Saturday 12 April 2008

Why Should Everybody Have To Fulfill A Certain Ideal?

It has been implied of late by certain bloggers that those of us who don't 'grow up' and settle down with a wife and raise a family, are somehow doing life wrong.
We're just not trying hard enough. Married, (heterosexual), family men (or women). That's what we should all try and do.

Regardless of who we are, how we think, how we feel.

Get on with it. Enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, you're just not TRYING hard enough.
Jesus wants us to marry and raise a family.

Tell that the Pope, then.
He must have missed your message.

To them I say, it's YOUR IDEAL. It fulfilled you- twice- you want to fufull again. Go right ahead. I'm not stopping you. It obviously would make you very happy.

But what about, for the many of us, who for whatever reason, couldn't live like that? They know from experience, they can't.

And these reasons aren't the same. There are many reasons why people are not designed to fulfill that image.
One is reason is sexuality. Another is desire to have more than one partner. But there is a third reason. A major one. Because it can't fit in with your life.

And that's sometimes about choices. It's about what you put first, how you make your decisions, how you build alliances and WHAT alliances you come to rely on.

I don't like visiting my Mum for the simple reason, she wants to ask questions. It's a constant battle fending them off. But most especially, she keeps bringing up the subject of me settling down. And it's always the same 'Look, it's never going to happen. Just get that idea out of your head.'
And then the why questions.

And I can't get her to see the answer 'I'm just not suited to it. I actually CAN'T do it.'

I realise, honestly, that no one is ever going to pass the test. I can see the way the test is set up, and it doesn't allow anyone to get through from that direction. It DOES allow people to pass, just not coming from that direction. Therefore, logically I'd have to change the testing mechanism. And I can't do that, because otherwise, the mechanism is brilliant in doing what it is supposed to do; keep me safe, keep those I want close to me and protect me from everyone else.

There are basically two ways people set up a life strategy. By a life strategy, I mean that process of alliance forming that we all do, because that's really what life is. That is it's greatest fulfillment. We do it, to live.

Many grow up in a family, then leave it, and seek to form a new one.

Others are less close to their families and learn to rely on the networks they build up themselves. Everyone is constantly re-evaluated on the basis of fresh information. Trust is earned over a long period of favourable evaluation, until eventually one trusts someone fully.

At which point, they become as close, as families do to the first type.

And in fact, it's very open. The more you get to know people, the more you show them. Do they continue to be worthy of your trust, now you've shown them things? Do they still act towards you, in a way that makes you feel comfortable? Or have you just seen something you don't like?

Do they let you down when you need them?
Do they place demands on that you can't meet?

And you don't need to set tests for them- life will do that. Just watch what they do.
Keep giving the trust. That's the mistake most people make- they are to slow to give trust. Unless you give a bit, you can't judge what people will do with it. Keep giving trust, until you know you've given too much, then, forgive but don't forget- never trust them again.

And eventually, you'll know. They will either have shown themselves worthy, proved themselves, gained admittance to your inner sanctum, or been rejected forever.
That process could take months. It could take years.

There are certain people who have earned places of precedence in my life. And that means it would take someone years to rise to first place in that system. It's probably not doable, for anyone.
No matter how much I felt for them, fact is, at present, even were they earn my trust, I can only offer position number six at most. It COULD conceivably be possible for someone to get there in six months, two people on there got there that quick.
But then, any further progress, would take years at best, but I say, probably be impossible.

The people higher up the list will always matter more.

It's the fact that they've never let me down. They've proved themselves. I'd fight for them, I will not lose them.

The fact is, being the person I share my bed with, even if it was to be every night, doesn't guarantee pole position in my life- it can't. It's not on offer. Being a romantic interest, doesn't make you that important in my life- a ton of things are more important. Romance is expendable.

And there's the pressure. I can't deal with that. The pressure of being solely responsible for someone's elses well being and happiness. It's too much of a burden to put on my shoulders. I do not want to be someone elses's world. Part of it yes, all of it, no.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I love affection, attention, intimacy.

But I can't be done with the rest of it. I HATE it. The 'quality time', the possessiveness, the wanting to share every moment of their lives with you, the believing that they should always be on your mind, the interference in areas of your life where THEY shouldn't be.

My quality time is too good to be wasted. I've only got a finite supply.

So, put bluntly. Affection, attention, intimacy.
But at a price tag I can afford, please!

I've got too much to lose.


Anonymous said...

You can't realistically expect to receive any of that if you're not prepared to give anything back.

Like most things, it's about give and take.

Anonymous said...

I agree.
But you have to be able to trust people first.

You have to be certain it will be the best possible course for you.

Anonymous said...

A couple of thoughts if I may.

Firstly the thoughts of other bloggers are utterly irrelevant. It’s all rather subjective really but as long as no-one gets hurt then how one goes about life and their interaction with others is entirely up to them. It’s a banal truism but no less correct for that.

‘Mrs’ G and I aren’t married but we have three children. What would the ’bloggers’ make of that. Frankly I don’t care, it’s none of their business. Commitments in RL are far more important than whatever goes on here. I will have my children forever but blogging, it’s fun at the moment but it will fall by the wayside as hobbies have in the past and will do in the future.

Only you can set your price as you put it. But as any Buyer or Salesman (as you and I understand) know, most things are pretty negotiable as long as the resultant contract brings benefits (or to use the oddly appropriate term in English law ‘consideration’) from and to both parties.

I’m sure that there are ‘rules’ that many would hope would be followed. But as long as those directly concerned are happy then it’s no ones concern but their own.

Anonymous said...

Bunny is right! & yes you have to be able to trust people, but sometimes you have to have a leap of faith. You just need to keep a little bit of something back for you in case things don't work out.

Not sure if that makes sense :-/ will try and explain differently if it doesn't!

Anonymous said...

I understand what you are saying from your own personal point of view, but I also agree with Bunny, Grendel and Cherie. What you do in your personal life is no business of anyone unless you invite them into it. :-)

Anonymous said...

Grendel: the 'bloggers' wouldn't care :) you aren't hypocritical in your situation.

CBI: that was one of the most self-centered posts I've ever read :) You don't go into relationships with certainty that it's the 'best' for you, you go in with the hope that it is.

Anonymous said...

You are under no obligation to defend yourself to anyone on this stance Crushed.

In defense of your mother might I say that every mother wishes happiness for their children. They want them to have a job or career they enjoy doing and relationships with others which make them happy, be it friends or loved ones or whatever.

Your mother's questions are probably just trying to establish that. Is Crushed happy? Maybe she has a specific idea of what happiness is for you but she should accept your version even though it is not hers. Ask her to respect your opinions on this matter. She may be hurt but if she is wise she will do so because otherwise she is cutting off her nose to spite her face, as the saying goes.

I am the mother of a 45 yr old unmarried son who is a bit of a loner due to extreme shyness. I would be very happy to see him in a permanent relationship and he would be a wonderful father since he loves kids. Mothers always worry about their children, no matter how grown up they are.

Besides I still think someday your thinking on this might become more conventional or you might find that perfect person who fulfills all your requirements for a relationship.

Anonymous said...

Grendel- I agree.
I resent being told that by not choosing a certain lifestyle, i'm somehow neglecting my manly duties.

I've been engaged, once as student when it wasn't serious, but I would have done, you know, then anyway, once at 22, when I really didn't want and kept my brains how to get out of it, because just living together was bad enough.

It gets t five o'clock and you think 'Jesus. Have to go home. Isn't there anything to keep me at the office?'
Because you're just sick and tired of just spending your evenings the same way. You need a CHANGE of scenery, just spend it, somehow with people that AREN't her- you're just spending too much time together. You are getting a fatigue towards them, because, put bluntly, they are 'doing your head in'.

I like to feel comfortable in MY OWN HOME. That works best, when ultimately, my rules and my rules alone apply within it. When I've worked through my front door, I reserve the right to decide what goes on past that threshold.

I ain't sacrificing that for nobody. I worked all my life to get it.

Cherrypie- Leap of faith? I learned young, trust no one, they'll always let you down. So far, I've found five people- five, in thirty years, who, through experience, I can say, that rule doesn't need to apply. I KNOW that to be the case, through experience.

And I will not lose any single one of those five. Or allow anyone near me, who could affect either of those relationships negatively.

Nunyaa- But they need to know how far they've ben invited. Yes, you do invite people in, bit by bit. Thing is, I'm OK about being very intimate, very quick, in one sense. But not in terms of telling people stuff, or trusting them. Not in that way. And thy'd need to appreciate, they can never be as close, as my cloesest friends, quite simply, because I've ten years more knowledge of them.

Lord N- Nor am I, I'm candid about my belief that monogamy isn't necessarily the social norm it is presented us. Not all of us are geared up to be rewarded by it.

I never enter into any personal relationship that may negatively affect already existing relationhips. That would be plain stupid. But in a sense you're right. To be equipped for monogamy, you probably do need to do what you described.

I never will.

Therefore, by defintion, not really my thing is it?

So, any objection to me making the most of my life, and not being forced into something, we've established, ain't really my cup of tea.
I've got it good the way it is; close friends for emotional support, other needs, well, this isn't the place to discuss them.

jmb- My mother knows me to a certain degree, I think. She's relatively non judgemental on that front. I think generally, she'd rather not know too much.

I think she does accept my position, but finds it odd. She found the whole planning for D's baby thing bizarre, I don't think she understands the whole set up we all have.

She does disapprove of what she describes as my 'debauched womanising sprees', but she also knows what havoc they cause, so yes, I think she worries on that front a bit. She knows I do some pretty dumb things, if they have siren voices, loving eyes, etc. Also, sadly, she worries that I'm go round one day and say I AM settling down. Because she knows damn well, if I did, there's good chance her-erm-skin tone might not be approved of by Mr Crushed Senior.

Anonymous said...

> And eventually, you'll know. They will either have shown themselves worthy, proved themselves, gained admittance to your inner sanctum, or been rejected forever.
I agree. It's just a pity, sometimes, when people fail... and sometimes, one wants so much for them not to fail that one tries to save them from the tests that will prove their worth...

Hmm, I never thought about whether I was suited to be married. It's a huge leap; would take a lot of discipline, I think. And I'd only be pretty sure I wanted to be married if I found the other person 'capable' of greatness; not just the pure of heart kind, but the kind who can, and probably WILL, change the world. People like that are hard to come by ;-)

Anonymous said...

Agree there are many reasons why some of us don't settle down . But I don't think it's as complicated as you make it sound. We might just have "missed" the person, by being in the wrong place at the time or whatever. But when you really love someone, Crushed, it's not a matter of being unable to live without them; it's a matter of CHOOSING to live with them , and all their faults.