How Much of Ourselves Do We Give?

Mutley occasionally runs Guest posts which are different to your average Guest post.



The key difference is that the Guest posting blogger usually forgets that he has written the post.
In fact sometimes, they may be quite off topic.

But let me tell you something, I can name at least one blogger, who thought I actually did write this.

I'll tell you something else.
When I saw it, I was taken aback.

Because it was uncanny. Like looking in the mirror.

This scared me, it did, no doubt about it.
To be able to be that accurate, you need to have an image in your head of that blogger, which must be quite close to the mark. You have to have something to work with.

Mutley summed up three things which, standing back, must be obvious to anyone who reads this.

Firstly, there is the obscure, somewhat theoretical subject matter which probably often comes across as only slightly less arcane than this 'guest post'. I suspect much of what I write often comes across as either cloud cuckoo land or just plain bizarre to many of you, but there is a joined up theory linking my political/philosophical posts, which I could write a book on, but probably never will.

If you had the misfortune to be one of my close friends, you would also be familiar with my tendancy to talk on this vein, at length, some would say, ad nauseum.
I write pretty much how I speak, except typeface doesn't actually convey the fact that I have a very annoying habit in real life of emphasising random words. In the last sentence, I would have intonated 'speak', 'typeface', 'actually', 'convey', 'very', 'habit', 'life' and 'emphasising'.
That's just how I talk.

Well, I shouldn't mind that Mutley is so accurate here now, should I?
What's the problem, you say?
Nothing.

But Mutley also parodies the posts which were never originally meant to appear here. The posts where I admit to being a real person and not a spambot.
And here again, he's bang on. My attempts to apply any theoretical and logical principles to my own life are largely a complete disaster.

I use a pseudonym for a few reasons. The main ones are these. I like to able to discuss my opinions with people and get feedback on them. I like that discussion to be on the merits of the ideas themselves. Personal matters have crept in here, and I guess that is obvious that whilst I might have very nice theoretical principles, I don't live my life in a manner the majority of people would find commendable.

Sometimes I do find it helpful to blog on personal matters, your advice is impartial and it has a confessional feel to it.
I am aware that probably shows a side to me that is colder, harder, more cynical and manipulative, than you might expect from some of my other posts.
Both sides are true.
My principles are based on my rational thoughts.
My life is based on a fairly shallow 'live for the day, for tomorrow we die' approach.



This of course, is the other reason I use a pseudonym. Only The Baker and my flatmate know the URL. The fact that I know they can read any post, and comment if I was dishonest, means I have to be relatively honest on this blog, but I can trust them not to comment at it. I really do not want people who know me by name reading and commenting here. Whatever truly decadent activities I get up to- and many of them would seem completely decadent to many of you- they have no place on this blog, and I don't want references to them in the comments section.

I have nice readers, like Welshcakes and Ruthie.
And his Lordship thinks I'm bad enough as it is.

Which brings me to the alarming bit, the end paragraph.
A perfect send up of the vain, self-opinionated way I do fling myself around in real life.
What scares me, is how does Mutley know?
Am I that transparent?

Not overly so, I can take comfort in that. One highly intelligent blogger who shall remain nameless has long nursed a theory regarding me which amused me when I discovered the theory. Let's just say, it was pretty wide of the mark, and not something anyone would think likely who knew me at all.
Likewise, those bloggers who have contacted me for whatever reason, have given me some confidence in the effectiveness of my filter, by making initial assumptions about me which are wrong.

But I do worry sometimes, how much of what I hide from you, do you see?
And since what I hide is in itself a mass of contradictions, I'm a very multi-faceted person, WHICH facet do you see?

More worrying is how far we ourselves can trust other bloggers. I don't mean that other bloggers are willfully deceitful, though it happens. I mean that I try hard to ringfence this blog, so that it remains uncontaminated by my real life.

Here is where we come to the grey area. There is a twilight zone where the identity of this blog merges into my own real life identity. Several of you have entered into discussions with myself, regarding posts I have done, which have progressed to a degree where I am comfortable dropping the mask.

I take a risk when I do this. In the long run, it is only possible to do this if the other blogger can remember the distinction between me and my blog.
Let me put it this way. Bloggers may well form personal friendships with other bloggers.
But if a Blogger wants to keep his or her blogging identity separate from his or her real identity, then that personal friendship must stay out of the bloggosphere.
Bloggers who know eachother by name, must still behave online, as if they only know eachother by what they have put online in the public domain.

I get alarmed when people leave comments, not to Crushed, but to me. It poses a real threat.
I get alarmed when people leave comments that show they have had conversations with me outside the bloggosphere, that they know me as a real person and have a connection with me as an actual human being.
It's not a problem that they see me that way, it's just that this should stay private. Nobody else who reads the blog should be aware of it.

Because their relationship is with the blogger, not the blog.

I'll be honest, these are things which keep me awake at night. They do.

Because I do enjoy this medium, but I can only do so if my real identity and personal life are kept at arms length. There has to be a very real separation between me and this blog.

Because I don't want people who know me to read it.
Or people who read it knowing me, beyond what I feel comfortable putting here.



Trust me when I tell you, this blog puts me through Hell sometimes.
But I do also find it very rewarding, it helps me get a lot off my chest, and it allows me to put across my worldview over time, possibly the only time I'll ever write any of this stuff down.
There are some things in life I enjoy doing, there are others which are worthwhile.
This is the only one I can think of which is both.

But one day keeping my real life and this blog separate will involve so much life energy, it could drive me to a nervous breakdown.
And that day, I will post no more.

I hope it's not any day soon.
But I'm starting to face reality here.
It could be a year away, it could be a week away.

So till then, I shall blog each day as if it is my last.