Of Chimney Sweeps and Bakers, of Communes and Kings

The Chimney Sweep has a curious, and if I may be candid, rather suspicious sort of marriage.
I do not trust her motives as far as I can throw her and that really isn't very far.

I have strong suspicions that the marriage exists solely for her to be able to claim two years residency after two years, when the Chimney Sweep will then become surplus to requirements, though I doubt his house will.

Until that point, he gets one month's conjugal intimacy, separated by three month's practical singledom whilst she returns to Zimbabwe to 'run her business'.

Myself and the Baker are pretty much of the mind he's being taken for a mug. And he suspects we may think this. Still, no one says anything. Well, myself and the Baker do. To eachother. But not to the Chimney Sweep. We make contingency plans in his absence.

Anyway, the Cat having returned to 'Zim' this week, I went over to Coventry to babysit.

After an hour or so of catch up chit-chat, The Baby, things I have done whilst drunk of late, work, women, crazy people on the internet, etc, we moved on to something she had said and he wanted my opinion on what exactly had been given the carte blanche to do.

It seems she'd said that if he was 'unfaithful' during these times apart she wouldn't necessarily not forgive him as long as;

1. She never got to hear about it.
2. The other party wasn't someone she knew.
3. The other party wasn't a 'sister' (as in, black).

I advanced my opinion;

'Well, I'd say go for it mate. I mean basically she's saying, you need feel no guilt, because she's effectively saying what the eye don't see the heart don't grieve over. You only need feel guilty if it's someone she knows, as in an existing friend/acquaintance, so it might be more than just sex, or if it's another black girl, because she's your only black girl, as long it's just sex with a random white girl, it's not cheating in her book, it's just sex and in the circumstances, fair enough'.

Chimney Sweep nodded 'So you think it means she's actually saying go ahead'.

I grinned 'Well, you have to remember you're asking me, and it's not like I'm a great champion of the principleof sexual chastity, but I'm saying go for it. Christ man, it's normal. She's going to be gone three months. Make the most of it. I can get you sorted for something if you want'.

Chimney Sweep: Well, that's partly what I wanted to talk to you about. I don't really want to go anywhere round here because she might find out. I mean, I was thinking of going to a massage parlour. You know a few don't you? How does it work exactly?

I rolled my eyeballs and pointed out that I hardly thought a massage parlour was necessarily the best solution. That I could show him a few pubs where there were much better, not to mention far cheaper options. They just meant the investment of a bit of charm and a willingness to devote a bit of time chasing the quarry.

Still, he wanted to know the the drill in massage parlours. I explained the principles of one I know- the only one I know, as it happens- and pointed out that things might very well have changed since my visit, that being a good three years ago. A couple of raids had happened since, so everything could have totally changed.

And so the Chimney Sweep mulled over the two options.

One, pop to the Hagley Road, invest about ninety quid in what would be a certain, high quality sexual experience with a twenty one year old Malay girl.

Or, come over to mine one weekend and invest a few pints of alcohol and the possible double Malibu and coke for the ladies in the less certain game of 'See what the Westcroft has to offer on a Friday night disco'. My view was, it always has something to offer, if really, that's what you want. It really is always there for the taking, it just depends on how many rose tints you want to adjust your beer goggles with.

Anyway, he seemed like he was sold on the idea. I've promised I'll find him someone to carry out his licensed infidelity with. I don't promise quality, but I've promised to find him something.

Quite why we ended up at a wake, I don't know. We never found out who's wake it was. We did have some magic mushrooms though, which was pretty cool. I ended up hypothesising about the possible future of internet communications.

I managed to hypothesise a future where it really is possible to actually have conversations like IM conversations where holographic and virtual reality advances mean that all parties visually see the other parties present, so that those you are talking to seem and feel as if they are physically present. In fact, future technology means that it will possible for no human beings to really be strangers. They'll all kind of be able to meet up at will. It will only be a few highly intimate acts for which only a genuine 3D presence makes possible.

Anyway, the Chinmey Sweep asked how as I was finding recent transitions affecting my own lifestyle, as in; Him being married and the Baker now being The Family Man.

I said I'd been mulling it over and come to the conclusion that all this settling down stuff just really wasn't something I wanted to do, not in the conventional sense. I said that I just couldn't in principle, accept it as the way I wanted to live. I told him the scheme I'd been pondering on and how my thoughts on it had developed.



'It would be a commune, in the sense it would be run like a commune. But I'm not actually suggesting going out and living a totally alternative lifestyle. Just one that within the privacy of it's own home, operates a different model. I think if you get eight people, four guys, four girls and you bought a large, six bedroomed house, I don't mean a bog standard six bedroomed house, but a big old Victorian House of some kind. Six bedrooms would usually be enough, but if everyone had a different partner one night, then there ARE other rooms, but the idea would be it would operate as a free love commune, the four guys and the four girls all being eachother's partners, but all potentially practising Free Love with outsiders too.'

'The thing is, it's cost effective too. As I say, big old Victorian house, it would be expensive, I'm thinking about eight hundred a month mortgage. But get this. Add another four hundred on for bills and council tax. Add another five hundred for food, toiletries, cleaning produces etc. And now, now, here's the good bit. Add fifteen hundred for a domestic on a salary of eighteen thousand a year to clean, cook, do the shopping, do the laundry, total costs, three thousand two hundred a month. Divide by eight, you get four hundred a month.'

'Four hundred a month. Total living costs, four hundred a month. Four hundred a month, all your bills paid, all your domestic chores done for you, all your meals cooked for you, and you live in a house where you share four girls with three other guys and yet have all the space you need. And everything else, you keep. It's yours to spend on you. Your four hundred quid, goes into the communal pot, the rest is yours. Now, tell me, is this not the best scheme for a proposed living arrangement you have ever heard?'

The Chimney Sweep had a few questions. Firstly, who would control the finances? 'Well, ideally not me. Not really my area of expertise. But the reason why I say eight, is because eight is supposed to be the optimum number for group decision making; too large for one person to dominate but too small for factions to start forming. It's supposed to yield the best results for group dynamics. So I'm hoping that each person will be able to fill their own natural function in the group, maximising their own strengths and yet group decision making to still be realistic.'

Chimney Sweep smiled 'Bit of an ethnic mix I guess you want. What about gay people?'

I paused 'Well, that's a good point. I'm not sure I'd considered that. It would kind of pose a slight problem. I mean the thing is, it would kind of defeat the obvious point of it being a partner sharing venture too. I would kind of think it just wouldn't be his sort of thing. Difficult to find a way round it. I don't like to discriminate against people on that ground, but it would just be they wouldn't have a possible sleeping partner in the commune, so what would be the point? As for ethnicity, yes. I think it would be good to have a decent ethnic spread. I'd certainly want at least one of the girls and one of the guys to be black.'

The Chimney Sweep nodded 'But you'd all carry on working and behaving in every other way as ordinary people? Wear suits and work in the white collar sector?'

I nodded 'Yes. That would be the idea. Render unto Caesar, then go live a Bohemian life of Free Love and positive mental simulation at home. I really don't see why not'.

The Chimney Sweep could see this is an idea which is fast taking shape in my head.

I've really got this idea in my head now, and I really think it's a way of living I want to try out.

Anyway.

Final pause for thought.

When I got home the following day, the phone rang almost straight away. It was the Baker. A whole day with D's family was just too much to take. He needed a beer.

As we sat in the Westcroft I told him about Ken's carte blanche.



The Baker clicked onto something I'd not thought of. 'xxx, if she's saying that, it's to cover herself. Because if she's said that to him, then it might well mean that she wouldn't feel guilty about cheating on him over in Zimbabwe as long as;

1. He doesn't find out about it.
2. It's no one he knows.
3. He's not white.

My eyes widened 'Christ. Never thought of that- Good point.'

The Baker shrugged. 'And imagine if she's having lots of unprotected sex with random dudes out there in Zimbabwe. AIDS. It's not exactly something I'd want to broach with CS, but maybe it's worth thinking about.'

I furrowed my brow 'Shit. Hmmm. That's not an easy one, is it? But, yes, thinking about it, she probably is. Unless of course, she might actually be committing bigamy. Wouldn't put it past her. But I suspect she has got someone out there- got to have. More than one, I suspect. Hmmm. Should we say something to him?'

I think we decided it was better we didn't. Not sure really. I got distracted by the two girls who'd just sat down next to us. It was one of those times I silently cussed the fact the Baker has forgotten how to even just pretend he hasn't got a girlfriend and baby to go home to, just for my sake, just for an hour or so until it really doesn't matter, the friend has been successfully sidetracked.

Life is change, but if we're lucky we get to walk these roads with the people who really matter being with us all the way.

There is nothing in the world more precious than friendships.

Nothing.