Thursday 16 October 2008

It Hurts You, But You Must Accept It And Move On

We all get hurt in life.

Life is not a picnic, not even for us, in our warm homes, with our full freezers, with our cosy pubs, even for us, life is not a picnic.

Life will never be a picnic. Because no matter what advances our society makes, we will remain human. we will continue to experience as we go through. That will never change. We will continue, day by day to learn about eachother- and ourselves.

Thus it always was, thus it will always be.

Life isn't always fair. Life doesn't always work out the way we want. But we cannot stand there and blame imaginary monsters. Sometimes in life the fact we didn't get our way doesn't mean we were wronged. It just means we didn't get our way.

I love someone with all my heart, they may never love me. C'est la vie. Just because I love her doesn't mean she must love me back.

But this isn't about her. It's about you.

You see, deep inside I find it hard to truly hate you. Oh, the very thought of you makes my flesh creep. I have nightmares about you in truth. But I understand that deep within you, underneath that bitter rancour, lies a thwarted love. Aye, I can see that.

I saw that straight away, your capacity to love. Because you have that, the capacity to love, the capacity to feel, the capacity to care.

And without those qualities, the human race is doomed. But with them too, it may be doomed. Because people do not hate because they seek to hate, underneath all hate is a twisted love.

And I understand that for you, the bitter truth is a complete assault on your dignity, it's too much for you to take, the bitterness of your rejection, the tearing up of a dream in which you had invested so much.

I understand that. I know what it's like to dream the same dream in your heart that you dream in your head.

You first spoke to me in May 2007, but hate has dominated yoyr life far longer than love ever did.

You will say- and do- that I made you fall in love with me. I think you attribute too many dark powers to me. I allowed you to fall in love with me, perhaps that much is true. You are not the first to fall in love with me and be rejected, and I doubt you'll be the last.
You will say I led you on. Maybe I encouraged you up to a point, but I am not responsible for you not reading between the lines.

Did I love you? Not in the way you wanted me to, no. I appreciated your capacity for love and saw in it something that could be turned into something positive, something constructive. In a sense, I love most people, anyone in whom the capacity to love and emote is present. Anyone in whom there is hope. Anyone who can escape the need to shout 'Never let Myra Hindley out', anyone who can escape the need to think in terms of 'my enemy'.

As I often say to my boss, 'I even love you, bald as you are'.

Because the point about Free Love is that it isn't about sex. It's about extending that feeling of love that most people try and keep exclusive, into something inclusive. It's about trying to love everyone the way Christ taught us to. It's about that bit where he says love your enemies too, because if you love only those that love you, where's the value in that?

You see, the point you find hard to grasp is this. I took a measure of your love, and I found it wanting. And this was what you couldn't take. You gave all the love in your heart, and it was wanting.

It was wanting, because it was love of the wrong kind. It was not a love I wanted. I do not want to be loved the way you loved me, I do not want anyone to feel for me the way you did for me. You have to understand this. It was your love itself, the way you loved, it was THAT that I loathed.

The way your love expressed itself.

Because your love could not pass the tests. It could not show itself to be pure and wholesome, it carried the dirty taint of animal passion, the desire to own, the desire to possess, the desire to lay claim to.

In truth, it failed, because it had no capacity to sacrifice. It had no capacity to make altruistic choices.
In short, your key concern was what you thought would aid your perception of having a relationship, not in truth, what was best. It was lacking in reason, lacking in platonic sentiment, lacking in objectivity, and lacking in higher principles. It was born of the loins and your passions and- I just don't want that from anyone. Not for anything more than a quick drunken fuck.

I do not say that to love me is easy. Many have tried and all have been rejected. Because, being honest, for your love, or anyone's to be of any real value to me, it has to be conceived in total altruistic objectivity. It has to come purely from the mind.

I do not doubt that your passions were sincere. But they came to dominate you to the degree that you could not see that your love, in itself, could only make me miserable.

Because in True Love, the desire to make someone happy exceeds the desire to have them. And in your case, the desire to have me exceeded your desire to make me happy.

You broke rules. You never understood the rules.

Which are firstly, that no one I am in contact with in any way should be aware of you, unless I decide otherwise. I will never acknowledge publicly to your existence. Or to anyone who asks.
And secondly, you stay away from all areas of my life I haven't invited you into.
Thirdly, that you never contact me, you wait to be contacted. And you never break that. If I don't contact you, feel free to move on.

And lastly, most importantly. When you're not happy, walk away. Don't come arguing and shouting. Just walk away. It actually works. Because if I miss you, I'll come after you, I'll compromise.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and point to the points you broke. You know which ones they were.

Nor am I saying they look reasonable or fair. I never said they were.

But shall I tell you something?

If someone proved they could live up to those points, I'd be comfortable relaxing some of them. Really, they only exist till I know I can trust you to instinctively understand the reasons why these are the rules.

Shall I tell you something?
I have actually passed someone, in my head. And they weren't even trying to pass. But I know they pass. They don't much care that they've passed, they don't want the prize.

But you didn't pass. You failed.

You were rejected. You were rejected because you were so concerned with your ego and the things you wanted, you had no concern for what I wanted.

You couldn't understand that I'd rather have a life alone and unloved than have a love like yours anywhere near me.

But you forgot, I don't have a life alone and unloved. I never will. I'm not that sort of person.

I understand it hurts. I understand it hurts to offer all the love you have and for that love to be roundly rejected as wanting. But it is. I can't change that.

There is someone out there who wants to be loved they way you want to love. But I don't. You love people like a mother bear loves her cubs. I don't need that.

I need someone I can cuddle up to on the sofa in total silence. I need someone who is there when I need them, but understands I need space. Space in my life. Areas they do not share. I need someone who values their intellectual connection with me, but does not seek to own my mind or interfere with it connecting with anyone else. I need someone who never questions, someone who is passive, shy, a little fragile, someone who looks down and blushes when I stroke their cheek. I need someone a lot cooler than you in temperament.

I need someone who understands that they will always be excluded from a large part of my life, but what I give them, is worth having.

And I need someone who understands that in my mind I'm always ready for the day I say 'I'm off. The day has come.'

The day I have to go, because my principles are calling, and that day will mean I never come back.
Because that day may come.

I understand this tears you up.
I understand you felt hurt.
I understand you lost the ability to think rationally.

But what would you have had me do? Make you happy? And waste my life in unhappy misery?

Or do the right thing and reject you. Because from the point of view of the rest of the world, it was the right thing. Right for me, right for my friends, right for my future, and yes, I believe right for the World as a whole. Because my life will be more constructive the further away from it you are.

And I may be arrogant, but I don't believe my life is worth nothing. With you in it would have been. That's what you need to understand.

And I know you need to blame someone for that. You need to blame me. And you need to convince yourself that no woman could make me happy, that I'm an evil being who leads women on to spurn them and break their hearts.

But I'm not wasting my life with the wrong one.

You need to face the fact. YOU couldn't make me happy. YOU. YOU couldn't make a man you fell in love with happy. And you're having trouble facing this for a simple reason.
Because it makes you feel a failure. I understand that. I understand how damaging to your self esteem it must be to be rejected by someone you really thought would be the love of your life.

But you're not a failure. I'm in the same boat. I've fallen head over heels about someone and they don't feel the same about me. I think she's perfect for me, I'd die for her, but she doesn't feel the same. Yes, it hurts. But out of that hurt, good things can still come.

You've learned to feel love. And that's good. Don't let it eat you up in bitterness. Don't let it fuel your hate.

There are people out there who want the sort of love you have to offer. But I don't. That's what you need to get your head round. Ultimately, I just don't want the type of love you have to offer. I don't want it anywhere near me. But look around you, there are people who do.

So find them.

There is someone out there who will benefit from what you have to offer. But not me. Not me. And no one has to feel bad about that.

It's life.

This love and be loved thing- no one said it was easy. You've proved you can feel love, so that's a step in the right direction. Now just find a way to harness it- find a way to do it RIGHT next time. Because life's too goddamn short.

And one thing you need to remember- love is all about humility. No place for dignity where love is concerned.

Love is a beautiful thing. I love someone so much it makes my heart sing, in spite of the fact they don't feel the same way. And Ihave loved then for about a year now.
I hope you can find that, I do.

I grant you absolution.

Go in peace.


Anonymous said...

I get the feeling this should really be a private email, but maybe it got taken out of that domain so now you pursue it here.

I think you are basically saying you don’t want ‘possessive’ love. That it is something you don’t do and shy away from in others.

Your rules are more a test a slightly unreasonable one, than hard and fast rules. Maybe to filter out certain sorts of love, possessive love?

That not contacting you rule... Certainly not reasonable… If it were me? Well I contact who I choose when it is reasonable to do it. Rules, as they say are for the guidance of the wise…

I didn’t put this in the public domain, I guess you two did and that sort of invites comment. Anyone tells me to mind my business and I’ll say “Should have kept it private”. So reading between the lines…

The fall out from this. It can not be doing anyone any good at this point.

It needs to be let go, not forgotten, but take some experience and wisdom from it. Maybe put down the bad stuff and walk away from it.

Toxic feelings like that drives you to things. Things that are not good for you, ends up causing at least as much hurt to the ones who feel it if not more. I think it would be wise to actively let it go.

*Moggs climbs down from the soapbox*

Anonymous said...


It certainly did get taken out of the private domain.
As far as I am concerned these things belong in the private domain in their entirity. I have always made clear I do not publicly acknowledge romantic interests, whether under the name Crushed, or under my real life name.

Well, yes in fact I'm not unreasonable with contact. Reasonble know when is and isn't appropriate.

A line has been drawn. Hatred is a futile and damaging emotion, and I will not allow myself to be affected be it.

My conscience is clear and I offer the person this was written to to let go of their own bitterness and hate and move on to truly embrace the emotions they are capable of feeling in a positive way.

Line drawn.

Anonymous said...

*barfs on blog again*

Sometimes imaginary monsters are very real. You just didn't see them until it was too late because they were busy smiling to your face while shitting all over you.

No, sometimes the people you love don't love you back. It's a fact of life.

However, letting go of someone who doesn't love you and letting go of injustice are two completely different things.

Love isn't about manipulating people to love you, nor is it about using people to get ahead.

Perhaps maybe you could write about that crushed.

And then tell people the real reason site meter is attached to this blog...

you little "imaginary" asshole you.