Trust

I always say a general principle in life is never give information you don't have to.

People always say 'If you have nothing to hide, you shouldn't mind saying'.

Yes and no.

But the problem is that by answering a question, you validate the right of the person asking.
For example, if asked my sexuality, I will always say 'I'd rather not say.
Why, you might ask. After all, generally speaking, the reason why people might not choose to disclose their sexuality, is because of a lingering discrimination against minority sexualities. Since I happen to be 'heterosexual', why do I hide the fact by refusing to answer.

My reply? Because if the only people who declined to answer were homosexual or bisexual, then they're clearly identifiable by their refusal to answer. The only way to invalidate the RIGHT of the questioner to ask is if HETEROSEXUAL people refuse to answer as well.

It's always as well to establish these points- that people do NOT have the right to ask questions of you and you have the right not to answer. If you establish a precedent of giving people information you don't mind them knowing, then what is going to happen when they ask you questions you DON'T want to answer?

Ultimately, you are actually guarding your integrity. 'Them that asks no questions don't get told no lies'.

I tend to adopt that as a general life rule.
The best way not to be in a situation where you don't find yourself being asked questions you don't want to answer, is establish a precedent of not answering questions at all.

It's often said, for example, that trust and honesty is a vital part of any relationship. This is true of course. But that cuts a number of ways.

For example, my best mate has a key to this flat. Not only that, he has the password to this PC. He uses it when I'm out, frequently.
Furthermore, he knows I have a blog.
He knows the name of the blog.

For him to read posts on this blog would be so, so, easy.

But he doesn't. It's not just that he SAYS he doesn't- he clearly doesn't. It would be apparent, in little ways, if he had done.

So in a sense, it's about mutual trust. He knows he appears on this blog- he even knows under what pseudonym. But he trusts me not to reveal too much about him, and I trust him to know the name of the blog AND NEVER READ IT.
The fact he has the password to this PC is a huge act of trust on both our parts.

He knows, I think, if he ever read this blog, things could never be the same between us again. They couldn't.

Sometimes, that's what trust is about. Trust is about knowing someone can respect your boundaries.

In the same way, I have a general policy of NEVER answering any questions my parents ask. Or of giving totally neutral answers. 'How's work?' 'All right'.

Again, the reasons are clear. To keep a precedent going. If I was to start answering any of their questions about me in depth, then when it came to questions you don't want to answer, your reactions to these questions stands out.

My grandmother is the one who always likes to keep pushing the same question, cleverly hidden amongst the other seemingly innocuous ones. 'So- any special lady friends now?'
And she always gets the standard answer 'You're not a confirmed great grandmother yet, no'.
Covers everything, pretty much.
To answer otherwise would be stating something one way or another. And that is something I do not intend to do. So I have an answer which politely says 'Mind your own business'.
Variants of which work colleagues and others get...

You see, an important part of trust isn't just about honesty- it's about having our privacy respected. Our right NOT to have to give information to people when there is no necessity to give it.

People say that one of the main problems in relationships is honesty, but isn't it so often unreasonable suspicion? The unwillingness of one or other party to respect the privacy of the other?
That has generally been my experience. For example, man comes home to partner.

She: All right! Where you been?
He: I popped into the pub with some people from work.
She: Really? Who?

Now, I guess some people can't see what's wrong with this exchange. But something is. HERE, in this exchange, is the roots of a relationship DOOMED.

Unless she actually knows his work colleagues, being told the names of the people he went to the pub with won't mean a thing to her. So- what really, is the point in her asking?
To establish their gender.
It's a safety check on her part to see whether he went to the pub with men or women- or worse- one female work colleague on her own.



But it's stupid on her part. Stupid. Because he's clocked the reason, subconsciously. And it means that if at some point a female work colleague DOES invite him for a drink after work, for perfectly innocent reasons- like say, they just happen to be friends- he's more likely to hide it now.

And she'll pick up he's hiding things and get more suspicious.
And yet the things he's hiding are probably quite innocent.

Except of course over time, as her suspicions get worse, he really will find coming home to her increased questioning and her constant desire to pin down his every move just get too much.
And he really does end up in the arms of another woman.

And she'll believe she was right to be suspicious. It won't occur to her that the reverse was true.

She won't even realise, the trust was actually lost when she asked a question that didn't need asking and the answer to which provided her with no information other than whether he went for a drink with a woman or not.

That was the point where HE no longer felt comfortable giving her information of his own free will.

Trust isn't about knowing that someone will give us an honest answer. Asking the question is itself a sign of distrust, and how do people who show such distrust expect to be trusted? It might increase the short term peace of mind of the questioner, but it increases the distrust of the questioned.

Trust is about knowing you will always be told what you need to know- and knowing that someone trusts you never to ask you anything you don't want to tell them, that they know without asking that you will always tell them what they should know, when you are ready to tell them.

Sometimes, if we want people to trust US, we have to let THEM decide what they want us to know. We have to let THEM decide how much of their life they want to give us.
Because if we take it upon ourselves to decide that- How on earth do we expect to be trusted?