Saturday 8 November 2008

Thoughts For The Day

I suppose these things kind of synchronise.

Last night's post (worth reading) was probably one of the most honest posts I've ever written. A response elsewhere matches nicely with it and leads straight on into this. Plus of course, I did ask Haydee what she thought of the post and she agreed it was a pretty good assessment.

It also links in with a real life problem I'm going to face. A real life issue of the type I go through life unable to deal with. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

Tonight I'm going to a bonfire party. Yes, I know this is hypocritical of me. But let's see it as real life, as I said to Haydee, using 'religious principle. As an excuse for snubbing close friends is what it would appear. So go I must.
But there's another reason.

Bel SPECIFICALLY invited me.
Bel being the Chimney Sweep's sister.
And therefore, I can't not go.
It would hurt her feelings.

The problem.

Bel got married about three years ago to a shifty Mexican Dude. Shifty Mexican Dude seems to have shagged half of Coventry than done a runner once he had his two years residence.

Now I've always got on well with Bel, but of late she's paid a lot of attention to me. And I like being paid attention.
And sometimes I've had to fight that urge to put my arms round her and kiss her on the forehead. To hold her close and tell her its going to be OK.
To run my fingers along her shoulderblade, kiss her eyelids and say 'I'll look after you, Bel'.

I just want to do that.

But the consequences of giving into this temptation are too awful to contemplate.

You see, we won't end up in bed. That's not the problem. She isn't the sort of girl to just jump into bed. The problem is, things will move into a zone. A zone where she'll get the chance to properly talk to me as she rests her head on my shoulder and I'll listen. Then I'll tell her my shit. And she'll listen.

And I'll give her my phone number and say 'If you need to talk...'

And when I leave tomorrow morning, I'll squeeze her hand and I'll be waiting for her to call.

I'll want that level of intimacy with her. I'll want to help her get over dodgy Mexican Dude, see if she can throw some light on my life generally, because she's a good person and a sweet person and I'll want to share that with her.
Danger is we'll start going for meals and drinks together.

And we won't tell the Chimney Sweep. We'll both keep it from him. And that says it all.
We'll both know it's wrong and why it's wrong.

We know what he'll think. She won't want him to know, because he knows he'll worry for her, because he knows she could get hurt and he worries I can't help but go through this same slippery slope over and over. He worries well get attached, and he knows that sooner or later that means I will back off when she wants to get too close. And we'll both be hurt.

And both me and Bel will want to believe he is wrong because we'll be being weak and allowing ourselves to indulge our need to be emotionally intimate with eachother when really, it's self indulgent on both our parts.

Because what happens one day if it goes too far. What happens if we both get drunk one night and and end up going to bed together?

What then?

Next morning, it would seem great. Euphoric. And she'd feel good in my arms.

I would feel so close to her and I'd just bask in it.

But as soon as I was alone, I'd start to panic. Really panic.

Now things have changed.

Now she's a danger.
Now I'm not sure I'm in control.

Now it's changed so that seeing its the Chimney Sweep ringing, I may not take the call. And I might start to get edgy about her calls. It's now become a mess.

Now at some point I'd probably own up to the Baker about this crisis. How to handle it. Because I'd probably continue to see her. But I'd have no idea what I was into.

Because I don't want Bel like that. I don't. I don't want to share my life with her, she's not he 'One'.
She doesn't give me a warm fuzzy feeling when I think of her, just that when I'm with her I think she's really sweet and I want to hold her close. It's love of a kind, just not the kind of love I'm worried that I could end up being in a situation where she thinks it is.

You see, the reality is, and the reality the one person who won't truly appreciate is Bel, is that I will not actually fall in love with Bel. It couldn't happen. But I will enjoy what she will give me, for a while. The shared intimacy, the chance to just let it all it in the arms of another.
But I'll never really let her in, there will still be times when I just freeze up. And she'll ask me whats wrong and I'll say 'I don't want to talk about it'.

And the more she pushes me, the more I'll start to freeze her out. And this will only start to strengthen her desire to get close to me- to just push that little bit extra, to truly get inside me because she really believes she's close and it will only take me letting her in past that final barrier and I'm not going to be able to give her that.

And I'll start cutting her out.

I will start pushing her back to a safe distance.

And by this point, my prime concern will have become; How to handle easing the situation to a satisfactory conclusion without the Chimney Sweep catching wind of it.

So the situation does have some potential headaches in the making, if things go badly.
So why, why do it?

Well I was discussing it with Haydee last night and she said 'You'll do it anyway. Because that's what you do'.

And she's right, I suppose. I can't stop myself. I will end up giving her comfort and affection, because I want to give her that comfort and affection. I won't want to lead her on, but I will.

I will be drawn by the fact that I already feel close to her, that we respect eachother as people, hat we can be close. drawn in by the fact that pushing that beyond a certain boundary is of its very nature kind of elicit, as it involves hiding something from someone close to us both. It has a thrill, all the thrill of an affair.
I will drawn by the idea that we can temporarily ease eachothers pain in the cathartic union of eachothers limbs.

But I won't want a relationship. Not in the long term. Not with Bel. Not ever.

But I don't think I can stop myself from holding her close and kissing her forehead if the chance arises.
That's the problem.

Haydee is right, that's what I do.

And I guess that's why what I have with her is special.
Ut's not what I'm doing to her.

We're able to have things as they are, because of that.

She kind of pointed out the obvious reality last night. That as things stand, if she suddenly decided she loved me, I'd probably reject her.

And I would say that personally, I'd say it says something positive that I conceded I couldn't be sure. I'd like to think I wouldn't, but I'm honest enough with myself and her to concede, the idea still scares me a bit. It seems to work best at the moment that we just chat as friends and the being in love thing is a bit one sided. Because at the moment I'm still kind of coming to terms with having such feelings at all. So much so I'm still in the mood for sticking them in a box somewhere and pondering the consequences of Bel. And of course the strength of my feelings for Haydee is another reason for mentally using Bel to see if I can get my feelings for Haydee under control.
I guess there is a part of me inside can see the value in using Bel as a surrogate Haydee. After all, up until Haydee ALL women have been surrogate Joannas.

With Haydee I have to concede, everything kind of makes sense. I'm not sure there's too much point overanalysing these things. Right now I feel safe and I feel things work well as they are. Right now I'm able to talk to her AND feel for her without being scared by it. I know that I'd like to be able to have more with her, but I also know that I don't think I'm actually ready to contemplate that myself, I've only just come to terms with being in love with her.

So we just chat. It's good. My favorite part of the day really. Talking to her on the Internet Messenger.
I miss her otherwise.

I'm thinking the best plan for tonight is to hope there is someone there so stunningly attractive I get sidetracked from Bel.

I think I'm going to go and put some extra curls in my hair.
And shave close.

I think I want to look extra boyish tonight.


Anonymous said...

Grrrr! Stop analysing everything and instead cross bridges if/when you get to them.

And sometimes I've had to fight that urge to put my arms round her and kiss her on the forehead.

Well first we need to establish if that is possible (re: an earlier post). How tall are you both?

Anonymous said...

For some reason, your posts make me think of The Judybats song "Pain Makes You Beautiful."

Anonymous said...

Some things..
1. You are assuming this is what she wants? Maybe she just wants her 'brother' to be with her at the party.. and all of this romantic scenario is in your head?

2. You don't have to go on this journey with EVERY woman you meet. Just like I need to not see every man who says hello to me as a potential father of my babies. Relax your expectations, my friend.

3. Even if it does seem to go the way your scenario predicts.. remember.. she is your 'sister'.. There are plenty more chicks out there who aren't 'related' to you..

4. How does a man put extra curls in his hair?

Anonymous said...

I love Kimba's comments and I second them!

I know it's hard though...I have a whole role play going in my head every time a man so much as looks as me..I see him pushing a pram, I see him taking my kids to school, what I'll be like with him...

and then after a few minutes of that I'm usually bored and cynical and thus cancel out any initial attractions.
I think it's called intellectualizing a situation before any situation has occurred.

I do think we think too much!

Anonymous said...

Sparsely Kate has a point. I think many of us run scenarios in our heads like that. Like our heads have a miniature pentagon in them and a tiny joint chiefs of staff gaming every potential scenario…

Seriously though Crushed. Tread carefully. This situation has the potential to hurt those you really care for and trash your status quo permanently.

If you read things right it might be natural that you could fall into a relationship. Be pretty damned sure before you let her think you might. If you are not then be careful to make sure your actions and feelings are clear and unambiguous, not open to misinterpretation, or you might end up doing far more harm than good.

I figure she presses quite a few of your self confessed buttons that make girls attractive to you, at least in the short term.

Anonymous said...

Ginro- I analyse everything :)

She is slightly taller, but that's not hard.

Vicarious Rising- I think it true to say I do carry a lot of pain deep inside, yes.

I think I always will.

Kimba- It's not romantic, it's just these things happen.
Fortunately, it didn't. I got sidetracked by an asian girl called Tanya.
That and my excitement about Obama.

Ah, but I do have a habit of ending up in this dilemma.

It's not that I mean to lead them on, I just- do.

I did remember that, yes. It really is a taboo.

After I've washed my hair, I fluff it up.
I then apply curl boosting gel, and wrap the foreloocks round ny finger to make thm curl tighter, then I spray them into position.

Kate- My problem is I am the eternal commitmentphobe.
Frankly, my standards aren't high on one level, but at others I have an impossibly high bar.

Problem is, I like women, I hate relationships. But I'll say pretty much anything too get them into bed.

But yes, I probably do think too much.

Moggs- It's wise to.

Yes, it would be ultra stupid. I can't see CS forgiving it- I wouldn't.
I have only once in my life committed such a faux pas- I shagged a mate's ex the night after she dumped him. I pretended I hadn't for about a year, but I don't think anyone was fooled.

I wouldn't really want a relationship with her, I don't think. Don't get me wrong, I really like her as a person, but it would just feel- wrong.

But yes, she DOES press many of those short term buttons. She's intelligent (Oxford University, actually), sweet, placid and carrying a sense of being hurt and broken that I can relate to.

Therein lies the danger.

Anonymous said...

Crushed, Tie a knot in it to remind you not to step of a cliff... ^_^

Anonymous said...

Forgive me if I am wrong but am thinking maybe you have yet to meet the one who is THE ONE for you. :)

Anonymous said...

Moggs- :)

I'm hopeless, I really am :)

Nunyaa- I guess we'll never really know. I think I have, but then again, I'm so often wrong about these things.
Funny isn't it? I rarely get electoral predictions and the like wrong, but I'm hopeless at these things.

Anonymous said...

Like people said, you think too much. And you worry too much. Just go with your instincts...

then fuck her anyway.

By the way. I suppose you have been too busy to notice but you are not exactly flavour of the month with a some people ...

Anonymous said...

I know we all have lots of "I'll do it anyways, because that's why I do" weak spots. However, don't you dare try to pretend it is out of your hands. Because, even if it feels natural, it is a decision you made all the same.