Well, it's quarter past midnight and I'm getting quite drunk really.
Since I'm unlikely to go to bed for a bit and it's too late to be ringing people to tell them I'm drunk and depressed, I figured I'd talk to you lot.
Of course, by the time you read this, I'll no longer be drunk, most likely.
Betty Braddock accused Churchill of being drunk. He retorted 'And you're ugly. But in the morning, I'll be sober.'
I just noticed this can contains the words 'Responsible drinkers don't exceed 4 units daily (men)'.
Who are they kidding?
Well, I had no Easter eggs, mainly because I forgot to buy myself any yesterday. I had one last week, but I don't suppose that counts.
This living on your own business doesn't really have a lot going for it. The flat is a bombsite. Quite what the hell has happened to the living room is beyond me. I know the Baker moved some furniture around to create a cinematic effect for watching City of God, but why there are piles of mail in every chair I don't know. Logical answer, I dumped them there, and probably should open them.
This twelve pack has done a good job of sitting untouched in the fridge for two weeks. Dizzy got it for my thirtieth, and since I rarely drink at home, it has sat there ever since. But there comes a time when the pub has to shut, and you really need to carry on getting drunk.
I don't usually like getting drunk. Four to five pints in one sitting is usually enough. And I don't really drink on my own much either. But sometimes, what the hell?
They say there are no answers at the bottom of a can. It depends on the question you ask. If the question is, can I consume the contents of this can, then yes, you will find answers.
Alarmingly, perhaps, I've finished another can since I started this post.
Exhausted, frustrated, bitter- or is that last just what I'm drinking?
I want to be a real person. Like the other real people. This always bothered me from an early age. Do you know what the first conscious thought I remember is?
Why can't I see me?
I mean, I could see everyone else, but not me. So was I there at all? It took me a while to grasp why I couldn't see me.
Then as I got older, it used to bother me when my parents told me that I could have died when I was a baby, because I was born so early and was so small as a baby. That I'd been a week in the incubator. I used to think that I wasn't meant to be here at all, that really I was a miscarriage and I hadn't got a soul, because in early times, I wouldn't have lived.
And that made me think that maybe, if God had planned everything for everyone, than he hadn't plannd anything for me, and that although I thought I was interacting with everybody, really it was just an illusion, that it was a trick, that really nothing I did would make a difference, that I wasn't there at all.
Like Roger Rabbit. He makes a lot of noise and bounces round, but you know he''s just an animation added afterwards.
Or if I'd seen Sixth Sense at that point, a bit like Bruce Willis in that. He thinks he's real, but actually he's dead.
Maybe this underlies my extreme hedonism as an adult. A lot of the time when people have asked why, all I've ever been able to say is 'To know I'm alive.'
Claire's abortion added to this sense. When she had it, I remember thinking 'What did you expect? Nothing of you will stick. When you are gone, it will be as if you never were.'
I've never been able to shake this belief.
Until D got pregnant. I remember standing out on the porch with her.
Crushed: You know what this means? It means I'm real.
D: What do you mean?
Crushed: It means, my existence does mean something. That child couldn't exist, if I hadn't. There's no way you and (Baker) could have met, if it hadn't been through me.
All my life I've wanted to change the world. Exactly how has varied through time. when I was a teenager, I'd not properly read Nostradamus and realised what a load of bollocks it is, but back then, I believed World War Three would break out in 1999, and to be honest, I was all ready to go off and be a war hero.
Of course, by the time I got to Uni, I figured World War Three wasn't going to happen.
By Uni, Member of Parliament had become the ambition. Working on the principle that Labour were popular, but wouldn't be when I was thirty, I became Vice-Chairman of the University Conservatives. I was Chairman for a bit, but gave it up when I fell into post-Joanna despondancy (which included buggering off to Amsterdam for a month).
I actually harboured ambitions on this front for a while. To hear me talk at political meetings, you'd have assumed I was quite Thatcherite, and superficially I was- except of course, if you picked any topic that WASN'T Europe or the Economy.
Interesting aside- one of my Labour friends, who went on to be a researcher for his MP (who defected to the Lib Dems later on, which made me laugh), said if I ever became a PPC, he'd write to the Sun telling them about the drugs I'd used at uni (specifically Coke). I pointed out, that his housemate had walked in on him, on his knees, semi circle of magazines around him, organ in hand. Voters can tolerate a bit of saucy gossip, ridicule is more likely to swing votes.
I left the party briefly in 2001, when they picked that useless prick Duncan Smith- at this point, I was a die hard Portillista.
I rejoined, because I was asked to, and the party needed council candidates. Of course, then the other life I was leading- the pill popping variety intervened, and I was put in a position that legally excluded my taking part in politics.
Of course, to be fair, by this time the idea of me being a Tory candidate was somewhat of a joke anyway. Privately, I'd already concluded that Marx's economic theory was correct.
It's odd that I was probably 26 or so before I was actually starting to develop the overall worldview I have now. For a long time, there were huge parts of it which made me uncomfortable, they seemed to contradict. I had concluded, for example, that Free Love was the way forward, but that hardly seems compatible with Ultramontane Catholicism. And even now, that's still the wing of Catholicism I belong to.
It actually took a thought experiment, less than two years ago to reconcile the two.
The fall is a myth, yes. But in the context of the myth, had Adam and Eve not eaten the fruit, how would mankind have lived, in Eden?
Free Love and Communism, surely.
Marriage and property, from a theological point of view, are a consequence of the fall.
Even if it is a myth, the implications of theology are, marriage and property are needed only because man is imperfect.
I cannot tell you what a joyous thought this was.
Deep down, I think, we all know both sound good, but we are conditioned to believe that the first is immoral, and the second impractical.
I am now convinced in my mind, my body, and my soul (whatever that means), that no, they are neither.
It was if, in an instant, every train of thought I had ever followed, united.
In the space of one evening, I suddenly saw Catholicism, Darwinism, Marxism, and Nietzcheism all pointing in the same direction, so much so that I realised that I wanted to stand up and shout about it.
I felt as if I had been walking in my sleep all my life.
I accepted that Marx's theory, is a local consequence of Darwin's laws, as Engels said. Marx is right, because Darwin is right. And Nietzche, even though he would have cringed to hear it, is right because BOTH of them are right.
And Christ? Of course Christ is right. Only human beings who live the way Christ told us to, can hope to make this vision work.
It matters.
I could see it straight away.
And I realised something more.
Now you see it, now you got to do something about it.
Show them.
Show them.
Show them or die trying.
And that's what I'm going to do. That is what I have been trying to do with this blog, and I will keep trying to do till they find my corpse on this keyboard, because Jesus Christ, nothing else I will ever do can possibly matter.
It is worth me sacrificing my entire life, throwing away my own happiness, living in misery, pain, poverty, suffering, just to make sure, that even a tiny number of people see the logic.
Because it might make a difference.
One day, soon, Capitalism will die.
And at the moment, nuclear weapons are being pointed by one lot of Homo Sapiens towards another.
So getting to grips with who we are, what we are, how we are programmed, the best and the worst that we can do to ourselves, we need to do it, and do it now.
Because four billion years should not be wasted.
This blog is not just a hobby. I will stand or fall by it.
Because you lot matter to me.
I want our descendants to have the future they deserve.
And even if I am drunk, I mean what I say.
I'd die for what I'm saying. Since I can't, I'll live for it instead.
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12 comments:
> It actually took a thought experiment, less than two years ago to reconcile the two.
The fall is a myth, yes. But in the context of the myth, had Adam and Eve not eaten the fruit, how would mankind have lived, in Eden?
Free Love and Communism, surely.
Marriage and property, from a theological point of view, are a consequence of the fall.
Even if it is a myth, the implications of theology are, marriage and property are needed only because man is imperfect.
Ok :-) But the thing is, the fall DID happen, and we can't undo it; and that's why God sent Jesus. So that alternative future that might have happened can't; it's already been changed...
> Alarmingly, perhaps, I've finished another can since I started this post.
Interesting, the power of a can. Just one can; it's easy to drink. But it seems to be more powerful than just an ordinary drink...
Good post. Intriguing.
J, suggest you create a back-up of your blog in case you are ever hacked out of your blog, or something goes awry.
For a quick and easy way to back it up, email me.
In regard to making your mark on the world, it's easy to do it via a blog. But the audience will often change. As dedicated as you are, does not mean that your readers will be here for years to come.
Try doing something profound where you can reap the rewards in real life. People are the best teachers. Not face-less comments from cyber-space.
Iambeginning to get the impression you take allthis blogging seriously...*grins* I am with Ms Smack -not literally sadly - make a back up and also communicate in other ways as well...
Oh Good Grief! Are you really expecting us to reead all of that long and boring post?
Incredible.
You just dont get it do you.
Eve- But the fall is an allegory. The point is, we're striving to overcome something, and think it's the fall, it's our animal nature.
Incidently, I recommend Perelandra by CS Lewis. It touches on the theme of the fall, it's about the first couple in an Eden situation, on Venus.
I think I knocked back about five cand during the post, in fact.
Ms S- I did think someone may have tried to get into it recently, in fact, because I got one of these e-mails from g-mail asking me if I'd forgotten my password. Could have been a glitch of course.
Yes, I prob should back it up. I'll e-mail you in a bit.
Nothing stands still, and I think the medium is evolving yet.
I think there's a lot we're all still discovering about the medium.
When I expound these views in real life, it certainly makes for interesting discussion. Problem is, most people I really talk to in depth in RL, are fairly similar types to me, University educated, liberal lifestyle, Thatchers children, vote Tory mainly because they hate state control, but don't like the party or its views otherwise. So they're fairly open to the wordlview I believe in anyway. it's preaching to the converted, really.
Mutley- Mushroom clouds, or Martian colonisation. That's what at stake.
I've been pondering possible ways to look at constructive political action, to be honest, I've not really got over far with any of them.
I think exposing the myth of the terror threat, and how its being manipulated, must be where we start.
Pineapples- Read what you want. Free country. Or so they tell us.
CBI, excellent post. Stream of consciousness posting is one of the joys of blogging, if not one of the joys of reading blogs..I haven't posted anything after less than 5 Stellas for, oh, over a year now...
Adam and Eve...surely a timeless statement of man's alienation from the ground of being, from love, from the cosmos, rather than a historical document? Of all the shit that tossers like Dr Evan Harris could throw at us, biblical literalism is surely not one of them.
Mutley- Mushroom clouds, or Martian colonisation. That's what at stake.
dunno if I agree with the whole statement but I would definitely say that it's mushroom clouds or no mushroom clouds, and that's a big enough choice, to my mind. We've come so far, and so close towards it, we've escaped it by a thread (!) and we might yet seek its finality, but I find it kind of comforting that an accidental nuclear holocaust fits so neatly with a contingent view of the universe that it almost makes sense.
We haven't yet made the choice for certain, though we thought we had in 1989. We thought we'd liberated ourselves from 1914-1989 but we were just kidding, really.
Crushed, I'm relieved you're still there! If you become a PPS - and I still think you might - you could just remind them all that most took drugs or drank in their youth. I'd rather be represented by someone who had been through the mill a bit, myself. "Tomorrow is another day".
Excellent speech, sir. You expressed it perfectly.
"One who eases the burdens of others does not live in vain."
Your writing gives a lot of disillusioned people something to identify with and help them understand the implications of the current political landscape. This is a very good thing, since the higher ups now want people to understand as little as possible.
In my own country, I've watch the two dominant political parties waver and fade to the point that there is now actually very little difference between the two. Republican or democrat, they only want to project the current regime so their children will remain on top in the future. It's the truth and has been going on for a long time. Check out a book called "Burke's Peerage". This volume is hard to find, but it details the lineage of over ten thousand elite families in Europe and America. It is printed every year, a a service to these famillies to better keep the riff raff out of their bloodlines.
I would have been by sooner, but the computer that I've had to use crashes every time I load up yours and a fewother's pages. Today I'm at my local college library and took the shot to come by. I did get to read a few of your older posts, but it would freeze up before I could comment.
Just wanted to shout out.
Take it easy.
And as I said, great writing.
I think that if you google keyloggers, or hacking symptoms, you'll see email issues that you've shared here, as a symptom.
TD- I sometimes go commenting when slightly spannered, which isn't always wise.
I have done posts when slightly pissed, but neverjust for the hell of it. This, I guess, was mainly to realise angst.
Biblical literalism is annoying, certainly, and profoundly unhelpful. It means we overlook the universal truths, such as 'he who is without sin cast the first stone' and all that, which, really, is what Jesus is all about.
But pillars of salt, arks and seas parting, well, they belong with Frost giants and seas of milk; firmly in the cycle of myth.
I don't know, I think along with consciousness and reason, comes a moral responsibility to take control of our destiny. I don't think we should be ashamed of what we are, we are the most amazing thing that's ever happened, and potentially, we could get way more amazing yet.
You can't put the genie back in the bottle, it's there. But, it's how we use it. It's like cloning, genetic engineering, etc. We know these things now, we can't pretend we don't, so it's how we use them.
Welshcakes- I never went anywhere :) Pub across the road, that was it, really.
A very dull Easter, and I was on my own for most of it, which can make me a little down.
And to be honest, fallout from the Christmas fun was getting me down. But I've had some nice e-mails from people which cheered me up.
Eric- I think I was quite fired up towards the end.
I write, because it really does worry me, and yes, the implications are bloody scary.
Do you know 75% of the British pople WANTED the government to bring in 90 days internment without trial for terror suspects.
Er, South Africa under Verwoerd????
Crazy.
Thanks for the compliment, though.
Yes, the Republocrats, we have the same here, three different coloured brands, all committed to state capitalism. To call it Free Enterprise is a lie, it's an Oligopoly, pure and simple.
Burke's peerage, most libraries here keep a copy. It makes for interesting reading, though these days much of it is replicated in Wikipedia. I find some of the wierd inheritance rules interesting.
Here's one. There was an Earl of Queensberry, who upgraded to a Marquess, and then a Duke. Eventually, a Duke died childless.
Now this is where it gets interesting, Inheritance rules for Dukes are different to Marquesses, and BOTH titles had patents. So one relative became the Marquess of Queensberry, and another became the Duke of Queensberry.
No worries, I remember our Uni PCs. This was before broadband. Ten minutes to load a page, most times.
Ms S- It's possible. I can see why somebody would. There are some of my e-mail account passwords that probably need changing again. Most of them are quite obscure, but one is a little too easy, I think.
But pillars of salt, arks and seas parting, well, they belong with Frost giants and seas of milk; firmly in the cycle of myth.
Well, yes, but they tell truths: pillars of salt is surely a description of a nuclear attack - prophecy, misreading, whatever. Myth does not mean untrue. The myths of our culture are not falsehoods. The cycle of myth is a cycle of life. Kind of.
And, it is one of my pet topics: we're still living out that long period of nightmare, that Harold Macmillan dreamt of until he died, and that many men and women of my grandad's and dad's generation lived through and that I had as the backdrop to my childhood, with my own dreams of cruise missiles hanging beautifully over my house. It ain't over. It really ain't.
TD- :) It has been said, by Von Daniken and others, that the destruction of the cities of the plain IS a description of nuclear attack.
Atomic power is the modern Promethues, the damnation or redemption of man. Through it, we will create either heaven or hell.
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