Oestrebunny- Which is why I offer the choice :)

I've given the facts, you, the readers, decide.

Fact is, I'm not malicious, just capricious. Everyone who knows me even SLIGHLY in RL, would agree with that.
Not reliable. Not in the slightest. But nice. I'll lend you money, GIVE you money, if I don't need it that urgently myself, I'll listen to the deepest, darkest stuff and try help you through it, I give to charity, but I have no sense of moderation, no concept of deferred gratification and generally, I just do what I want, when I want, and deal with the fallout as it happens.

So, bastard or nice guy. YOU decide :)

Cherrypie- You see, one crucial fact that anyone who gets to know me on a personal level, soon discovers, is my passionate anti-abortion views. To me, it's murder. Firstly, because I'm actually quite Catholic still, in a funny way, secondly, I lost what I still see as a son, to this practice.

She knew that. She wanted, I think, to see what I woul do, if I was assured a hypothetical child WOULD live, regardless of my decision.

It would have been a tricky one. And in fact, this is one of my key flaws.
I wouldn't have made the decision myself.
I'd have rung my best mates, got a general consensus, and gone with that.
Worryingly, that is how I deal with decisions I can't actually make myself.

Anonymous said...

"I lost what I still see as a son, to this practice."

I can understand this thought totally and think a woman shouldn't make this choice on her own... though I guess some guys would make that difficult.

Anonymous said...

I'd say she wasn't pregnant. But if I hadn't been sure, would just have played along *after all, it's not too long to wait til the signs show*, but not had sex with her til I knew, just to be proved right ;-)

But if I'd been her, and I HAD been pregnant, I'd have said the same thing she did; choose now :-) (but the reality is that so many commit, then take back their promises later...)

As for that sms she found; if she'd known you, she could still have understood that you don't mean everything you say ;-)

Anonymous said...

I really AM a nice guy, I just have a life that seems to have been written by soap opera writers.

I'm sure you think that but you are writing this soap opera yourself, no one else! Those were all choices you made, even if not with your wits fully about you.

but knowing you want children, just to make sure that a bit of you lives on after your death

That's the worst reason for someone to want to have children you know.

I'm betting she was not pregnant because I think she would have come looking for you. Could be wrong. Actually I'm surprised you have not tried to find out yourself.

Anonymous said...

I'd have said the same as Kelly towards the end, too. What a fascinating insight into the male mind. But you must move on, Crushed.

Anonymous said...

Cherrypie- I got legal advice at the time. Nothing I could do.

Eve- I think I guessed correct, but it's bugging me now.
Hmm, you're first suggestion, would have been unlikely. I tend to take the view women do the consenting, mine should always be seen as given. I sometimes find the first time with a new women difficult, if you like them, potentially very nervy, sometimes I can't do it, in those cases. But not once you've done it with them already.

I do play that card a lot, mainly because it's true. The Baker sees it as my most dangerous flaw, as in, the bane of my problems, to be summed up as 'Talking shit to women.'

Yes, I do. I go way over the top, forgetting every time, I have a short attention span in these matters.

jmb- I know. But I keep making the same mistakes. The Baker just sees it as a cycle and steps in when he can see danger, like when my escape strategies are failing.

It is, I know.

I don't think she was, but the other week, I noticed D had ger echosound scan thing pic as the wallpaper on her phone and I asked her if you loved the baby already, and she said yes.

I thought that was so inspiring, I began thinking 'I want one! I want a baby!'
I've gone all broody :)

Welshcakes- I think it is an insight in to a CERTAIN type of male mind. Fortunately, me CS and Baker are familiar similar in most of our outlook on the opposite sex. The other two are finally settled and have stopped being the players they were (and they were players, trust me), and now they both seem to be in a determined attempt to get me settled somehow.

It's not always that easy. These things haunt you.

Anonymous said...

I got legal advice at the time. Nothing I could do.

I know (the nothing I could do part) that was sort of what I was trying to say...

The wrong thing here is if she was going to decide on her own without your input, she shouldn't have told you...

Anonymous said...

Phew. Quite the tale, sir.
While, yes, I am not going to disagree that you are a more than a bit of a bastard for this one... mind games beget more mind games, and she was hardly innocent in that one.

Anonymous said...

Cherrypie- That would have been hard. We lived togetrher in this case, I was with her when she did both tests- I did the dipping of the prongy thing into the urine, both times.

I tried to stop her, cried like a baby I did.

And then I just went a six month long binge.

Princess P- My life is riddled with these tales. If any one of my friends read this tale, without clicking it was me, they'd at least think 'That's the sort of thing that would happen to Crushed'.

Here is the worst example ever. Age 22.
Me and Chimney Swep in my flat. Alsp present, a slightly older woman who, well, did my laundry and slept with me.

'MXXXX, was you thinking of coming with us, only we was kind of hoping to go on the pull, and that's going to be difficult if you come.'

So, yes, it is true, I have been a complete bastard to many women over the years, but don right dishonesty to them, rarely. Sins of Omission, yes.
If asked, am I sleeping with someone else, I'll be honest.

If asked the wrong question, you'll get an answer to THAT question.
Ask me if I'm sleeping with C, I'll say no, if it's in fact F I'm sleeping with.

So I never lie. But don't ever expect me to tell you what you didn't ask :)

I've never been sexually faithful. Never managed it. I wasn't even faithful to Joanna.