Friday 24 October 2008

Curious Perfection, Serendipitous Serenity

A strange kind of peace is starting to settle over me.
A curious serendipity.

It clicked to me in the Star last night.

I love Haydee. I do. But now I realise that has passed beyond in to the kind of realm where logically, if you really think about it, it HAD to end up if it was true. Bearing in mind exactly how I'm programmed.

There is a girl drinks in the Star who is quite pretty. Pretty, but not an intellectual by any shot. There's been a certain bit of sexual chemistry going on for a while, started a few weeks back with what was, even if I have to say so myself, a class entrance on my part.

Crushed: I see you have my name tatooed on your arm (because she did).
Jenna: No, it's my ex. I haven't got round to having it removed.
Crushed:(Winking) Don't bother. You never know when you might want it done again.

Since then, the traffic has kind of been moving in high grade physical contact direction.
And as she stroked my arm last night, I realised I was definitely getting aroused. And badly wanted to get her in the sack. In fact I had to go home and ponder just what it meant that something else had cropped into my mind.

How little I actually want Haydee to touch me like that. If she did, I think I'd freak out. Fly backwards as if electrocuted.
The concept has now moved to the point it seems almost blasphemous to allow her to touch you in that way. If she offered, you actually would decline.

And also, you're actually quite relieved that you get to not only feel the love you do for her, but are still free to practise your normal modes of her behaviour in more familiar terrain. As in, barmaids, girls who work as supermarket cashiers, admin girls, etc.
You're generally more comfortable with that. You go out for drinks together sometimes, you watch films together, you have sex a lot. But that's it. You enjoy eachother's company, because she's fun. And the great thing is, you can have as many of these going at once and as you can fit in.

In other words, it occurred to me that the Chimney Sweep, in one of his rare moments of Wisdom summed it up last weekend 'Crushed, isn't it about time you started sleeping around again? It's not like you to be like this for so long'.

And I can't help thinking that in truth, he's right.

Fact is, I prefer it. I do miss it. And the more I think about it, the more I think 'Aren't things actually best the way they are? In terms of me and Haydee'.

Because actually, they are. Because she's actually got a boyfriend now. So really, that means that her happiness is kind of guaranteed. And in fact, I've been lot calmer in her company since she has. I guess I feel the pressure is off. I can't push the case for myself. But really, didn't I just THINK I wanted her to love me back.

I wonder. I want her in my life forever, sure, but haven't I actually already got what I want? A friend I can love WITHOUT having to be in a 'relationship'. It is the perfect solution. I get to have all the good parts of being in love, without the downsides. All I need to do to maintain this perfection forever, ironically, is to start sleeping around again.

Because I realise how fulfilling, invigorating and rewarding this loving someone thing is. I'm overwhelmed by my feelings for her.

But I couldn't cope with the pressure of trying to fulfill hers.

And the thing is, I've realised, I don't need to. And I can go enjoy all the rest of it, in safer places. Women you don't need to fear.

You see, it has to be conceded that if she were to requite my feelings, we would actually be in a potentially hazardous situation, ultimately doomed to failure. Because the temptation would be to attempt a relationship of some kind. And that would be fraught with problems.

The first problem, is the one I've said 'wouldn't be an issue', though of course, it is.

It's the principle of her 'approval'.

It's the fact that she knows me well enough to know that even though we've been friends a year, she hasn't been through that approval process all prospective new additions to my adoptive family must go through. Strictly speaking, according to my own life rules, she's an outsider. She isn't of course, but she hasn't really a 'license' to be in the inner sanctum, if you like. And if she was to be in some sense a partner of some degree of permanency, she'd need that.

And she doesn't think much of that concept, nor much believe me when I say that rule wouldn't need to apply to her. We both know I'm being uncandid on this one. It's my belief that admittance to my life means admittance to the life of my friends, it's a club and all the members have rights of veto. It has been forever thus. And it's not something I'm likely to change.

There are sound reasons it's like this. I assume my request to admit a potential partner into our social circle MAY not be objective. Theirs will be. They will know if this is a person who will be a welcome addition to our group, or may be someone pulls me away from the rest.

In other words, I want their considered opinion not only on whether they think she's right for me, but more importantly, do they fear she'll break up the group dynamic.

Certainly when I ask my two CLOSEST friends, I am also asking them to choose on selfish grounds. I believe they have the perfect right to veto someone just because they think they might affect pre-existing friendships. Because that's really I'm asking them.

And the Baker is VERY picky. In fact, he just doesn't approve anyone. 'She's not right for you' is his general view.

I tried to point out to Haydee that the Baker's is an altruistic type of selfishness. He's usually quite happy when I'm getting it, because then I'm happier, but equally he prefers it when he is my prime protector. Because he doesn't trust anyone else with that responsibility. So he will keep all women away, unless he can be sure they'll accept not being the person in my life I trust most and involve in my decision processes which I would do to the exclusion of her. He knows that's what I want, that he is the one person I'll always trust implicitly to have my best interests at heart, and he'll keep anyone away who can't accept that.

Now the thing is, as I point out to Haydee, I think she would actually be approved. I can't guarantee it, but I think she might be. But the problem is, Haydee would always know deep down, that she had had to be approved, that she will continually be watched and have to accept the fact that there were large areas of my life where I involved other people and didn't involve her.

And if I'm honest, something else would happen too. I'd almost certainly RETRACT areas I already allow her into. At least in the short term. Because I'd be concerned by what I call a 'dual mandate'. I'd be worried she had access to too much of my life and remove some of the trust she had previously had as a friend. Questions she know gets straight answers to, would now become ones I evaded. Without reason. Even questions like 'When did you last eat?'

I tell her that now, she doesn't need to ask. If we were in a relationship of some kind, I'd avoid answering. I'd do everything I could to only give her any information about anything on a need to know basis.

Because I'd instinctively see her as a potential threat. Because much as I think I want her that close, fact is, I've never had anyone that close as we'd be. Over the last year she's become one of my best friends. Which would put her in real danger of becoming what I truly fear.

Someone having a monopoly over me.

My entire life is geared up to prevent that. It's geared up with complex mechanisms of checks and balances to ensure that my entire life is protected by a series of interlocking people, no one of them, or no group of them having too much power. The only indispensable pieces, are my closest friends. They are indispensable, because ultimately, they fulfill the basic functions.

This, of course, is why I keep my family at arms length. The logic is simple; I don't trust them. Logically, they're a threat. They gained power over your life, without ever proving themselves trustwise. As soon as I was able to, I removed myself from their lives to remove that power. Only when I was reasonably satisfied they no longer really knew me, therefore had no power to press any buttons, did I guardedly let them back in. Once I had the ability to impose terms.
And now I'm starting to allow them in to understand me a little- because they've proved they can be trusted. To a degree.

They have my phone number. They didn't always.

Would she feel the cold? I think so. I can't see how it could be avoided.

Secondly, the whole fidelity business.

You see, I say that I'd promise fidelity to her, whilst NOT requiring the same, but I can see huge problems with that. In other words, I can't guarantee how I'd respond to the woman I love loving me back. There's a possibility that the sheer fear of having put all my eggs in the only basket they could actually get broken in, would actually
make me COMPULSIVELY unfaithful. Because I have noticed, the more I like a girl, the sooner and the more compulsively I 'cheat'. It's like a safety mechanism I've adopted to guard against one person gaining control over me. And the way I was feeling about that girl last night I know damn well that next time, chances are I will just bed her. And a large part of that is the need to prove to myself that other women can still do it for me, that I'm not danger of becoming dependant. Not that I am for living independently either, the life I have evolved is essentially, interdependant.

So there's always the chance that if I did have a more serious relationship with Haydee, I wouldn't be able to stop myself WANTING to cheat due to fear of her gaining a monopoly over me.

Because at the hear of it is the point that I'd feel guilty about lying to her, but in principle I don't actually agree with sexual chastity, I'd have made the promise to make her happy. and I'd be sincere in the giving of it, but I'd go for a drink, get panicky about how much I loved her and how much she could hurt me, worry that I needed to check my safety nets and then compulsively go on the flirt because I just needed to check the systems.

And if I got drunk enough, I could very well just end up in bed with someone. To be reassured.

This might not be the case. It's possible I just couldn't do that to her, actually lie to her. A large part of me thinks maybe I couldn't. But the point is, I don't KNOW. Not for sure.

Nor am I even sure I'd actually be able to have sex with her, in point of fact. I rather think the idea has become almost blasphemous in my head and I really would feel huge guilt at the thought. This may sound bizarre. But the problem is, I do idolise her. And that means she's kind of got mixed up with shades of Mariolatry and other Catholic guilt hang ups I find it hard to snap out of. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'd actually love her TOO much for sex to be much of anything for a while. It would be conquerable, I guess, but I can see it looming into view as a logical consequence of the fact, I have actually turned her into my faith. Now my Catholicism has kind of become a little more esoteric and I no longer believe in a still living Mary, I have made her my substitute. I'm aware of that. I don't actually see her as a mortal human being. She is the goddess I worship.

And then we come to the point- if we then DID have a successful sex life at some point, would I still worship her the way I do now?

Yes, I think so. After all, it's certainly not that I believe sex dirties her, merely that's its kind of blasphemous for me to sully her that way, so if I could get over my feelings of somehow committing sacrilege, it wouldn't lower her. It would kind of raise me to heights I wouldn't have thought possible.

And then, I guess everything would change. And I guess if I'd really got that point, I probably would let her in all the way. But then again, I might not. There is still one final hurdle. She doesn't want children. And never will, I think. Much as I tell her I could live with that, it's probably not true.

But looking at it, the chances of it making it that far have to be slim.
And I'd end up losing her. As a friend as well.

I'd lose what I already have.

And as it stands, I love her and I have her in my life to a a hugely satisfactory degree.
I am in no danger of ever losing her from my life as things stand.

So paradoxically, the best way to be sure the woman I love is always in my life to this hugely satisfying level, is never to allow things to go further.

It actually guarantees me perpetual happiness. I am actually guaranteed happiness for the simple reason the person I love DOESN'T love me.
It's a perpetual protection.

I realise, looking at it, that's the most perfect solution anyone could have devised for my life.

Because it kind of frees me.

It frees to me to find true happiness.

Curious Perfection.

Serendipitous Serenity.


Anonymous said...

This woman must really be something judging by the length and content of the posts about her. Admittedly, I just skim through because they are quite long. How do you think she feels about having this homage of sorts documented on your blog? Just curious.

Anonymous said...

As a general rule, she knows in advance a post is being written about her. I generally tell her.
And once it's posted, I give her the right to remove passages she doesn't like.

She's never asked me to remove anything. In fact, on one occasion when she disagreed with a line, I can't remember what it was, I reached for the mouse to edit it and she said 'Don't you dare edit it! If that's how you see me, that's how it stays. It's how you see me you're expressing, not how I see me'.

I think she worries sometimes that she could possibly be identified as a result, but we both sing on the same hymn sheet there. Nobody but me will ever be able to identify her by name. Ever. And she knows that. She is my guilty secret and I will protect it with my life :)

Anonymous said...

Gosh, I can't even fathom somebody would write a huge post like this over me and us and what we mean etc.
My husband couldn't even write a speech on our wedding day.