Why Should Everybody Have To Fulfill A Certain Ideal?

It has been implied of late by certain bloggers that those of us who don't 'grow up' and settle down with a wife and raise a family, are somehow doing life wrong.
We're just not trying hard enough. Married, (heterosexual), family men (or women). That's what we should all try and do.

Regardless of who we are, how we think, how we feel.
Tough.

Get on with it. Enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, you're just not TRYING hard enough.
Jesus wants us to marry and raise a family.

Really?
Tell that the Pope, then.
He must have missed your message.

To them I say, it's YOUR IDEAL. It fulfilled you- twice- you want to fufull again. Go right ahead. I'm not stopping you. It obviously would make you very happy.

But what about, for the many of us, who for whatever reason, couldn't live like that? They know from experience, they can't.

And these reasons aren't the same. There are many reasons why people are not designed to fulfill that image.
One is reason is sexuality. Another is desire to have more than one partner. But there is a third reason. A major one. Because it can't fit in with your life.

And that's sometimes about choices. It's about what you put first, how you make your decisions, how you build alliances and WHAT alliances you come to rely on.

I don't like visiting my Mum for the simple reason, she wants to ask questions. It's a constant battle fending them off. But most especially, she keeps bringing up the subject of me settling down. And it's always the same 'Look, it's never going to happen. Just get that idea out of your head.'
And then the why questions.

And I can't get her to see the answer 'I'm just not suited to it. I actually CAN'T do it.'

I realise, honestly, that no one is ever going to pass the test. I can see the way the test is set up, and it doesn't allow anyone to get through from that direction. It DOES allow people to pass, just not coming from that direction. Therefore, logically I'd have to change the testing mechanism. And I can't do that, because otherwise, the mechanism is brilliant in doing what it is supposed to do; keep me safe, keep those I want close to me and protect me from everyone else.

There are basically two ways people set up a life strategy. By a life strategy, I mean that process of alliance forming that we all do, because that's really what life is. That is it's greatest fulfillment. We do it, to live.



Many grow up in a family, then leave it, and seek to form a new one.

Others are less close to their families and learn to rely on the networks they build up themselves. Everyone is constantly re-evaluated on the basis of fresh information. Trust is earned over a long period of favourable evaluation, until eventually one trusts someone fully.

At which point, they become as close, as families do to the first type.

And in fact, it's very open. The more you get to know people, the more you show them. Do they continue to be worthy of your trust, now you've shown them things? Do they still act towards you, in a way that makes you feel comfortable? Or have you just seen something you don't like?

Do they let you down when you need them?
Do they place demands on that you can't meet?

And you don't need to set tests for them- life will do that. Just watch what they do.
Keep giving the trust. That's the mistake most people make- they are to slow to give trust. Unless you give a bit, you can't judge what people will do with it. Keep giving trust, until you know you've given too much, then, forgive but don't forget- never trust them again.

And eventually, you'll know. They will either have shown themselves worthy, proved themselves, gained admittance to your inner sanctum, or been rejected forever.
That process could take months. It could take years.

There are certain people who have earned places of precedence in my life. And that means it would take someone years to rise to first place in that system. It's probably not doable, for anyone.
No matter how much I felt for them, fact is, at present, even were they earn my trust, I can only offer position number six at most. It COULD conceivably be possible for someone to get there in six months, two people on there got there that quick.
But then, any further progress, would take years at best, but I say, probably be impossible.

The people higher up the list will always matter more.

It's the fact that they've never let me down. They've proved themselves. I'd fight for them, I will not lose them.

The fact is, being the person I share my bed with, even if it was to be every night, doesn't guarantee pole position in my life- it can't. It's not on offer. Being a romantic interest, doesn't make you that important in my life- a ton of things are more important. Romance is expendable.

And there's the pressure. I can't deal with that. The pressure of being solely responsible for someone's elses well being and happiness. It's too much of a burden to put on my shoulders. I do not want to be someone elses's world. Part of it yes, all of it, no.



Oh, don't get me wrong, I love affection, attention, intimacy.

But I can't be done with the rest of it. I HATE it. The 'quality time', the possessiveness, the wanting to share every moment of their lives with you, the believing that they should always be on your mind, the interference in areas of your life where THEY shouldn't be.

My quality time is too good to be wasted. I've only got a finite supply.

So, put bluntly. Affection, attention, intimacy.
But at a price tag I can afford, please!

I've got too much to lose.