Will You Be My Mistress?

I was little bit drunk Wednesday night (it happens, frequently in fact) and I kind of said something to Haydee which she didn't find perhaps as flattering as I, in my drunkenness intended it to be. Because in my drunken way I was offering her what I considered the most I can possibly offer.

I said I wanted her to be my mistress.
Now, she wasn't impressed by that at all. 'A mistress? Like a dirty little secret you hide away?'

Well, yes.
And I suppose you might argue that bearing in mind we've clearly established that this actually is the woman I want to spend my life with, the HOW I want to do that is a little...odd.

And I suppose you might argue that it's an archaic concept anyway. Not really. You see Haydee picked up on the concept straight away.
And Haydee, being Haydee, could see exactly why it's the solution I'd be most comfortable with. Haydee has figured out exactly why it is, that I like to keep my love life a total secret.
And what it is about the idea of having my life partner fulfilling a mistress role, that makes it in reality, the way I'd ideally want it.

Why do people keep mistresses?

Well, Kings and nobility used to for the very simple reason, that firstly they could in practise, due to their wealth and power live polygamously, in a world where monogamy was theoretically the norm.
Secondly, they rarely married for love. So their mistress was often their TRUE love. The wife they would have wanted, if they'd a free choice. And usually, it was kept low key.

The Catholic clergy- especially the higher ranks, kept mistresses. Again, because many of them didn't join the church because they wanted to lead sinless lives. It was a route to power. So their mistress was often the wife they couldn't have.

And of course, in an age when divorce wasn't possible, middle aged men kept mistresses when they'd fallen out of love with their wife and couldn't marry the new love.

But mistresses have been kept throughout history by people who were perfectly free to marry and live openly with a woman.

So why didn't they? And what was it that made their partner definable as a mistress?

A mistress is more than just a partner. It's often, privately, like a marriage. But that's the point. PRIVATELY.
The definition of being a mistress, is the lack of public acknowledgement.

And that, of course is the point. Many people in history have kept mistresses not because they COULDN'T marry their love, but because they didn't want to admit their existence publicly.

I suppose the one that everyone knows is Hitler. But Jim Morrison likewise kept his girlfriend a closely guarded secret. Same reasons, of course. Public image.

Now, it's a curious fact that in RL, there's one thing I'm very cagey about. In most senses I'm VERY open. I have no shame at all about standing in the middle of the office telling the most sordid anecdotes about myself. But I'm compulsive about being thought of as single. I like to keep my love life a total secret. Close friends might know. But as far as the company I work for and my family are aware, I'm ALWAYS single.

I like people to think I'm single, even when I'm not. Always have done.



Why?

Because I've got used to the advantages that being single- or appearing to be single has- if you're me. Or someone like me.

If you're a person who basically lives off their charm, you don't want to lose that edge.

Available, but not attainable. That's what you give off, and what you WANT to give off.
Because you get treated in a different way, if you're single.

Men trust you more. Because they think there's no one you share pillow talk with. They can confide in you, you're more laddish, more 'up for it'. They'll invite you to partake in things they might not, if they knew you were attached. They will bond better with you. Instinctively, men don't bond as well with someone who they know to be attached in a serious way. Fact.

And of course, you really lose out on the impression you make on women. They just don't look at you the same way, most don't.

The fact is, women pay you a lot more attention if they see you as a possible sleeping partner. No salesman with any sense goes into a meeting with a woman with a ring on his finger. He totally loses the power to use sexual chemistry as a sales tool.

In other words, I like my public persona to be available, but unattainable. As in, it's worth paying me attention because I might conceivably sleep with you. But always keep that impression of being slightly out of reach for more than that. It's a very good dynamic.

The fact is, I don't like the idea of women looking at me and not seeing me as a possible sexual partner.
And of course, it isn't so I can have sex with them all. Not at all.

In fact, I even like to look available to gay men, if I can. I actually like to keep people guessing about my sexual identity, period. Make everyone think they have a chance.

You see, Haydee could see the reason. Why having a mistress is the ideal for me.

I was on the point of explaining when she said 'Can I make a stab and say it's because it makes you unavailable and you rather have women fauning over you than not? How could you possibly be the centre of everyone's world if you were coupled up? Being the centre of one person's world isn't enough for you. And it's not a matter of you not wanting to be responsible for someone else's happiness or any of that other claptrap you spout. It's because if the world knew you had someone at home looking after you, no one else would want to or feel the need to.'

And she's right, of course.

You see, I'm quite happy writing about her on this blog, because really, it doesn't detract from the way I like to be seen. But if she turned round and totally changed her mind? Actually decided she wanted to be with me?

You see, I actually had a contingency plan for that possibility and how it would relate to the blog. If we ever had have got together, the plan was to give her a totally new pseudonym and refer to her on this blog as my flatmate. That really was the way that up till last night I had considered how my dreams coming true would affect this blog.

Because that's how I would have passed her off to everyone else in RL who didn't need to know. Like my firm, my family, my priest, anyone I would have met publicly. Only close friends would need to know otherwise. This is the way I usually do it. And it doesn't mean you can't show public affection. Doesn't detract from the way you like to be seen. As long as no one thinks- he's HERS and HERS alone.

Because then you'd be shown as attainable, but not available.

And that's not how you like to be seen.

It's that image. That public persona.



You see, it's always been the stumbling block for me. Why things never last very long in my love life. It's the one thing I'm never able to do. And after a few months, most women tend to want you to start to be a bit- public. To demonstrate public commitment. And it's the one thing, I just can't do.

And I've been racking my head about it all day.

Because I love Haydee. And I don't mind admitting to loving her whilst that doesn't actually detract from me appearing available yet unattainable myself.

But could I ever publicly admit to having been attained?

Could I publicly acknowledge a relationship EVEN IF IT WAS HAYDEE?
Could I give her that?

I really don't know, is the answer.

I can't be sure.

I want her to be my mistress.

Could I sacrifice my perfect vision of what would be our perfect relationship, if the price for having her was HER idea of what a perfect relationship should be?

I'm agonising over this thought experiment, you know.

For once, I really don't have an answer.