Saturday 5 April 2008

D- Everything a Woman Should Be

As regular readers may know, my best mate the Baker, and former flatmate, D, are in the process of having a baby.

And it has my full seal of approval.

Both of them matter to me, both of them are good people, the best type of people, and I've always wanted what's best for them.
Initially, I had misgivings about them getting together. I felt it could put me in a difficult position if it went badly.

But in fact, it's worked out very well. They do truly deserve eachother.

She's a special girl, and I didn't want her hurt. Knowing the Baker, there was always that danger.
He's- er- had a a few women to say the least, and several have got hurt.

This time last year, he had four on the go at the same time.

And sometimes, this leads her to worry.

Of course, paradoxically, he's had his moments of jealousy too- he worried a little about D going on a hen night with her old mates.
Because D has been a bit wild in her past too, it's only fair to say. She also, had four men at one time, a few years back. And sexual fidelity isn't something she did much of either. If you judge women by their sexual past, you'd judge her harshly. If you do, of course, you're an idiot.
The girl is a diamond.

But the two of them HAVE actually been faithful to eachother, or if there has been a breach, it doesn't really count, and this I'm about to come to.

Why D is just such an amazingly sensible, adult and responsible person, and he's lucky to have her.

The Baker got himself into a very silly situation, back in 2006. He got drunk and slept with an opposite number in a company his company supply to.
Because she took it seriously.

Now he had a problem here. He couldn't just blow her off, because if she let slip they'd slept together, it could harm his career.
So he had to keep seeing her.

Every time she came to Manchester, he had to sleep with her.
She wasn't very good at taking the hint.

Now, he and have discussed this till the cows come home, of course. I was telling him from June 2006 to get rid of her, but it lingered on, throughout that year, all through 2007 and only finally ended this August, when she moved to another company and their business paths no longer needed to cross.

Basically, he had to keep her sweet, for his career.
A meal and sex every couple of months with someone you don't really find attractive, I guess he felt it was a small price to pay.

I can empathise more now, than I did back in late 2006- early 2007.
As he said, he couldn't tell her straight, he found her unattractive, he had to spin her along, because a major contract was involved.

Well anyway, one spin off from this situation, his ongoing crisis, was that last August, it was her birthday party.
And she invited him.
Problem, because he was with D then.

Now fair play to him, he actually told her about the party, and told her he'd have to go. This in itself, I think, proves his desire to be honest with her, in a way he hasn't with women before.
And I'm aware that partly, that IS to do with me. Part of their success, and it DOES give me a warm fuzzy feeling, is that whilst the Baker would lie to a woman, without feeling any guilt about it, he'd never lie to me.

Nor would he put me in a situation where I'd directly have to lie to the person I live with.

So he was honest. He told her he'd have to go. He told her, he couldn't bring her. He told her he wouldn't be able to tell Hannah he now had a serious girlfriend, because she might get angry.

This is life, this is reality.
And of course, he hasn't said- but all three of us are thinking- he might have to sleep with her to keep her sweet.

He's at the party, down in Hampshire. These people are posh, society types (in fact, he later said, he found everyone there pretty objectionable and la-di-da).

D and me, we're sitting on the step, here at the flat, smoking.

D: You can see why I worry though. I know he wouldn't cheat on me normally, but in this case...

Crushed: You need to put it out of your mind. Don't think about it.

D: But he might have to. He might not be able to get out of it.

Crushed: Oh, D, D. Yes, it's possible. But just look at this way, he won't, unless he has no choice, it'll only happen, if his career truly is threatened if he doesn't. In which case, then, really...

I paused.

Crushed: I think what I'm trying to say, is ignorance is bliss. Whatever happens at that party happened down there, it doesn't affect anything for you and him, nothing. You'll never know the answer ever, so don't beat yourself up over it. Just assume that nothing happened, because really, whatever happens, nothing will have happened. Just carry on as if this party never happened. It's not for much longer. He'll be out of her clutches soon, regardless.

D smiled. Uneasily, but it was a smile.

I've never asked him what happened, D has never asked him what happened.
Nobody needs to know.
We're adults.

That's partly what makes her great. She doesn't argue, doesn't answer back, she's just a great girl.

She'd come in after me every evening, because she always went to see her Mum first, always say 'Hi, Chick! You eaten yet?'
I always said, she should treat the place as her own, she paid £250 a month to live here, but she was always respectful, always said 'It's your flat, decorate how you want.'
And she never, ever, raised her voice to me. Like she's never raised it to the Baker.

The Baker says that's her strength, and it is. If you speak harshly to her, (which people do, we ALL do it without meaning to), she just looks hurt and walks away.
Now that's a strength, in a woman. Because it makes you go after her.

I always feel guilty at even snapping at D. The Baker always says, you feel like you are kicking a puppy.

Oh, D doesn't know the difference between Labour and the Tories, she hasn't a clue. When me and the Baker chat, she just watches, mesmerised. It's not her thing.

But the Baker doesn't need her for intellectual chats, he has me for that.

What she gives him, is support and affection, and in return he'll give her protection.

She's NICE.
Sweet, cuddly, vulnerable, affectionate, passive, sensible.

A ladette, yet also very girly.
Drinks pints, plays pool, can be as crude as anyone else in the pub, but deep down, will always inspire one's protective instincts.

And yet she doesn't expect it. When she got pregnant, I know she and the Baker had already discussed one day living together, and she already loved him with all her heart. But she knew, and was prepared for the possibility, he might back off now it had become a little too real. She said- and again, I think it was to reassure me- 'Whatever happens, I'll have this baby. It's up to (Baker) how much he wants to do. I'll understand if he changes his mind about me now.'

Acceptance. Total acceptance in advance of the Baker getting totally freaked out and doing a runner. And forgiveness in advance if he did. If he decided that he couldn't sacrifice his career.
Fortunately, they've found a way to work round everything.

But that's a woman, that's a woman worth having.

You see they've got love, the way it should be. Not founded on promises, or wild emotions, but on something genuine, something proven.

She wants him to look after her, and he wants to look after her.
And that's the only basis a true love can have.

And yes, their love has definitely made me think what I want.

Because the only girl I did love, was very like D. We met at nineteen. I have to be honest and admit I'd only been with three girls then. She'd had a few more blokes (I was the sixteenth). No idea how I pulled her (I don't think I did really, I think we were both drunk and she grabbed me).

We never had intellectual conversations, she didn't really know much about politics. She knew she had voted Labour, but that was it. But she was loving, just the sort I needed then, just the sort I need now. And now I know, that she wasn't unique.

Because I can see really, that I always liked D, because she reminded me of Joanna.

And now, yes, I suppose there is a vision of the future I quite aspire to.
Maybe it's a pipedream, but I've got more faith in it now.

Fact is, the woman I'm really looking for is the one my friends have long been looking for, for me. They've rejected many up to now, for sound reasons. THEY know the woman who's right for me, and getting away from still being in love with Joanna, has meant I stop aiming for the opposite, for fear of falling in love and getting hurt, I'm now better equipped to aim for the kind of woman I really want.

And that is, in five years time on a Saturday afternoon, I want to be playing pool against the Baker at the Star, on my fourth or fifth pint, after watching Birmingham City slaughter the Villa 5-1. And I want D and the hypothetical Ms Crushed to be sitting at the bar, drinking their pints, attempting to control the horde of rugrats the four of us have between us.

And they'll both talk their talk, a girly friendship talk that they will have formed over the years, partly based on how they love their men, but find them frustrating, irresponsible and sometimes unintelligible, but still, they'll support us whatever we do.
We'll be discussing the finer points of industries, world politics etc, things that our women are not remotely interested in. They'll leave us to it.

They'll raise their eyes when we wander over and say we might stay out all night, don't be expecting us back in any fit state.

And they won't surprised if we don't show up home at all, till the morning. It won't be anything new. They'll hope we behaved ourselves, but know 'Them that asks no questions, don't get told no lies.'
Neither of them will ring us. They'll wait till they hear.

And when I do clamber into bed, finally she'll say 'What did you get up to?'
And I'll say 'Best not asked, really'.
And she'll leave it.
She'll just hold me close.

I don't think that's an IMPOSSIBLE vision, if you look in the right places. D and the Baker already have it.

After all, there's only person missing from the vision. Everything else is already there!

So really, I guess, I certainly don't plan on turning into a monk, but in terms of treating someone as a partner?

They'd have to fit the vision just described.
Someone D would relate to, and be able to see as a friend.
Partly because they'd need to be- they'd spend a fair bit of time together, but also because I've noticed, she's a very good judge of character. I can't think of anyone that I like that she doesn't, or vice versa.

I think we can feel lots of different things for people, passion, lust, etc. But if people argue, then something is wrong. An emotion is felt, but it isn't the right one. Because you don't fit.
It might be all powerful, it might dominate, one or both parties might think they're meant to be, that they can't live without the other.
But point is, perhaps living WITH the other, is worse.

D was miserable in her previous relationship. But they never argued. She would just go away and cry herself quietly to sleep.
She should have argued then, you say.

This is the point. If it's meant to be, he'll notice, and he'll come find her and comfort her. He didn't.
But the Baker does, with D. I used to notice, with Joanna. I'd know if she was going to cry, and at those moments I felt a huge flush of love run through me, a huge desire to protect, to just kiss the tears away and say 'There, there, don't you worry, it's all going to be Ok, I've got you now. I'm here.'

A woman who shouts and stands on her ground and bangs on about how hard done by she is, just makes you even less sympathetic to her, than you were before. Nothing makes you hate a woman, than when she gets strident.

Girls like D know that. Or actually, they don't. It's just not their nature.

People need to fit. Their lives need to be able to work together.

That powerful tempest isn't Love, it's passion.

Love is, do they make you go 'AWWWW! She is so sweet' and just make you want to wrap them up and lock them away somewhere where they can't get hurt?

Vulnerability. Shyness. It's actually a huge attraction. If a woman doesn't have a certain vulnerability and a certain shyness, she really is hard to love.

Strident, over confident women don't seem to quite see that we may find them attractive enough to sleep with, but long term, we tire of them very quickly.

I don't want a girl who's thinking 'Men SHOULD want me. I'm amazing. I don't need a man, but a man would be LUCKY to have me.'
If you think that about yourself, trust me, I DON'T.

But a girl who's thinking 'Why don't men like me? Why do I just seem to get sex and not love? What's wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me?'
Not at all.
You're probably a truly amazing girl, hiding her light in the dark. And it's a girl like you, I'm looking for.

It's personality. That's the type of girl D is AND Joanna was. They felt that, I think, very much.
I want to take a girl who feels like that, and stop her feeling that by showing her every day how much I DO love her.

I want to take her pain into me.
I want to carry her.

Give me a girl like that, the only type worth having.


Anonymous said...

Just love people for who they are and most importantly you have to like yourself too...

Anonymous said...

Forgot to say I find the picture disturbing!

Anonymous said...

Interesting story Crushed. I'm sorry though, I think dignity and respect for D should outweigh any risk to his career. I am positive the supply girl would be MORE upset about being bonked a FEW times, rather than just once.

A man with honour would say 'I could sleep with you again and again and not get caught, but it's 'right thing to do' to cease this now."

I think most women would respect him more for that timing, than a few bonks down the road when she feels thoroughly used.

"having to sleep with her" i think, is really a lot of crap. Simply, he respects his dick and career more than D and is justifying poor decision to avoid changing his behaviour.

Is this fair to say?

I don't think D should be silent in the back ground like a weak doormat either. We're not in the 50's anymore, dude.

Just my opinion, but I realise we think differently.

Anonymous said...

Cherrypie- I agree, you just have to let these things be, you can't force them?

Disturbing? The top one? Very close to D, except D is blond.

Ms S- It was a mess, a total mess. I was at him for ages toget himself out of it, but he just prevaricated.

Reason is, loss of that contract, could have put his firm out of business. And he badly wanted to change his title from X Manager to X Director, which he now has.

The Food business is very competetive, the big players can put a supplier out of business.
I work selling to exactly that sector, and I know how tight it is.

Fact is, yes, it got worse the more he did it. By late 2006, way before he'd even met D, she was really getting her knickers in a twist about it. I read most of the texts she sent him, and the ones he sent back, and she was definitely playing a game, I think.

She knew, I think, from some of the texts she sent, that he didn't want to see her, but also knew she could make him squirm.
So you could say, she was using him, but equally, it was his own fault. And I'd agree there. I told him he was just plain weak, but his response was that I'd be equally weak in the same circumstances. It wasn't an issue, because he wasn't actually committed at this point, though he did have a couple of girls on the go
But I don't suppose he minded the sex too much, even if she was pretty unappealing, and I think I did see a picture of her on a company website, and she wasn't great, that's for sure.

Still, by the time he'd started to see D, a year of this stuff meant that she felt that if she clicked her fingers, he had to come.

There was only this one occasion, where he had to oblige (if he obliged) because we all knew she was moving to another supermarket, one his firm don't supply to.

So, it was kind of a bit like Indecent Proposal.
But who knows if he had to?
I made a point of not asking.

D can certainly say her piece, but she does it well. She's very good, really, at asserting herself, she's no doormat.
She's a very modern woman, really. But very caring.

Let me put it this way, she's got the Baker to do things no other woman could.
A spoonful of honey does more than a gallon of vinegar?
Yeah, that's what D proves. She's always the honey and never the vinegar :)

I've never seen him treat a woman so well, he really takes care of her. And I've never seen her so happy.

Anonymous said...

I realise so much more happens offline, that's the beauty bloggers are not really every privvy to. I just felt for both women in the story.

Thanks for the expanded info.


Anonymous said...

Tastes differ and moral standards.

Anonymous said...

This post brings tears; and for a moment, time stood still. Wonderful writing, Crushed.

> It might be all powerful, it might dominate, one or both parties might think they're meant to be, that they can't live without the other.
But point is, perhaps living WITH the other, is worse.
I've been seeing your point ;-) Yes, perhaps it's true.

> D was miserable in her previous relationship. But they never argued. She would just go away and cry herself quietly to sleep.
She should have argued then, you say.
This is the point. If it's meant to be, he'll notice, and he'll come find her and comfort her. He didn't.
I see......... but really... okay, I guess you're right ('cos I seem to find that they never DO notice... and then you'll say that's cos it's not meant to be... :-))

Hmmm... as for sleeping with someone to protect his career; I'd rather he put D first. He could sort of lay out the options; 'I'll lose my job if I don't sleep with her'; and then leave it to D to decide (and then she'd probably have told him to go ahead! But I really DO think, he could have faked being sick or something)

Hmm... wondering, at the end of this, whether I believe it; that there IS someone who'd see you cry, and want to comfort you rather than want you for what you can do for them. And then the next question would be; yes, but could you love them back? And that's the problem....

Anonymous said...

How can you be happy over the fact that he would lie to his woman and not to you, once a liar, always a liar. Don't think I'd like my sexual history put on show like this either by a 3rd party.

Anonymous said...

Only disturbing because the girl looks like she has had far too much too drink and flaked out. But I guess she could just be asleep, then the image isn't quite so disturbing :-)

Anonymous said...

I'm having very mixed feelings about this post.

She doesn't argue, doesn't answer back

How very forward thinking.

And I agree with Smack and Eve..and Nunyaa. At what point does he put D first?

Anonymous said...

Ms S- Life is complicated sometimes. Of course, the Baker used to make it so, because he'd start seeing women, then meet others, and because he didn't know how to end it, just end up seeing several at the same time.

I can't preach on that either, I'm no good at telling women I don't want to see them any more. I ended a two year relationship by text message, that's how lame I am at ending things.

Semaj- They do, I guess. I think my tastes are good, and the morals of our group are good solid values.
I actually think in many ways, we have very high moral standards. We look after eachother, I always asay, loyalty to your friends is the highest of all virtues.

Eve- Generally, if something is intense it's not REALLY love, it's just desire.
It's how well you fit. Can you just sit there in comfortable silence with eachother?

Yes, when you're tuned to somebody, you do. Because you're geared to watch over them.
In fact, you do pick all that up, even when it's not 'Love' love.
I could tell if D had been crying, she could tell if I was stressed, and we weren't an item.

I've known her come in, say hi, me say hi back, and her come straight over and say 'what's wrong?'
She'd just know.

You do know when someone you care about, is upset.

It's a conundrum, sure. It depends really. If I had someone I really cared about, then I'd have tried to get out of going.
But in normal circumstances, I'd put my career first.

Your last point, the root problem.
Don't love BACK.

That's always been where I've gone wrong. Trying to love BACK. It's a return gesture, it means nothing.

Love of your own accord, whether they love you or not.

Nunyaa- Ah, you don't quite see the ethical point.
Mates are mates. You guard eachother. To lie to a mate- a close mate- is to lie to yourself. Because hopw can I protect you, cover for you, etc, if I don't what I'm protecting or covering. Mates have to be totally honest with eachother.
He's not lied to D, ever.

But we're talking about here, is white lies. He'd never tell a serious lie. I need to always know the truth, so I can back a white lie up, if I need to.

So yes, there is a certain logic to it.

That's why pseudonyms are used:) None of it's any big deal. It's not like I posted details of partner swapping parties or anything :)

Cherrypie- I think she has had too much drink!
D, to be fair can knock it back. Miss Sambuca 2007. And when she orders Sambucas, she means people to down them in one swig.

Oestrebunny- I didn't mean it like that!
What I mean is, she's not confrontational. You can't get into an argument with her. Not that I've ever tried, well I think I might once when I was drunk, but she won't respond. It is impossible to get into an argument with her.

She just amazing people handling skills. She always seems to know what to say or what to do.

Amazing instincts, really. Sometimes, I think she CAN read minds.

He does put D first, in that he will look after her. It's even possible they may move in together- they're trialling it now.

It's been a bit of a shock to his system, he's never lived with a woman before, whereas as I have, several times, so it's a bit strange for him.

I think they will stay together, possibly for life even (?)

They're just perfect together.

Anonymous said...

Lol, i understand being perfect for someone, I know I am, but do they? Lol , all good.

Anonymous said...

You are writing well again Mr Ingsoc... good post and comments I am immensely entertained..

Anonymous said...

Another amazing insight into the male psyche, Crushed. "Because she took it seriously...." hmm....

Anonymous said...

I find this a pretty disturbing post on lots of levels. I saw it last night and did not comment but waited to see what others said.

Yes well getting drunk can get one into a lot of trouble and it is never an valid excuse for bad behaviour. However the old Baker compounded it over and over. He was weak, no doubt about it. You can't please everyone, sometimes you have to stand up and do the right thing.

I'm sure D is a wonderful woman, more like a saint with all that going on. I don't know if ignorance is a good answer to this.

The picture of the four of you, including Mrs C, ten years down the line just sounds too fifties for me. Men in one corner discussing "ideas" and women in another discussing their children and recipes and household hints.

That was then, this is now. Women don't go to university to get a PhDs or become MDs or lawyers or dentists only to fall back into that world when they marry. They have brains and ideas and opinions too. But maybe you are not looking for that kind of woman, although you should be because ideas are so important to you. Maybe you should be looking farther afield than in the pub.

Anonymous said...

Nunyaa- :) But maybe that's soometimes it. Even if they don't know it, wait until they do. Or maybe they never will. Problem is, a lot of the time, one person falls in love, and the other then returns it out of a feeling of obligation.

I think, really, friendship come first. There has to be a friendship at the base, things in common.

Mutley- Thanks. Bizarre isn't it? I write intelligent posts from time to time, but the posts which go into decidely unintellectual stuff seem to be the ones that most amuse...

Welshcakes- Yes, I think sometimes, it happens. But it happens the other way round too, and I know, it isn't nice to be on the receiving end. I can remember being quite shocked the first time a girl made clear to me, I was just an extended one night stand.

Admittedly, neither of us- and that includes the Chimney Sweep- have a history of totally gentlemanly behaviour, but the Baker possibly tops the league in terms of loving and leaving them.

jmb- Which part is disturbing?
I guess I partly wrote as a snapshot into the real life that I and my friends live, it's a fairly accurate description of life for many in our generation, social class and types of career.

That would be the Baker's common fault, yes. And he was told, both by me and the Chimney Swep. In fact, worse. I can remember he gave me an assurance back in late 2006, he was going to sort it out. I was decidely pissed off, when she loomed into the conversation in Feb 2007.

There was a similar occasion, a month or so later, when another ex of his turned thirty, she'd booked a suite a hotel, very big occasion. Again, not tactically wise to bring D. But this wasn't so much of a problem, because it was in Manchester, I'd also been invited anyway, so D simply stayed and watched TV at his flat, knowing I was with the Baker at the party, so in a way, she had nothing to worry about.

It's quite like that, in many pubs round here. The women sit in their group, the men stay in theirs. In fact, go to the pub midweek, it's almost all just the blokes. Quite often, you'll find with good friends, their partners also become good friends.

Oh, trust me, I don't like stupid women at all. And D wasn't stupid. I don't want a housewife, not at all. D would never be that, I don't think.
It's about temperament, I think. D can be motherly, sisterly, and yet a very good friend. And yet, she doesn't take any rubbish either. She's very good at the old home truths. She's taken me to pieces a few times, but she doesn't shout. She'll just look at you, like a mother would and say 'But ***, you know what you're like...'

I wouldn't marry, but yes, I suppose one wants somehing stable, and yes, I guess I'd like her to be reasonably intelligent.

But not someone stressful, that's the point.
I guess the point is, I never, ever have argued witrh D, and nor has the Baker. She's an EASY person.

Anonymous said...

I think the more you write about their relationship, the worst it seems. You shouldn't have to be at a party for D not to worry about the Baker's behaviour. She should be able to trust him unchaperoned.

It would seem that this is not the case, and if they don't have trust, then they don't have much else.

Anonymous said...

Ms Bunny- Well, I was there anyway. She does trust him unchaperoned, it's just reassuring for her to know I'm with him, that's all.

They do have trust, yes.

But I agree with you, trust is everything. You do have to trust implicitly. And now you say that, now you've kind of got me worried, because I'm not very good at trusting people. In fact this post is about two of about five people I actually do trust in real life.

Doesn't bode well, eh?

Anonymous said...

Well a relationship being non-stressful is certainly desirable. I grew up in a very stressful household, with parents either fighting or not talking, so I have tried to avoid that in my own, which is not easy since I am kind of volatile but luckily I am married to an easy going fellow and it mellows me in turn.

It did strike me afterwards that this post was a bit too revealing of your friends and a tad indiscreet. It's OK to tell all about yourself on your own blog but since this puts one of them in a bad light (to my way of thinking) do you think he might object to it being here? Just asking.