Saturday 11 October 2008

Who I Am And What The Message Is All About

I am human, all too human.

And you need to think carefully what I mean by that.

I am a human being. A descendant of brute beasts, a descendant yet further still of mindless worms.
I am a human being.
A progenitor of the Gods that will come.

I am mortal. I am made of flesh and bone. I have rational thoughts, I have irrational thoughts.

I can comprehend the structure of matter itself.
And I can get drunk and end up in bed with a total stranger.

This is what it means to be human. The pinnacle of creation, not perfection yet, but continuously evolving towards it.

We hold in our heads the vision, not that from which we fell, but that which we will be.
We worship not our maker, but the vision of our descendants.

Now on to me. The me I am.
One blogger out there devotes a good part of his blogging life to fighting that 'Messianic figure', that flawed evil genius that is me, seducing you with my poisoned messages designed to lead you astray.
I am a dark but seductive Charles Manson figure, pushing the covert agenda of dark forces.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was to convince the world he didn't exist, and I the Anti-Christ of Blogland push his lies; Nietzche, Darwin, Marx, Free Love. And I dare to link these ideas to the teachings of Christ.

Messianic. Anti-Christ.
We'll come back to those.

And then there are those obsessed with the inherent danger of my persona. I seduce like a wrecker's light to smash you on the rocks. I am dangerous by virtue of existing. We have the crazy woman in the wilderness who cries and cries 'Beware this Bluebeard, this man is a danger to women. They will fall in love and get hurt- like I did.'

And there are those who question whether I am even entirely sane.

It has taken me up to the age of thirty to truly grasp my own nature, come to terms with it and make positive use of it. And whether I do make use of it, is up to you to decide.

Because amidst all the worst that is said of me, aye, truth is hidden.

I remember a teacher at school saying 'He cannot help but be a presence. And he chooses to use that to act as a force of disruption and a focus for negativity'.

Without being vain- though I cannot say this without it sounding vain- I am one of those people blessed with that unique combination that together make up that package described as charisma.

I have. I always have had it, and it's a hard burden to carry. Because even when people love you, a part of them hates you. Because men will develop an irrational fear of you, women you spurn will develop an irrational obsession with you, because nothing, nothing you ever do, doesn't affect things. You go through life and you WILL touch it, you touch everything you come into contact with for good or ill.

And no one coaches you through this. You are a child armed with nukes, in a social sense. You have no one to guide you. You, you yourself have to learn the hard way. That YOU, you cannot afford not to think. You really are responsible for those you come into contact with. You really do carry heavy responsibilities for being handed that burden.

Because it is a burden.

What is Charisma?
Because we do often overuse it. We refer to people as having it, when actually, the reality is, they just happen to be a bit charming.

I would say that it rests mainly in the structure of the brain, though not entirely. I think it rests in being intelligent in a way that is relatively rare. What you'd call visionary thinking. High ability to conceptualise, high ability to find patterns and establish new ones. A wide spread of interests. A charismatic person is probably BOTH artistic AND scientifically minded.

And of course, ability to communicate, ability to attract.

I often look at myself in photographs and wonder why, what is it about the distinctly willowy figure, that rather harsh face, what is it that that has clearly led so many to become almost unhinged by obsession. What is it about that decidedly unattractive form that has created such a trail of broken hearts? Why is it that once met, never forgotten? What is it about that tiny, elfin body that gives it such presence.

And then I look up from the basin and see my face in the mirror and a good part of it hits me straight away.

A few women in the past have said I pretty much hypnotise people. And actually, they are probably correct. Seriously. I don't know I'm doing it consciously, but I think I probably do hypnotise, at an unconscious level. In the flesh my eyes just ARE something that you can't escape. And of course, I always maintain full eye contact in conversation.
And my voice. It depends on how I'm using it, but when I'm using it to it's full potential, I'm aware it does have definite hypnotic qualities. I've heard recordings of it, when I'm really laying on the honey, and it IS, though I say so myself, seductive. Especially when I go 'Mmmm'. And strong. It carries.

So I suppose it's true to say, if you wanted to define the qualities Svengali was supposed to have, yes, I have them.
Or Rasputin, perhaps.

I'm not physically attractive at all, but I can convince anyone I am. I'm a bit like Monosodium Glutamate.

So yes, as an individual that probably makes me slightly hazardous. People seem to fall in love with me to a degree of obsession very easy, whereas to me, they're generally easy come, easy go. It isn't true that any of my exes ever committed suicide, btw, but a lot of the women in my life have had great difficulties accepting a request to sling their hook.

Recently I've tried to deal with this by what I refer to as the 'candid disclaimer'. By this I mean a general warning I give all women who come near me. It pretty much runs as follows 'A lot of women have fallen in love with me and then decided that I'm a complete bastard. I'm easy to fall in love with, but for me these things are often little more than infatuations. I like all the lovey dovey getting to know you stuff, but I get bored easy. I never lie, but I evade a lot. Women always think they can change me, but they never can. I have hurt a lot of women, and I wish I didn't'.

My best mate says the 'candid disclaimer' is kind of the ultimate in what he would describe as my systematic approach. It's clever, because it appears candid and appears to be saying 'I've been honest with you, that fact in itself makes you different'.
But no, the point is I'm that honest with all the girls, and everything I say to you I probably say to all the girls, and the real point of the candid disclaimer is this; 'I warned you. I'm not responsible now if you get hurt. Fall in love with me if you want to take the risk. Because to me, this is easy come, easy go. Play by my rules, or don't play. Simple as'.

When it's written as starkly as that, you probably think 'What a bastard'.

But you're wrong. Because a lot of this is just instinctive to me, it's the life I have always lived. I don't deliberately exploit people, I'm just used to people making allowances for me. I'm used to having work colleagues going round sorting out my messes for me, I'm used to people buying me drinks, I'm used to being given that extra bit of attention, that slightly preferential treatment that others don't get. I don't sit around planning to use it to my advantage.

I think a lot of Charismatic people are often quite neurotic too. It seems to come with the territory. I think it's clear I suffer from a few neuroses- the obvious ones being Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and my obvious eating disorder. But I'd also say I had a sleep disorder. I do not have a regular sleeping pattern, that's for sure.

I think that's inevitable. They're the downside of having a mind that is perpetually slightly in another world, always processing several trains of thought at the same time, a mind obsessed with systems and patterns, a mind which never shuts down properly. People don't believe me when I tell them I can go days without a meal, and for the most part, it's because I actually forget when I last ate. I probably go to the pub more often than I have a proper meal.

Then of course, there are days I'll have several meals.

It's nerves basically. I have a huge amount of nervous energy and pretty much have to find ways of sedating myself, of calming myself down. I have to carry kinder egg toys around with me perpetually.

When I write a post like this, I can smoke up to ten cigarettes in its composition.
And I'm already on my second coffee.

People tell me I think too much. Someone once said to me 'How do you ever sleep?' I told them 'With difficulty'.

What does that mean?

Well, the obvious person who was messianic, was obviously the Messiah. But often that term is used quite darkly. It is used to describe someone with Charisma who puts forth a vision. And of course, who else would you really expect to put forward visions, other than the Charismatic? Not all Charismatics are visionaries, but if you think about it, it comes with the territory.

Are Charismatics flawed people? As people, very often so, I think. I think Christ was probably a very flawed human being, I've said many times, we don't know what he got up to in his wilderness years. What we do know, is that his followers kept it quiet. Was Christ perhaps a bit neurotic himself? Maybe, yes. I've often looked at certain passages in the NT and thought I could see it in him, yes.

Moses, Buddha, Christ, Julius Caesar, Blake, Lenin, Hitler, Jim Morrison, and yes, dark figures like Charles Manson.

It's a character type. They had visions, and they knew how to sell them. And ultimately, the selling of that vision became everything to them.

Truly alone inside, and only truly content when feeling that warm glow of the vision.

Well, I'll come clean.

My vision is the most important thing in my life. I live every day believing, believing in the Utopia to come.
I do not care much about what becomes of me.

I do not care if you shoot the messenger.
But I care about the message.

Look at the list above. There are some good names in there, and some bad ones. But I think generally, their personality types were very similar. It's just some sold good visions by good means, some sold good visions by evil means, some sold evil visions by good means, some sold evil visions by evil means.

So judge me on mine.

I believe that the Capitalist epoch is coming to a close. And I believe that we, the intelligentsia of humanity bear the responsibility for affecting a peaceable transition to a New Order, a bloodless revolution, not just political but cultural.

I believe we have to start co-ordinating peaceably to organise a mass withholding of our labour. I believe we have to start saying as a world 'We no longer accept your social contract'.

I believe we have to organise global passive resistance, we have to wait till the day the system can really no longer deliver, even to us, the parasites of the west and then say no.
By doing this, we will emasculate the powers that be, before the crisis to come descends in to what in social terms, will be the third global civil war. Because that's what the two world wars were. The civil wars of a united globe. And we can't risk a third one.

We need to peacably remove our masters by just refusing to obey. And we need to agree a date on which we do that. And I say, May 1st 2025.

And then we need to do what needs to be done.
We need to take the resources at our disposal and put the lot under the control of direct global democracy.
We need to spend ten years creating an infrastructure of equal quality and efficiency across the globe.
We need to work out just how much human labour actually needs to be put in to keep that running, and divide that labour accordingly. We need to move over to making all decisions by direct computerised democracy, we the people in our entirety fulfilling the legislative functions.

We need to have our Executives split up into multiple specialist functions, each Executive accountable daily, and dismissible on a daily basis.
We need to disarm the globe.
We need a World government.

We need to start putting all the human energy and resources thus freed from our archaic system into expanding the realm of Man, to expanding off this rock and facing the next chapter of existence.

And we need to finally complete the sexual/feminist revolution. The second phase of the sexual revolution, will be the third and final phase of the feminist revolution.

When sex stops being dirty. When women take pride in the number of their sexual partners, a proof of the pleasure they've given and shared, rather then wear it as a badge of shame.
When sex can truly take it's place as what it is, the most powerful expression of what humanity is.

Let promiscuity become the new virtue of the New Order- the virtue of a species that gives it's love freely and has learned not to own.

And let us remove all constraints to people finding their own path to happiness, where those paths do not interfere in the paths of others.

Let us live in a state of Free Love and Communism. Let us be self-governing, in that the people themselves, in their entirety form the three branches of government.

Let us rescue the word Anarchy from meaning something chaotic and lawless and show that we can make Anarchy into a positive and civilised, technologically advanced mode of living, one which will lead us on to become star-travelling Supermen.

Let us rescue the word Hedonism from meaning something amoral, and make it into a belief that mankind and womankind should live to give and receive joy.

This is Man living how Christ would have wanted Man to live in the 22nd Century, with the technology man will have in that century.

This is Man living how Marx predicted he would live, once the Capitalist Epoch ended.

This is Man striving to be the 'Overman' of Nietzche.

This is Man evolving and moving on from Man, just as Darwin tells us he moved on from the creatures that went before.

This is my vision.

And I'll stand or fall by it.


Anonymous said...

I don't think this is possible Crushed and I also don't think blogging is the platform that would create this world.

I appreciate your transparency however, I don't agree with the idea.

Anonymous said...

The first half of your post I was all ears but I think you lose me on the second half. I truly don't mean that as an insult to you because you should know by now that I genuinely like you as a person. And I do believe that you probably do have charisma or a type of character that has people interested in finding out more about you.
But I just can't make an assumption on who you are, if you are a good man or a bad man in such black or white terms from a blog. And I can't follow a revolution - people need to see you and hear you and there needs to be a platform...because as frustrating as it is, no body ever started a revolution (as far as I'm aware) by writing. They got out in the public sphere, they joined movements and protested and gave speeches and rallied. You know it.
I also think (I realise I'm being quite the know-it-all right now!) that many people would forgive your drug past and jail time etc if you were up front about it at the beginning - it certainly didn't make me view you any less at all, rather I felt glad for you that you stood up and shared with us. So why not join a political party or make your own up? I suspect you would be rather good at it.

Good post crushed.

Anonymous said...

"he's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!"

Anonymous said...

Ms S- I don't know, one of the things I want to push is an attitude shift.

I guess part of the point of the change, is an nd to the cult of the individual.

Not just the idea of leaders and followers, but the collective social psyche that creates such conditions.

The problems with Messiahs is people worship them. they shouldn't. Jesus wasn't a God. Hitler CERTAINLY wasn't a God. One was a great philopher, the other was a twisted one.

The need to idolise people with ideas and see them as other than human, and follow them blindly without questioning is part of the problem, its part of why we have power structures.

An enlightened humanity needs to stop worshipping specific humans, and worship humanity itself as a collective godhead.

We're not over it yet- look at Blair!

Kate- I think people find me hard to figure out.

It depends what you mean by Good. I think my principles are Good ones, yes. I actually think my general actions in RL are good ones. But it would depend on your perspective.

I tend to be a person more motivated by ideals than sentiments, which people find hard to take.

I don't compromise on points of principle.

I think the point is, I do see this revolution as inevitable. It's just how it goes. I think it could get nasty, but not if people are prepared in advance, to make sure it doesn't become blooody. But the system is going to collapse anyway whether we like it or not, so we might as well start preparing for what is to come.

And this time round, let's do it right.

We don't need leaders of any kind any more, messiahs or otherwise.
We're clever enough now just torule ourselves by talking and agreeing solutions.

The internet isn't the way to do it, you say.

Well, my idea is exactly what we're doing now, is how we could potentially govern ourselves.

I think this has to be a masss thing, and it would be better if it were essentially leaderless, but simply a movement of the popular will. It's simply about constructively agreeing by spreading ideas and enlightening people what the popular will should be.

Well, flaws are what makes us human. Perhaps we shouldn't trust anyone in any position of trust till they've shown off their flaws. And if they have none too show, maybe they're too inhuman to be trusted.

I used to be a member of a political party years ago, and yes, I was quite good at it. :)

I don't like the idea of parties- they're vihciles for streamlining ideas into blocks.

What I want is a genuine popular movement committed to overthrowing for good all attempts to streamline the popular will, so that thought can no longer be controlled.

A simple movement based on people thinking about it and committing to the idea of their own free will.

Ms S- Something like that, yes :)

Anonymous said...

I the worship and the follower! Not surprised then !! I kind fo that repy! Can I buy you go? No ...

Anonymous said...

LOL @ mu tai dong

Anonymous said...

Hmmnn.. Not sure if you are just playing up to how you have been painted here. I figure you do like to do that sometimes…

Or if maybe you secretly quite like the idea of being a hypnotic Svengali, with powers over pathetic girls, a guy’s fantasy surely? Isn’t trilby a sort of hat?

Now you talk about your GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING, or Disclaimer… “Parts that other lagers can’t reach can go down as well as up, etc.” ^_^. Oh! Not that one then?

Is this disclaimer like so you don’t feel guilty after? Like drawing the small print to someone’s attention in the ads, and hoping they ignore it? Or misinterpret it?

I figure you are in the clear if you really truly do try to make sure a girl knows where she stands, and don’t quietly sit back while she misinterprets stuff in order to keep her available. I know sometimes boys, as well as girls, just insist on seeing things as they imagine things are, or would fantasize them to be, in the face of clear evidence otherwise… and you can’t always spot that they are doing it… or stop it when they do.

If you are real unlucky they then blame you for it, turn against you and accuse you of ‘misleading’ them.

I guess I must count myself fortunate to have the filter of the internet protecting me from the full force of your Charisma…

Though on the subject. It is absolutely true that technical good looks don’t count for nearly as much as we often imagine they do. I have known Guys... and girls who were nothing special to look at, average, in one case not even that, but boy do the opposite sex flock to them. More due to self confidence, intelligence, the way they move, personality, than their looks.

I am with Sparsely Kate on the second bit. I’ll leave the political side of the post to another day, but “new order”?, “end of the “capitalist epoch”? You do like to build castles in the clouds…

Anonymous said...

Mu Tai- If I was a Bond Villain, maybe...

Ginro- Careful- she bites!
And not in nice places!

Moggs- Well, yes.
It's a human trait, sometimes, to embrace the insults others throw it you. The Tories after all, embraced a word meant as an insult.

It's not actually ALWAYS a good thing, in reality. And it's not as if it's like a snake charming act, just they're assets that work and prove very useful in sales. I don't think it works more over women than men, as such.
I think it's just they're basic tools we use, we certainly use them on dogs and I've always used ben good with dogs.

I actually think it's more that most other people DON'T properly use them.

Well, what you say about my disclaimer is what my best mate says about it. But it's hard to cover yourself completely, and really, you have to at least try to.

I think I'm not good at letting people dowm, I'll admit that. I have copped blame in the past for 'leading people on', when that hasn't been the case.

I really don't think you'd be in any danger.:)

Intelligence is a wonderful thing.

Yes, definitely. And for blokes too. I think looks matter, because looks initially attract, but as long as the looks can hold your attention for enough time for more to shine through, that's all that matters.
Whereas total aesthetic perfection is useless if the person behind it shows themselves up within an hour or so to be totally lacking in personable characteristics.

Well, there will always be posts on that subject...

But no, the day is coming. It is :)

Anonymous said...

If you have it, use it. :)

Anonymous said...

Being open about who you were in your past to me is the biggest way you can really be free - everything that you went through any addictions or downfalls - they are what has lead you to today - and while sometimes they are not pretty they are indeed what has lead you to this very moment in your life - they are in your fabric and being forthcoming with those things is the foundation of establishing a true relationship. And the more flaws in your fabric often times means the more you have come through and come to understand about the world or yourself. There is nothing bad about that.