Thursday 3 April 2008

400 Posts- Learning to Live Again

It's no real secret, I've had an interesting life.
And it still is an interesting life.

But it's something else now.

This is my 400th post on this blog, so maybe it's a good opportunity to say something very important to all of you who read here.

Thankyou from the bottom of my heart.
Thankyou so much for helping me to feel ALIVE again.
Thankyou for that gift that you all give me every day.

When I started this blog, I had definite opinions.
They were the conclusions I had formed during the rather unusual journey I had taken through life.
It's been the sort of life, that ultimately, leads you to question EVERYTHING.

I had plenty of time to do that, plenty of time to ponder the whys and the wherefores.

And this time last year, I cared about something.
Not me.

Given up on me long ago.
I cared about what I was saying.
And I still care.

But something bigger has happened since.

It has been, literally, a rollercoaster of a year, and those who have followed this blog since it's foundation- on and off, that's a few of you- have witnessed a lot of it, because what I haven't posted, has often slipped out in comments.

I am who I am, and you know me by now.

But you've changed, I've changed, this blog has changed, the blogosphere has changed.

All I can say is, I woke up.
I rediscovered faith, hope and love.

Faith in what I say here.
Hope that it will acheive something.
Love for those who come and read.

It has rekindled feelings and sentiments within me, I'd forgotten I could feel. For so long, I'd shut down every capacity to feel.
Living in a suit of armour, a cynic without, an embittered romantic within.

And in August last year, suddenly it all came together.
I woke up.

Writing this blog everyday, receiving your feedback, gives me fulfillment in a way nothing ever has, and nothing else ever could, I think.
It does give me a reason to get up every day.

At the same time, my career took off again. Long days, hard work, it's draining, but rewarding.
And yes, it does mean that my life schedule is- tight.
Weekdays are work, blog, pub if I'm lucky.

Any phone calls are taken on speakerphone whilst I write.

Not all my friends entirely approve of this blogging business, they've seen first hand the bad sides and how it affects me, but they do understand- I think- just how important to my well being it is.
They understand that it has become ME.

They understand that it occupies that special place in my heart now, that the happiness and fulfillment that I strive for, is bound up here, in this website.

Since August I have known that my level of satisfaction in life, is inextricably bound to the health of this blog and that ultimately, everything else in my life has to be blog compatible, otherwise it's not something I want in it.
Making sure there is at least one post on this blog every day, is something I intend to do every day until I die.

I've never really committed to anything before.

This one, I mean.

I know that I mean this blog to be my life's work. I mean it to be my cause and my epitath.

And it has been an eye opener.
I never realised just how much I could care about something.

The last six months were, to me, the battle for my happiness, the battle for my life, in a real sense.

Let me put it this way.
There are many possible combinations of things that could make me happy. But none of them would, if this blog wasn't part of the combination.
However, even on it's own, this blog has the potential.

Now I've found the fulfillment I've searched for all my life, I ain't giving it up lightly.

It's a miracle.
It's given me new life, really.

I'll always enjoy going out and partying, I guess, but this gives life meaning.

And it's just changed my perspective on so many things.

Coming alive again, I was able to release things kept deep inside. I could remember Joanna (for those who don't know, the only girl I've ever REALLY loved), and was able to appreciate the standard she set.

It's not looks, it's a personality thing. A certain personality type.
And it's a rare type, but believe it or not, since August I actually have come across one blogger who actually has those rare qualities that made Joanna what she was. They're written all over her blog.

Goodness, basically.
She has goodness.
She shines.

And that's helpful to me, really. It does give me a kind of standard, to add to my existing veto system.
Up to now, the system was, The Baker and D were the veto commitee on any personal relationships I might get into, as well of course, as my sounding board for any other decisions I might make (Chimney Sweep, bless him, love him to bits, but we look after him, not vice versa...)

Now I've got someone else to add to that system. And I think, only blogging could ever have made that possible. In fact, oddly, we only ended up communicating, because of the Crisis.

Sometimes, I think the Crisis was worth it, just for that.

But as I've said before, I hope she'll be a friend for life. I think now, I'd be lost without her. She's made a profound difference to my life.
She's actually made me realise, you should never compromise your standards.

It goes to show, you CAN make valuable friends here, as long as you treat the medium for what it is.

That's allowed me to free myself of all remaining baggage, and just move forward. I know what I want out of life. I have everything I want. A good job, good friends, this blog. Not really fussed about anything else. I've got the set up I want, now it's time to do something with it.

Yes, there are days when I get down about the last few months. Heartbreaking at times, it really was.
Heartbreaking, because it took me a long time to find something this rewarding, and it was draining fighting for it.
But worth it.
Always worth it.

And do you know what kept me going?


Not just the ones who leave comments.
But all you silent ones who register as unknowns on the sitemeter, but who seem to come every other day or so, read, and silently depart.

No idea who any of you are.

But you come.

That's flattering.

That makes getting up in the morning worthwhile, it really does.
It makes me conscientious about posting, because it's you as well, you silent ones, who may not even be bloggers, maybe you came because you found me on google searches, I don't know.

But those of you who come, fair play. You actually read what I write, and that overjoys me.

Every one of you who comes, stays an average of 11.37 minutes with an average 4 page views.

That's almost 1,400 page views a week.

So yes, I got majorly down back in December and January, and if hadn't been for my blogfriend, I might even have packed up.

But when I look at those figures, when I look back over twelve months and realise, two months of blog visiting lite and the blogstats themselves aren't down, this blog seems to be doing OK, really. In spite of everything, the Crisis, me reducing by about eighty percent my total blog visiting, the monthly totals are static, and everything else has gone UP. In fact, all I need to do is pull my finger out.

So I owe it really to you, all of you, because you've supported me through thick and thin.

I owe it to all of you to get off my arse (which I guess you've been patiently waiting for), and take this seriously.

Thankyou all, so, so, much for standing by me and being such great readers.

YOU, YOU, have given me back faith.
And hope.
And love.

And I intend to return you the favour.

I love you all, from the inner reaches of my heart, my mind and my soul.



This is line drawn under all past traumas this blog has faced. I'm returning to work again properly. All blogs on my roll will now be regularly visited again- and new blogs discovered.

I will also now be FULLY carrying out my social obligations as a blogger.

Starting now.
Here is a message I have been asked to publish. And I will.

The Sexual Freedom Network is looking for two special volunteers to
serve on our Program Management Team: A Program Lead and a Technical
Lead. To learn more, please visit

Sexual Freedom Network
Advancing Sexual Freedom is a Fundamental Human Right


Anonymous said...

I am glad you are beginning to feel better :-) Been there...

Anonymous said...

That is a very impressive effort Crushed, more than a four hundred page book, more like 800 pages or more.

I'm glad that your blog has brought you through a dark time. But you have proved you were a survivor before this, don't forget.

Anonymous said...

Everyone seems to get something from this blogging lark. You seem to get a lot. Good luck to you. The pattern of intense satisfaction and intense frustration seems to be very normal.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're so happy about the blog! That's the test of a blog, isn't it; where they don't care whether you read theirs, but they want to come and read yours (because they can't resist! :-) There are just a few blogs in my favourites 'regular' folder where I do that; yours, Mutley, Gorilla, EK, Tony, Steve..... oh, and now that you've promised to write a post a day til you die, I hope I'll be around to read them all *and that you'll live for very much longer! :-)*

Anonymous said...

Cherrypie- What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

jmb- Yes, makes you think. I once thought i'd never get round to writing anything, but I kind of proved myself wrong.

In many ways, this was as dark as it got.
Lack of comforts is easy, it's just a mindset.
This was more.

Colin- Yes, I think it is. But these things are worth fighting for.

Eve- It does give me something to live for, I guess.
I said there will be a post on this blog every day- I may not write them all.
Ultimately, once I've got this blog going back in the right direction again, I intend to add more co-authors (I've already got one)

Anonymous said...

Happy 400th !

You're a great guy, Crushed.

Very individualistic.

Anonymous said...

Ps. I linked to one of your posts… hope that’s alright with you: -)

Anonymous said...

Happy 400th Crushed! Ironically, my life changed last August too. Sometimes positive things can come from negative bullshit. And who really understands what faith, love, and hope really mean unless they've experienced loss and have fought back with their will to bring about change?

Glad you're still here. I'll be interested to see what your 401st post will be. Again- congrats!

Anonymous said...

You just made me think... I'm due to celebrate my 10,000th day alive within the next year or so... I really should work out which day it is.

A landmark worth registering dont you think...?

Anonymous said...

Always an entertaining and thought provoking read.

Congratulations on your 400th post.

I'm glad that this brings you enjoyment and hope. In my own insignificant way through reading I'm glad to be sharing your journey.


Anonymous said...

Actually I just did... go here.

Anonymous said...

If my calculations are correct, you've just missed your 1billion second landmark... belated birthdate!

Anonymous said...

well done for the milestone. keep writing as your stuff is very interesting.

Anonymous said...

E-K- I have my moments :)
There are definitely are two completely opposing schools of thought about me, in RL, and it seems this follows me to the blogosphere.

Of course, one is absolutely correct, and the other is wrong, it really IS that simple ;)
But hey, I ain't responsible for people's bad taste!

Eve- I'm glad you did BECAUSE OTHERWISE I WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN YOU HAD SET UP A NEW BLOG. You have to tell me these things, Eve. I rarely click on to blogger profiles, unless I don't know the commentor :)

Shelly- Life ALWAYS changes. And yes, there is sometimes Karma to these things. Withstand the storm, you get the hidden reward. You see what's at the eye of the storm.

It does make you think, seriously.
It's funny, because I remember back this time last year being chuffed that I passed 100 profile views. Nowadays, to be honest, the only one that really interests me is the average time. It proves that people read the posts, which makes it worth it. 500 hits a day with an average of 30 seconds, would defeat the object.

David- I just celebrated my thirtieth year alive, which was kind of a landmark, I suppose.
Though what does it mean?

OK, second time I've referred someone to this book- Perelandra, CS Lewis 'Maleldil had made me older', something the queen keeps saying.

What she means is that change is what ages, not time. Change in who you are.
I'm not sure the passage of time changes us all at the same rate.

Bit like Narnia maybe?

Grendel- Well, aren't we all on a journey?
They say Einstein discovered relatavity. But did he?
Not on his own. Aristotle, Galileo, Newton, even Lavoisier, Kelvin, they all had to make their contributions, before he coul make his from theirs.

That's the beauty of human intelligence, it's collective, it's based on the freeflow of ideas. I have an idea, you ponder it, add your own domension, refine it, then someone else sees something else.

CityUn- Have no fear, a return to the final phase of Capitalism is imminent- there is series half finished ploughing slowly but inexorably towards that, but it is having a rest. That's the good thing about blogs, you can stop and start series when you want, because you can just link back to them when you want to start again.

I expect you'll do some do some thorough fisking when that eventuality arrives :)

Anonymous said...

The Crisis? YOU CREEP, you made out you loved a girl for months, wantded to marry her, begged her forgiveness time and time again and yet ran her down behind her back from day one- as you did half your readers here ,including BUNNY!
YOU are a fraud..I have a 'fuck Bunny mail' recall? Fake asshole!
NOW STAY OFF MY BLOG! and stop mailing me.

Anonymous said...

Cris, yes.

I'm not going to respond to your comment.
It is you commenting at MY blog, it is YOU who e-mails ME. I respond nicely to your torrents of abuse.

Look, I never met you, we wouldn't have had anything in common if we did.

How you think I 'emotionally abused' you, I don't know.

I tried to get you to go away, yes.
That was hard to do, because you threatened my blog.

May I point out, btw, I'm Catholic and you're married, so not sure quite how you think there was a suggestion of marriage...
Not quite POSSIBLE, is it, really?

Look, you take relationships too seriously, really, you do. Especially ones that NEVER HAPPENED.

Blogging is for grown ups, not teenagers.

Anonymous said...

By never happened, I mean these things aren't real till people meet.

Anything before then is total fantasy.
And the idea you had anything in common, was fantasy.

I'm sorry, but that's true.
There was no need for you to turn yourself into a crisis, causing real damage to something important to me.

Because obviously, this is more important. It would take precedence over an ACTUAL lover, in Real Life.