D- Everything a Woman Should Be

As regular readers may know, my best mate the Baker, and former flatmate, D, are in the process of having a baby.

And it has my full seal of approval.

Both of them matter to me, both of them are good people, the best type of people, and I've always wanted what's best for them.
Initially, I had misgivings about them getting together. I felt it could put me in a difficult position if it went badly.

But in fact, it's worked out very well. They do truly deserve eachother.

She's a special girl, and I didn't want her hurt. Knowing the Baker, there was always that danger.
He's- er- had a a few women to say the least, and several have got hurt.

This time last year, he had four on the go at the same time.

And sometimes, this leads her to worry.

Of course, paradoxically, he's had his moments of jealousy too- he worried a little about D going on a hen night with her old mates.
Because D has been a bit wild in her past too, it's only fair to say. She also, had four men at one time, a few years back. And sexual fidelity isn't something she did much of either. If you judge women by their sexual past, you'd judge her harshly. If you do, of course, you're an idiot.
The girl is a diamond.

But the two of them HAVE actually been faithful to eachother, or if there has been a breach, it doesn't really count, and this I'm about to come to.

Why D is just such an amazingly sensible, adult and responsible person, and he's lucky to have her.

The Baker got himself into a very silly situation, back in 2006. He got drunk and slept with an opposite number in a company his company supply to.
Oops.
Because she took it seriously.

Now he had a problem here. He couldn't just blow her off, because if she let slip they'd slept together, it could harm his career.
So he had to keep seeing her.

Every time she came to Manchester, he had to sleep with her.
She wasn't very good at taking the hint.

Now, he and have discussed this till the cows come home, of course. I was telling him from June 2006 to get rid of her, but it lingered on, throughout that year, all through 2007 and only finally ended this August, when she moved to another company and their business paths no longer needed to cross.

Basically, he had to keep her sweet, for his career.
A meal and sex every couple of months with someone you don't really find attractive, I guess he felt it was a small price to pay.

I can empathise more now, than I did back in late 2006- early 2007.
As he said, he couldn't tell her straight, he found her unattractive, he had to spin her along, because a major contract was involved.

Well anyway, one spin off from this situation, his ongoing crisis, was that last August, it was her birthday party.
And she invited him.
Problem, because he was with D then.

Now fair play to him, he actually told her about the party, and told her he'd have to go. This in itself, I think, proves his desire to be honest with her, in a way he hasn't with women before.
And I'm aware that partly, that IS to do with me. Part of their success, and it DOES give me a warm fuzzy feeling, is that whilst the Baker would lie to a woman, without feeling any guilt about it, he'd never lie to me.

Nor would he put me in a situation where I'd directly have to lie to the person I live with.

So he was honest. He told her he'd have to go. He told her, he couldn't bring her. He told her he wouldn't be able to tell Hannah he now had a serious girlfriend, because she might get angry.

This is life, this is reality.
And of course, he hasn't said- but all three of us are thinking- he might have to sleep with her to keep her sweet.

Anyway.
He's at the party, down in Hampshire. These people are posh, society types (in fact, he later said, he found everyone there pretty objectionable and la-di-da).

D and me, we're sitting on the step, here at the flat, smoking.

D: You can see why I worry though. I know he wouldn't cheat on me normally, but in this case...

Crushed: You need to put it out of your mind. Don't think about it.

D: But he might have to. He might not be able to get out of it.

Crushed: Oh, D, D. Yes, it's possible. But just look at this way, he won't, unless he has no choice, it'll only happen, if his career truly is threatened if he doesn't. In which case, then, really...

I paused.

Crushed: I think what I'm trying to say, is ignorance is bliss. Whatever happens at that party happened down there, it doesn't affect anything for you and him, nothing. You'll never know the answer ever, so don't beat yourself up over it. Just assume that nothing happened, because really, whatever happens, nothing will have happened. Just carry on as if this party never happened. It's not for much longer. He'll be out of her clutches soon, regardless.

D smiled. Uneasily, but it was a smile.

I've never asked him what happened, D has never asked him what happened.
Nobody needs to know.
We're adults.

That's partly what makes her great. She doesn't argue, doesn't answer back, she's just a great girl.

She'd come in after me every evening, because she always went to see her Mum first, always say 'Hi, Chick! You eaten yet?'
I always said, she should treat the place as her own, she paid £250 a month to live here, but she was always respectful, always said 'It's your flat, decorate how you want.'
And she never, ever, raised her voice to me. Like she's never raised it to the Baker.

The Baker says that's her strength, and it is. If you speak harshly to her, (which people do, we ALL do it without meaning to), she just looks hurt and walks away.
Now that's a strength, in a woman. Because it makes you go after her.

I always feel guilty at even snapping at D. The Baker always says, you feel like you are kicking a puppy.

Oh, D doesn't know the difference between Labour and the Tories, she hasn't a clue. When me and the Baker chat, she just watches, mesmerised. It's not her thing.

But the Baker doesn't need her for intellectual chats, he has me for that.

What she gives him, is support and affection, and in return he'll give her protection.

She's NICE.
Sweet, cuddly, vulnerable, affectionate, passive, sensible.



A ladette, yet also very girly.
Drinks pints, plays pool, can be as crude as anyone else in the pub, but deep down, will always inspire one's protective instincts.

And yet she doesn't expect it. When she got pregnant, I know she and the Baker had already discussed one day living together, and she already loved him with all her heart. But she knew, and was prepared for the possibility, he might back off now it had become a little too real. She said- and again, I think it was to reassure me- 'Whatever happens, I'll have this baby. It's up to (Baker) how much he wants to do. I'll understand if he changes his mind about me now.'

Acceptance. Total acceptance in advance of the Baker getting totally freaked out and doing a runner. And forgiveness in advance if he did. If he decided that he couldn't sacrifice his career.
Fortunately, they've found a way to work round everything.

But that's a woman, that's a woman worth having.

You see they've got love, the way it should be. Not founded on promises, or wild emotions, but on something genuine, something proven.

She wants him to look after her, and he wants to look after her.
And that's the only basis a true love can have.

And yes, their love has definitely made me think what I want.

Because the only girl I did love, was very like D. We met at nineteen. I have to be honest and admit I'd only been with three girls then. She'd had a few more blokes (I was the sixteenth). No idea how I pulled her (I don't think I did really, I think we were both drunk and she grabbed me).

We never had intellectual conversations, she didn't really know much about politics. She knew she had voted Labour, but that was it. But she was loving, just the sort I needed then, just the sort I need now. And now I know, that she wasn't unique.

Because I can see really, that I always liked D, because she reminded me of Joanna.

And now, yes, I suppose there is a vision of the future I quite aspire to.
Maybe it's a pipedream, but I've got more faith in it now.

Fact is, the woman I'm really looking for is the one my friends have long been looking for, for me. They've rejected many up to now, for sound reasons. THEY know the woman who's right for me, and getting away from still being in love with Joanna, has meant I stop aiming for the opposite, for fear of falling in love and getting hurt, I'm now better equipped to aim for the kind of woman I really want.

And that is, in five years time on a Saturday afternoon, I want to be playing pool against the Baker at the Star, on my fourth or fifth pint, after watching Birmingham City slaughter the Villa 5-1. And I want D and the hypothetical Ms Crushed to be sitting at the bar, drinking their pints, attempting to control the horde of rugrats the four of us have between us.

And they'll both talk their talk, a girly friendship talk that they will have formed over the years, partly based on how they love their men, but find them frustrating, irresponsible and sometimes unintelligible, but still, they'll support us whatever we do.
We'll be discussing the finer points of industries, world politics etc, things that our women are not remotely interested in. They'll leave us to it.

They'll raise their eyes when we wander over and say we might stay out all night, don't be expecting us back in any fit state.

And they won't surprised if we don't show up home at all, till the morning. It won't be anything new. They'll hope we behaved ourselves, but know 'Them that asks no questions, don't get told no lies.'
Neither of them will ring us. They'll wait till they hear.

And when I do clamber into bed, finally she'll say 'What did you get up to?'
And I'll say 'Best not asked, really'.
And she'll leave it.
She'll just hold me close.

I don't think that's an IMPOSSIBLE vision, if you look in the right places. D and the Baker already have it.

After all, there's only person missing from the vision. Everything else is already there!

So really, I guess, I certainly don't plan on turning into a monk, but in terms of treating someone as a partner?

They'd have to fit the vision just described.
Someone D would relate to, and be able to see as a friend.
Partly because they'd need to be- they'd spend a fair bit of time together, but also because I've noticed, she's a very good judge of character. I can't think of anyone that I like that she doesn't, or vice versa.

I think we can feel lots of different things for people, passion, lust, etc. But if people argue, then something is wrong. An emotion is felt, but it isn't the right one. Because you don't fit.
It might be all powerful, it might dominate, one or both parties might think they're meant to be, that they can't live without the other.
But point is, perhaps living WITH the other, is worse.

D was miserable in her previous relationship. But they never argued. She would just go away and cry herself quietly to sleep.
She should have argued then, you say.

No.
This is the point. If it's meant to be, he'll notice, and he'll come find her and comfort her. He didn't.
But the Baker does, with D. I used to notice, with Joanna. I'd know if she was going to cry, and at those moments I felt a huge flush of love run through me, a huge desire to protect, to just kiss the tears away and say 'There, there, don't you worry, it's all going to be Ok, I've got you now. I'm here.'

A woman who shouts and stands on her ground and bangs on about how hard done by she is, just makes you even less sympathetic to her, than you were before. Nothing makes you hate a woman, than when she gets strident.

Girls like D know that. Or actually, they don't. It's just not their nature.

People need to fit. Their lives need to be able to work together.

That powerful tempest isn't Love, it's passion.



Love is, do they make you go 'AWWWW! She is so sweet' and just make you want to wrap them up and lock them away somewhere where they can't get hurt?

Vulnerability. Shyness. It's actually a huge attraction. If a woman doesn't have a certain vulnerability and a certain shyness, she really is hard to love.

Strident, over confident women don't seem to quite see that we may find them attractive enough to sleep with, but long term, we tire of them very quickly.

I don't want a girl who's thinking 'Men SHOULD want me. I'm amazing. I don't need a man, but a man would be LUCKY to have me.'
If you think that about yourself, trust me, I DON'T.

But a girl who's thinking 'Why don't men like me? Why do I just seem to get sex and not love? What's wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me?'
Not at all.
You're probably a truly amazing girl, hiding her light in the dark. And it's a girl like you, I'm looking for.

It's personality. That's the type of girl D is AND Joanna was. They felt that, I think, very much.
I want to take a girl who feels like that, and stop her feeling that by showing her every day how much I DO love her.

I want to take her pain into me.
I want to carry her.

Give me a girl like that, the only type worth having.